The Remote Island : USA Network

Westminster Dog Show Tonight

Jake Kalish — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:20:00 GMT

It's that time of year again for dog lovers and jealous dogs everywhere. (We know, Fido, you're way better looking than Uno The Beagle.) The 2009 Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show airs tonight from 8-9 on USA, and 9-11 on CNBC. That's right, this is an event so big one station couldn't hold it. The finals will air Tuesday night from 8-11 on USA. To prepare you, we've got Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara, and "Winky", from Best In Show...

OMG, Kelly Kapowski Is That You?

Olivia Purnell — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:20:00 GMT

We know, we know, Tiffany Thiessen was on 90210 for a while. And she had brief stints aboard the ill-fated series What About Brian and Fastlane. But to us, she’ll always be Kelly Kapowski. No post-Zack Morris project (the original 90210 included) has lived up to the campy glory that was Saved by the Bell. Maybe this next one will . . .

Tiff has signed on with the USA Network to co-star in a new pilot called White Collar. The Hollywood Reporter says:

"Collar," from Fox TV Studios, centers on Neal (Matthew Bomer), a brilliant con artist who partners against his will with Peter (Tim DeKay), the head of the FBI's white-collar crime unit. Thiessen will play Debbie, Peter's intelligent and supportive wife who works as an accountant.

Okay, we’re happy for Tiffany. It’s good to see her getting work, but an accountant? Our accountant does not look like this:

Does yours? If so, we’ve got some taxes that need filing . . .

Previously:

OMG Dawson, Is That You?

Sigh... "In Plain Sight" Season Ends, Badly

Ben Kallen — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 17:58:00 GMT

As we mentioned not too long ago, USA Network's In Plain Sight works best when it's about the inner workings of the witness-protection program. Or when U.S. Marshals Mary and Marshall, played by cool hottie Mary McCormack and deadpan-funny Fred Weller, have to hunt down all manner of quirky bad guys. It's at its worst, on the other hand, when dealing with Mary's too-close family -- mom "Jinx" (played by the usually great Lesley Ann Warren, whose flibbertigibbet act here wears thin quickly) and gorgeous-yet-troubled sis Brandi.

So guess which part this week's big season finale was about?

In the past couple of episodes, the ridiculous subplot about Brandi's drug deal finally came to a head. In order to earn her boyfriend's love (or simply because she's an idiot), Brandi agreed to sell a suitcase full of enough crystal meth to fuel an army of biker gangs for a decade. The exchange goes bad, of course, and in the end Brandi still has the drugs and a couple of FBI agents have been killed.

Last week, in a violent episode that was entirely out of character with the show's usual light tone, we got to see the drug dealers kidnap Mary, chain her up, threaten to rape her and nearly shoot her. This week, we get the upshot of all that -- which, to be clear, was entirely Brandi's fault. But instead of focusing on the topic of how Brandi almost got Mary killed, the three women have one of those endless arguments about their roles in the family dynamics. At this point, does anyone really care that Mary has a better handle on her finances than the other two?

After a whole lot of this talk, Mary sides with Brandi against the FBI agent who wants to see her convicted for the role she played in the whole mess. And we're supposed to as well -- the fed comes off as mean for no reason, while we're still intended to feel protective of the poor li'l hottie. Except that she did it -- she took part in a criminal enterprise in which two FBI agents were killed. And yet the show clearly wants us to root for her not to be punished in any way.

Then Mary tries to hide the drugs, which makes her a criminal too. So how are we supposed to take her seriously as a law-enforcement officer after this? She gets away with a lot on the job, but that's a bit much.

In the end, it's Mary's ballplayer boyfriend Rafe who manages to to get rid of the meth, and the whole thing is treated as a joke. (He apparently adds it to the powder that makes white lines on the baseball field.) So, happy ending, yay?

Here's the main problem: This show simply doesn't know what it wants to be. Is it dark or light, serious or funny? (You can be both, but there are limits.) Is it about the witness-protection program or not? And how far can Mary bend the rules until she isn't a good guy anymore?

Let's hope the writers have figured out some answers before the next season begins.

Photo: USA Network

Previously:
In Plain Sight Is Finally Getting Good
In Plain Sight: The Text Message Review

"In Plain Sight" Is Finally Getting Good

Ben Kallen — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 20:03:00 GMT

Last night's episode of In Plain Sight just plain rocked.

The show, which stars Mary McCormack as Mary Shannon, a U.S. marshal who relocates people in the Witness Protection Program, first seemed like one of those cable action dramas that are long on plot but short on realism. But last night, we had a chance to see how shattering the idea of going into witness protection really would be.

In "Iris Doesn't Live Here Anymore," a girl from a wealthy, well-established family witnesses a gang shooting, which in turn puts her own life in danger. As a result, her family learns that in order to stay together they'll have to be completely uprooted -- within a matter of hours, they'll gather a few belongings, take off to an unfamiliar city, and leave everything and everyone they know behind for good. The idea is hard on all of them, but especially on the girl's father, a successful doctor who not only has to give up his own practice, but learns he can't even be an OB-GYN anymore. This part was well-written, well-acted, and just well-executed all around.

What's more, the interaction between Mary and her partner Marshall (yes, Marshall the marshal) was even funnier than usual. . . and he got to have some take-charge moments himself for a change. Even the subplot involving Mary's family, often an annoying distraction, was more engaging than usual, as hot-but-troubled younger sister Brandi began falling for Mary's disabled-athlete boyfriend. (Just wondering: Has there ever been a young-adult sister on a TV drama who wasn't hot but troubled?)

Sure, we had some quibbles -- the doctor's egotism and selfishness went beyond the point of believability, just so he could "learn his lesson" in the end. And as so often happens, a key plot point was telegraphed half an hour before it should have been. But so what? If things keep up this way, The Closer (whose new season starts tonight on TNT) has a rival for the best cable cop drama of the summer.

The episode will repeat throughout the week; afterward, you can watch it online here.

Photo: USA Network

Previously:
In Plain Sight: The Text Message Review

"Burn Notice" Season Two Premiere: The Text Message Review

Bryan Christian — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:29:00 GMT

And now the latest in what intelligence experts assure us will someday by blowing our cover and stranding us in warmer climes (hooray!): text message reviews of new and returning tv shows. After the jump, this week's review of Burn Notice, USA's buzz-heavy Magnum P.I./MacGyver/CSI Miami/Jason Bourne mashup.

brn ntc? ok, but NOT ENUF 6! we wuz robbed!

The Summer Olympics: You Can Run, But You Can't Hide

Ben Kallen — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 14:27:00 GMT

Looking forward to NBC Universal's coverage of the Beijing Olympics in August? You'd better be... because escape will be impossible. The entertainment conglomerate is planning to broadcast 3,600 hours of Olympic programming, far more than has ever been shown before. That's more than 200 hours per day.

And it won't just be on NBC stations, either, but also on USA Network, MSNBC, CNBC, Universal HD, the Spanish-language Telemundo, and even the recently purchased women's channel Oxygen (which will feature female-skewing programming such as tennis and gymnastics highlights). After all that, if there's still any time left in your day, you can also watch streaming events, replays and highlights on the Internet.

Because of the 12-hour time difference from Beijing, NBC plans to air a lot of popular morning events live during prime time, instead of tape-delaying them as in the past. (That's on the East Coast of the U.S., anyway -- West Coast viewers will still get a three-hour time delay, just as they do with the Emmys, the Grammys and Saturday Night Live.) There'll also be constant coverage in the afternoon and late-night hours, just in case you were planning on working or sleeping.

So clear off your schedule, empty out your DVR and get ready for a long month. Either that or find a cave to hide in somewhere to avoid the whole thing. But if you do, make sure it doesn't get cell-phone reception -- because there'll be Olympics programming on those, too.

Previously:
Paper Covers Rock, Fox Sports Network Covers Rock Paper Scissors

Check Out the New "Burn Notice" Novel

Ben Kallen — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 14:33:00 GMT

The second season of Burn Notice begins this Thursday. But for fans who actually like to read, USA Network is also planning a series of books based on the spy-turned-detective show. Written by novelist and journalist Tod Goldberg, the novels will attempt to re-create the program's humor, quirky characters and intricate plots.

The first one, titled Burn Notice: The Fix, will hit bookstores on August 5. In the meantime, you can read a big chunk of the first chapter on the publisher's website. Decide for yourself if Goldberg has hero Michael Weston's cool-but-well-informed narration style down just right:

When you’re a spy, certain things come easy. You never have to pay your parking tickets. The IRS leaves you pretty much alone provided you don’t try to deduct TEC-9s from your 1040EZ. It’s okay if you have sex with someone you don’t actually like. In fact it’s often encouraged, and if on the off chance you fall in love with the wrong person and have to kill them, or they try to kill you, your boss rarely asks for you to fill out a purchase order for a body bag or extra bullets.

But not even being a spy gets you out of having lunch with your mother.

We say that's not bad. But if you still prefer your stories told with pictures that move, enjoy this teaser scene from the upcoming Burn Notice season premiere:

Previously:
Number Six (AKA Tricia Helfer) Will Still Be On Your TV While Battlestar Is Away (Note: Not safe for work)

Celebrate Independence Day With Some TV Marathons

Ben Kallen — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 12:32:00 GMT

Yes, the Fourth of July is about parades and cookouts and fireworks. But you can't stay outside all the time... it's hot out there!

Luckily, certain cable networks realize this, so they're playing marathons of your favorite (and not-so-favorite) shows from morning till night. Here's what you could watch all day long, if you really had a hankerin' to:

Sci-Fi: The Twilight Zone. For some reason, there's been a Twilight Zone marathon on some channel or other during every weekday holiday for as long as we can remember. Not that we're complaining... there's just something weird about watching those old black-and-white episodes when it's still light outside. But if you want to see a young Bill Shatner deal with a gremlin on the wing of an airplane, this is the time to do it.

FX: King of the Hill. Nothing on TV portrays the heartland of America as well as this animated series from the creator of Beavis & Butt-Head. Except, maybe, Beavis & Butt-Head.

USA: JAG and NCIS. Really, USA Network, this is what you're going with? We get the military angle, but JAG was canceled three years ago, and no one can remember watching it even back then. At least NCIS has Mr. Shoop from Summer School.

MTV: America's Next Top Model. What won't these poor young ladies do for a Cover Girl contract? Let's hope this season-10 marathon includes one of the famous "makeover" episodes, in which Tyra forces all the girls to drastically alter their appearances, then lectures them about staying true to who they really are.

TLC: What Not To Wear. More makeovers -- but at least Stacey London is nicer about it. Remember, everyone, American-flag shorts may not be illegal, but they are tacky.

TNT: Law & Order. Sure, every day's a Law & Order marathon on basic cable. But these are the episodes in which a passerby finds a body in New York City, and the detectives make a wisecrack about it, and it leads them to a completely different crime, and the person they think is the culprit probably isn't, and the prosecutors solve the case at the last minute by finding a piece of information they should have looked for right at the start. You know, unlike all the episodes where that doesn't happen.

Image: Fox

In Plain Sight: The Text Message Review

Bryan Christian — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 17:00:00 GMT

And now the first in what we're sure to be an earth-shattering series here on The Remote Island: text message reviews of TV programs. Today: In Plain Sight, which stars The West Wing's Mary McCormack as a New Mexico U.S. Marshall and premiered last night on the USA Network.

IPS? meh. shes hott but OMG enuff w murder s/he quirk. wasn't Bunk spsd 2 b on this?