The Remote Island : The Bachelor

"DWTS": Melissa Rycroft Says No To Playboy

Lindy Parker — Fri, 15 May 2009 14:45:00 GMT

Can you imagine the kind of WW3-level fight that would ensue if Melissa Rycroft posed nude for Playboy, and then Molly Malaney found it stuffed under Jason Mesnick's mattress? Sadly, we'll never know...

Is Melissa posing for Playboy?

"Not true. My father would kill me! Not only would I never do it, my father would never look at me the same ever again!" (Us Weekly)

We're pretty sure that was a "Hell no!" to posing nude. Apparently, bikinis are as scandalous as Melissa likes to get in her photoshoots...

Previously:

Melissa Rycroft Nude In Playboy? Can She Ask Holly Madison For Tips?

"Bachelor" Reject Melissa Rycroft Has "Girl Next Door" Holly Madison Shaking In Her Boots [VIDEO]

"DWTS" Maxsim Chmerovskiy Trashes ABC's Decision To Cast Melissa Rycroft

Rejected Bachelorette Melissa Rycroft Will "Dance With The Stars"?

Spring Cleaning: ABC Gets Their Fall Lineup in Order

Lindy Parker — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 16:00:00 GMT

ABC's cleaning house and getting themselves organized for the Fall '09 season. For the most part they seem to be going with a "better safe than sorry" strategy -- not a lot of surprises in the group. The question is, will any of this seasons fledgling shows (Castle, The Unusuals, Better Off Ted) make the cut?

Here's the breakdown of renewed shows thus far...

Dancing with the Stars -- Before we actually watched an episode (i.e. the first seven seasons), we never understood the appeal of this show. But, it has to be said, after watching half a dozen episodes this season, we kind of understand. However, please don't ask us to explain it, because we can't.

The Bachelor -- which we are never watching again.

Grey's Anatomy -- At this point Grey's Anatomy is sort of like that relative that you used to be close to when you were kids, and even though you now find you have nothing in common anymore, you still stay in touch.

Desperate Housewives -- Truthfully, we gave up on ever watching Desperate Housewives back in the first season when we tried to watch an episode and had to force ourselves to stay interested in the characters. No show should be that much work. ABC sort of agrees with us. DH creator Marc Cherry wanted a Lost-esque four season contract, but ABC stuck with a "let's just see how it goes" response.

Brothers & Sisters -- You'll never hear us complaining about more time with the Walkers.

Ugly Betty -- We feel like Ugly Betty is like ABC's high school girlfriend that they married right out of college and after a few years decided they wanted someone new and exciting like In The Motherhood, only to realize (after sleeping with someone else lost it's novelty), that Ugly Betty was what they wanted all along.

Private Practice -- Even though we don't exactly love Private Practice, we're happy to see it renewed, mostly because we can't bear the thought of another Taye Diggs show getting cancelled.

Lost -- Not exactly a renewal since the Islanders are still fulfulling their previous contract from 2007.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition -- We've been a bit disenchanted with this show for a while -- ever since we started suspecting that the goal of the makeovers might be more about wowing the viewing audience with a gargantuan new house, rather than building one that's suited to the family in question.

Supernanny -- We try to stay away from shows that make us feel this stressed out about having kids.

Wife Swap -- Ditto.

America's Funniest Home Videos -- How in God's name is this show still on the air? Who watches it? If you're out there, raise your hand so we can see you.

As for the maybes...

Absent from the list: ABC's entire freshman class, including struggling midseason efforts such as "The Unusuals," "Better Off Ted," "Castle" and "In the Motherhood" as well as import "Scrubs."

Of the new shows, only "Castle" has shown enough spark for likely consideration. And ABC still has plenty of time to add more shows to this list between now and their upfront presentation to advertisers next month. (The Hollywood Reporter)

We're sort of depressed by this news since we thought Castle was largely disappointing, whereas we could actually see ourselves getting into The Unusuals. Hmmmm. Might be time to start another feverish letter-writing campaign to ABC network executives.

Previously:

Ugly Betty Webisodes To Keep Us Warm During The Cold Lonely Hiatus

ABC President Defends Grey's Anatomy Ghost Sex

ABC's New Sitcom "In The Motherhood" Sounds Like a Sexual Euphemism

Melissa Rycroft Nude In Playboy? Can She Ask Holly Madison For Tips?

Jake Kalish — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:35:00 GMT

She's apparently been offered a boatload of money by Hef...

Hefner reportedly sent reality show babe numero uno Melissa Rycroft an offer of 500 grand, with a hand-written note, and an invitation to come to the mansion to discuss. But Rycroft's DWTS contract forbids posing nude for at least three months until after this season ends. We suspect Hefner can wait - and if Rycroft doesn't agree, he can pretend she did, put her head on Holly Madison's nude body, and call it a Dancing With The Stars photo composite in extremely tiny print. What? The New York Post does stuff like that all the time.

PREVIOUSLY:

"Bachelor" Reject Melissa Rycroft Has "Girl Next Door" Holly Madison Shaking In Her Boots [VIDEO]

"DWTS" Maxsim Chmerovskiy Trashes ABC's Decision To Cast Melissa Rycroft

Rejected Bachelorette Melissa Rycroft Will "Dance With The Stars"?

"The Bachelor" Claims Contract Forced Him To Dump Melissa On Television

Do We Really Need "More To Love"?

Lindy Parker — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 18:00:00 GMT

Remember Joe Millionaire, y'all? That dopey, blue-collar construction worker that posed as a jet-setting millionaire and had us all asking the question, "Would you still love me if I were poor?" Now Fox is ordering up a new show that has us asking, "Would you still love me if I was unattractive?" To which the auditioning contestants reply, "You mean you think we're unattractive?"

This can't be a good idea, can it?

"For six years it's been skinny-minis and good-looking bachelors, and that's not what the dating world looks like," Fox president of alternative Mike Darnell said. "Why don't real women -- the women who watch these shows, for the most part -- have a chance to find love too?"

Well, nice to know the Fox programming executives think women other than Tila Tequila deserve a shot at love. (Pause while we roll our eyes).

The project has a similar format to "The Bachelor," where a group of woman compete for one man (producers describe him as a "Kevin James-type"). It marks the first time Darnell and Fleiss have teamed for a series in about nine years. The duo's previous dating show was the controversial, groundbreaking 2000 special "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" which set the format template for ABC's "Bachelor" and a legion of imitators.

"More to Love" was inspired by the recent ratings success of "Bachelor" and the popularity of NBC's "The Biggest Loser," which Darnell credits with shattering an industry assumption that TV viewers only wanted to watch highly attractive people. (Hollywood Reporter)

Okay, we appreciate the effort to put people of all shapes and sizes on TV. We do. But, is putting a group of people on a reality show and publicizing it as a show with fat/unattractive/normal-sized contestants the way to go? Isn't that just a spectacle waiting to happen (Littlest Groom, anyone)?

Previously:

Stay Classyfied: MTV Wants To Give YOU a Shot At Love

Awkward Tuesday: Is The Bachelor Fixed, Fact or Fiction?

Number of Times We Teared Up During “Biggest Loser Families”: 7

The Biggest Loser Isn't a TV Show; It's a Lifestyle

Life Beyond "The Bachelor": We're Giving "Chuck" a Trial Run

Lindy Parker — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 20:00:00 GMT

Now that The Bachelor has finally come to an end, and its awkward, yet irresistible shackels have fallen from our wrists, it's time to seek out a new baggage-free contender for the recently-vacated Monday night timeslot. We've perused the options: Dancing with the Stars (unlikely), Saving Grace (eh), The Secret Life of the American Teenager (hell no), Chuck.....Hmmmm. Perhaps the time has finally come to see what we've been missing...

We've done some preliminary research (read: tracked down the one Chuck fan we could find and peppered him with questions) and here's what we've surmised about Chuck:

Nerds + Hot Girl + Technology = Magic

Huh. Not unlike the Star Trek corset in that way. We're watching Chuck tonight. We will report back with our findings.

Previously:

Is Chuck In Trouble?

Top Ten Responses To the Star Trek Corset

Jordana Brewster Returns to Chuck

Rejected Bachelorette Melissa Rycroft Will "Dance With The Stars"?

Lindy Parker — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 15:20:00 GMT

It seems ABC can't get enough of Jason Mesnick's ex-fiancé Melissa Rycroft. Rumor has it she's slated to replace Nancy O'Dell in tonight's premiere of Dancing With the Stars...

Melissa Rycroft, who famously got jilted on national television by Bachelor Jason Mesnick, is rumored to be on her way to the dance floor, subbing for injured Nancy O'Dell on Dancing with the Stars.
A source close to the ABC reality competition tells People that the 25-year-old [Rycroft], despite having only days to rehearse, will make her debut and perform live on Monday's DWTS premiere. (TV Guide)

We have two reactions to this news: First, we don't know about you, but if we were Melissa Rycroft and had just gotten dumped for another woman on national television, we'd want to get as far away from TV cameras as possible. That said, who are we to judge her healing process so, you know, do what you've gotta do, Melissa. Second, does Melissa Rycroft really qualify as a "star." We did a brief skim through past DWTS cast members and we didn't any other reality show contestants that didn't have some other sort of celebrity attached to them. Perhaps when two of your stars get injured just days before the premiere, you take what you can get. We'd like to think it was her extensive dancing experience that won Melissa the gig...

Previously:

Dancing With The Stars: Jewel is Out; Girl Next Door Holly Madison is In

Awkward Tuesday: Is The Bachelor Fixed, Fact or Fiction?

“The Bachelor” Claims Contract Forced Him to Dump Melissa on Television

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 15:00:00 GMT

In the March 16 issue of People, Bachelor Jason Mesnick explains that he was forced to dump “fiancée” Melissa Rycroft because of the show’s evil corporate contracts. (So don’t hate him, America! Hate…lawyers?) People sat down with Jason and Molly, asking them some hard questions, but more disturbingly, forcing them to pose in the most awkward “happy couple” photo session since a J.Lo and Marc Antony.

People asked, “Why did you break up with Melissa on-camera?”

Jason replied, “That was part of the deal. I signed up for this. Your relationship is — good and bad — in front of everybody. [Producers] knew this was tearing me up, and if I could have, I would have seen Melissa the night before. But I wasn’t allowed. It killed me. It kills me now.”

Always hard-hitting, People pushed it further:
“Why didn’t you wait, like other couples have, until after the show ended to call things off?”

Jason: Better to do it after six weeks than it is to do it after seven weeks or six months or a year. I wish for her sake I didn’t propose because it put her in a bad spot. Really, what is the right thing to do? Why string her along? I came here to find somebody to spend the rest of my life with. If I have to do something scary then I’ll do it.”

Right. Why string her along, for another whole twenty-four hours, until after the taping of the show wrapped?

Jason goes on to insist that none of it was manufactured for ratings. And what other wonderful things do we discover?

People: Why do you like doing together?
Molly: We cook and have dinner.
Jason: She’s got a recipe for artichoke dip that’s the best thing in the world.

Jason also says that he’s discovered Molly is “crazy about doing her nails” and Molly has learned that Jason is “unorganized.”
Ya think? We could have figured that out from his season finale decision-making.

Previously:
"Bachelor" Jason Apologizes to Ellen Degeneres (and America)
TV Guide Has Spoken: America Hates Bachelor Jason
Awkward Tuesday: Is The Bachelor Fixed, Fact or Fiction?

"Bachelor" Jason Apologizes to Ellen Degeneres (and America)

Lindy Parker — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 22:00:00 GMT

This just in, people: Jason's sorry. He's sorry he betrayed Melissa. He's sorry he let his fans down by behaving like a total assclown. He's just incredibly, pathetically sorry. Well, so are we Jason, so are we...

"I think what I want to do is to apologize to everybody out there," Mesnick said on Friday's Ellen DeGeneres Show. "All the fans of the show because — thank you for watching — but this was my real life and it was the hardest thing I had to do and I made some big mistakes and that's what I wanted to sit here and talk about today — the mistakes that I made. (TV Guide)

Sure Jason, four words: Cry. Us. A. River....

We have a couple of problems with this interview:

1. We weren't initially annoyed by Molly, but we are now. Why does she keep acting like she and Melissa went through the same thing? Molly: "There were moments, where I sympathized with Melissa for sure. I was heartbroken by this guy too." Just to be clear Molly, you signed up for The Bachelor fully knowing that you could make it to the end and get rejected. From where we're sitting, that's a bit different than getting blindsided on national television when your fiancé tells you he's still in love with his ex.

2. How come we never before noticed how plastic-y Jason's hair looks?

Previously:

TV Guide Has Spoken: America Hates Bachelor Jason

Awkward Tuesday: Is The Bachelor Fixed, Fact or Fiction?

TV Guide Has Spoken: America Hates "Bachelor" Jason

Lindy Parker — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 19:30:00 GMT

We're starting to think that being the Bachelor is not unlike being the President of the United States, only without the responsibility of protecting the free world, and leading our nation to health and prosperity. Approval ratings are everything. One minute the country loves you and your apple-cheeked offspring, and just wants to help you find a way to mend your broken home slash country. The next thing you know, you make a decision that pisses everyone off, and suddenly, your public are crying for blood...

Bachelor Jason Mesnick has certainly fallen from America's good graces according to a recent TV Guide poll in which seventy-five percent of viewers either think Jason is a bastard or are so "disgusted with the outcome that they vow never to watch the show again." (TV Guide) Maybe Jason Mesnick should give former President Bush a call.

Previously:

Awkward Tuesday: Is The Bachelor Fixed, Fact or Fiction

Trista Rehn Sutter Gives "The Bachelor" A Piece of Her Mind

Lindy Parker — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 23:00:00 GMT

We like to think of Trista Sutter (née Rehn) as the mother hen of the Bachelor/Bachelorette universe. As the show's only clear cut success, she's earned the right to speak up whenever she thinks one of her chicks is misbehaving -- kind of like the only great player on a team with a chronic losing record. Well, it turns out she's been watching Jason Mesnick's been breaking hearts and running amuck, and Mama Trista is not pleased...

"How could you go from being engaged to someone, to kissing someone else on the couch?!" she fumed to Momlogic.com. "He doesn't deserve to walk away scot-free."

"What disappointed me as a mom is that he introduced both girls to Ty," she went on. "Melissa was around, and now she's gone. What is Ty going to think?" (Us Magazine)

Wouldn't it be amazing if Trista showed up at tonight's After the Final Rose Part 2, baby on hip, and put Jason over her knee? Here's hoping.

Previously:

Akward Tuesday: Is The Bachelor Fixed, Fact or Fiction?

Is Jillian the Next Bachelorette?

Lindy Parker — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 18:06:00 GMT

With The Bachelor finale still a week away, ABC is looking ahead to the next season of The Bachelorette, and apparently, they've got their eye on Jason's most recent cast-off, Jillian Harris. We have a question: has there ever been a Bachelorette that wasn't jilted by a previous Bachelor? Hang on we're googling it...

The answer is: No. There have been four Bachelorettes: Trista Rehn (dumped by original Bachelor Alex Michel), Meredith Phillips (dumped by Bachelor Bob Guinney), Jen Schefft (former fiancé of Bachelor Andrew Firestone), and Deanna Pappas (dumped by Bachelor Brad Womack).

Accepting ABC's invitation would make Jillian Bachelorette number five to be rejected by a former Bachelor. It seems Jillian's still on the fence on this one...

"I still love him but I don't think I am in love with him anymore...It's like any other breakup. You have to heal yourself. You have to get over it and move on and hope the best for the person."

Molly and Melissa are the final two contestants vying for Mesnick's heart and a sparkling engagement ring, and Harris has a slight preference for one of them: "I became very, very good friends with Melissa," she says. "[We] always talked about, if she did win, how fun it would be for us all to get together and have barbecues and laugh about it. Her and I would be friends and I would be part of their life."

"Part of me wants to stop while I am ahead because I did a great job of presenting myself last time," she says. "But the other part of me really wants to find somebody and maybe my prince is just around the corner. I would have to think hard about it." (TV Guide)

We're on the fence as well. Mostly because, while we enjoy Jillian, we'd like to see a Bachelorette that didn't bring former reality show baggage to the table. But since ABC hasn't actually issued the invitation yet, we suppose we'll have to wait and see. Jillian fans can check in with her tonight on The Bachelor: The Women Tell All -- an episode which, evidently, contains so much drama and high-octane thrills this time around it had to be extended to two hours. Check out the preview below and note host Chris Harrison giving yet another weird promise about the shocking nature of the season finale ("what you're about to witness is potentially so dramatic and so emotionally difficult..." WTF?):

Previously:

The Bachelor Finale Will Leave Us Breathless?

"Bachelor" Finale SPOILERS -- Everyone Take a Deep Breath

Lindy Parker — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 20:45:00 GMT

Here's the deal: Now that Jason's whittled it down to two remaining bachelorettes, there's been much ado about the allegedly breath-stealing drama of this season's Bachelor finale. Everybody sitting down? Got some water? Okay, let's get into this...

SPOILER alert! Read no further if you don't want to know the details!

Spoiler #1: Jason proposes to one woman during the finale, dumps her during the reunion, and proposes to the other one...

The actual drama comes during the reunion, when Jason will dump Melissa and pick Molly instead, which surprises Melissa, because she spent the time between the show and taping the reunion Jan. 18 dating Jason. (Reality Blurred)

Spoiler #2: ABC has scheduled a second reunion special to try and make sense of the chaos...

ABC’s need to schedule a second reunion for the next evening to deal with the fallout from the first reunion, and also fits with its executive producer’s revelations about the finale. (Reality Blurred)

Spoiler #3: ABC orchestrated the whole thing to get ratings, and Jason went along with it...

"ABC knew exactly what they were doing when they released the hand with the freckles and the pinky ring,” because “Jason ends his engagement with Melissa, and begins a relationship with Molly during the reunion.” (via Reality Blurred)

Our thoughts: We're mystified by the whole debacle. At the risk of sounding like we've spent the last twelve seasons in a fog of naiveté, we admit that this is the first season of The Bachelor that we've considered the possibility that all these people are paid actors. The trailer teasing Deanna's return to the show coinciding with her TV hosting gig was the first clue that something was awry, and now all this nonsense about a Network-esque final rose ceremony/reunion special? Can this possibly be for real? No, right? Thoughts?

Previously:

The Bachelor Finale Will Leave Us Breathless?

"The Bachelor" Finale Will Leave Us Breathless?

Lindy Parker — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 21:15:00 GMT

So, there's been some rumors flying around about the unprecedented level of drama involved in next week's final episode of The Bachelor, and we're sort of like, "It's The Bachelor -- how much higher could the drama level possibly get? Someone drops dead?" More puzzling still: show creator, Mike Fleiss' strangely ominous teaser in the New York Times...

Mr. Fleiss promises that the finale will leave fans hyperventilating. “It’s insane, honestly,” he said. “It’s Chayefsky-esque,” he added, referring to the screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky. “The last hour is pure ‘Network.’ ”
As in the movie “Network,” written by Chayefsky, in which an anchorman loses his mind and viewers start screaming out their windows?
“I don’t mean it’s like his writing,” Mr. Fleiss said. “I mean in the freakishness of it.” (New York Times)

Okay, obviously, lot's to say about the weirdness of those quotes. But first, just so everyone's up to speed here, check out the promo for the finale episode...

So obviously Deanna comes back, right? Deanna returns having ditched the guy she ditched Jason for; Jason debates the merits of falling back into the opportunistic arms of the woman who broke his heart (even though she callously let him get down on his knee and propose knowing she was going to reject him for another man); Molly and Melissa cling to each other for moral support and the whole thing ends in tears -- think of the drama, people. Why not just go all the way and bring Jason's ex-wife back to try and re-kindle the flame? Regardless, can we all agree that nothing that could ever happen on The Bachelor would justify a "Network" comparison or leave us unable to breathe normally? Mike Fleiss may have overstated a little.

Previously:

Awkward Tuesday: The Bachelor Takes the Plunge

Awkward Tuesday: "The Bachelor" Takes The Plunge

Lindy Parker — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 16:30:00 GMT

This week for a nice change of pace, we thought we'd start with a list of things that was NOT awkward about last night's episode...

1. New Zealand -- All of the overnight dates took place in various breathtakingly beautiful New Zealand locales. We feel like it made the interaction between Jason and the women more relaxed and tranquil in keeping with the surroundings -- nice change from the vaguely soap opera set quality of The Bachelor mansion.

2. Jillian's dress -- So cute. We can't find a picture of it, but trust us. It was fierce.

3. The exchange of the overnight date invitations -- All three girls jumped the gun on the overnight date cards, and asked Jason about them directly rather than going through the ridiculous charade of acting surprised. We appreciated it, ladies. Thanks.

That said, there was still plenty of uncomfortable to go around...

Molly -- Our issue with Molly is that her smile is creepy. Normally this would be fine, but last night during the big "how do you feel about me" convo with Jason, she kept breaking into an unsettling joker grin everytime she tried to say the word love. Awkward.

Melissa -- We love Melissa. Sort of. At least, we like her more than Molly, and now that Jillian's gone Mel is our gal. But after last week's home visit and the debacle with her parents, we feel like she's trying to overcompensate by talking constantly about how close she is to her family. The problem is, because we're not convinced her family actually exists, there's an uncomfortable subtext to everything she says. For example: "Oh, I talk to my brother every day." Oh really? Then why couldn't he drive an hour to meet Jason?

Jillian -- For sure the most awkard Jillian moment was her elimination. Specifically, the moment as she was leaving when she tearfully described to Jason a dream in which his son Ty had wanted to try on her shoes (WTF?). Frankly, we were shocked. Were we the only ones who thought she was going all the way? And seriously, we've watched thirteen seasons of The Bachelor. We are not easily fooled.

Previously:

Awkard Tuesday: The Bachelor Takes It Home

Awkward Tuesday: The Bachelor's Final Five

Awkward Tuesday: The Bachelor Plays Doctor

Awkward Tuesday: The Bachelor Ups the Ante

Awkward Tuesday: The Bachelor Opens Wide

Everyone's Watching "The Bachelor"

Jake Kalish — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 16:44:00 GMT

In its 13th installment, The Bachelor is suddenly the hot show on TV. No judgments here, but this is just a little bit weird - the show, ancient in reality-show years, has experienced a huge ratings surge of 37% this season - which would explain ABC's decision to air it instead of Barack Obama's first presidential Press Conference. (Facing off against The Leader of the Free World, The Bachelor had its biggest audience of the season - 11.6 million viewers.)

How is this happening? And why? Hell, if the show's creator and executive producer Mike Fleiss doesn't know, we certainly don't:

“It’s a miracle, man,” “Bachelor” creator and executive producer Mike Fleiss told TVWeek on Wednesday. “How many shows have reversed a trend like this? Maybe ‘Family Guy’ and ‘Saturday Night Live.’”

True. And while the show has upped the drama and intrigue this year, that doesn't explain this sort of ratings boom. Still, Fleiss isn't resting; he became hype man for the show's March 2nd season finale:

Mr. Fleiss also said the current edition of the show will end with a “jaw-dropping” finale. Could it be the most dramatic rose ceremony … ever?

“It’s the most dramatic anything ever,” Mr. Fleiss said. “It’s a shocking finish to the show. Just when you think the show is going to end, it doesn’t.”

The most dramatic anything ever?

PREVIOUSLY:

Our Bachelor Archive

Awkward Tuesday: The Bachelor's Final Five

Lindy Parker — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 15:00:00 GMT

This week, we officially crossed into the second phase of Bachelor awkward -- the moment when all the crazy, reality show entertainment-value girls have been kicked off and all you're left with are girls who could actually win. In the beginning, the show is uncomfortable, but more because you have to watch the crazy girls doing crazy things, whereas now it's awkward because the non-crazy girls are about to get their hearts annihilated one by one. Ahhh well, so it goes.

This week's awkward moment: Everyone loves Stephanie, their just not in love with Stephanie...

The thing about Steph is, we want to like her -- she's obviously a lovely, kind person who's overcome a great deal of personal tragedy -- but there's a couple of things holding us back: Her outfits are always that critical marriage of pagent and tranny, and she has that irritating tendency to slip into "girlfriend" voice whenever Jason's in the room (you know the one -- breath-y, lots of cooing). In fairness, we're all guilty of using the girlfriend voice every once in a while, but generally speaking we try to keep it behind closed doors and not out where people can hear us. Why? Because it's awkward.

This week, we think it was a combo of the girlfriend voice and the white fur vest Steph was wearing that got her the axe. To her credit, Steph executed the most graceful exit we've ever seen on The Bachelor and left Jason and the other girls weeping in her wake. Don't you worry, girl. Someone's out there for you -- ditch the tranny-wear and we've got it made.

Previously:

Awkward Tuesday: The Bachelor Plays Doctor

Awkward Tuesday: The Bachelor Ups the Ante

Awkward Tuesday: The Bachelor Opens Wide

Awkward Tuesday: "The Bachelor" Plays Doctor

Lindy Parker — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 16:20:00 GMT

Last night's episode of The Bachelor featured an sleepover date with Molly in a tent in Jason's backyard, a group date on the set of General Hospital, and a two-on-one date with waltz lessons in which Nikki and Steph fought over who could dance with Jason the most times -- so there was a lot of uncomfortable to go around.

Awkward moment of the week: Want to find out whose heart's in the right place? Force all the girls to kiss you in front of each other and see how many of them burst into tears...

On the GH set, the girls donned hair, make-up and costumes and delivered soapy scenes of romance with Jason as the lead. Shannon played a fellow doctor...

Naomi played a sassy cleaning lady...

Jillian played his fiancé...

Megan played an unidentified woman who kissed him...

Needless, to say most of them were in tears after watching multiple takes of the other girls kisses. Jason finished the night by refusing to hand out the final rose because he couldn't see a future with any of the girls he hadn't already given a rose to -- we can appreciate that he didn't want to lead anyone on, but it had to suck to be the girl that he looked at and was like, "yeah, I don't even want you around for one more day."

Previously:

Awkward Tuesday: The Bachelor Ups the Ante

Awkward Tuesday: The Bachelor Opens Wide

"Samantha Who?" Is Now "Samantha When?"

Jake Kalish — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 19:22:00 GMT

Applegate's show is on an indefinite break in favor of 2-hour episodes of The Bachelor, possibly returning in late March. And right when it was announced Angie Harmon was joining the cast.

These two-hour, oversized episodes seem to be the new big thing. They're much cheaper to produce than two separate one-hour programs, and the reasoning is, if you like a show, won't you really like more of it?

PREVIOUSLY:

Our "Samantha Who?" Archive

Awkward Tuesday: The Bachelor Ups the Ante

Lindy Parker — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 17:00:00 GMT

It's really starting to freak us out the way Jason assumes the "groom stance" so solemnly just before the rose ceremonies EXACTLY like he's waiting in front of the altar for the bride to walk down the aisle. Yikes. Every time we try to glory in our openminded-ness regarding The Bachelor relationships, we find ourselves creeped out by something new. Whatever, maybe sometimes love gets creepy before it gets good.

This week's awkward moment: Nothing says "I love you" like throwing up your champagne...

Previously:

Three Rules For Watching The Bachelor

Just When We Thought ABC's The Bachelor Couldn't Get Creepier

Awkward Tuesday: The Bachelor Opens Wide

Lindy Parker — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 15:30:00 GMT

So, last week we gave you some survival guidelines for watching The Bachelor if, like us, you find yourself shackled by the inexplicable allure of this show. The truth is, it's too late for us -- we've been sucked in -- but most of you can still save yourselves, and to that end, we've decided the best course of action is to hit you with the most awkward moment from each episode so you can get your fix without all that filler. To that end, here we go...

This week's awkward moment: The limo ambush...

You may remember Raquel from her salsa lessons and constant exclamations of joy at being in Jason's presence. Despite having made her enthusiasm clear to Jason repeatedly, Raquel decided Jason might still have doubts about her level of commitment to the show. Clearly, the best plan was to break into his limo and then lay in wait for him to leave the house. Jason was uncomfortable. We felt awkward and buried our head in a pillow. Jason sent Raquel packing wearing, weirdly, the same dress as Kate Hudson at the end of How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days. Ha.

Three Rules for Watching "The Bachelor"

Lindy Parker — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 17:20:00 GMT

The thing is, we just can't seem to stop watching The Bachelor. We've tried and failed, and now we're just giving in. That said, we're determined to make the experience as painless as possible, so we've developed a couple of ground rules to that end...

#1: It must be tivo'd. Seriously, the amount of swooping, time-wasting shots of the mansion at nighttime and other superfluous filler during last night's premiere episode is almost as bad as an American Idol finale. Start watching half an hour into it, fast forward through everything that doesn't involve the bachelorettes, and you can cut the whole thing down to about 45 minutes -- Chris Harrison's comforting asides, Jason's earnest inner monologue -- not necessary.

#2: Use the first half hour to have a glass of wine or three. Self-explanatory.

#3: The awkward moments of this show are not for the faint of heart. Last night, one bachelorette read aloud a rhyming poem of her own composition that included the line: "Jason, a radiant smile, worthwhile. Our first meeting, all of us competing." Also, one of the rejected bachelorettes got drunk and started describing the wedding she'd planned for her nuptuals with Jason. Trust us, procurring a friend's arm to grip when the going gets tough will provide much needed relief.

Just When We Thought ABC's "The Bachelor" Couldn't Get Creepier...

Lindy Parker — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 15:00:00 GMT

We feel like Jason Mesnick's discomfited facial expression and this preview clip speak for themselves:

Previously:

The Bachelor: A Vicious Cycle

We Hate That We Love Trista and Ryan

The Bachelorette Finale: Can You Effing Believe It?

The Weekly Rewind: We Want Our Fun TV

Ben Kallen — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 21:35:00 GMT

The Olympics are coming to an end, and the new TV season hasn't started yet. What the heck can we do with all that extra free time? Maybe we should just sit back, relax, and spend it on the highlights of the week:

We learned that George and Izzie are TV's most annoying couple, but then we remembered Ross and Rachel.

We were alternately thrilled and disappointed by Michael Phelps, and Bigfoot.

We heard Hurley sing, and it was awesome.

We remembered the most terrible game shows of all time, and it kind of made us want to watch them again. But the most memorable moments in TV history? Eh, seen 'em.

We heard that Kelly Bundy's just fine, and that made us happy.

We saw what The Bachelor's ex Shayne Lamas is like at a party, and it's pretty much what we figured.

We discovered that many TV stars don't watch TV, because they're too busy sipping expensive champagne with fashion models.

We figured out how to get MTV's original stars cable-ready again.

We wondered why this statue of Fonzie looks so much like Christopher Walken.

We learned why Canadians think the beaver is a proud and noble animal.

We learned who might be on Dancing With the Stars this season, and hoped Kim Kardashian wouldn't have center-of-gravity issues.

We discovered that the Internet is nothing but a gathering place for Knight Rider and Baywatch fanatics. But then, we knew that already.

Previously:
The Weekly Rewind: The Thrill of Victory, The Agony of TV

"The Bachelor": A Vicious Cycle

Lindy Parker — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 17:30:00 GMT

So, rejected Bachelorette suitor Jason Mesnick is the next Bachelor, and we've decided we're over it. We're officially not watching....unless, maybe we're on the couch with ice cream and there's nothing else on....No, really, we're not watching.

The thing is, it's really our own fault. Why do we continue to let the perpetual breakups of the relationships forged on "The Bachelor" blindside us and leave us devastated? We're like those mice that have to get shocked hundreds of times before they leave the peanut-butter scented wire alone...

Let's, for now, put aside the inherent lunacy/largely problematic nature of a show like The Bachelor from a gender politics standpoint. We're not here for that today. For the last few years, we haven't been able to stop watching this show because, against our better judgement, there's something oddly moving about how sincere some contestants seem about wanting to find love. We know. WE KNOW. Maybe, it's all fake. We're not proud of it, but the fact is we get drawn to their professed sincerity every time. And every time, when it comes to that critical moment where all the "hardship" of the last ten weeks pays off and the Bachelor and fiancé are laughing and crying and kissing under a rose trellis and football stadium lighting, a part of us really believes that the up's and down's and awkward family meetings were all worth it. For a moment, all is well and we're like, "See? Love is unpredictable! It's a mystical chaos! That two such different people, from different backgrounds can find each other in such unlikely circumstances warms our heart."

And then, they inevitably announce their separation six months later. We really should have learned our lesson with Jen Sheft and Andrew Firestone. That's it. We've had it. We watched Jason get rejected once, and it's just prolonging the misery. No more Bachelor for us. Probably. Maybe.

PREVIOUSLY:
"Bachelor" Winner/Loser Shayne Lamas Handles Rejection By Baring Ass For Party Photographer

"Bachelor" Winner/Loser Shayne Lamas Handles Rejection By Baring Ass For Party Photographer

Bryan Christian — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:25:00 GMT

There she is, winner of this year's Bachelor and next in the long line of great Lamas actors, Shayne Lamas, slowly getting over her shame and sorrow at having her tv fiance break up with her by tossing a few back and contemplating giving Last Night's Party photographer Merlin Bronques a peek under her skirt. Which, six frames later, she does. (Honest; click through for the full ass-shot.)

Oh, if only every pampered Hollywood blonde handled breakups by getting hammered and getting her secret ingredients digicammed by some mustachioed hipster.

(Ha ha, see what we did there? It's like we've been asleep for 8 years or something! Wouldn't that be hilarious?)

[via Defamer]

BONUS: Click through for your own peek at what Bachelor Matt Grant didn't think was worth keeping around.

PREVIOUSLY:
Reality News You Can't Use: Another "Bachelor" Breakup

Hey, we'd have thought that the word 'ass-shot' wouldn't have needed that hyphen -- but without it, there's three 's''s in a row! That can't be right!

The Weekly Rewind: Endless Summer

Ben Kallen — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 21:38:00 GMT

This week here at The Remote Island, we spent most of our time just trying to come up with fun stuff for you to watch. Because it's July, and the networks have pretty much given up for the summer. Sure, there's the last few episodes of Swingtown, which we're kind of hoping goes out with a giant orgy that leaves the characters far more satisfied than the show ever did for viewers. And there are reality competitions in which kids try to sing (or, even more difficult, sing country), or adults try to dance. (Frankly, we'd rather see somebody lose on Jeopardy.)

Meanwhile, summer programming on cable mainly consists of fun reality crapola, such as From G's to Gents, and about a dozen quirky detective shows, like the ones starring the Glamorous Ladies of TNT,

Mostly, though, they're all just trying to hang on till the upcoming fall season. Which we're excited about, too -- which is why we gave you loads of spoilerrific info on Dollhouse, Dexter, Life on Mars, CSI, Friday Night Lights and Robot Chicken: Star Wars.

For lack of anything better to watch, we sent you to the Internet: for Heroes webisodes and X-Files conspiracy sites (not that you need them to understand the critically drubbed movie), to see John McCain fall asleep on Conan's desk, and for the final episode of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, now gone from the free web forever. (But at least Doogie Howser still has a few songs left in him -- somewhere in the neighborhood of Beaker's YouTube channel.) Then we told you why you should get TV Funhouse and Spaced on DVD.

What else? Sadly, we said goodbye to Estelle Getty, Ebert & Roeper, and (possibly) Jay Leno.

And, of course, we dove right into the shallow end of the cultural pool, telling you about sexytime on the sets of Big Brother and Saved By the Bell, and (allegedly) at Matthew Broderick's friend's place. But the fun's over for The Bachelor, though he was the only one surprised about it.

And finally, we learned that watching too much TV makes us all think we're on TV. Which isn't actually true... yet.

Reality News You Can't Use: Another "Bachelor" Breakup

Ben Kallen — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 20:28:00 GMT

The magical love affair between suave Brit Matt Grant and childlike blonde "actress" Shayne Lamas is over. Grant -- who chose Lorenzo Lamas' hot daughter instead of some actual adult women on the most recent season of The Bachelor -- apparently learned she was seeing someone else when he read about it in the New York Post.

According to the paper, "Just two days after Page Six reported Lamas had cheated on the Bachelor star with Las Vegas media mogul Justin Weneger, Lamas phoned Grant and called off the coupling. Spies said the aspiring actress is planning a trip to see Weneger soon. Grant, who moved from London to L.A. to be near his sweetie, is said to be devastated."

Yeah, nobody saw that coming, except maybe every single person who watched the show. But don't worry, we're guessing Matt will be okay -- as it turns out, L.A.'s a pretty good place to meet gorgeous blonde actress-models, especially if you're a rich guy who's been on TV.

Previously:
Why The Bachelor Will Never Work

Why "The Bachelor" Will Never Work

Ben Kallen — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 12:35:00 GMT

Is The Bachelor doomed to failure?

Of course, we all know the idea behind this enduringly sappy ABC reality show: Some supposedly desirable guy meets women from all walks of life, goes on romantic dates with the few he connects with, falls in love with the one who's perfect for him -- and then, supposedly, the two of them live happily ever after.

Of course, that last part pretty much never happens. Case in point: Andrew Firestone, the somewhat dorky winemaker and tire-company heir who proposed to marketer Jen Schefft during his final episode, then broke up with her some time later. (Schefft herself went on to star in a season of The Bachelorette, which ended with her turning down marriage proposals from the two finalists.)

So who would a guy who could marry just about anyone really want?

The answer came this weekend, when Firestone wed the actual woman of his dreams: Ivana Bozilovic, a stunning Serbian-born model-actress who's appeared in swimwear and lingerie catalogs, in films such as Van Wilder and Wedding Crashers, and in magazines such as Maxim and Stuff.

And that's why The Bachelor will never work. You can introduce a guy to all sorts of attractive women, with all kinds of different personalities and careers and lifestyles. . . but in the end, all you're doing is making him seem like such a catch that he can go ahead and find himself a gorgeous starlet-slash-lingerie model.

Now, we're pretty sure that's not the sort of happy ending the show's romance-minded viewers were counting on. But if you're going to turn the search for true love into show business, you really can't complain if that's where someone ends up finding it.

Previously:
The Bachelorette: What Went Wrong?