The Remote Island : Tiki Barber

Football Players Turned TV Stars: Dhani Jones Will Probably Be Great, Michael Strahan Not So Much

Jake Kalish — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 18:22:00 GMT

We watched the premiere episode of Dhani Tackles The Globe on the Travel Channel last night, and it's a def thumbs-up, with the potential for a fist of victory if they make a couple of improvements, as per our suggestions. We're significantly less psyched about the news that Jones' former teammate on the Giants, perpetual ham Michael Strahan, will star in a new sitcom.

Incidentally, Dhani Jones, Michael Strahan, and Today Show correspondent Tiki Barber were all on the New York Giants from 2000-2003. Did those teams have acting coaches?

All right, observations on Dhani Tackles The Globe. First, the good:

1. For a professional athlete, Dhani Jones has a refreshing willingness to get himself in the middle of a foreign culture and look dumb. Him trying frantically to place bets with crazed fans in a language he doesn't speak, on a sport (Muay Thai) he barely knows, was great. As was him watching small fish fight, supposedly for an hour. He's a very likable fellow.

2. He's funny, and a natural in front of the camera. While waiting for a cab by the side of the road, he said "they don't pick up black men here, either." and when the sex workers of Bangkok's red-light district competed for his American dollars, he replied "You love me? You don't even know me!" The whole red-light district thing was good; watching a huge African-American man get tugged on and harrassed by tiny Thai hookers makes for compelling TV. Jones handled it all well, turning to one particularly aggressive prostitute, smiling, and saying "I'm really not comfortable with this." Then, after the pro walked off, turning to the camera, a little freaked out, and saying "I think that was a ladyboy."

3. He busts ass and learns fast. He immersed himself in Muay Thai culture, endured rigorous workouts, and became a passable fighter in a week. That's seriously impressive - his work ethic and aptitude make the show much better. Also, the workouts give producers an excuse to have Dhani shirtless nearly all the damned time.

Now, the not so good:

1. Dhani Jones' voice-over narration (and there was a lot of it) sounded totally overexcited, scripted, and unnatural. Which makes sense, since narrating is unnatural. There's no reason to think someone who's never done that before would take to it easily. Producers need to go to Dhani and say "Calm down. Just talk." If that doesn't work (or even if it does) they can cut down the voice-overs, and have Jones speak directly to the camera, which he does naturally. Or they can use graphics to move viewers from scene to scene. If they recognize the problem, this seems like an easy fix.

2. There needs to be more cultural context and analysis. What does Muay Thai mean to Thailand, aside from it just being popular? How does it fit in to the culture as a whole? What is that culture, and how is it reflected in these sports? This is the kind of stuff Anthony Bourdain does so well with food on No Reservations - explaining, and not in stuffy academic terms, what say, the food in Vietnam means about the Vietnamese. Of course, Anthony Bourdain is a writer, and Dhani Jones is a football player, so having him stick mostly with the physical stuff is a good idea. But Dhani Jones is also a smart dude; maybe they can have him interview an expert type every show, so we can get a better feel for what we're seeing.

Overall, a really encouraging premiere of a show with the potential to be excellent. Still have no idea how the Cincinatti Bengals let Jones get kicked and punched. Also not sure how they feel about him gambling (even for very low stakes) and talking to hookers. But we dug it.

Now, Dhani Jones' former teammate Michael Strahan, and his new sitcom pilot Brothers, described thusly:

"Brothers" will star Strahan as a retired NFL player who returns to his hometown and starts working to reconnect with his family -- especially his brother (Mitchell), who is confined to a wheelchair following a car accident.

Bleccch. There's a real stretch for Strahan, huh? It's like giving him carte blanche to do his wacky Michael Strahan thing, which is annoying enough on Fox NFL Sunday, when at least there are lots of other guys who can interrupt him. Unlike Dhani Jones, Strahan was an all-time great football player, but probably not as good as he thought he was. And definitely not as funny. Michael Strahan obviously has an enormous ego, and is the type of dude who, if you put a camera on him, will invariably make a funny face or do a goofy dance. Real center-of attention stuff, which will of course be fueled by the constant mentions of the pilot on Fox's football coverage, and endless promos if the show gets picked up. Which we're sure had something to do with signing Strahan up in the first place - there's a hype machine already in place to publicize Brothers. But just because Strahan was great with a helmet on doesn't mean sports fans will tune in for his Very Special Episodes.

Maybe we're wrong. Maybe Michael Strahan's show will turn out to be great. But right now, if we had to pick between former Giants, we'd definitely go with the guy who's worse on the gridiron, but way better on TV. Get your Tivo acquainted with Dhani Tackles The Globe. It's a fun show.

PREVIOUSLY:

"Dhani Tackles The Globe" Tonight At 9 On the Travel Channel

Anthony Bourdain Picks And Pans

Imaginary TV Fights: Tiki Barber Of "The Today Show" Vs. Tiki Barber Of "Football Night In America"

Imaginary TV Fights: Tiki Barber of "The Today Show" vs. Tiki Barber of "Football Night In America"

Jake Kalish — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 22:11:00 GMT

Tiki Barber is a busy man - a correspondent for The Today Show all week and then, on Sunday night, strapping it on (that means something different in football than it does in pornography) to be one of the eighty-three people hosting Football Night in America.

In addition, his second book, Tiki Barber's Pure Hard Workout (It's a Victorian-era comedy of manners) was published November 13th. How can one man do it all? Our answer: he can't and half of these duties are being performed by Tiki's identical twin Ronde. But just in case it is Attiim Kiambu Barber himself handling all this work, he must, at the very least, have a split personality. So howzabout those personalities fight? Cryptopopculturalist and part-time pulling guard Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights at your service, to give you the blow-by-blow. (That means something different in fighting than it does in pornography.)

TIKI BARBER OF FOOTBALL NIGHT IN AMERICA	TIKI BARBER OF THE TODAY SHOW
Broadcasting Teammate: Jerome "The Bus" Bettis	Broadcasting Teammate: Ann "The Tank" Curry
40 Yard Dash: 4.47 seconds, away from Keith Olbermann's commercial break political diatribes	40 Yard Dash: 4.53 seconds, to the set's kitchen to cook peach muffins
Bench Press: 3 sets of Eagles coach Andy Reid	Bench Press: 20 sets of Tim Gunn

THE FIGHT

Inspired by a classic Kathie Lee Gifford pep talk, Today Tiki takes a handoff from Matt Lauer, and, following a lead block by Gene Shalit, busts through the Viera and Roker led offensive line to pulverize and slobberknock Football NIght Tiki, who gets absolutely no assistance from any of his two hundred and fourteen co-hosts. Prone and concussed, football Tiki then is pestered by Costas and commentated on by Olbermann.

WINNER: TODAY TIKI

JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.

Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press

PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary TV Fights: Duchovny vs. Duchovny
Imaginary TV Fights: Dwight Schrute vs. Gareth Keenan
Imaginary TV Fights: Lance Bass vs. Joey Fatone
Imaginary TV Fights: Stamos vs. Stamos
Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner
Imaginary TV Fights: "Dexter" vs. Everybody From "C.S.I."

Top Five Weird Highlights From "Iron Chef America" Does Thanksgiving

Lindy Parker — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:20:00 GMT

We don't know about you, but we've been virtually glued to the Food Network this week watching hours on end of Thanksgiving themed cooking shows. We swear, we've watched nine or ten different chefs give tips for preparing the perfect turkey, and we find it oddly mesmerizing -- not unlike the bass fishing channel in that way.

Last night, we stumbled upon what had to be the greatest holiday special since the passing of Jim Henson: Iron Chef America -- Thanksgiving Showdown. The Iron Chefs faced off against each other using ingredients present at the first Thanksgiving, and Morimoto may or may not have grabbed Bobby Flay's ass...

Top Five Highlights From the Show:

1. The Chairman was sporting an orange-sherbert-hued tie that made everyone uncomfortable.

2. The show began with the Chairman calling Marc Ecko out of a cloud of steam and commending him on the new uniforms he designed for the Iron Chefs

The Chairman: Magnificent!
Marc Ecko: Cool. I gotta go. Peace.

3. The showdown matched Bobby Flay and Mike Simon against Cat Cora and Masaharu Morimoto -- so it was kind of like frat boys take on the odd couple. At one point we're pretty sure Morimoto goosed Bobby Flay just to mess with his head. Morimoto is way funnier than we imagined.

4. The judging panel was comprised of the strangest set of celebrities ever: Tiki Barber, the aforementioned Marc Ecko, Lou Diamond Philips and Donatella Arpaia. Okay, we get why Donatella Arpaia is there -- food critic, restauranteur -- totally makes sense? Not to be unkind, but it's hard for us to take the culinary critique of Tiki Barber, Marc Ecko and Lou Diamond Phillips seriously. It sort of makes us feel like the Food Network spent their budget on the celebrity chefs and then found themselves scrambling for judges ("Hey, has anyone called Lou Diamond Phillips?"). Although, to be honest, we felt a bit better about the whole thing after LDP (who, by the way, is alledgedly a "prolific home cook" and also sporting a haircut that makes him a dead ringer for a multi-racial John Stamos) got into an esoteric discussion with Bobby flay about some sort of Navajo fry bread.

5. During judging, LDP starting fawning all over Bobby Flay and Tiki Barber (who may or may not have been high...just putting that out there) called him out for being a kiss ass. For the record, we further suspected that TB had been smoking back stage when he devoured the turkey egg soufflé in a matter of seconds and dug around in the bottom with his spoon while the others tried to get on with the critiques.

In the end, Bobby Flay and Mike Simon triumphed over Morimoto and Cora even though Mike Simon set fire to their side of the kitchen several times during the competition -- Listen, no one ever said a safe kitchen produced the best results.