The Remote Island : True Blood

"True Blood": The Official New Season 2 Poster And Plotlines For The First 3 Episodes [PHOTO]

Jake Kalish — Thu, 14 May 2009 14:40:00 GMT

We may not be so pleased with True Blood, but it's not about us. Never forget that we're here for you - at least for these next two days, after which your humble correspondent will be here, serving only himself.

Check it out. And this thing we've had together has been fun, hasn't it? More fun than a show full of vampires...

June 14: “Nothing But the Blood”
A shocking murder outside Merlotte’s has Bon Temps reeling. Meanwhile, Sookie’s (Anna Paquin) relationship with Bill (Stephen Moyer) is tested when she learns about Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll), and of his involvement in her uncle’s death. Sam (Sam Trammell) recalls a shape-shifting encounter he had with Maryann (Michelle Forbes) as a 17-year-old. Jason (Ryan Kwanten) gets a sudden windfall that allows him to pay for a leadership retreat with the Fellowship of the Sun. Two adversaries find themselves sharing a mysterious dungeon and, possibly, the same fate.

June 21: “Keep This Party Going”
Sookie is forced to cope with Bill’s obligations to Jessica, as well as the romantic inconveniences the teen vampire’s presence creates. At the Light of Day leadership conference, Jason makes a favorable impression on its ambitious leaders, Steve (Michael McMillian) and Sarah Newlin (Anna Camp), though not on his jealous roommate Luke (Wes Brown). Maryann casts her spell on Merlotte’s patrons, and Sam proves helpless to stop the revelry.

June 28: “Scratches”
When Sookie is attacked by a mysterious creature, Bill must enlist Eric’s (Alexander Skarsgård) help to save her. At the Light of Day retreat, Jason has second thoughts about the sect’s anti-vampire agenda, but Sarah and Steve counter his doubts with flattery and promises. After snapping at Tara (Rutina Wesley) and new employee Daphne (Ashley Jones), Sam decides to cut and run. A bored Jessica heads over to Merlotte’s, where a smitten Hoyt (Jim Parrack) falls under her spell. At another Maryann-hosted party, Tara finds her attraction to Eggs (Mehcad Brooks) interrupted by a swirling, aphrodisiac fog.

Don't say we never did anything for you.

PREVIOUSLY:

"True Blood" Teaser Posters: Sexier The Second Time Around? [PHOTO]

Evan Rachel Wood Is Coming To "True Blood"

True Blood Spoilers: Sneak Peek Of Season 2 [VIDEO]

Evan Rachel Wood Is Coming To "True Blood"

Jake Kalish — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 15:22:00 GMT

She's well-qualified for this role, considering the extensive vampire experience one surely gets from dating Marilyn Manson...

This from Entertainment Weekly's Michael Ausiello:

Sources confirm to me exclusively that True Blood creator Alan Ball has tapped Evan Rachel Wood to play the pivotal role of Sophie-Anne, the vampire Queen of Louisiana!

Who dat, you ask? She's a 500-year-old vampire from France who is charming, wily, ruthless and wise...A True Blood insider tells me that Wood is booked for two episodes, both of which will air towards the end of the show's upcoming second season. But rest assured, if the show is renewed for a third season (and, please, it will be), Wood will be back.

We're pretty conflicted about True Blood - and just against that season finale - but this is a good get for Alan Ball's show. Now if Evan can only get her on-again boyfriend on the show, we'll really be psyched. He's already got the song.

PREVIOUSLY:

"True Blood" Spoilers: Sneak Peek Of Season 2 [VIDEO]

"True Blood" Teaser Posters: Sexier The Second Time Around? [PHOTO]

"True Blood" Wants "Blood Hookers" For Second Season (SPOILERS)

Life Imitates Art: Anna Paquin Dating Her "True Blood" Love Interest

The Five Worst Things About The "True Blood" Season Finale

True Blood Spoilers: Sneak Peak of Season 2 [VIDEO]

Lindy Parker — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:45:00 GMT

Here's the thing: We remain hopelessly conflicted about the second season of HBO's vampire drama, True Blood. We're still recovering from the mind-blowingly bad the season one finale, but we still can't quite let go of our hope that Alan Ball can turn this ship around and steer it to more awesome waters...

Previously:

True Blood Teaser Posters: Sexier The Second Time Around

True Blood Wants "Blood Hookers" For Second Season (SPOILERS)

The Five Worst Things About The True Blood Season Finale

True Blood Campaign Sucking All the Fun Out of Viral Videos

"True Blood" Teaser Posters: Sexier The Second Time Around? [PHOTO]

Lindy Parker — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 14:00:00 GMT

Remember the season one teaser posters that featured fictional ads for the synthetic blood compound favored by Louisiana's more civilized vampires? If you recall we found them a bit tedious and wished that HBO would give something a little sexier to get us psyched for True Blood's inaugural season. Thankfully, we've gotten our wish with the teaser poster for the second season -- but at this point, we're trying to decide if we still care. Also, the poster may be sexy, but we feel weird about its resemblance to the Twilight book covers...

Take a look...

See what we mean?

What do you think? Too close for comfort? Is the landscape of decent vampire dramas doomed to forever pimp the success of Twilight in order to attract viewers?

Previously:

True Blood Wants "Blood Hookers" For Second Season (SPOILERS)

The Five Worst Things About The True Blood Season Finale

True Blood Campaign Sucking All the Fun Out of Viral Videos

"Lost" Alum Latest Victim Of The Vampire Bubble?

Chenda Ngak — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 19:28:00 GMT

Remember natural disaster films and TV movies in the late 1990s? It wasn't a coincidence that Volcano: Fire on the Mountain -- the TV mini-series -- came out the same year as Volcano and Dante's Peak. Now Hollywood has moved on to darker, more bloodthirsty pastures... At least all the pretty boys are getting work.

Following the success of HBO's True Blood and the teen film sensation Twilight, we're not surprised that the absurdly beautiful Ian Somerhalder was cast as a vampire for ABC's The Vampire Diaries. Look at him, he's a natch! But how much is too much of a good-to-occasionally-mediocre thing? An article in The New York Observer points out that there are even more vampire projects in the pipeline.

Add this to the list that includes the just purchased script by Marc Haimes for Elevator Men, which The Hollywood Reporter's Jay A. Fernandez described as "a less romanticized look at the human-vampire interactions"; last week's U.K. release of the delicately named Lesbian Vampire Killers; and the soon-to-be released adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis' The Informers.

But wait, there's more. A lot more. How about Tim Burton and Johnny Depp's planned adaptation of Dark Shadows, which ran on TV from 1966 to 1971; the second season of HBO's True Blood (itself based on a series of novels by Charlaine Harris); and of course, New Moon, the highly anticipated (by your 15-year-old cousin) sequel to Twilight, which grossed $191,397,304 at the box office last year. (observer.com)

So is The Vampire Diaries too late? Or is it just filling a demographic void, sort of like how Volcano: Fire on the Mountain was made for people too cheap to pay for Dante's Peak? When will this vampire bubble burst? And how much shit are we going to get for using the term "vampire bubble"? [Ed.: Lots.]

Our initial reaction is to think that the vampire thing is played out, but do not underestimate the hormones of young teenage girls without HBO or a ride to the movie theater. We welcome Ian Somerhalder into our living rooms and hope that ABC lets a few steamy love scenes slide.

PREVIOUSLY:

"Criminal Minds" Jumps on The Vampire Bandwagon

"True Blood" Wants "Blood Hookers" For Second Season (SPOILERS)

Lindy Parker — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 20:23:00 GMT

Are "blood hookers" like "blood diamonds"? You know, you can't purchase them without a form certifying their ethical integrity? Regardless, it seems the good folks at HBO have put out their feelers to cast a number of guest roles for True Blood's second season. True Blood is kind of like that asshole ex-boyfriend that we've mostly broken up with, but still can't totally stay away from and/or occasionally cyber-stalk.

We may have claimed irreconcilable differences with the first season, but we can't help but be curious about the casting calls for season 2...

SPOILER ALERT!

Here's a couple of the roles we can expect to see cast in the upcoming season (Spoiler TV via io9.com)...

[HUGO] Early 30s to 40, a buttoned-down accountant or lawyer type, he is Isabel's human boyfriend. He is locked up with Sookie in the bomb shelter of the F.O.T.S. Church...GUEST STAR (3) WILL APPEAR IN TWO EPISODES. PLEASE SUBMIT CAUCASIAN ONLY.

[MIDDLE-AGED MAN] Seen in flashback, middle-aged, and drunk when we meet him, he and his beautiful companion are enjoying the music at a 1920s Art Deco House. He is shocked but intrigued by Lorena's invitation to enjoy the scandalous after-hours partying. Later, we watch as Lorena and Bill have their way with the terrified Middle-Aged Man...1 speech & 6 lines, 2 scenes (5)

[FEMALE HUMAN BLOOD HOOKER] This human blood hooker is allowing a clearly disinterested Eric to drink from her...4 lines, 1 scene sptv050769(1)

For the full list visit Spoiler TV.

Previously:

The Five Worst Things About The True Blood Finale

Life Imitates Art: Anna Paquin Dating Her True Blood Love Interest

Did True Blood Tank?

Life Imitates Art: Anna Paquin Dating Her "True Blood" Love Interest

Jake Kalish — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 16:00:00 GMT

Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are really lovers, just like on True Blood! But she's not really telepathic and he's not really a vampire. Or, at least, they're not admitting that yet. Stephen Moyer is, however, admitting to being crazy about Anna Paquin:

“It’s just exciting and that was there from day one,” Moyer says to TV Guide Magazine. “We always take the piss out of each other and are silly with each other and it is great. We’re very, very happy. She’s the best.”

The question is, what does this love between Paquin and Moyer symbolize? Are they both secretly gay?

PREVIOUSLY:

The Five Worst Things About The "True Blood" Season Finale

Sci-Fi Channel Celebrates "Moonlight" DVD Release

Lindy Parker — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 23:00:00 GMT

We think the lesson here is that it's never too late for a failed show to jump on the Twilight/True Blood-induced vampire-frenzy bandwagon. Seriously, it has to suck watching True Blood get nominated for Golden Globes, not to mention Twilight raking in the international millions and knowing that there but for a couple of months and a writer's strike go you. Not too worry, Moonlight creators, the full series is available for purchase today, so hopefully you can drown your sorrows in DVD sales.

Also, in honor of the vampire series that aired to soon, the Sci-Fi Channel is re-airing the whole series, one episode a week, starting this Friday, January 23.

Tracy Morgan Won Every Golden Globe Kate Winslet Didn't Get

Bryan Christian — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 15:43:00 GMT

OK, maybe not, but between Morgan's brilliant, rambling acceptance speech on behalf of 30 Rock -- "A black man can't get no love at the Emmys!" -- to Winslet's winning in two categories -- damn, dude, has anyone rocked ~~roots~~ highlights longer and better than her -- to Colin Farrell pulling what we would call the biggest upset of the evening -- Slumdog Millionaire be damned, In Bruges was a longer (though no less deserving) longshot -- we're almost sorry we didn't watch last night's Golden Globes.

Except of course, we're not; we tend to develop hives on our very souls midway through any awards show, no matter how drunk or Foreign Press-y. Also: 24 came back last night, and there was no way we were gonna DVR an awards show and watch it later. That's like reheating McDonald's.

Anyway, the television winners list is after the jump. Mostly what you'd expect, except for a win by Anna Paquin for True Blood, which... hang on, we didn't just actually type that, right?

(More on the Golden Globes later, btw... For now, click through for the full list of television winners.)

Winners denoted with "*"

TELEVISION SERIES - COMEDY OR MUSICAL

* "30 Rock"

"Californication"

"Entourage"

"The Office"

"Weeds"

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES -COMEDY OR MUSICAL

Christina Applegate - "Samantha Who?"

America Ferrera - "Ugly Betty"

* Tina Fey - "30 Rock"

Debra Messing - "The Starter Wife"

Mary-Louise Parker - "Weeds"

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES -COMEDY OR MUSICAL

* Alec Baldwin - "30 Rock"

Steve Carell - "The Office"

Kevin Connelly - "Entourage"

David Duchovny - "Californication"

Tony Shalhoub - "Monk"

TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

"Dexter" (Showtime)

"House" (Fox)

"In Treatment" (HBO)

* "Mad Men" (AMC)

"True Blood" (HBO)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

Sally Field — "Brothers and Sisters"

Mariska Hargitay — "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit"

January Jones — "Mad Men"

* Anna Paquin — "True Blood"

Kyra Sedgwick — "The Closer

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

* Gabriel Byrne — "In Treatment"

Michael Hall — "Dexter"

Jon Hamm — "Mad Men"

Hugh Laurie — "House"

Jonathan Rhys Meyers — "The Tudors"

MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

"A Raisin in the Sun"

"Bernard and Doris"

"Cranford"

* John Adams"

"Recount"

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Judi Dench — "Cranford"

Catherine Keener — "An American Crime"

* Laura Linney — "John Adams"

Shirley Maclaine — "Coco Chanel"

Susan Sarandon — "Bernard and Doris"

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Ralph Fiennes — "Bernard and Doris"

* Paul Giamatti — "John Adams"

Kevin Spacey — "Recount"

Kiefer Sutherland — "24: Redemption"

Tom Wilkinson –"Recount"

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Eileen Atkins — "Cranford"

* Laura Dern — "Recount"

Melissa George — "In Treatment"

Rachel Griffiths — "Brothers and Sisters"

Dianne Wiest — "In Treatment"

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Neil Patrick Harris — "How I Met Your Mother"

Denis Leary — "Recount"

Jeremy Piven — "Entourage"

Blair Underwood — "In Treatment"

* Tom Wilkinson — "John Adams"

Golden Globes: Hollywood Foreign Press Big Fans Of "True Blood", "In Treatment"?

Bryan Christian — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 16:49:00 GMT

Not sure we fully understand what's going on with today's list of Golden Globe noms. Big props for the nods to Dexter and Mad Men, particularly the Best Actress slot for January Jones -- whose superlative and subtle work, like Tricia Helfer's on Battlestar Galactica, is probably underappreciated because she's so damn hot. And, you know, all hail 30 Rock. But take a look at the rest of TV noms and ask yourself -- is that a line up of TV that you'd actually watch? (We know, we saw every episode of True Blood, yes; that doesn't mean we're happy about it.)

BTW: most phallic award ever?

Click through for the full list of nominations!

TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA

Dexter
House
In Treatment
Mad Men
True Blood

ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA

Sally Field, Brothers & Sisters
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
January Jones, Mad Men
Anna Paquin, True Blood
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer

ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA

Gabriel Byrne, In Treatment
Michael C. Hall, Dexter
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Hugh Laurie, House
Jonathan Rhys Meyers, The Tudors

TELEVISION SERIES, COMEDY OR MUSICAL

30 Rock
Californication
Entourage
The Office
Weeds

ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES, COMEDY OR MUSICAL

Christina Applegate, Samantha Who?
America Ferrera, Ugly Betty
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Debra Messing, The Starter Wife
Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds

ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES, COMEDY OR MUSICAL

Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Steve Carell, The Office
Kevin Connolly, Entourage
David Duchovny, Californication
Tony Shalhoub, Monk

MINISERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

A Raisin in the Sun
Bernard and Doris
Cranford
John Adams
Recount

ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Judi Dench, Cranford
Catherine Keener, An American Crime
Laura Linney, John Adams
Shirley MacLaine, Coco Chanel
Susan Sarandon, Bernard and Doris

ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Ralph Fiennes, Bernard and Doris
Paul Giamatti, John Adams
Kevin Spacey, Recount
Kiefer Sutherland, 24: Redemption
Tom Wilkinson, Recount

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINISERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Eileen Atkins, Cranford
Laura Dern, Recount
Melissa George, In Treatment
Rachel Griffiths, Brothers & Sisters
Dianne Wiest, In Treatment

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINISERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
Denis Leary, Recount
Jeremy Piven, Entourage
Blair Underwood, In Treatment
Tom Wilkinson, John Adams

The Five Worst Things About The "True Blood" Season Finale

Bryan Christian — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:29:00 GMT

OK, so, we quit recapping True Blood a few weeks back, as you might have noticed, because we were running out of ways to say "What the hell is going on with this show?" And yet, we still kept watching it, because we were a little wrapped up in the show already, and Nelsan Ellis is truly amazing in the very small role of Lafayette, and frankly we did kind of want to know who the killer was.

But now? Now that the first season is over, and the mystery is revealed, and every single character on the show (with the exception of -- surprise -- Lafayette) has wound up in a situation about which we could not give a shit if we snorted Metamucil and prunes... Well, now, we can safely say that we are never watching this misguided excuse for a chicken-fried Dark Shadows again, not even if our immortal souls depended on it. Fans of the show: maybe we'll hire someone who's into in time for Season Two -- but who knows. We might just have a special True Blood section of the job app from now on. "True Blood Season Finale: Fail or Epic Fail?"

So what was it about last night's episode that has so freed us from the curse set upon us by HBO and Alan Ball? Read on and find out.

1) IT TOOK FOREVER TO END
What was with dispensing with the killer halfway through the show -- and then doing all this godawful wrapup? We basically just got a chase between Sookie and [SPOILER!] Rene, and then that was over, and then, it was like Lord of the Rings or something: all this bleeding, endless "blah blah blah" and THEN a title card that said "Two Weeks Later"? And for what? What happened in that space of time that was so important, that couldn't have been shown happening in the space of just a few days? Nothing. FAIL.

2) BILL WALKING IN THE SUN WAS LAME AND DUMB
The guy just strolls out of the house into the daylight to save Sookie -- OK, sure. But aren't vamps supposed to be, like, superfast? At least, that's the impression we got when they jammed that special effect down our fucking throats every episode. And yet, here comes Bill, crisping in the afternoon sun and taking forever to get to the graveyard. He didn't even get a running start out of the house; he just stolled out like he was getting the paper. FAIL.

3) LAFAYETTE WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN VAMPED BY BILL? WHATEVER.
Oh, well there was one thing that "Two Weeks Later" was supposed to do for us: make us concerned for Lafayette, who was last seen getting chased by something behind Merlotte's -- on the same night that Bill came back from his walk in the sun. And then disappeared for a couple weeks. Hmmmmmm. Oh, sorry, we meant Snooooooze. OK, yes, we're a little worried about him, or would be if we ever planned on watching this show again. Mostly, we're worried that Nelsan Ellis has some sort of iron-clad contract that will never allow him to star in some other, less idiotic series. However, back to the matter at hand. May we point out that Bill Comton is supposed to be some sort of good guy, and we feel like although Stephen Moyer's tried real hard to make Bill work as an anguished, genuinely nice fella -- but not even he can make Bill go "Why yes, Sookie, I ate your friend" and make that work. And we're pretty sure this show wouldn't ask him to. Which is why we say that this is obviously a red herring, and a crummy one, and thanks Alan Ball, we'd forgotten that because stupid people like genre stuff you can treat us like we're stupid for watching your genre show that really isn't. FAIL.

4) WE DON'T CARE ABOUT WHATEVER JAM TARA'S GOTTEN HERSELF INTO WITH MICHELLE FORBES
Listen, we are impressed with Michelle Forbes for pulling together the resume she has. Just in the last year, she's been involved with not one but two of our favorite shows: Battlestar and Lost, winding up an integral part of some of both show's most excellent episodes. AND she was on Homicide! But whatever she's supposed to be here -- demon, shapeshifter, sister or old gf of Sam's, something something witch, blah blah blah der der der? We don't care. We just. Don't. Care. Why? Well, because Tara -- who's wrapped up in Forbes' storyline -- is a compulsively self-involved, self-destructive idiot with a lousy accent and no sense of fun, and whereas on a show like Six Feet Under that might be interesting because that's all that there is in the world, really, here -- in a world with vampires and shapeshifters -- people who make their own trouble are only good for getting gutted in grisly fashion. Otherwise, we just can't get worked up about that kind of crap. FAIL.

5) ANOTHER DEAD BODY IS NOT ENOUGH TO KEEP US COMING BACK. NOR IS ANY OF THE REST OF IT.
We're supposed to wait a whole other year to find out who it is that's found themselves dead in the back of Andy Bellefleur's car? No. That's not suspense; that's abuse. In a show like this, we're supposed to know who's dead, because then we care enough to come back. Yes, there are exceptions to this rule, like Lost's not revealing who was in that coffin at the end of season three. As we remember it, that finale gave us plenty bigger fish to fry. And this one gave us nothing. Nothing but some screaming idiots and a drunken loser and some dead gal in a car. And a guy going to church. And a shapeshifter stealing money from his own restaurant. And a vampire with the everliving equivalent of a teenager on his hands.

FAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

"True Blood": Marlena From "Cloverfield" Topless Now Second Unequivocably Good Thing About This Show

Bryan Christian — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 21:25:00 GMT

Took us till today to realize who that hippie chick was saving Jason's ass and then taking off her shirt -- it's was Lizzy Caplan, one of the cuties from JJ Abrams Godzilla/Blair Witch mashup Cloverfield. And you know what -- she is indeed better looking when the camera isn't shaking uncontrollably.

As for the rest of the show, well... we're still pretty unimpressed. Again, there's not nearly enough specificity with the genre material -- does Tara's mom actually have a demon in her or is she just a drunk?; do the vampires really operate in a hierarchy or not?; when to Christ will Sam were-out? -- and too much specificity on the stuff that we don't care about, like all the soap opera stuff about family secrets and addiction, not to mention the head movie about a drug that doesn't exist. We're supposed to care what tracers look like when you snort crumbled up blood? We didn't care about that Indian running around Jim Morrison's visions in The Doors, and dammit, acid is a real thing! That interesting people took!

Death Springs Eternal On "Entourage" And "True Blood"

Bryan Christian — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 21:39:00 GMT

Don't worry, Sookie. I'm sure that Ari will get Vince that deal anyway.

We're suspending our weekly recaps of Entourage and True Blood today -- or at least, heavily amending them -- because we couldn't help but notice how last night, in some interesting ways, they were both kind of the same.

On the one hand, you got Sookie anguishing over the loss of her murdered grandmother, her grief driving her into the bed (and fangs) of Bill. On the other, you got Ari, literally douching a powerful producer to death -- and, if next week's promos are to be believed, possibly going through a transformation of his own as a result.

Are we stretching? Maybe. Weren't there all those other things happening too? Like Drama hiring Turtle as his assistant only to have him quit and Tara and Sam-The-Jesus-Christ-Can-He-Please-Werewolf-Out-Now-Werewolf getting it on for real? But even Entourage's B-plot, concerning the return of Dom and the preciousness of his homelife, had a kind of touching quality. It made for a strangely synchronous hour and a half of tv watching.

We'd almost say that maybe someone at HBO's actually thinking about their body of work these days, asking how they all work with each other in weird ways the way they did at the turn of the century, when you'd hang out in Manhattan with Carrie Bradshaw and then literally cross a bridge out of the city with Tony Soprano.

But then Little Britain USA came and ruined the whole vibe. Ha ha. So never mind.

PREVIOUSLY:
Our True Blood Archive
Our Entourage Archive

"True Blood": Now With AIDSBurgers!

Bryan Christian — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:29:00 GMT

"I'll have mine rare!"

True Blood brought it last night, giving us an ep that was by turns pulpy, sweeping, scary, goofy, and (in the end) tragically bloody. Which is all we've ever wanted from this show, dammit! Enough with the transparent metaphors, goddamnit. Get to the hardcore tragedy and the big dudes screaming about AIDS-burgers!

Things started out promisingly, with Sookie breaking up with Bill after he messed around with that cop. Thank God for that, we've had up to here with their mush. Oh, hang on -- not five minutes later, Sookie's going on a date with Sam The Not A Werewolf At All Guy. And since he's totally in love with her, we're guessing there's still gonna be some mush on this show still. Drat!

In less humdrum love news, Jason found out that the reason Tara's been covering for him, and true to what we suspect about him, her being in love with him comes as a total shock. So much so that he decides to drop some V with Lafayette. No, we don't really get that either.

So, by the time the whole town's gathering at the church to hear Bill talk about his neverending life of the dead, we've got a set-up for a serious throwdown: Tara clawing Sookie's eyes out for messing with her recent fuckbuddy Sam; Tara giving Jason a beatdown for showing up high, even though he's giving her goo-goo eyes now; Sam and Bill going at it because of all the misunderstandings their people have had on the Universal lot; and then a bunch of rednecks and Bill because, you know, injustice.

Except when Bill takes the stage, it's kind of entrancing -- first, because we finally get why he talks that way (he's from the olden times!) and second, because the story he tells, detailing his turning into a vampire, is gripping and sad -- so we forget all about all those pesky plotlines for a while. Turns out he got took during the War of Southern Independence, which is what Southerners call The Civil War if they kind of wish it were still going on. The transformation took place after Bill took refuge in a house and nearly got seduced by a lonely wife. We thought for sure the husband would come home and exact a devilish revenge, but oh no -- sisters are doing it for themselves, and this one seems especially mean. We were starting to think of Bill as pretty wooden, but darned if he doesn't have a little gravity now that we've met his crazy ex.

You know who else has gravity? Lafayette, who gets some food sent back to him at Merlotte's by those rednecks from the church, who claim to have not ordered "AIDSburgers." Before we can start to wonder whether the show is actually introducing yet another fake blood-based treat, oh, no, says Lafayette gloriously, hysterically; everything they've ever eaten probably had some gay power behind it, so basically everything they've ever eaten had AIDS on it, and he dumps their food in their laps. Wanh-wanh-wanh-waaaaaanh. Seriously: why is this show not about Lafayette again? Everything he says is amazing, even when it isn't. He's like Mickey Rourke in Diner or something -- everyone else is good, but holy shit, that guy's in a whole other universe.

Of course, there doesn't seem to be anything close to a happy ending in Bon Temps, LA, so at the end of the episode, two seemingly happy turns are rent asunder, as Tara catches Jason doggiestyling a ditzy divorcee -- and Sookie finds her grandma, so recently overjoyed with bringing Bill to speak to the town, slashed up on the kitchen floor. What good's being a psychic when you can't see that one coming?

PREVIOUSLY:
"True Blood": Don't Fear The Weiner
"True Blood": Is There Anybody Who Ain't Fucking Vampires These Days?

Wake Up And Smile: Katie Holmes Finally Discovers The Nadir Of Her Career

Bryan Christian — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:25:00 GMT

Yes, that's Joey Potter up there. What crummy hour-long drama got her to dress up like, um, what... Gwen Verdon playing Ava Gardner? Playing a drag queen? Click through for the answer -- plus news on How I Met Your Mother, Chuck, Meet The Press, Friday Night Lights' Gaius Charles, and that wicked "vampire Bush" picture that was behind the bar on True Blood Sunday.

-- Eli Stone, everyone! Eli Stone has dressed up Katie Holmes as some sort of ridiculous glamourjoke and undoubtedly given her something embarassing to say. Hooray for everyone! Would you like a stress test?

-- Tom Brokaw will still leave Meet The Press sometime following the election, which we knew, leaving Tim Russert's chair to be filled permanently by NBC's Political Director Chuck Todd and White House reporter David Gregory, which we basically also knew. What we couldn't have guessed is how silver-tongued Brokaw could be in talking around the many embarrassments that Keith Olbermann caused NBC/MSNBC this election year. Work that liquid L, Tommy.

-- Monday night was a ratings wash, with How I Met Your Mother, Terminator, Life, and Worst Week all suffering declines from last week or last year. Not even Josh Schwartz, whose creation Gossip Girl actually gained viewers, can claim a victory for the night; he also created Chuck, which is currently scheduled at the same time, and whichsaw its second season premiere fall 27% from its pilot.

-- Hey, a link to that excellent Village Voice cover that turned up in True Blood's Fangtasia last Sunday

-- Friday Night Lights star Gaius Charles (adorably) covers the Austin City Limits festival for Entertainment Weekly and fails to engineer a meeting between himself and Erykah Badu. We like how he just kinda "ran into" Minka Kelly, something we never seem able to do when we are back in the River City.

"True Blood": Don't Fear The Weiner

Bryan Christian — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 22:00:00 GMT

Lots of stuff happened last night on True Blood, and by a lot, we actually mean not so much. A plot summary would go like this:

"Jason got a superboner from v-juice. Sookie went to a v-bar."

And on the whole, we were v. underwhelmed.

First: the boner. Lots of made of the boner being big and painful and maybe emitting weird goops and possibly getting Jason in more dutch with the law than he already is. And then, not only did none of that happen, but also, we didn't see the boner. Which, sorry Alan Ball, you're lying to yourself if you think there's a way to stay classy and have your plot revolve around a terrifying hard-on. We deserved to see the thing!

And as for Sookie's trip to Fangtasia (yeah), well, Gabe over at Videogum has had much to say on this point worth reading -- and roughly mirroring our own views, as faithful readers will note -- except that he doesn't come out and say what we did last week -- that Alan Ball is *only* interested in vampires inasmuch as they are a metaphor for anything else -- and now that this has been established sans doute, we'll see that and raise it: that Alan Ball's apparent dilettantism with all things vampiric is officially hurting this show. A goth-disco version of "Don't Fear The Reaper" isn't vampiric in the slightest, Mr. Ball; it's mostly just gay, and we don't care how much bloody sperm you throw at us, dude: if you can screw up the sexiest man in Sweden as a vampire -- seriously people, what a douche -- you are not earning your paycheck.

PREVIOUSLY:
True Blood": Is There Anybody Who Ain't Fucking Vampires These Days?
Married... With Television: "True Blood" Edition

"True Blood": Is There Anybody Who Ain't Fucking Vampires These Days?

Bryan Christian — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 14:31:00 GMT

Yet again a lot of yapping on True Blood this week, but the final 15 minutes of last night's episode were punchy and funny enough to keep us coming back, despite all the clunky and repetitive exposition. ("Don't ever sneak up on a vampire!" Puuuhhhhleeezzzze.) So a mixed bag -- but we think we've figured out the best way to improve this somewhat unfocused show: make it all about Lafayette.

The Creepshow vibe that we liked so much in the pilot came back a bit this week, with Sookie being menaced by d-bag redneck vampires in the opening scene and finding her coworker Dawn dead in the final one, but all in all this ep had sex on its mind way more than monsters. Tara and Sam -- who are having a pretty awful time of it, what with her being in love with Jason and having a crazy drunk mom that wants to kill her and him being in love with Sookie and not hiding his lycanthropy to Jesus Christ ANYBODY with half an eyeball -- decided to let off some steam by getting it on, which was a development that we liked because, well, reminded us of college. Jason and Dawn continued their purely physical thing as well, though it seems unlikely that they'll continue what with him not being able to keep it (yeah, *it*) due to his growing vampire obsession and her being dead now and all. (Second gal to get humped by Jason and buy the farm, huh...)

And then of course there's Sookie, who basically spent her time this week dreaming of having sex with Bill and touching herself. Apparently the fact that she's a virgin makes her that much more delicious a prospect to Bill's sleazy vampire pals, which makes us think that they should just get to the fangbanging as a precautionary measure, right? Sure. Still, we're not expecting that to happen till at least the end of the season, particularly if Bill keeps yapping about all this vampire shit and how he wants to kind of go straight and blah blah blah. We'd sort of hoped that what with Anne Rice leaving New Orleans and all that there'd be a little less of this vibe in True Blood. Alas.

The best thing about this week without a doubt was that we got to spend a bit of time with Lafayette, who we realized was that cousin of Tara's that went with her to that party last week -- not sure why we missed that, other than it's sort of unbelievable how much his guy gets around -- and who we learned this week is, in addition to being a short order cook and a road crew member, also a drug dealer and occasional escort. (See what we mean?) So, when Tara had to flee from her drunken mom's crazed, abusive behavior, she went to his place to crash and smoke a little herb, pausing only long enough to say 'hey' to the congressman on his way out the front door. And when Jason decided that he'd had enough of his little fang not extending and Dawn kicking him out of her bed, he went to Lafayette's place to pick up a little v-juice -- and wound up gyrating in his underpants on video as a down payment. All the while Nelsan Ellis, the truly gifted actor who plays Lafayette, was tossing zingers and finessing language with skills that not even Little-Miss-Oscar-Winner has yet matched. (Also, he used the word "looka", as in a Creole version of "lookie here," which made our New Orleans-born wife giddy.)

We're starting to think this show is a mess -- too much yammering about obvious plot complications and the supernatural, a lot of red herrings, and not enough actual drama -- and it's tempting to say that it reminds us of Six Feet Under, with its spastic fits of oversharing and violence mixed with hours of navelgazing, the starts and stops of raw emotion that characterized that show. But in fact, what we were reminded of last night was creator Alan Ball's 1998 film American Beauty, which may have seemed like a daring social drama when it was released but now -- with its rat-a-tat insult gags, too-square suburban setting, and pat (if depressing) moral core -- plays like an overarticulate, not terribly funny sitcom episode. Which is what it is; Ball had just spent years toiling in comedy writing rooms, and the contempt that he felt for that style of storytelling was palpable. Ball's doing something similar here -- working with generic conventions familiar to many -- but his footing is far less sure in the world of vampires (and possibly the South) than in the world of wacky neighbors, and we suspect that he's more enamored of the vampire-as-metaphor than vampire-as-vampire. Which is too bad, because his cast isn't quite up to making up for his disinterest. Except for Ellis, of course, who we suspect could convince us to take our clothes off on a webcam too. As long as he's onscreen, True Blood is a living, breathing thing; when he's away, it's like the living dead, going through the motions.

but what Ellis is doing with his role should not be missed.

Wake Up And Smile: "That's What She Said" Edition

Bryan Christian — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 13:30:00 GMT

-- What is a "Clois"? Why, it's what Smallville fans refer to as the whole "Lois and Clark" dynamic so they don't have to actually say "Lois and Clark." Because no one likes being reminded of Dean Cain. (That's what she said!)

-- HBO renews True Blood for another season after only two episodes, mixed reviews, and middling ratings, while House and Fringe proved to be a solid team Tuesday night, with House delivering 14.4 million viewers -- and Fringe retaining 93% of them. (That's what... huh?)

-- Speaking of House, if you thought it was hot that Jennifer Morrison-and/or-Spencer was up for a threeway with House and Cuddy, often bi-playing hottie Olivia Wilde sounds like she might be open with getting it on with Lisa Edelstein too. (Wait, she said that?)

-- Last weekend's SNL season premiere and and a writers panel yesterday prompts Defamer to ask an interesting question: has Saturday Night Live quit the business of producing biting political satire by trying to remain impartial? Or to put it another way: do they care too much whether Sarah Palin liked their Tina Fey sketch or not? (Cause that is what she said!)

-- Paris Hilton's been giving interviews about her new reality show, claiming that over 300,000 people tried to become her New BFF. Guess when it comes to lies, she likes 'em big and hard to swallow. (Oh, that's too easy.)

The Weekly Rewind: Floating in a Sea of Television

Ben Kallen — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 21:35:00 GMT

The new TV season is here, and so far it's going pretty well. None of the new shows have bowled us over yet, but that's okay, because we still have other things on our minds... such as politics, and stars' naked booties. Let's remember it all fondly with the highlights of the week.

We gawked at the stars on the Video Music Awards, and examined what they were wearing. But we were glad host Russell Brand didn't offer Britney a drink.

We saw far more than we should have of Julianna Margulies and Jessica Simpson. But Pam Anderson? We've seen it all before.

We watched Kanye West get arrested at the airport, apparently for carrying more than an ounce of toothpaste.

We heard that a fellow critic whacked ailing legend Roger Ebert at a movie screening, even though it wasn't Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.

We saw Gossip Girl uglify Blake Lively using nothing but a bad camera angle and a strawberry. But the wholesome kids of 90210 almost gave us sugar shock, even though there was a hint of bitterness.

We watched Barack Obama on Letterman, then we all blabbed about Sarah Palin going up against Charlie Gibson, and it made us about as happy as a pig in... well, never mind. But in more important political news, we got a clue about whether or not Tina Fey will return to Saturday Night Live.

We thought the "vamp walks into a bar" drama True Blood was cool, though not entirely original. We thought the "agent walks into a conspiracy" drama Fringe was pretty good as well. Not that you'd know it from the ratings.

We learned that rock star Shirley Manson is a shape-shifting Terminator. (Of course, Marilyn Manson is Kevin from The Wonder Years.)

We saw Entourage's Vinnie Chase trade a sex romp on the beach in Mexico for meeting interruptus back in Hollywood, and it was as fun as ever -- for us and, especially, for him.

We heard that the new season of 24 and the first season of Dollhouse were temporarily shutting down production due to "minor" script problems. Which is like a doctor telling you you'll have to undergo "minor" surgery.

...And we got terrible news about Paris Hilton.

Previously:
The Weekly Rewind: We're All Just a Bunch of Gossip Girls

Married... With Television: "True Blood" Edition

Bryan Christian — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 21:29:00 GMT

As you may remember, we were big fans of HBO's new vampire series True Blood. (Actually, the other day, we figured out why: it kinda reminds us of Creepshow!) But not that many people watched its pilot, so the question becomes: will its audience grow or will it sink into the bayou the way John From Cincinnatti fell silently into the surf?

To help us answer this question, we've consulted some of the smartest people we know: a couple of newlyweds, both of whom are dramatists of some sort or another, and both of whom are becoming reacquainted with TV for the first time in a long while right as they're going through their first year of marriage. They are K & J, they are Married... With Television, and the questions before them are: Will they continue to watch True Blood? and Will it tear their marriage apart?

(The answer to the latter is most likely "No," even though they do get into a wee dustup while watching it, but, you know... we wanted our intro to end on something dramatic.)

K (the male): I didn't go for it. Bad performances and bad bayou accents all around -- except for the lovely Anna Paquin.
J (the female): I totes went for it. I can't remember the last episode of anything during which I didn't multitask. But I went so far as to yell at K, who had to make a phone call in the middle of the show. A business call! After 8 minutes (yes, I counted), I’d had enough and demanded he get off his call so we could watch the rest.
K: J looked at me like I was a vampire when I finished my call. Should have just let her watch the rest without me.
J: We fought, I stormed out of the room, and then I STILL came back to finish the episode, which we finished in a tense silence. I still liked the show.
K: Sometimes the writing was last-few-seasons-of-Six-Feet-Under bad.
J: Completely. The writing was bad. The kinda stereotypical backwoods, Louisiana trash, hick dialogue should have sent me reeling. And yet, at one point Sookie Stackhouse said something like, "Lordy loo, Sunny May" to a vampire -- well not that but something like that -- and instead of hating it, I found it adorable. She's adorable. Is she the whole reason I liked the show?
K: Yes. The most compelling thing about the show was not the fangs on the vampires but the gap between Anna Paquin's teeth.
J: The only thing I found more captivating was the excellent bra she wore. I'm sure she's naturally perky, but they were beautifully up and out under that skin tight white T. I will tune in again for Anna. We'll see how long that lasts. I tune into Weeds for Mary-Louise Parker, but she has staying power for me. Will I crush as hard on Anna Paquin?
K: No. Not even Anna's cuteness can overcome writing and direction this bad. I vote no.
J: I vote yes. Cuteness always wins for at least two episodes, right? * (Is it weird that I'm the one in this relationship with the girl crushes?)

*We just want to note that this is probably the most incisive observation on television ever published on this blog.

PREVIOUSLY:
Did "True Blood" Tank?
"True Blood": HBO Gets A Cool Adult Comic Book Show After All
Top Ten New Shows: #2 - "True Blood"

"Fringe" Scores Meh Ratings While "90210" Viewership Drops

Bryan Christian — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 14:34:00 GMT

If you'd have said to us last week that 90210's numbers would drop by 30 percent in Week 2, we'd have said "Sure." It had a ton of hype, got some of the best numbers the CW ever had -- and that couldn't happen every week.

But we'd have fer sure thought that Fringe would have done a little better than "the best non-after-Idol premiere ratings for Fox since, um, Standoff." What does that even mean?

So, taking True Blood's equally, um, mellow opening into account, we gotta know: is there gonna be a big hour-long drama hit this year AT ALL?

PREVIOUSLY
Did "True Blood" Tank?

Did "True Blood" Tank?

Ben Kallen — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 21:25:00 GMT

Fans of True Blood may want to start worrying. With 1.44 million viewers, the premiere of HBO's Louisiana vampire drama had half the viewership of the first episode of John From Cincinnati on the network a year ago. (Of course, that one followed the finale of The Sopranos.)

On the other hand, it's still a little more than watched the premiere of HBO's Generation Kill.

Meanwhile, creator Alan Ball says he tries not to think about ratings anyway. "My job is to do the best type of show I know how to do, and let other people worry about what it's going to do for HBO."

Previously:
True Blood: HBO Gets a Cool Adult Comic Book Show After All
True Blood: A Haiku Review

"True Blood": A Haiku Review

Ben Kallen — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 17:25:00 GMT

Gothic sex and scares,

A gawky vampire saver --

Swamp-fried Stephen King.

Image: HBO

Previously:
True Blood: HBO Gets a Cool Adult Comic Book Show After All
90210: A Haiku Review
Raising the Bar: A Haiku Review

"True Blood": HBO Gets A Cool Adult Comic Book Show After All

Bryan Christian — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 14:32:00 GMT

Hey, remember all that a few weeks back about how we were wondering why HBO didn't just adapt a comic from their sister company DC Comics into a pulpy adult treat? Turns out they had one in the works, after all; they just based it on some pulpy novels instead!

That's right, y'all: HBO got a little of their mojo last night with the premiere of their new vampire show True Blood, which was by turns funny, foxy, frightening, um, freaky, and, ffffffff.... uh... um... let's just get to the astonishingly overlong recap -- but first, a peek at the opening credits -- which we think are just as good those for True Blood creator Alan Ball's other show, Six Feet Under.

We begin with a horny drunk couple, driving down the road and -- mid-handjob -- spying a convenience store that serves Tru Blood, which HBO hopes you already know is that crazy new Japanese synthetic blood drink that comes in six packs. (Guess Pocari Sweat wasn't weird enough for them.) Anyway, if you're not throughly familiar with the whole "vampires come in fro the cold" scenario, they've got Bill Maher on the telly to clue us in a little. (Synergastic!) Anyway, the drunk kids come in and ask if, since they got True Blood, they get a lot of vampires in the place. In a deep Transylvanian accent, the cashier says they do and menaces them omniously -- and then laughs and -- in a Redneckian accent -- telling them it was all a goof. Well, the bear-type in the back doesn't think it's so funny a joke, particuarly after the drunk guys asks the cashier if he knows anyway they can get some vampire blood, which is apparently like a narcotic, so with his gimme cap on and his sixer of Tru Blood in his hand and a couple of switchblade canines set to "erect," he scares the kids out of the place and warns the cashier if he ever does it again, he'll kill him. You could kinda see the joke coming, right, but still -- pretty good cold open.

And bam, the credits. Nice, right? One of our favorite parts was when they mentioned both William Sanderson and Chris Bauer! Hooray for HBO and their phenomenal retention policy!

Back to the action. And here she is: Sookie Stackhouse (played by Anna Paquin), a pixieish waitress for the Bon Temps, Louisiana diner called Merlotte's that's having a hard time keeping her mind on her job. This is largely because she's got other people's minds to deal with -- she's psychic, and has a hard time hearing people's orders over all their pervy, banal thoughts flooding her own. If you've seen Wings of Desire, it's sort of like th angels listening to humans, except grody.

Meanwhile, in a SuperSavaBunch (which let's be honest, isn't as good a name for a WalMart knockoff as MegaLoMart; let's step it up, people!) Tara, a sassy gal who we're soon to learn is Sookie's best and oldest friend (who we are currently learning doesn't have a very good handle on her Southern accent) is quitting her job in a huff. Nothing vampy here; she just insults a customer, bails, and tells Sookie she's on her way to Merlotte's for a drink. So, you know, she's SASSY!!! and stuff.

Back at Merlotte's, Sookie's waiting on a skeevy couple of junkie types, the Rattrays. She wants onion rings, he wants a bj. Sookie puts in the order -- and we meet the first character we love -- Lafayette, the chef at Merlotte's, who's also SASSY!!! but he's SASSY!!! and GAY!!! and so maybe he's got more to work with than Tara. (Oh, they're also the two African-American characters, which we'd talk about but, um, we don't know what to say about it except we hope that Benson doesn't show up. Moving on.) In the two scenes that Lafayette's in in this episode, the rhythms of the dialogue devolve into weird, overlapping Altman-esque exchanges, and we eat it up. This convo's all about sex, and by the end, he's got them all in a big sexy SASSY fit, and us too, so boy crush all around everyone!

Cut to a guy and a gal getting it on. This guy, it turns out, is Sookie's brother Jason. You don't know that now, but we'll spoil it for you since, well, we're in the spoiler zone now. Anyways, while he's going down on her, he notices a couple of puncture marks on her thighs. The girl -- who it turns out is named Maudette; more on her later -- tells him about this time she had sex with a vampire (after going to a vampire park at night -- nice touch), and how once was enough even if she got a thousand bucks for it. And they're both turned on talking about it, which gets even worse when she mentions that she's got the whole thing on tape. It's a testament to how with this show we are that we totally wanna see too!

So, back at Merlotte's Sookie's starting to be bummed about her night and she confides in Sam, the owner, who's young and kind of hunky and obviously has a thing for her. And then a hunk vampire comes in, and Sookie turns to watch him and it's like just the two of them in the world. So if you were wondering whether you could expect a love triangle on this show, well, wonder no more. Sookie goes over to him and he asks for some Tru Blood. Sookie apologizes for their not having any buy saying "You're our first!" Which is funny, because just as in the opening scene, we felt a little sorry for the vamp whose having his own blood sold for thrills in front of him, we're feeling sorry for this vampire -- named Bill, incidentally -- for being so much an outsider. Sweetly, and intensely, Bill asks for a glass of red wine "so I got a reason to be here." Suddenly the creepy couple from before burst into the conversation, clearly intrigued by having a vampire sitting next to them.

Back to the sex -- the tape is way weird, with her cuffed up and a tattooed vampire rutting on her from behind, his bones and body shifting and sliding into weird configurations, his demeanor getting angrier. Jason's a little freaked out by it, but clearly turned on; also, he's getting what appears to be the blowjob of his life.

Tara's at the bar by now, which we might have forgotten to mention, and she's trying to tell Sookie to stay away from the vampire out there. Sam agrees, but Sookie won't have any of it, and goes to serve him his wine -- when she overhears the Rattray's thoughts: they're gonna bleed him for the narcotic effect. Sookie tries to figure out what to do, but they disappear before she can help in anyway.

A quick jump to the sex scene again, which is getting even freakier: Jason's doing Maudette the same way she was getting done before, and taunting her as he pumps. "You let a dead man fuck you?," he asks, his hands edging uneasily for Maudette's neck... Oh, did we mention that it's all being taped as well?

(Yes, the tension does seem to be mounting...)

Out at Merlotte's, the Rattray's have Bill laid out on the ground with thin chains. We were thinking they must have been rosaries at first, but they're just silver. Anyway, they got poor Bill on his back and are draining him. Turns out this unsavory couple are addicts of vampire blood and looking for a fix. Sookie, having burst out of the restaurant to see what was happening, jumps into the scene, grabs a big chain, and tosses it right onto Mac Rattray's neck, choking him. Denise pulls a knife, but after a brief scuffle the fight ends with the Rattrays hustling to their car, bickering all the way.

Sookie bends over Bill and removes the chains, which hiss as they're pulled off of him. Then a dog jumps up and kisses all over her. Apparently he's always hanging around the restaurant, this dog, which is all very weird and totally staged like a postcard, or perhaps a PLOT ELEMENT!!! Which normally we'd be a little annoyed by, but since this is a monster show, and this raises the possibility of WEREWOLVES!!! we are a little excited. "I reckon you're not too happy about being rescued by a woman," notes Sookie, and clutches Bill close to her to try and read his mind. And she can't, which tickles her. Will they kiss? No, apparently not; he tells her his name, which he hadn't yet -- Bill -- and this cracks her up. Which we also love, because it's sort of rude again, bringing up the awkwardness of the scenario. He asks her to not mention his weaknesses, warns her that vampires turn on the ones they like, and extracts from her (without trying) the nugget that she's a virgin(!). EXPOSITION!!!

Inside, Tara gets a job at Merlotte's and Jason -- presumably not-so-fresh from his encounter with Maudette -- bounds into the bar. Tara's hot for him; he's hot for Dawn, the hottest of the Merlotte's waitstaff, with whom he's apparently hooked up a few times. He tries to get a date out of her, much to Tara's chagrin, but she won't bite. He's looking for his sister, but she's already left for home. Apparently, they both live with their grandma, who's very interested to hear about the vampire that came into the restaurant.

Later that evening, Sookie has a dream (this is somewhat obvs) where she thinks she's gonna have sex with Bill, but in fact he's taking off his shirt to tear into her in a more, um, dental fashion. She wakes with a a start -- and it's a pretty predictable scene, yeah, but we love that the very next shot we get is of Sookie sunning herself in her lawn, a subtle reminder of the safety and warmth that daylight would provide in this world. Jason shows up for lunch and they bicker a little about Sookie's night, but Grandma takes them inside to eat. After some playful exchanges, Grandma gets a call -- Maudette's been found murdered. Jason gets a little cagey about it, and about vampires, and hookers, and we learn the first of what we hope are many cool vampire words: fangbanger. Which is exactly what it sounds like. Yay! Anyway, Sookie gets suspicious of her brother and tries to read his mind but gets angry and runs back to work... where after attempting to get another date with Dawn via phone, the cops arrive in the form of Chris Bauer and William Sanderson, and we are ecstatic! They're such great actors -- Bauer in particular, who's doing a little more work we imagine than Sanderson; his Northeastern accent is all kinds of gone. "How would you characterize the sex," he asks, in a great indignant Louisianan drawl. YAY!!! Jason totally flubs the interview and they bring him in for questioning.

Back at Sookie's, Grandma wants to know if Bill would remember the war -- that being the Civil War -- and back at Merlotte's Lafayette and Tara get SASSY!!! again. Lafayette wins this round, tossing asides like they were Mardi Gras beads, knowing half the fun is in seeing who catches them. Lafayette was also working out at the roadwork site, and has to tell Sookie that her brother got pinched. Someone asks if Sookie didn't already know, and she gets apoplectic. "I'm not psychic!" she hollers. Guess this is not a huge secret around here, huh?

And right when Sookie's starting to have a really bad day, Bill shows up again. Sookie goes to him, and instead of getting his order, she sits down with him. "Your hand is cold" she notes, and he apologizes. "What are you," he asks again. "I'm a waitress," she says. "No, you're something more than that," he says; "Something more than human." So THAT'S where the Rob Zombie came from in the promos! THey notice that everyone in the place is looking at them -- and she can even hear most of their concerned/disgusted thoughts -- so it's clear this encounter has to end soon. She asks him to meet her after work -- to ask him to talk about the war with her grandma, of course -- and he goes.

Sam and Tara both take her in the back and freak out on her, telling her she can't get wrapped up with a vamp, and Sookie hears in their thoughts their motivations: Sam, because he likes her, and Tara because she reminds her of his brother, who she has a thing for after years of being ignored by him. The mind reading takes a little while longer than one might expect, leaving Anna Paquin to hang around and act like she's actually hearing words, which looks a little weird. Maybe in a show where the vampires are all sped up, they could speed up the mindreading a little too?.

Closing time, and Sam offers to wait with Sookie until Bill shows up. She says thanks, but no. Sam leaves, and she hears a sound -- it's the Rattray's, and tvery quickly they get her on the ground and beat her senseless. In lots of other shows, this would be the part where Bill jumps in and gets heroic. Here we just get the end credit roll -- and a hunger to see next week's ep.

PREVIOUSLY
Top Ten New Shows: #2 - "True Blood"

Top Ten New Shows: #2 - "True Blood"

Bryan Christian — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 18:30:00 GMT

The new fall season is almost here. Starting next week, the cable and broadcast networks will begin rolling out their new shows to see if they take off like castaways on an island or singing casino managers. Here, then, are the top ten new shows we're most looking forward to seeing.

Loyal readers will know that we've been skeptical of HBO's original programming department the last few months. But we hope you understand: we'd really like for them to get back on track. Is True Blood gonna get 'em there? We think maybe. If we were to line up our favorite HBO dramas -- Sopranos, Deadwood, The Wire – we'd say that the most important thing they share in common isn't crime or profanity. It's their obsession with how criminals and outlaws mangle and subvert the language. Remember all those half-finished jokes on the corners and in the squad cars of Baltimore, or those misheard references marblemouthed by agitated Jersey hoods? There's an angry intelligence behind those gags, one that wants to know what makes you so smart that you talk like a normal person, huh? We love that, and it something that's been sorely missing from the HBO lineup of late.

Which leads us back to True Blood, a series that not only promises some kick-ass vampire effects and a showrunner who was responsible for assembling one of the finest and most surprising acting ensembles of the decade – but also holds the slim possibility that vampires will become the next subculture we find ourselves obsessed with every Sunday night. As fans of the "Southern Vampire" novels will already know, in the world of True Blood, many vampires are basically trying to go straight, living publicly in the world and surviving on a Japanese-produced synthetic blood substitute – and occasionally being hunted for their own blood, which produces narcotic effects when ingested by humans. That's a complicated setup, playing on what we know about junkies, criminals, and any number of other subcultures. We got high hopes that their take on the culture clash between humans and the undead comes with plenty of blood, sure... but maybe it's own juicy patois to boot.

True Blood (Sundays at 9PM EST) premieres Sunday, September 9th at 9:00 PM EST on HBO

TOP TEN NEW SHOWS 2008

#1. "Fringe"
#2. "True Blood"
#3. "90210"
#4. "Life On Mars"
#5. "The Mentalist"
#6. "Sons of Anarchy"
#7. "Do Not Disturb"
#8. "Eleventh Hour"
#9. "Kath & Kim"
#10. "Knight Rider"

Salon Sez "True Blood" Might Be Pretty Good

Bryan Christian — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 14:33:00 GMT

Salon's Heather Havrilesky has seen a few episodes of True Blood, HBO and Alan Ball's new Southern fried vampire drama. And she's got good things to say about it. Also, she's apparently been snacking on mescaline while on hold with the phone company.

In other words, AT&T not only hires hot-tempered vampires to handle its phone lines, AT&T not only colludes with companies run by hot-tempered vampires, but AT&T itself is run by hot-tempered vampires -- which explains why the corporate behemoth aided the president in his nefarious eavesdropping activities. But look, don't get rid of your land line, because even though the hot-tempered vampires at the FDA keep assuring us that cellphones are safe, international studies have correlated excessive cellphone use with brain tumors, something we might've known a decade ago, if not for the hot-tempered vampire CEOs of most of our large corporations and the hot-tempered vampire lobbyists who work for them and the hot-tempered vampires taking over the House and the Senate as we speak.

Um, HUUUUUUHHHHH?

But even though the second episode of the season isn't structured very well, with lots of rambling talk about nothing, even though the show lacks the tightness and the natural momentum of "Six Feet Under" (and the weight and the intensity, for that matter), "True Blood" is still odd, unpredictable and off-kilter. And while the same might've been said for the ill-fated, rambling David Milch experiment "John From Cincinnati," the difference is that at the end of each episode of "True Blood," I want to see what happens next. Sookie and Bill are both good characters, and the setting and the story are both original and unfamiliar.

Oh, OK, thanks, Heather. Don't leave the house until you get some sleep.

"True Blood": Now THIS is More Like It

Bryan Christian — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 14:26:00 GMT

Dig this excellent new poster for HBO's True Blood, the vampire drama whose viral campaign makes us angry and bored in equal parts -- but whose tart print campaign may, in fact, keep us from losing all interest. See, this is good campaign! Note how the girl pictured is sexy enough to bring in the kiddies but the coloring and framing of the image may, for fans of Six Feet Under (Ball's previous HBO series), recall that show's premiere campaign. We suppose that's the TV-ad equivalent of that seduction technique where you slip sexy vocab into your rap to get your target in the mood -- but just like when sleazy people use low-level hypnosis to get in our pants, we don't care, 'cause it totally works. Nice tag line, too; it implies sex, violence, and guilt all at once.

Bravo guys; there's a lesson here. Drop the web stuff and go with what you know.

Click on the image for a high-res version.

[via Slashfilm]

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"True Blood" Campaign Sucking All The Fun Out Of Viral Videos
LEAKED: "True Blood", New HBO Vampire Drama From "Six Feet Under" Creator Alan Ball

"True Blood" Campaign Sucking All The Fun Out Of Viral Videos

Bryan Christian — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 14:30:00 GMT

We had been getting curious -- maybe even excited -- about True Blood, the Louisiana-set vampire drama from Alan Ball and HBO that premieres this fall. We're pining for something langorous and Gothic-y these days. Not sure why... Maybe it's the heat. Maybe it's that with the Emmys we were reminded of how much we miss Damages. Anyhow. Notice that we used the "past tense" there. Because we're starting to find the whole Tru Blood / Blood Copy / yada yada web and print campaign a little exhausting. Sure, we get that they've gotta establish that the vampires of True Blood live in a world where they can choose between drinking human blood and a synthetic blood replacement beverage, and what does that do to vampires and the world, etc., etc. That sounds great. What sounds crap, however, is the possibility that True Blood will swerve as wildly between the crass, crummy commercials and fake-news-clips in rotation on HBO and the stilted, over-written vids of this viral campaign. Click through for a few examples after the jump.

Sounds Like They're Freaking Out Over At HBO Original Programming

Bryan Christian — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 16:28:00 GMT

The story so far... After the demise of its most prestigious and successful original programs -- and with few successes to show for itself (but a couple might have beens) in the intervening months -- HBO has seemed for some time poised to lose its reputation as "more than TV" to rival pay cable network Showtime. To our mind, that hasn't quite happened yet. No matter how navelgazing/boring In Treatment or Tell Me You Love Me were, Showtime didn't overcome HBO in the last year or so so much as supply an alternative to it. They don't have any comedies as idiosyncratic as Curb Your Enthusiasm, nor do any of their hour-long shows acheive the grandeur of The Sopranos or even HBO's misfires, like Carnivàle. (Possible exception: This American Life, which since it's a doc we're thinking doesn't count.)

Still, HBO knows they've got a title to defend. And it looks to us like their solution is to throw lots and lots of money around developing new shows. None of which sound particularly great.

Just in the past couple days, we've heard of their developing a comedy club-based show for comedienne Lisa Lampanelli, with Jim Carrey exec-producing; an adaptation of Sloane Crosley's humorous essay collection I Was Told There Would Be Cake; and Bored to Death, which sounds an awful lot like The Singing Detective as written by Jonathan Lethem but is, in fact, from the very funny New York writer and performance artist Jonathan Ames. Previously reported shows being developed by the net include that vampire show from Six Feet Under's Alan Ball; Hung, from Election's Alexander Payne and The Riches' Dmitry Lipkin, which is about a guy whose "superpower" in life is his humongous cock and balls; and, according to the New York Observer, "a Darren Star adaptation of Tracy Quan’s Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl, and Surburban Shootout, based on a U.K. series, about a woman in the suburbs stuck between two housewife gangs."

Anything there tickle your fancy? Yeah, we not so sure either. Nor are we so optimistic about David Simon's New Orleans show, but that may just be because we thought that show's theme song got progressively way worse each season and figure that doesn't bode well for a show about musicians. (Generation Kill, on the other hand, we await with baited breath -- but that's a miniseries.)

The one show that we'd heard about being developed by HBO that we were hardcore excited about was Preacher, an adaptation of Garth Ennis' epic and deeply profane comic book about God, vampires, and rednecks. And that project is apparently stalled, even though HBO and DC/Vertigo (which published Preacher in the '90's) are part of the same company and you'd think they could share a few resources getting it right. (BTW, there's a big hubbub about trouble at DC here and here, which may shed light on that situation. Don't skip the comments.)

So, what do we do? Wait for HBO to get it right again -- or for Showtime to finally put together an hour-long drama that knocks it out of the park? Or are we just gonna have to rely on a diet of Mad Men and Damages for a while?

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