The Remote Island : The Pickup Artist

"The Pickup Artist" Had Greatness Thrust Upon Him

Jake Kalish — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 16:30:00 GMT

Despite ourselves, we kind of almost half like Mystery. VH1's Pickup Artist. As big douches go, he's pretty entertaining - and he performs the important service of turning scared, virginal dorks into overconfident, insincere assholes. But no matter how much we like The Pickup Artist, it's nothing compared to how much Mystery likes himself, as evidenced by his excellent interview with John Sellers in this week's Time Out New York.

Among the revelations:

I was never meant to be a pickup artist. It wasn't a conscious choice. It was just sort of thrust upon me, as there were a lot of people hurting and needing solutions.

But that's only the second best quote. This is the best:

I have this beautiful, long PVC cape that I can only wear with five-inch platform boots because it’s that long, and personally, I think it looks absolutely great. And the last time I wore it out, did I make out with a girl? Yes. I admit publicly I made out with a girl—so yeah, I think it worked.

He's like a superhero, this Mystery, seeing people in need and swooping down in his cape to help them. After he negs your sister into making out with him at the bar.

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Mystery And His Man-Goggles Return for Season Two of “The Pick-Up Artist”

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 20:24:00 GMT

Worst Halloween costume ever? No kids, it’s Mystery, the elusive “pick-up artist”/douchebag-you-kinda-maybe-would-sleep-with if you met him in real life (according to an un-scientific poll we just conducted among, um, three women).

Love him, hate him, want to knock those silly goggles off his damn forehead…either way, he’s back for a new season of VH1’s The Pick-Up Artist. Only this time—there’s a twist!

Sadly, it doesn’t involve goggles being twisted around Mystery's neck, as this promo shot shows.

No, this twist involves a lady wing-person. Or, “wing-girl.” (Why there are wing-men and then wing-girls, we don’t know. It’s probably akin to insulting a drunk woman so that she’ll make out with you.) We’ll let VH1 explain:

Based on the tremendous viewer response to the series The Pickup Artist, VH1 has once again teamed up with world renowned pickup guru Mystery to help guide nine new “socially awkward” students overcome their biggest fears - meeting women. As we saw last season, Mystery has developed a foolproof formula for these men to follow, whether they’re in a bar, club or coffee shop. Through his various teachings and in-the-field tests, Mystery will prepare these men with the skills they need to overcome their shyness and confidence issues in the real world.

The Pickup Artist 2 brings a new twist to the show, as Mystery and Season 1 wing-man and fellow pickup artist Matador are joined by new wing-girl Tara. Viewers may remember Tara as Season 1’s kissing coach. In this second season she will expand her role by adding a female perspective. Tara will serve as full time wing-girl to Mystery and act as a confidant for the contestants.

Set your DVR! The Pickup Artist 2 premieres on VH1 on Sunday, October 12 at 10:00 PM.

We’ll be waiting for Season 3, when maybe they’ll let an actual wing-woman join the cast…or when they finally televise Mystery getting kicked in the balls. You know it's happened...

Today In Lawsuits: Mystery Loves Monopoly

Bryan Christian — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 17:29:00 GMT

Erik "Mystery" von Markovic is getting sued -- and it ain't for ANY of the things you're thinking of.

The complaint alleges that [The Pickup Artist] elevated the stature of host/"seduction guru"/co-defendant Erik "Mystery" von Markovic and the show's website linked to the website of co-defendant Venusian Arts Corporation, an online seduction "affiliate" who possibly paid a 25% commission of its sales back to Viacom. Together, the arrangement "tilted the balance of the internet seduction advice industry so in favor of Defendants Mystery and VAC...that their market share of and control over this relevant market approaches that of a monopoly."

"Hold up, Remote Island -- some guy is suing Mystery because he's supposed to have gone all Wal-mart on this guy's corner store seduction classes or something?"

Yeah, that's it. That's it exactly.

What are we supposed to do with that? Who do we root for? Besides the sun, which hopefully will get a 5 billion year jump on things, jump start its solar death, and kill us all.