The Remote Island : Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels

Collision Course: "Rock of Love Bus" Drives Adult Entertainment Into the Mainstream

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 04:01:00 GMT

By Steve Almond

During an early episode of Rock of Love Bus (RoLB), the latest installment of VH1’s reality-TV franchise, the former Poison front man Bret Michaels takes four of his prospective soul mates on a "special date" — to a strip club called Big Al’s.

The girls are hooted onstage to perform, but one of them, Beverly, refuses to shake her moneymaker for the assembled mob. A confused Bret takes Beverly aside to find out what’s wrong. "I’ve got three kids at home and honestly I’m worried about what their friends are going to see," she tells him.

As the father of two daughters, Bret assures Beverly that he understands. To the TV audience, he takes a slightly different tack. "I’m not asking her to do anything she doesn’t wanna do," he explains earnestly, "but right now, I gotta be honest: she’s being a little bit of a buzz kill."

Those unfamiliar with the charms of RoLB — whose finale airs this Sunday, April 11, on VH1 — might expect this to be the moral nadir of the episode. They would be wrong.

A few minutes later, we are treated to an interview with another of his dates, a troubled soul named Brittaney. "I’m not ashamed that I was a producer and director of porn. What I did was, you know, empower women," she informs us, apropos of nothing. "It’s not that I’m ashamed of my past," she adds, her voice now cracking. "But it’s in the past and now I’m a different person. I want to have a family."

The images being flashed on-screen during this heartfelt confession include a drunken Brittaney writhing on her back and simulating sex acts with another stripper. Ah, the rituals of courtship on VH1! You must expose your heart and your labia.

But I bring all this up not simply to deride the molten and shameless exploitation of the reality-TV genre. That's pretty much its bread and butter. No, what fascinates me about this season's RoLB is that it has shattered the barrier between mainstream television and the porn industry.

I should preface this by noting that I've watched all three editions of Rock of Love, online no less. (I could blame this on my wife, who watches the program religiously. The truth, as we shall see, is more damning.)

Some quick context, then. The inaugural season of Rock of Love offered the sort-of-believable-for-reality-TV premise that Bret Michaels — one-time heavy metal heartthrob turned middle-aged hair-extender — was looking for true love. VH1 rounded up twenty-five women, put them in a mansion with free booze, and let the cameras roll. Back in those innocent days, the "bad girl" was Heather — a professional stripper! She lost out in the end to designated "good girl" Jess.

This is how the producers tend to orchestrate things on RoL. They set up showdowns between "good girls" (who don't work in the sex industry) and "bad girls" (who do). Bret chooses the "good girl" in the end, which helps foster the illusion — so crucial to the entire reality-TV genre — that the star is truly seeking love, rather than pimping a sagging career.

This illusion has been tossed out the window on RoLB. Bret mouths a few platitudes about "getting to know" the girls, as he kisses and gropes and beds them. But there's no real feeling on the show. It is, in this sense, eerily like a porn film. This should come as no great surprise, given that nearly half of this season's cast are sex workers. Here's how sad it is: when the insufferable Taya claims, "I'm a centerfold model for Penthouse, and I'm the classiest one here," she's right.

Of course, shows like RoL are designed to bring out the worst in people. But this year's version, lacking even a hint of eroticism, has relied on physical and emotional violence for drama. The highlight of most episodes is a physical altercation between two women, which is replayed a minimum of six times, usually in slow motion. In this sense, the program has managed to channel the dark heart of most hetero porn, which is not about the pleasures of physical congress, but the sexual humiliation of women. RoLB — along with its skeezy brethren — offers viewers the inherent sadism of porn, minus the stigma. Instead of watching young, emotionally unstable women straddling cocks, we watch them digging through dumpsters, writhing in mud, punching each other, and vomiting in hotel rooms. Think of it as spiritual bukkake.

For years, of course, the adult industry has been looking for ways to infiltrate mainstream culture, where the big advertising dollars are. Reality TV has simply proved the best available beachhead. Not only has it become a developmental league for porn stars — several RoL alums have used their platform to venture into porn — but producers have been quick to pounce on ideas that exploit the allure of porn. Perhaps the most brazen example is My Bare Lady, a British show in which four porn stars are given formal training for the stage and forced to compete.

But just as reality TV has embraced the tropes of porn, so, too, has porn sought a reality makeover. Gone are the stilted scripts and nurse costumes. For some years now, porn's been dominated by low-budget "gonzo" productions, in which the idea is to stage sex scenes as if they were being conducted spontaneously by "amateurs" — that guy in the van who just happens to roll with his camera man, and that anorexic chick in the parking lot who just happens to have breasts the size of small babies and no gag reflex. Even the Adult Video News has had to acknowledge the rise of reality porn, by adding two new categories to its annual awards: Best Amateur Tape and Best Amateur Series.

There are two questions looming over all this. The first is why women like my wife watch shows that are so degrading to women. I could tender a bunch of excuses here. (Noting, for instance, that my wife is a former hair-metal chick.) But the truth is a bit darker. I think women are reacting to the pornification of the culture at large, the absurd and enraging pressure women feel to disfigure their bodies — via surgery or starvation — for approval. And the growing sense that their only cultural power resides in their sexuality.

When my wife watches RoLB, most of what she feels is a kind of gratifying disgust. She enjoys watching the contestants claw at each other and weep on camera. They represent the most degraded aspects of our culture — and of herself.

The irony, of course, is that she’s just feeding the beast. As the message boards fill up mostly female viewers railing against the female contestants, it's the producers and advertisers (oh, and Bret of course) who are laughing all the way to the bank. With very little overhead or imagination, and an almost impressive absence of human decency, they've managed to create the hottest girl-on-girl action around.

But what about me, Mr. Judgmental. Why, given my obvious contempt for RoL, do I watch the show? My motivation is even sadder, frankly. It’s certainly not for the sexual turn-on. No, what I get off on is the fantasy of absolute masculine dominion. Lame as he might be, Bret Michaels has a harem of women who will do whatever he asks.

Reality TV producers like to claim that they’re peddling the dream of "true love." But for male viewers, they’re peddling the ultimate porno fairytale, a world in which women exist merely to debase themselves for their man. If they had any guts they’d cut the bullshit and just go all the way. Here’s what I’d like to see: a show called "American Porn Star," in which women (and men!) compete for a contract with Vivid Video by performing sex acts for celebrity judges and viewers at home. I might feel guilty watching such a show, but at least I’d be getting off on sex, rather than hate.

Previously:

Raven Williams of "Rock of Love": So What, I did a Porno
STD Sunday: The "Rock of Love" Final Four Are Boring And Weird
STD Sunday: Reunions, Punches, and Loogies!
STD Sunday: A Baked Vagina Is Just The Icing On The Cake
STD Sunday: Bret's Girls Can't Stop Being Slutty, Whorish, Or Speed Bumpy
Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess
Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus
Bret Michaels Not Involved in Fatal Car Crash -- Just So Everyone's Clear
Bret Michaels Wonders How The Hell You Wear A Seatbelt In A Hot Tub

STD Sunday: The "Rock of Love" Final Four Are Boring And Weird

Chenda Ngak — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 15:17:00 GMT

Hey, you ever noticed how hard it is to tell when Bret Michaels is having fun? He's got that waxy, worked-on face. It never betrays anything other than "I'm Bret Michaels." Well, we sort of had the same face last night. Oh, that happened, and then that happened? Huh. OK. Whatevs.

The final four girls go to the Universal Studios in Orlando, FL, where Mindy has an emotional breakdown in the hotel room with the other girls because the competition for Bret's heart is getting too hard. So...wait...these girls still think that Bret is looking for love?

The girls have to write and perform a song to win Bret's heart. Beverly and Taya do a pretty good job, while the other two were like bad karaoke. Taya wins, but Bret decides to let the runner-up, Beverly, join them -- most likely because Taya is really boring.

Bret flies the girls to Gonzales, TX to attend the Gonzales Thunder Rally Music Festival, where he has a gig. That was pretty uneventful. Never thought we'd miss the blondtourage. Instead of trying to seduce Bret on the trip, Beverly asks him to sign teddy bears for her daughters. Um, weird much?

Bret cooks the girls breakfast and they all dish on the girl-on-girl drama. Taya and Mindy has minor gripes with each other that are nowhere near as cool as passing out on a speed bump or spitting a loogie at Heather.

In the end, he sends Beverly home because she's more groupie than girlfriend. We're also guessing it's also because of her anger issues, her masculinity, and reluctance to show him affection. This leaves one groupie (Jamie), one shameless self-promoter (Taya), and one somewhat normal, yet annoying girl (Mindy), which we think puts this in serious danger of becoming Lipstick Jungle with fake tits. Yay?

PREVIOUSLY:

STD Sunday: Tiny Tool Wins, Matsu-flex Finally Gets Laid

STD Sunday: Bret's Girls Can't Stop Being Slutty, Whorish, Or Speed Bumpy

STD Sunday: A Baked Vagina Is Just The Icing On The Cake

STD Sunday: Tiny Tool Wins, Matsu-flex Finally Gets Laid

Chenda Ngak — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 18:40:00 GMT

Last night was Tool Academy's season finale -- and someone celebrated in style! With sex!

Rock of Love Bus
The strippers hit Panama City, FL and are forced into baby-sitting duty. Most of them lose control of the situation and we are shocked to see that Ashley wins for being a good mom.

The group has a drunken night out at Coyote Ugly and Beverly unleashes her anger on Bret and the other girls. Mindy and Taya mourn the inattention from Bret spends some quality topless time in a hot tub and shower. Farrah overhears them talking about someone and Ashley decides to pour salsa in Mindy's suitcase. Then the obligatory drunk-girl food fight ensues.

In the end Bret cuts Farrah loose, bringing down the blonde stripper count to one.

Tool Academy
In the season finale of Tool Academy, the final therapy session is all about commitment. Matsu-flex and Jenna renew their devotion for each other. Josh reveals his daddy issues and rather than pursuing a career in porn, releases it in the form of screaming at his counselor Trina.

The couple's challenge was to paint a white picket fence. Josh and Ashley win the competition by being slow and steady. During the reward dinner, there is an awkward TMI moment when Ashley says that they won't let another couple in the room prevent them from getting it on. Ewww. Fortunately for us, we are spared from this union by the boys and girls getting split up for the night.

The guys give their final plea and in the end, Josh wins! And they are forced to have a wedding on national television. Don’t feel too bad for Matsu-flex, though. Both he and Jenna announced that they would finally have sex for the first time.

PREVIOUSLY:

STD Sunday: Bret's Girls Can't Stop Being Slutty, Whorish, Or Speed Bumpy

STD Sunday: A Baked Vagina Is Just The Icing On The Cake

STD Sunday: Bret's Girls Can't Stop Being Slutty, Whorish, Or Speed Bumpy

Chenda Ngak — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:32:00 GMT

Rock of Love Bus and Tool Academy returned on Sunday and, this week, Bret's girls sure didn't disappoint...

Rock of Love Bus was a love letter to trailer parks and truckers with the Truck Stop Games. Bret's girlfriends had to compete in three HOlympic style events: belly flopping into a pool of beer, pole dancing, and carrying a hot dog through an obstacle course to feed the judges. It didn't really matter who won the contest. The highest scores went to the teams who flashed the judges. Bret proves himself a fair guy by taking the real winning team--Ashley, Kami, and Beverly--down to his bus, in an attempt at group sex. Kami and Beverly were not going for it ,but of course, Ashley stripped down and jumped him in front of the other two girls and they go to town on each other. Yes, in front of the other two girls. Kami realizes what else she's kissing when Bret's got his tongue down her thoat decides to leave the show.

Drunks Kelsey and Farrah give each other some scissor action in the VIP section of Bret's show, after Big John asked all of the girlsl to behave. Classic quotes abound with Big John chewing them out, "I specifically asked you guys not to be slutty and whorey." Kelsey runs off like a crazy person and passes out on a speed bump. In the end, she gets kicked to the curb. In the words of the wise Kelsey, "I guess Bret's not used to girls who get drunk and lay down on speed bumps."

The Tool Academy took it down a notch this week and showed the couples in therapy with their families. "Hey mom, my boyfriend's a lying, cheating tool." Awkward! The week's task was to take care of a lil' piggy as their baby. Everything comes to a head when Shawn accuses Matsu-Flex and Jenna of being a fake couple...again. In the end, Shawn and Ida get the boot. The Tool Academy balcony is quickly becoming a sleeper hit, with Matsu-Flex and Josh heckling Shawn and Ida after they get kicked out. After Josh calls Ida a hooker, Shawn explodes and runs into the house to fight him. Of course, the crew intervenes and kicks him out of the house.

PREVIOUSLY:

STD Sunday: A Baked Vagina Is Just The Icing On The Cake

STD Sunday: A Baked Vagina Is Just The Icing On The Cake

Chenda Ngak — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:32:00 GMT

Rock of Love Bus brought back Bret's Mud Bowl. It started out to be the typical bra and panty mud show, until Ashley started pulling down pants down. Brett and a group of Nashville firemen got free shows and we threw up in our mouths a little bit. The MVP of the day, Mindy, got a date with Brett and won the chance to show off her lingerie. The rest of the show continued with the boredom of the "Blondetourage" cattiness. We had to endure another painfully awkward moment with the vapid Brittanya. Hopefully, it's all in the editing because talking to her is actually like talking to a rock. There was a quasi-emo moment between Bret and Jennifer, over the death of his friend and her father. In the end, Brett was wise enough to can the girl for being too vulnerable for his tour bus.

Tool Academy doesn't disappoint, as this week they delve into the topic of sex. The couples start out with a role reversal puppet show, which leads to hilarious moment number one: Tiny Tool gets told on national television that he needs to last longer in bed. The next moment was hilariously disgusting. The guys come face to face with a baked vagina and must find the G-spot. Do we need to go on? The couples compete to see who is the most romantic couple and win the weekly prize date by having to kiss a heart-shaped ornament until the last couple is standing. Tommy and Krista win the competition, but tensions raise when the other couples don't believe that they aren't genuine. Matsu Flex has yet another 'roid-raged explosion and tries to provoke a fight with Tommy. In the end it is Tommy who gets the boot by the Academy and by Krista. The best part came at the very end, when Matsu Flex yelled out the window to the unemployed Tommy: "At least now you can go home and find a job." Burn!

PREVIOUSLY:

Raven Williams of "Rock of Love": So What, I did a Porno

Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus

Bret Michaels Not Involved in Fatal Car Crash -- Just So Everyone's Clear

Lindy Parker — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 18:20:00 GMT

Apparently, the facts are these: One of the crew members from Vh1's Rock of Love Tour Bus, fell asleep at the wheel, crossed over the median on the interstate and hit two cars, injuring two passengers and killing two others. This is obviously, horribly tragic. Here's what's weird though:

A couple of clips from Vh1's statement:

"The crew member, who is not an associate of Bret Michaels or part of his tour staff, was traveling alone to the next location stop for the series."
"Traveling separately, Mr. Michaels had left Illinois early Friday morning and was not near the scene of the accident."
“'As a father of two, I cannot even imagine what the families must be going through at this time. I will make every attempt to reach out to them to let them know that my heart and prayers are with them during their time of grief,' said Michaels in a statement. "

Meanwhile, the Chicago Tribune seems skeptical about Michaels' sincerity:

"Michaels, lead singer of the glam rock band Poison, asked that "his participation in the series be temporarily suspended in deepest sympathy as he attempts to reach out" to the victims' families, said a VH1 statement.

Robinson said neither Michaels nor anyone at VH1 had contacted the family. "

Is it not odd that Vh1 is a) so vague about the specifics of the incident and b) so ADAMANT that Bret Michaels wasn't involved, was nowhere near the scene, and may not even know the guy? Does anyone really care about Bret Michaels and what he was or was not doing when two people died? We're just saying, if our daughter/sister/friend was killed in a car accident with a TV show's crew truck, would we care if Bret Michaels called to tell us how sorry he was? We're thinking no.

Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:32:00 GMT

Nothing airbrushed here, folks…

In utterly shocking news, Rock of Love 2 “winner” Ambre Lake and Bret Michaels didn’t make it work. He’s too busy, see, for a relationship. Touring, and not a fear of intimacy with a woman anywhere near his age, keep him from making a true commitment. But VH1 has found the perfect solution: don’t take Bret away from his madcap, rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle. Bring the ladies to the lifestyle!

And thus we have “Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.” Because the only thing sexier than fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk in a McMansion, is fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk on a tour bus. We can smell it now! And, yes, we’re excited.

“Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels takes contestants out of the mansion and on the road in true rock star style. This season will feature all-new ladies vying for Bret’s affection while traveling across America following Bret on a month-long tour. The contestants will face new challenges to see if they can handle the rock star life on the road,” explains the VH1 press release.

“This time as the bus pulls into each new city, the girls will engage in challenges specifically revolving around Bret’s life on the road. Whether it’s greeting aggressive groupies with a smile, enduring grueling schedules, dodging the advances of the warm-up band or even stepping in last-minute to fill in for delinquent roadies – these girls will be put to the test. This season, as the Rock of Love Bus heads into America’s heartland, the show will be taking the viewer to a whole new level with crazy, fun, over-the-top challenges- imagine Truck Stop Olympics or a dance contest on top of the St. Louis Arch or even a BBQ cook-off beneath the World’s Largest Thermometer. And also, back by popular demand…Mud Bowl 3. Americana at it’s finest!”

Indeed.

Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels is scheduled to premiere in early 2009. Get your bandanas ready!

The Remote Island : Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels

Collision Course: "Rock of Love Bus" Drives Adult Entertainment Into the Mainstream

Previously:

STD Sunday: The "Rock of Love" Final Four Are Boring And Weird

STD Sunday: Tiny Tool Wins, Matsu-flex Finally Gets Laid

STD Sunday: Bret's Girls Can't Stop Being Slutty, Whorish, Or Speed Bumpy

STD Sunday: A Baked Vagina Is Just The Icing On The Cake

Bret Michaels Not Involved in Fatal Car Crash -- Just So Everyone's Clear

Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus

And thus we have “Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.” Because the only thing sexier than fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk in a McMansion, is fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk on a tour bus. We can smell it now! And, yes, we’re excited.

Previously: Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess

Previously:
Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess