The Remote Island : Tila Tequila

Modern Stalking: Man Breaks Into Tila Tequila's House And Twitter Account

Jake Kalish — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:35:00 GMT

So much stalking happening recently. This one, while extremely modern because of the Twitter angle, is also extremely scary, considering what this guy claimed to have done with Tila Tequila. According to Radar Online, this tweet was sent from Tila Tequila's account:

"Tila Tequila is dead," the first post said at 2:39 am. A second post boasted, "I just broke into her house, killer her and her dog. Logged onto Twitter to tell you guys. She was signed on already. Tila Tequila is dead."

Then Tila signed onto Twitter to point out she wasn't dead - but had been completely violated:

"Pt1 This is Tila. I am deeply sorry for the earlier post about me being dead. I don't know who logged into my account and wrote that."

"Pt.2 but someone did indeed break into my house. It's been a very scary night for me. it's 4:10am now and have been dealing with it all."

And, then, it gets scarier:

"Im moving into a different house very soon because I have a stalker who is very much so endangering my life at the moment....I love u all."

"They Broke everything in my living room....EVERYTHING IS SHATTERED! I'm so sad right now....this sucks."

"Then I found my dog locked in the trunk of my car!!!!!!!!!! I've been crying all night. THis is fucked up. I'm sad and shocked and bye"

Whoah. We've made a lot of fun of Tila Tequila here, and now we feel crappy. It also sucks that every couple of weeks it seems there's a new crazy stalker to report. No snarky jokes. Just stay safe, Tila.

PREVIOUSLY:

"DWTS" Gets Very Scary For Shawn Johnson

"So You Think You Can Dance" Choreographer Arrested On Suspicion Of Multiple Sexual Assaults

Alyssa Milano Granted A Restraining Order Against Creepy Stalker

Stalker Item #1: This Miley Cyrus Fan Sure is Creepy

Stalker Item #2: Lorne Michaels' Stalker Is Free, But Not To Stalk Lorne Michaels

Today in TV Twits: Tila Tequila Propositions David Lynch, and Lunches With Megan McCain

Lindy Parker — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 18:00:00 GMT

It seems Tila Tequila needs more of a dating challenge these days. After all, she's had two shots at love on Vh1, and a roll in the hay with Yahoo! heiress, Courtenay Semel. But, life's too short to toy with party girl billionaires and pseudo-bisexuals any longer, which, we assume, is the reason she's baiting her hook for bigger fish, and propositioning Oscar-nominated director, David Lynch, on twitter...

Oh Tila, too bad he got married in February (you just missed your chance!), but on the up side, we're pretty sure no one here thinks a threesome is out of the question. Luckily, you won't have to debrief this disappointment alone, since you have unlikely BFF Meghan McCain by your side...

Hey, a republican blogger? Now there's a challenge...

Previously:

Is Meghan McCain's Weight a Thing?

A Shot at Love Without Tila Tequila Is Like a World Without God

My Space Celebutard Tila Tequila Takes a Shot At Love With Yahoo Scion Courtenay Semel

Stay Classyfied: MTV Wants To Give YOU "A Shot At Love"!

Chenda Ngak — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 21:36:00 GMT

Break out your bi-kinis and your dental dam, because MTV is casting for Season 4 of A Shot at Love. No details about whose bisexual "love" you'll be vying for, or whether Tila Tequila will be returning to the show in any capacity, but does it matter? We're confident that MTV will deliver an equally imbalanced, equally barely dressed fameball... So, could you someday wind up having beautiful bathroom sex with said fameball? Here are the details...

MTV’s sexual stereotype shattering reality show “A Shot at Love” is coming back for an all new fourth season with a whole new cast! Forget what you think you know about the hottest show on TV!
We’re scouring the country once more in search of the most eligible, alluring, outrageous, and adventurous men and women to go head-to-head for a chance to win the heart of our bi-sexual bachelorette in the ultimate battle of the sexes because all is fair in love and war.
If you are at least 21 years old, and have the sex appeal, heart and spirit to win the love of our gorgeous Bi-Bachelorette, then we want to hear from you! (shotatlovecasting.com; craigslist.org)

Whatever happened to honesty in advertising? It's not even "Love" that we have a problem with. But we all know that by "hottest" they mean "skankiest." Why not just say it? We're all grown-ups here, right? Well, we're all legal, anyway.

Also, we get it: YOU WANT BI CHICKS! Why stop at that superfluous hyphen if you're gonna be so bald about it. Break out a <blink> tag or something!

PREVIOUSLY:

Our "Stay Classyfied" Archive

We're Totally "Hooking Up With Tila Tequila"... In Our Book Club

Jake Kalish — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 22:49:00 GMT

Well, Dostoyevsky's dead and Salinger's still in hiding, so the written word needs a new master. Stepping into that literary void... Tila Tequila, whose first tome, aptly titled Hooking Up With Tila Tequila, hits bookstores December 2nd. We know, that's a ways away, but we *just* heard about this, and we. Can't. Wait. Crossing off the days on our calendars kind of "can't wait." And shouldn't you be anxious for a book described by its publishers as a "provocative and playful guide to love, relationships, sex, fame, and being the life of the party." Huh?

But wait, there's more:

Tila's taboo-bending lack of inhibition has made her a trailblazer for the times, and there's no signs of slowing down this feisty four-foot-eleven wild child whose combination of sex appeal and accessibility has made her popularity unparalleled.

A trailblazer for the times. Like Barack Obama. And since when was "accessibility" a synonym for "bisexual whorishness"? Never mind that, here's just a little bit of what you get with your purchase: Tila's "unique brand of truthful advice," dispensed "Tequila-style." And just what is this Tequila-style advice? Well, she says when you finally have sex with your man/woman/whatever, you should "Get crazy! Fuck like a porno star!" Ah, words of wisdom, Miss Tequila. We look forward to your follow-up book, Tila Tequila's Guide To Venereal Disease.

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Let's Go Visit Reality-TV School!

Ben Kallen — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 18:55:00 GMT

Yes, there is such a place. For just $139, the New York Reality TV School will teach you to be a more confident, exciting version of your boring ol' self, just so you can date a bachelor, survive on an island, suck up to Donald Trump, or get drunk and screw in an urban apartment.

The Today Show just visited this fine educational institution, and found a wide variety of actors and everyday famewhores looking to discover the magic formula for getting cast as a "real person" on one of these programs. (Our advice, free of charge: Be hot!)

So would you really want to spend money, and three hours of your precious time, to improve your chances of sleeping with Bret Michaels or Tila Tequila? Watch the video to find out.

Previously:
Joe, No! What Ever Happened to "Joe Schmo" and "Joe Millionaire"?
Top 7 Reality-Show Contestants Who Weren't There To Make Friends

Top Ten TV Stars And The Music Videos That Make Us Hate Them

Lindy Parker — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 18:20:00 GMT

We think it goes without saying that number one is Heidi Montag's new single "Overdosin'." It almost pains us to elaborate -- the legwarmers, the bizarre Olivia Newton-John reference, the guy on the right that kind of looks like Eric Menedez in a headband -- it's clearly a wince-a-thon.

The other nine contenders:

2. Paris Hilton, "Stars are Blind." Our favorite lyrics: "Those other guys all wanna take me for a ride/But when I walk they talk of suicide." Cheery, Paris. Verdict: Calvin Klein commercial from hell.

3. Jessica Simpson, "With You." We deliberated between "With You" and the remake of "These Boots Are Made For Walking," but the chicken wings in "With You" pushed us over the edge. Verdict: We feel like with Jessica Simpson, things might get worse before they get better.

4. Britney Spears, "Everytime." Highlight: Gueststar Stephen Dorff dressed as Popeye for the new millennium. Verdict: How about a bank heist? Could you do a video about a bank heist?

5. OTOWN, "Liquid Dreams." First of all, the title has an ick factor. Second, that discomfort is emphasized by the awkward dance move that accompanies aforementioned title lyric. Verdict: A dirty Capri-Sun commercial.

6. Jennifer Love Hewitt, "BareNaked." Our favorite lyrics: "You ever try your luck with a pickup line/But you just sucked." Indeed we have. Thanks for understanding. Verdict: We would enjoy it more if everyone in the video turned out to be ghosts. Needy ghosts.

7. Tila Tequila, "I Love U." Lowpoint: The spoken-word intro. Verdict: Maybe Tila could channel all that passion in a more positive direction, like a series of strip-aerobics videos.

8. Hilary Duff, "With Love." Thing that makes us feel used: The video doubles as an ad for her fragrance by the same name. Verdict: Hilary's reversible trench coat almost saves it.

9. Aaron Carter, "Aaron's Party (Come Get It)." Lowpoint: His disconcerting gangsta accent. Verdict: A new VW bug in the hands of a twelve year old is a dangerous business.

10. NKOTB, "Summertime." Okay, so they're not all TV stars, but Donnie Wahlberg totally counts. We almost hate to include this one because it's really quite glorious in a crash-and-burn kind of way. We could have done a Top Ten List just on this video. Drawback: An unsettling feeling of deja vu. We've seen this video before, except it was called "Summertime Girls" and LFO was singing about Abercrombie and Fitch. Verdict: We don't want to hear grown men singing about flip flops.

MySpace Celebutard Tila Tequila Taking "A Shot At Love" With Yahoo! Scion Courtnay Semel

Bryan Christian — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 20:22:00 GMT

Which is kind of funny, because Courtnay's dad Terry is pretty much the guy who failed to buy MySpace back when it was cheap. And now his daughter is, as one Valleywag commenter puts it, "basically banging MySpace."

Ahhhhh, no wonder none of the contestants of Tila's reality show panned out! Their familial dysfunctions weren't websavvy or deep-pocketed enough!

(Photo by AP/Steinberg)

PREVIOUSLY:
Tila Tequila: The Net’s Poet Laureate
Tila Tequila, a Woman Scorned, Walks Off Her Own Reunion Show

Tila Tequila: The Net’s Poet Laureate

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 20:30:00 GMT

Tila Tequila—who shot for love, then got shot down—has been working her way through heartbreak by…no, not stripping for her website (well, maybe just a little)…but through poetry. And yeah, it’s as good as you'd expect. Her first was entitled “BITCHES AIN’T SHIT BUT HOES AND TRICKS!” Not exactly original, but the all-caps lends a certain gravitas:

BITCHES AIN'T SHIT BUT HOES AND TRICKS!

Thunderfuck my mouth is shut. Been a while, feel like a cunt.
Can't wait for this drama to pass.
Oh the joy.....fuck you. My ass.
Live a lie.
Tell my mind.
Over soon. I can't deny.
You will all soon see, the truth in my eyes.

Smile on my face, the loving embrace....but instead I'll punch you in the face.
For a long time coming....I let you touch me....now that it's over bitch....You better start running.
Pent up inside....telling these lies....this has gone too far.....the world will soon die.

Only 1 more day. To feel this way. Tomorrow I smile....brings another day!

Back to myself. Nobody else. Fuck all this bullshit. I'm back to myself. Yes. Thank the fuck God.

Tila

Thankfully, it appears Miss Tequila’s wordcraft is, indeed healing. “Thunderfuck” as soon followed by “BACK TO SERENITY…”

BACK TO SERENITY...

A Million words, a million heartbeats.
My world once laid upon your feet.
The Sun is setting with beauty in the sky.
No more tears. My eyes are dry...

And, just three days ago, she hits a hopeful note with “CANDY SCENTED LOTION”:

CANDY SCENTED LOTION

Phone sex is the best, no need to stress!
Come on over later, let me take care of the rest.
Candy scented lotion, cocoa butter dreams...
Turn down the lights baby, I'm about to cream..

Whoever argued against the healing power of art needs to thunderfuck the hell off.
You gotta admit: "thunderfuck"! Kinda catchy.

[Gawker via Public School Intelligentsia]

Previously:
Tila Tequila, a Woman Scorned, Walks Off Her Own Reunion Show
Tila Tequila Shoots for Love, Gets Shot Down
Best Dressed at MTV Movie Awards: Tila Tequila?

Tila Tequila, a Woman Scorned, Walks Off Her Own Reunion Show

Ben Kallen — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:25:00 GMT

Last week we showed you the teary finale of A Shot at Love 2, when bisexual love-seeker Tila Tequila poured her heart out to "winner" Kristy, only to be rejected at the worst possible moment. Well, there were even more fireworks in Tuesday's reunion special, when the two argued, traded insults, and swore at each other like a couple of hot, busty sailors.

First, though, we caught up with poor runner-up Bo, who revealed that he was fired from his job as a high school football coach after appearing on the program. "That was just as hard as getting my heart broken by Tila," he said. Which, he added, was the emotional equivalent of “a head butt in the face.”

But the really good part came later, when the two would-be girlfriends faced off. Tila accused Kristy of being "fake" and leading her on, while Kristy complained that she wasn't given enough time with the feisty Internet star to be sure of her feelings. (Welcome to reality TV, babe.) As the talk became more and more acrimonious, Tila appeared to get fed up with the whole conversation. After delivering a highly quotable line -- "Shut your f***in' trash-hole, bitch!" -- she stormed off the set, leaving flummoxed host Ryan Stout to pick up the pieces.

Okay, so maybe the drama was more Jerry Springer than Noël Coward, but still, it was entertaining as hell. You can watch the thrilling conclusion here.

Image: MTV

Previously:
Tila Tequila Shoots for Love, Gets Shot Down

Tila Tequila Shoots for Love, Gets Shot Down

Ben Kallen — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 18:35:00 GMT

On Tuesday night's season finale of A Shot At Love 2 With Tila Tequila, MTV's double-gender dating show, our heroine had to choose between two finalists: Bo, a high school football coach who already considered her his "girlfriend," and Kristy, a beautiful blonde who wasn't quite sure about the whole bisexual thing. So what did Tila do? After apparently breaking Bo's heart (in that reality-TV way in which they're over it in a day or two), she offered her "key" to Kristy, who -- gasp! -- turned it down.

Now, we have to admit to having a soft spot in our hearts for Ms. Tequila. Out of all the skanky-dating-show stars out there, she seems to care most about her suitors, and appears to put some real emotional investment into what happens at the end. So it was disappointing to see her get rejected like that, even if Kristy did try to let her down easy with a version of "It's not you, it's me":

“You love that I’m honest and that I’m true to my feelings and true about who I am,” Kristy explained. “If I take this key, Tila, I’m not being true.”

“Why would you do that now?” Tila replied.

About which we say, good point -- it was kind of bad timing, wasn't it? Except for one thing: That's the way reality shows work. If you're going to get turned down, it has to be at the most humiliating time possible. As she's sure to learn once again when the inevitable A Shot at Love 3 gets going.

Meanwhile, Tila, if you need some cheering up, call us! We're in the book!

The sad, sad video can be seen here.

Photo: MTV

Previously:
Best Dressed at MTV Awards: Tila Tequila?

'The View' Crew Discusses Being 'Born Gay'

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 19:25:00 GMT

Why is Sherri Shepherd on The View?
Why is Sherri Shepherd on The View?
Why is Sherri Shepherd on television?

This morning The View co-hosts discussed whether people are "born gay," or not. We were surprised when Whoopi kicked Sherri’s ass, in terms of Biblical knowledge. Then again, Sherri did think the earth was flat…

Maybe they need to have Tila Tequila on, and the entire nation (not just California) will legalize gay marriage.

The Earth is…Flat?

Best Dressed at MTV Movie Awards: Tila Tequila?

Bryan Christian — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 20:06:00 GMT

So sez Jezebel, and from what we can tell, we're pretty much with them. But what do we know; we quit watching MTV awards shows when we started, er, having any self-respect or something. Hang on, Jessica Alba and her preggolicious body in that Mike Myers catering sketch don't count, right?