The Remote Island : The Hills

"The Hills": Lauren Conrad Bails, Kristin Cavallari Returns

Lindy Parker — Thu, 14 May 2009 21:00:00 GMT

Huh. Maybe we'll finally get an answer to the age old question: How big is Matt Leinart's penis...

EW can exclusively confirm that Cavallari will indeed be starring in MTV's reality series. The 22-year old's first appearance will be the May 31st season finale (she catches the bouquet at Heidi and Spencer’s wedding, natch) and she'll appear in 10 episodes this fall. (EW.com)

It seems Kristin can't get enough pseudo-unscripted television in her life -- or maybe she's hoping a stint on The Hills will set her on the path to acting stardom?

"The goal for me is to get my fans excited about me again. When I first started out, I had a celebrity name but I didn’t have the acting skills I have now. If I have some buzz with my name again, I feel like it will only help.” (EW.com)

Translation: It worked for Stephen Colletti, it could work for me...

Previously:

Is Harlem Heights Better Than MTV's The City?
"The Hills" Season 5 Trailer: Stranger (and More Annoying) Than Fiction
The Hills Update: Lauren's Mad; VH1 Says "Heidi and Spencer Make Millions Off Being A-Holes"

Heidi Montag Nude In Playboy?

Jake Kalish — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 13:25:00 GMT

Word is she and Spencer are in negotiations with Hef...

This from a Life & Style exclusive:

She wants to do it," the insider confirms. "It's just a matter of working out the details." The insider tells Life & Style that Spencer is encouraging her to do it and is working on negotiating a $500,000 deal for his wife.

Just shoot us.

PREVIOUSLY:

Today In Ewwww: Heidi And Spencer Finally Got Married [VIDEO]

Melissa Rycroft Nude In Playboy? Can She Ask Holly Madison For Tips?

David Letterman To Lauren Conrad: "I Wanted To See Your Sex Tape" [VIDEO]

The Hills Update: Lauren's Mad, VH1 Says "Heidi & Spencer Make Millions Off Being A-Holes"

Today In Ewwww: Heidi And Spencer Finally Got Married [VIDEO]

Olivia Purnell — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 21:30:00 GMT

Oh, Dear God.

After endless fake Hills weddings, manufactured Hills will they or won't they drama, and vomit-inducing "we only break up to make up" innuendo on Extra, or Access Hollywood or whatever, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag finally tied the God-forsaken knot this weekend. Of course fan, paparazzi, and Hills cameras were there to catch all the action. Here's a brief blond tease if you just can't wait for the whole shebang on The Hills finale.

Pardon us for asking the obvious, but: Is there a couple as objectively frightening as these two? Really, can you think of a pair of people as shiny, plastic, and camera-hungry. They are the Children of the Celebu-Corn. All grown up. It's terrifying to watch their unending quest for talentless fame. And yet, here we are. Posting and thereby toasting their shiny plastic nuptuals. Sigh.

Congratulations?

(people.com)

(eonline.com)

Previously:

Is BET's "Harlem Heights" Better Than MTV's "The City"?

MTV Cares

MTV Makes "Ground Breaking" Foray Into Scripted Shows With "HSM" Parody

David Letterman To Lauren Conrad: "I Wanted To See Your Sex Tape" [VIDEO]

Jake Kalish — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 20:30:00 GMT

From last night's Late Show. He starts talking about the sex tape 52 seconds into this clip. Dirty old man...

PREVIOUSLY:

Top 5 Worst/Best Celebrity Fashion Lines

Lauren Conrad Goes Greek. And It's Weird For Us.

David Letterman Is Married [UPDATE: VIDEO]

So Dave Says To Regis, Who's Dressed As Shrek, "Let's Get Some Whores" [VIDEO]

MTV Cares

Jake Kalish — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 14:33:00 GMT

Great piece by Tim Arango in the New York Times Saturday about what MTV's new reality show The Buried Life - in which 4 buddies travel around the country fulfilling the wishes of the less fortunate -means about MTV and youth culture in the Age of Obama.

After years of The Hills and My Super Sweet Sixteen, is having a social conscience the hip new thing?

Four buddies set off across the country in an R.V., video camera in tow, to knock items off their “100 things to do before I die” list: kiss the Stanley Cup, get a tattoo, grow a mustache. With plenty of high jinks and adolescent humor, “The Buried Life” seems like the perfect MTV reality show, except for one unexpected twist. At each stop the group helps deserving locals with their own wishes. In Idaho, for example, they took eight children with brain cancer on a shopping spree at Toys “R” Us.

Meet MTV for the era of Obama. After years of celebrating wealth, celebrity and the vapid excesses of youth, MTV is trying to gloss its escapist entertainment with a veneer of positive social messages...

Executives looked at in-house research and the work of William Strauss, a generational expert who gave a presentation to MTV executives last fall, and saw that the country’s young were deeply engaged in the election and becoming more civic-minded.

One point of discussion at the meetings was whether shows about rich young girls were still relevant.

“It was very clear we were at one of those transformational moments, when this new generation of millennials were demanding a new MTV,” said Stephen Friedman, MTV’s general manager, using the term for those born between 1980 and 2000.

In the era that was passing, Mr. Friedman said, “the humor was more cynical, the idea of community seemed earnest and not cool. It’s the opposite now.”

Community is cool? Cool. We know MTV, the network of A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila, would never air a show about guys going around the country doing charity work unless they thought they could make money off it. Here's hoping they do.

PREVIOUSLY:

Stay Classyfied: MTV Dating Show Pilot

Nick Lachey Is "Taking The Stage"

MTV Makes "Ground Breaking" Foray Into Scripted Shows With "HSM" Parody

"The Real World: Pedro" TV Movie To Air On MTV April 1st

Kathy Cox Of "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader": A Really Good Person In A Really Bad Economy

Is BET's "Harlem Heights" Better Than MTV's "The City?"

Olivia Purnell — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 18:00:00 GMT

We watched Harlem Heights for the first time the other day. And as Kanye West’s ex girlfriend, Brooke Crittendon, strut down 125th in fully laced in fur and ice, made up within an inch of her long-legged life, we thought: is this show, Harlem Heights (The Hills' black step daughter) better than Whitney Port’s pursed and coifed The City (The Hills’ semi-addictive bastard girl spawn)?

Short answer: Yes

We think it’s probably unfair to truly compare either of these shows to the pseudo-reality mothership, The Hills. Much less, the grandmother ship, Laguna Beach, The Real OC. It’s just unfair. The Hills and LB are the sparkly West Coast loins from whence both of these shimmering slices of The Real Manhattan were born.

But the two baby shows are on equal East Coast footing so let us tell you why we prefer Harlem Heights despite the almost unforgivable soft focus that BET is famous for.

1. The fabulousity is more fabulous. Whitney and the girls are always done, and gorgeous, and wearing designer shit head to toe, but somehow Brooke, Ashlie, and the Heights girls manage to out diva everyone ever. They are constantly dripping in fur (faux, we hope), wearing MAC for days. Everything they rock is shiny. And we love it.

2. They Work. We actually believe that the Harlem Heights girls and boys have jobs. You know, places they go where they must perform certain tasks and duties in order to receive biweekly payment. We do not believe that Whitney Port does anything besides look vacant and thin. (Sorry Whit).

3. H.Heights keeps it real. The socially conscious undercurrent in the show is admittedly a fairly heavy handed example of BET’s recent attempts at “correcting reductive portraits at black life.” The New York Times says:

BET has closely followed the MTV and VH1 model, but while it has not totally dispensed with trash, its growing noble interest in performing racial P.R. leaves it feeling devoid of the exhilarating idiocy we love in shows like “The Hills.”

Halem Heights, though, maintains all of The Hills' he-said-she-said, while needling us with little reminders about social responsibility. We’re kind of into that.

Take a look:

What do you think?

(nytimes.com)

Previously:

"The Hills" Season 5 Trailer: Stranger (and More Annoying) Than Fiction
The Hills Update: Lauren's Mad; VH1 Says "Heidi and Spencer Make Millions Off Being A-Holes"

Top Five Worst/Best Celebrity Fashion Lines

Lindy Parker — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 20:00:00 GMT

Sad news for Hills fans (although possibly, great news for fashion fans), Lauren Conrad's fledging fashion line, like her long running reality show, is cancelled indefinitely...

"In light of the economic climate, Lauren has decided to completely rethink her line." As a result, shipment of the last spring and summer delivery has been canceled."

Well, fair enough. It stands to reason that in the current economic climate, customers aren't exactly flocking to Bloomingdale's to buy the latest LC sundress. However, it seems La Conrad has a backup plan...

"Lauren is going to revamp her line and design with more high-end fabrics . . . things she couldn't do the first time around," a source close to Conrad said. (New York Post)

Sure, because in the middle of an economic crisis when people can't afford your clothes, the best thing to do is make them more expensive.

In memoriam of the Lauren Conrad Collection, we've decided to rank the top five worst celebrity fashion lines (which may or may not be indistinguishable from the top five best celebrity fashion lines)...

5. The Cast of The Hills

We're just going to go ahead and lump Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag and Whitney Port into one sad fashion trifecta. Although, Whitney and Lauren can rest secure in the knowledge that we all know Heidi's ill-fated stint at Anchor Blue was by far the worst of the three.

4. J'aime by Jaimie Pressly

Yeah, we also find this now-defunct fashion line by My Name is Earl star Jaimie Pressly to be perplexing. Sort of Max Azria-meets-Stevie Nicks-meets-figure skating chic.

3. The LL Cool J Collection

Ladies love cool James! But apparently, not so much his "fashion for the whole family" approach to his collection. His clothing is currently selling on the clearance racks at Sears.

2. Dear by Amanda Bynes

Question: why is this dress form trussed up in about six layers of hoodie, tights, gloves and hat, whilst La Bynes is looking tanfastic in a summer-y mini and heels? Also, why is the dress form wearing so many clothes and accessories, but no shoes?

1. J.Lo

True story: our sister's ex-boyfriend's dad worked as a distributor for J.Lo's lingerie line, and our underwear drawer is still chock-a-block with J.Lo thongs years later. Also, they're really cute and comfortable despite the ick factor associated with wearing underwear giving to us by our sister's ex-boyfriend's dad. So, you know, J.Lo's fashion empire isn't a total wash, but can we all agree that the time for bedazzled velour tracksuits has passed us by?

Think we missed somebody? Let us know below...

Previously:

Top Five Muppet Fashions We Can't Live Without

No More Fashion for Heidi

Important News From The Hills: Whitney Port Has a Clothing Line

Why Hayden Panettiere Should Stick To Vintage

"The Hills" Season 5 Trailer: Stranger (and More Annoying) Than Fiction

Lindy Parker — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 17:20:00 GMT

Incredible, but true: the fifth season of The Hills is on its way to our TV screens in March. Watching the trailer for the upcoming season, we finally started to realize why this show annoys us so much. If MTV would just admit to scripting these people's lives and call it what it is -- another soapy teen drama -- then we might be able to get into it in a guilty pleasure sort of way. But, masquerading as a reality show, The Hills and its cast just skeeves us out.

What do you think? We're wrong, and The Hills is the greatest show of all time? Check out the trailer and give us your thoughts...

Previously:

The Hills Update: Lauren's Mad; VH1 Says "Heidi and Spencer Make Millions Off Being A-Holes"

"Hills" Star Trashes "The City"

Lindy Parker — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 20:00:00 GMT

Question: When did Jason Wahler become the authority on the delicate nuances of reality television? We weren't aware that he was in the market for a high horse...

Former Hills bad boy Jason Wahler isn't mincing words when it comes to Whitney Port's The City.
"I can't believe it got picked up for a second season," Wahler said of the series, which follows Port's new life in NYC. "I thought it was a terrible show. I mean, I like Whitney, but they are trying to drag her show out too much. I didn't know that many people who were watching it to begin with, so for it to be renewed is shocking." (E! Online)

Mmmmm, quite. We can see how, having produced such riveting, fast-paced action during his own reality show turn, Jason would want the spin-off to rise to that standard. One can only hope Jason and his fiancé Katja Decker-Sadowski will show us how it's done in their newest foray into unscripted television -- that is if they can ever get it picked up.

Previously:

Important News From The Hills

The City: Hills Spinoff Trailer Is One Part Gossip Girl, No Part Sex And The City

Today in Photoshoots: Jeremy Piven Tears It Up, and Audrina Patridge Takes It Off

Lindy Parker — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 23:00:00 GMT

Good news: Audrina Patridge is just the model for this Divine Rights of Denim ad, and -- at least for now -- the world is safe from yet another clothing line designed by a cast member from The Hills. Alledgedly, she did help "merchandise and style" the company's new spring/summer line, but we're not really sure what that means, and we can assume she just showed up and said, "Um, could they be skinnier?"

Bad news: We find this ad kind of lame. First, under no circumstances do we believe she's actually talking to anyone on the other end of that phone, and second, for reasons we can't fully explain, the jeans themselves put us in mind of a lightning screensaver.

In other news, Audrina Patridge wasn't the only one posing for the cameras this week: Page Six Magazine published some publicity shots that Jeremy "human thermometer" Piven did for his short-lived stint in Broadway's Speed The Plow. Seems Piven rejects the idea of mediocrity in all aspects of his performance...

According to Page Six Magazine, the 43-year-old Entourage star was a bit hard to direct during a September photo shoot the magazine did to promote Speed-the-Plow.

"This isn't my first time on the merry-go-round," he said when asked to pose for a traditional head-shot. "You want mediocre? I can give you mediocre." His pose? A DMV-worthy grin. But, as you can see here, Piven didn't want to give mediocre a little later. He popped his collar, and "letting out a guttural moan," ripped the sleeves off a $350 Giorgio Armani shirt, the mag reports. (People.com)

Previously:

Jeremy Piven Drops Out of David Mamet Play, Prompting Mamet to Suggest He Be Shoved Up Someone's Ass

No One Believes Jeremy Piven Eats That Much Sushi

No More Fashion for Heidi

Tom Cruise Weighs In On "The Hills" Wedding. Weird.

Lindy Parker — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 19:00:00 GMT

We don't really know what to say about this one. Granted, Tom Cruise had himself a merry little wedding not too long ago, so we suppose he may have a thing or two he wants to say on the subject, but seriously? He wants to comment on the elopement of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt? Really?

Admittedly, it didn't seem as though he actually watches "The Hills" during the interview -- more like the veejays gave him a recap and asked his opinion -- but still, doesn't T. Cruise have better things to discuss than whether or not Spencer and Heidi should've had a bigger wedding? Weird, Tom. Weird.

Here's the clip.

"Hills" Stars Get Married Off Camera -- Thank God

Lindy Parker — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 15:00:00 GMT

So it seems it finally happened -- Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt tied the knot in Mexico, and we have two things to say:

1. Good luck to them -- if real life Spencer is even a fraction as asshole-y as his onscreen persona, it might be an uneven and pothole-riddled road to marital bliss. All things being equal, Heidi's no picnic either. Case in point her reasons for keeping the elopement from her mother: "She was starting so much drama, it kind of pushed me toward wanting to get married without that," she adds. "I don't know when I'll tell her." Hmmm. Perhaps on the cover of Us Magazine?

2. We're hoping that "secret ceremony" means just that. We don't want video of the blessed event showing up on Access Hollywood. We're not sure we could handle self-penned vows from this couple without losing our lunch.

Who’s Your Daddy?

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 19:20:00 GMT

Playboy Bunny and star of The Girls Next Door, Kendra Wilkinson is now engaged to NFL star Hank Baskett. In the creepiest news of the day, Hank tells People.com that Hugh Hefner, who’s apparently “like a father” to Kendra, will be the one to walk the former Bunny down the aisle or around the grotto, since the wedding will be held at the Playboy mansion. Hank has even asked for Hef’s blessing.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay . . . we aren’t naïve enough to think that reality television and reality are the same thing (although we know The Hills is real). We realize that Kendra was Hef’s “girlfriend” mostly in the figurative, playing-house sense. However, isn’t there something a little twisted about asking blessings from a man who commissioned these photos of your fiancé . . .

Call us old-fashioned.

Ewww.

Can’t Get Enough Kim Kardashian

Olivia Purnell — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 17:20:00 GMT

We kind of enjoy Kim Kardashian. Among a line-up of stick-thin, sternum flaunting, waifish 'it-girls,' Kim’s curves are totally refreshing. She's stunning. And let’s be honest, homegirl is gifted in the badonka region, and who doesn’t enjoy a good badonk. Admittedly, in the tradition of reality television stars, Kim’s a kind of vapid. But she (along with the rest of the Kardashian clan) is funny vapid, not annoying vapid.

Since she was ousted on Dancing With the Stars for blatant gracelessness and an inability to move all that junk in her sizable trunk, we’ve felt a little sad. Keeping up with the Kardashians alone is simply not enough Kim for us. Not to worry, Kim’s taping a guest appearance on How I Met Your Mother. Move over Speidi, Kimmy is coming to town.

Let’s remind ourselves why we like Kim (and her considerable assets). Pic after the jump . . .

Maybe this photo is the inspiration for Kim's How I Met Your Mother episode . . . What? We can dream.

Previously:

"Hills" Stars to Guest on "How I Met Your Mother"

Lindy Parker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:20:00 GMT

Seriously? Why can't the cast of The Hills just stay on their own show where they belong and where we can easily avoid them? Why must they pop up on shows we like, shows we dislike, and random cell phone commercials?

Up next, it seems TV's most annoying couples (how did they not make the TV Guide list?), Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt will guest star as themselves in an upcoming episode of How I Met Your Mother. Sigh. We're tired of you, Heidi and Spencer. Please go away.

Lauren Conrad Goes Greek. And It's Weird For Us.

Lindy Parker — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 17:00:00 GMT

So predictably, we were a little weirded out by Lauren Conrad's guest spot on Greek last night. It's not so much that LC giving acting a try is all that strange -- after all her high school paramour and fellow Laguna Beach alum, Stephen Colletti was on One Tree Hill for a whole season -- it was her playing herself and talking about her actual life in a fictional universe that made us a tad uncomfortable. In a nutshell, Casey has a dream in which she asks Lauren for advice about her relationship. Basically it goes like this:

Casey: I don't know what I should do.
LC: I know! It's totally like with Jason and going to Paris.
Casey: Totally.
Ashley: Your hair's so shiny.
LC: I use a ceramic flatiron.

We're not sure why this was so weird for us. In a way, perhaps it was even clever -- a person who watches The Hills might well have a dream in which LC is dispensing this sort of advice. But the interplay between Lauren Conrad (a real person) and Casey and Ashley (fake people) talking about LC's real relationship with a person who actually exists freaks us out. Even if you argue that LC's TV life is scripted and thus a kind of fiction, is it not bizarre that she's lived this Truman Show existence for most of her adult life? We're just saying, weird no?

The Weekly Rewind: Seriously, Is This Election Over Yet?

Ben Kallen — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 21:30:00 GMT

Nope, not yet! TV's still all about politics -- and, on the other hand, distracting ourselves from politics -- as we'll find out when we recall the highlights of the week.

We watched hot Sarah Palin on SNL, and she was funnier than the average guest host. Coming soon: Ellen Show dancer Barack Obama. Too bad one of these two will be elected soon -- we smell comedy team! (Don't forget to add this guy.)

Opie Cunningham came back through time from 30-plus years ago! (To, um, tell us how to vote today.)

We watched the season premiere of 30 Rock -- before it aired on TV! The Internet is cool.

We heard that someone still doesn't like the looks of Dancing With the Stars' Cheryl Burke. Someone crazy.

...Or else maybe Dancing is cursed.

We set Lance Bass against Joey Fatone, and Dwight against Gareth. Remember, no talking about Fight Club!

We heard that Lindsay Lohan's having problems -- and this time, it's personal.

We saw the new CSI tech naked, which probably means she'll be murdered off soon.

We heard that William Shatner got into a spat with George Takei. Did you know they used to work together?

Just like Desmond, we predicted what's going to happen next on Lost.

We saw a preview of 50 Cent's new show, and it was kind of like business school. Heck, the guy's name is money.

We got mad at Fringe for being too much like other shows, but then realized that without other shows, it wouldn't be about anything.

What the hell, AMC? You say you're bringing back Mad Men, but neither the creator nor the actors have contracts yet? Is that any way to treat the best show on TV?

We wondered why anyone would want to dress like this lady anyway.

More Dexter, yay! More Knight Rider -- huh?

We saw Se cond Becky give a loud kiss-off to Ted on How I Met Your Mother. We love ya, sister, but please do not get back with J.D. on Scrubs.

And we noticed that House and Gray's Anatomy have figured out what we really want in a medical series: girl-on-girl action.

But not this kind.

Previously:
The Weekly Rewind: Everyone's a Comedian

No More Fashion for Heidi

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 20:34:00 GMT

Heidi Montag, star of The Hills, singer/songwriter, and girl-about-town is done with fashion. At least for now. Her time with Anchor Blue is over:

Anchor Blue spokeswoman Marla White tells us the label will not renew its contract with Heidi. She said contrary to reports that the line had been discontinued, the contract was only one year long and they were happy to leave it at that. "We just felt that the one year was a great year for both of us, and we're looking into other options," she explained. "We really found that we want to explore … what style really means to our girl … and that doesn't necessarily mean a celebrity brand.” (Nymag.com)

Wow. So Heidiwood is done? Sadness. Let’s remind ourselves what Heidiwood was all about, shall we?

Heidiwood fashion photos after the jump:

Again, sadness.

Wake Up And Smile: Kids In Douchebag Costumes Are Hysterical

Bryan Christian — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:30:00 GMT

-- Maybe you saw this clip of Bill O'Reilly and Barney Frank going at it over the sub-prime meltdown a few weeks ago? Well, if you haven't, take a look -- and then click through for the Funny or Die version, which we're pretty certain is going to scar its underage co-star for life.

PLUS: the latest on Deadwood's Ian McShane and Brian Cox, Starz's failed new series Crash, Will Ferrell reprising his George Bush impression one final time, is someone leaving The View -- and is it the end for The Hills?

-- A few weeks ago, we got an opportunity to take look at Crash, Starz's new LA-set drama based on the Oscar-winning film of the same name. We took a pass. Apparently, this was a good idea.

-- Elizabeth Hasselbeck is *not* leaving The View, so don't think that Sherri Shepard is gonna have to carry all that show's "weird" on her own.

-- Best way to ring out the Bush Adminstration Mark II? Will Ferrell as W on Broadway.

-- Deadwood fans, good news: Brian Cox and Ian McShane will be together again!

-- Maybe there's a reason for that rumored spinoff of The Hills -- OK Magazine is reporting that OMG srsly no one can stand each other on the original show, like, even more than you know.

“The City”: For Real?

Olivia Purnell — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 16:20:00 GMT

Whitney Port. Of all The Hills girls, she’s probably the least annoying. She’s even halfway likeable. Halfway, we said. She’s cute. She seems sweet enough but not too sweet, like vegan cheesecake (also, she’s pale and low in calories). She’s got that fashion-line thing she’s working on. And, she’s inexplicably attentive whenever Lauren Conrad has some inane bit of information to discuss on The Hills. We’d have slapped that ho by now.

We’re happy she’s getting her own spinoff . . .

Good for you, girl. We weren’t sure it would ever happen. In one fell swoop you’ve escaped Lauren’s manicured clutches and beaten out the evil and omnipresent Speidi.

But the audacity, the balls it takes to call your show The City. Wow. As New Yorkers ourselves, this name rings, how shall we say . . . False. What on earth could Whitney Port have going on that will have anything to do with the City that we know and love? Maybe MTV should call it “The Rich,” or “The Meatpacking District,” or something.

Important News from “The Hills”

Olivia Purnell — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 18:30:00 GMT

Whitney Port of has a clothing line. Did you know this? We did. But we’d blissfully retired this information into the annals of the useless bullshit section of our brain (its right behind the cortex that handles motor skills and when/when not to slap a bitch). Now that her frocks are on sale at Kitson.com, we’ve been forced to relocate this little bit of knowledge back into the stuff-we-know-that-we-know portion of our gray matter. Which is fine, since we’d rather not think about Sarah Palin, anything having to do with the Bailout Plan, or our continued military presence in Iraq.

So, here are our very important thoughts on Whitney and her wares:

Whitney seems harmless. Kind of shiny, always coifed, and spectacularly thin, she’s your typical Hills girl. Her clothes, like every other Hills starlet’s attempt at legitimate fashion design, seem almost as benign as she is. "Whitney Eve"/"Eve & A," the line is called one of these two names based on the days of the week, or the hours of the day, or how Whitney is feeling when she applies her lip gloss. It’s all very harmless, except for the fact that her frocks are in the 300 to 400 dollar price range. (Cue unwanted thoughts on the economy). Check out the photo below . . . hmmmm, ruffles, interesting choice. Interesting 345-dollar choice.

"Mad TV" Takes on "The Hills" and Wins

Ben Kallen — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:25:00 GMT

We've been talking a lot about Saturday Night Live lately, but it would be criminal to overlook the way Mad TV's season premiere managed to demolish The Hills this weekend. Mad's parodies don't get as much respect as those of its Saturday-night comedy rival, but Crista Flanagan and Nicole Parker couldn't be more perfect as the show's bubbleheaded, totally unscripted roomies.

Click through for their equally brilliant Hills parody from last season, too.

Previously:
Does a Hills Spinoff Mean MTV Will Cut Heidi and Spencer Loose?
Saturday Night Live: Tina Fey Rocks as Sarah Palin

The Weekly Rewind: We're All Just a Bunch of Gossip Girls

Ben Kallen — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:30:00 GMT

Politics, TV shows, celebrities: It's all a mess of tawdry gossip. So why don't we delve right back into it with the highlights of the week:

As the new TV season started, we watched the premieres of Raising the Bar, America's Next Top Model, Sons of Anarchy, Gossip Girl and also 90210. And what did we learn? Teenagers and models are far more interesting than lawyers. (Sorry, Mark-Paul Gosselaar!)

We reported that David Duchovny had entered rehab for being a sex addict, maybe because he looked at too much computer porn. Then we heard it was actually because he fooled around with hot women. Which may be worse, but is far less embarrassing.

We found some funny-shaped Hannah Montana candy -- and, boy, did you guys have a lot to say about it!

We learned that Gossip Girl's Leighton Meester was almost born in jail. (We thought about hugging her and telling her that it doesn't matter, but didn't want to deal with the restraining order.)

We revealed a secret plot to suck your soul into a computer.

We heard from wacky old guys Alec Baldwin and David Letterman.

We overheard some heartfel t commentary at the Republican convention, and discovered that VP candidate Sarah Palin is made for TV.

We saw reporters get rocked like a hurricane.

We learned that in space, no one can hear you swear. (Correctly, anyway.)

We worried about Heidi and Spencer leaving The Hills, and about Kim Bauer coming back to 24.

But we can't wait to see Britney at the VMAs -- and talk to you about it next week.

Photo: The CW

Previously:
The Weekly Rewind: Summer's End

Does A "Hills" Spinoff Mean MTV Will Cut Heidi And Spencer Loose?

Bryan Christian — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 20:29:00 GMT

Defamer is speculating that this week's episode of The Hills, wherein Whitney went to New York and, um, stuff, was actually a dry-run for new Hills spinoff starring Ms. Port -- which, as we remember it, would be a spinoff of a spinoff since The Hills was itself a spinoff of Laguna Beach: The Real OC (oh, yeah; we remember it used to have a subtitle) and doublewhich, if we're reaching the third level of spinning off of this franchise, means we're fairly certain that it's reached a kind of event horizon for anaerobic, asexual, spontaneous self-perpetuation with these rich people reality shows, meaning that someday we'll be as knee deep in these things as Kirk was in tribbles, and that in addition to forming the backbone of our economy, they'll be our major source of oxygen and nutrients, which we'll extract by grabbing them by the neck, shaking them till they're dead, and picking the soft wet meat from their bones with our tee...

Woah, hey. What the frak was that? Where were we? What were we talking about. Oh, jeez, a Hills spinoff. Well, cripes, of course MTV would want one of those. Any excuse to cut photohungry horseshit douchebags like these loose.

Top Ten New Shows: #3: "90210"

Bryan Christian — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 16:31:00 GMT

The new fall season is almost here. Starting next week, the cable and broadcast networks will begin rolling out their new shows to see if they take off like castaways on an island or singing casino managers. Here, then, are the top ten new shows we're most looking forward to seeing.

The pilot's under lock and key, and the critics aren't getting a sneak peek – but reports from the cast have indicated that even if The CW's much heralded 90210 reboot will not feature Tori Spelling, it will have a BJ in the first episode. You just try to keep us away from this one.

What? Are you concerned that the good name of the original series is gonna get ruined with a parade of snarky, coked-up L.A. trustfunders? Really? Where were you when, um, this and this? This ain't fiction, baby; it's practically journalism. Our only concern is that, as some blogs are hinting at, they've cut Jessica Walter – a.k.a. Lucille Bluth – out of the show entirely. Guys, if she seems square to you, put a drink in her hand! (Oh, whew!)

90210 (Tuesdays at 8pm EST) premieres NEXT TUESDAY, September 2 at 8PM EST.

TOP TEN NEW SHOWS 2008

#1. "Fringe"
#2. "True Blood"
#3. "90210"
#4. "Life On Mars"
#5. "The Mentalist"
#6. "Sons of Anarchy"
#7. "Do Not Disturb"
#8. "Eleventh Hour"
#9. "Kath & Kim"
#10. "Knight Rider"

Top Ten TV Stars And The Music Videos That Make Us Hate Them

Lindy Parker — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 18:20:00 GMT

We think it goes without saying that number one is Heidi Montag's new single "Overdosin'." It almost pains us to elaborate -- the legwarmers, the bizarre Olivia Newton-John reference, the guy on the right that kind of looks like Eric Menedez in a headband -- it's clearly a wince-a-thon.

The other nine contenders:

2. Paris Hilton, "Stars are Blind." Our favorite lyrics: "Those other guys all wanna take me for a ride/But when I walk they talk of suicide." Cheery, Paris. Verdict: Calvin Klein commercial from hell.

3. Jessica Simpson, "With You." We deliberated between "With You" and the remake of "These Boots Are Made For Walking," but the chicken wings in "With You" pushed us over the edge. Verdict: We feel like with Jessica Simpson, things might get worse before they get better.

4. Britney Spears, "Everytime." Highlight: Gueststar Stephen Dorff dressed as Popeye for the new millennium. Verdict: How about a bank heist? Could you do a video about a bank heist?

5. OTOWN, "Liquid Dreams." First of all, the title has an ick factor. Second, that discomfort is emphasized by the awkward dance move that accompanies aforementioned title lyric. Verdict: A dirty Capri-Sun commercial.

6. Jennifer Love Hewitt, "BareNaked." Our favorite lyrics: "You ever try your luck with a pickup line/But you just sucked." Indeed we have. Thanks for understanding. Verdict: We would enjoy it more if everyone in the video turned out to be ghosts. Needy ghosts.

7. Tila Tequila, "I Love U." Lowpoint: The spoken-word intro. Verdict: Maybe Tila could channel all that passion in a more positive direction, like a series of strip-aerobics videos.

8. Hilary Duff, "With Love." Thing that makes us feel used: The video doubles as an ad for her fragrance by the same name. Verdict: Hilary's reversible trench coat almost saves it.

9. Aaron Carter, "Aaron's Party (Come Get It)." Lowpoint: His disconcerting gangsta accent. Verdict: A new VW bug in the hands of a twelve year old is a dangerous business.

10. NKOTB, "Summertime." Okay, so they're not all TV stars, but Donnie Wahlberg totally counts. We almost hate to include this one because it's really quite glorious in a crash-and-burn kind of way. We could have done a Top Ten List just on this video. Drawback: An unsettling feeling of deja vu. We've seen this video before, except it was called "Summertime Girls" and LFO was singing about Abercrombie and Fitch. Verdict: We don't want to hear grown men singing about flip flops.

Remake Me Over: We Make Old MTV Stars MTV-Friendly Again

Ben Kallen — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 19:45:00 GMT

Over at Defamer.com, there's a great article about how stars who used to define MTV wouldn't even be allowed on the network these days, since its programming has been pretty much completely turned over to the tastes of "reality"-loving 14-year-old girls.

But here at The Remote Island, we don't think anyone should give up so easily! In true spunky-TV-character fashion, we're ready to give some of those early shows a makeover that would let them survive and even thrive in today's modern basic-cable environment. Have a look:

1. Daria. The problem: The animated Beavis and Butt-Head spinoff's main character is a dumpy, intellectual outcast who wouldn't be willing to make out with other girls.

Our remake: The Quinn Show! Daria's little sister, who was considered nothing but an annoyance on the original series, is everything a Hills-era MTV character should be: attractive, vapid, materialistic, boy-crazy, and willing to do anything to climb a meaningless social ladder. Just make Quinn the star of the show, and send Daria off to Swarthmore or Celebrity Rehab or something. Really, it's amazing nobody has thought of this already.

2. Just Say Julie. The problem: According to Defamer, wacky Valley Girlish host Julie Brown, whose job was basically just making fun of stuff, was 35 when her show started airing in 1989. (Wikipedia gives her a later birthdate that would actually have made her 31, but still -- that's so over the hill.)

Our remake: Just Say Julia. If Brown is 50 today, that's granny time by TV standards. So turn this into a Hannah Montana-ish sitcom about pretty, perky, talented 14-year-old aspiring starlet Julia and all her good-looking school friends. But how can she get her acting, modeling and rock-star careers off the ground when wacky Grandma Julie keeps screwing things up? Hilarious!

3. Tabitha Soren. The problem: The pretty young MTV News journalist, who was "derided as nothing more than a shameless attempt to sex up the news," would be considered far too unsexy in today's era of newscasts anchored by hot blonde potential underwear models.

Our remake: Tabitha's Soarin'. Another star-making reality competition, this one would be a search for the lead in Tabitha, a musical sequel to Bewitched that has Samantha's magical daughter trying to make it as a reporter. It's High School Musical and Wicked and Legally Blonde: The Musical all in one -- plus, it sounds almost educational.

4. Music videos. The problem: The network that pioneered "music television" just isn't interested in them anymore.

Our remake: Viral Countdown. In this new "alternative" Internet/TV hybrid, the network will comb YouTube for the best user-produced material and show it to a wide national audience. Eventually, big entertainment companies will notice how much exposure these clips are getting, and they'll start having videos professionally produced to accompany songs by the bands on their rosters. MTV will see how much better the high-priced commercial videos are, and gradually switch over to showing them exclusively. (Unfortunately, then the RIAA will realize that this allows viewers to record the songs onto their DVRs, and they'll sue MTV for copyright infringement -- at which point the network will give up on music completely. Oh, well, can't win 'em all.)

Image: Defamer.com

Previously:
MTV To Make Horror Show Out of Rocky Horror Picture Show
From G's to Gents Is Our New Boyfriend

TV Columnist Admits TV Stars Hate TV

Ben Kallen — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 18:25:00 GMT

We all know people who claim they don't ever watch TV, except maybe Mad Men and Masterpiece Theatre and the occasional roundtable debate about the effects of global warming on penguin habitats. But now we have confirmation from AP television writer Frazier Moore that this group of Hills-despising, How I Met Your Mother-ignoring snobs includes TV performers themselves.

"Among the scads of TV stars I've talked to, I never made a point of grilling them on their TV consumption," Moore writes. "I don't recall how often it came up. But over time I started to realize (and marvel) that, out of everyone who did address the issue with me, fewer than a dozen of them copped to being TV fans.

"The rest: Well, they don't shun just the programs they appear in. They don't watch TV, period. Or so they claim."

Well, sure -- it's one thing to play Horny Nerd at Sci-Fi Convention on The Big Bang Theory, and another to admit you watch the thing. What would you tell your friends when you run into them at Pinkberry? In fact, Moore points out, it's obvious what Hollywood's attitude toward the medium itself is, given that the TV-watchingest TV characters tend to be fat louts such as Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin and Tony Soprano.

Luckily, not all performers feel that way about their own audience. The actors who Moore says do admit to being fans of the tube also participate in some of the smartest, most pop-culture-relevant shows: The Office and Extras writer-actor Ricky Gervais, Robot Chicken cocreator Seth Green, and Mad Men star Jon Hamm.

So if you ever catch yourself saying all you watch is Mad Men and The Office, keep in mind that the people on the screen are home with a bowl of popcorn and Two and a Half Men or some Law & Order marathon, just like everybody else.

Image: Fox

Previously:
Mad Men Recap: Sunday Worst
Even More Great Office News
How I Met Your Mother Secrets Revealed (No, Not That One)

Charlie Sheen Makes Way More Money Than You Do

Ben Kallen — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:25:00 GMT

TV Guide has just come out with its annual survey of the top earners on television. And guess what? In case you didn't know it already, you're in the wrong profession.

Charlie Sheen tops the list as the highest-paid actor in a series -- Denise Richards' ex pulls in $825,000 per episode for Two and a Half Men, in which he has an ownership stake. Yes, that's for dick jokes. And fart jokes. And, yes, the kid's funnier.

That's followed by CSI's William Petersen, who makes $600,000 per episode (just when he's planning to leave the show -- guess you can have enough money), 24's Kiefer Sutherland at $500,000 (hey, torture-boy earns it), and Law & Order: SVU's talented Mariska Hargitay at $400,000. And after two decades of service, the voice actors on The Simpsons now make $400,000 per episode each -- so you'd better keep watching the ads if you want Fox to continue making new ones.

At the bottom of the list is Burn Notice's poor Jeffrey Donovan at $55,000 per -- darn cable! Even The Hills' Lauren Conrad makes more than that, $75,000 per episode, for doing whatever the heck it is she does.

But while that all may seem like a lot, it's peacock feed compared to the incomes of multitasking hosts, many of whom produce their own shows. Oprah Winfrey's company reportedly took in $385 million last year -- she could buy her own country if she didn't already run this one. Simon Cowell makes $50 million annually for pushing Coke on American Idol. Meanwhile, David Letterman makes $32 million annually (though a lot of that reportedly is spent on the show), with Jay Leno following closely behind at $27 mil. But wee Craig Ferguson gets by on just $2.5 million annually -- no wonder he keeps recycling the same Michael Caine and Prince Charles impressions over and over.

Oh, and Miley Cyrus took in $25 million for both acting and singing last year. But don't worry, she'll probably manage to earn some real money when she turns 16.

Image: CBS

Previously:
Emmy Nominations -- A Complete-ish List
Billionaire Tycoon Oprah Winfrey Advises College Grads That Money Isn't Everything

Heidi and Spencer with Guns: Just Another Sign of the Apocalypse

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:28:00 GMT

Just Jared reports that The Hills “celebrities” Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt visited a firing range in L.A. on Tuesday. “The pair are working on their firearms skills with a personal instructor who went over shooting skills, close combat, tactical, and defense weapons training. Heidi and Spencer came with their own personal arsenal and also rented other weapons.”

There are a ton…a ton…of photos and videos of the two playing with firearms over at Pacific Coast News. At first, they made us think, “Are those shoes and short-shorts really appropriate for the firing range?” And, “What exactly is Heidi’s career arc?” But after clicking through them all, the only disturbing question we’re left with is, “They go home and screw like little bleach-blonde bunnies after this, don’t they?”

Previously:
Heidi and Spencer Quote Mother Teresa, Invoke Tupac
The Hills Update: Lauren’s Mad; VH1 Says “Heidi & Spencer Make Millions Off Being A-Holes”