The Remote Island : Vh1

"Sex Rehab": It's Coming, Or Rather Isn't Quite So Much [VIDEO]

Jake Kalish — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 13:35:00 GMT

Woo hoo! We told you this Celebrity Rehab spinoff was coming, and now it's official! Thanks, VH1 and Dr. Drew!

Last time we voiced our feelings about televised sex addiction. We won't do so again, mostly because we're tired from having too much sex. Suffice it to say us trying desperately to stay away from this show will be much like a sex addict trying to steer clear of the whorehouse. It's a lost cause.

Knowing we are weak, we are preparing for Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew by watching this video, "How To Know If You're A Sex Addict"...

PREVIOUSLY:

What Took VH1 So Long To Do A Reality Show About Celebrity Sex Addicts?

David Duchovny Is Either Just As Horny As You Thought He Was...

Jodie Sweetin, "Celebrity Rehab"

Jeff Conaway Has Seen Better Days, But We Still Kinda Love Him

Fantasia Barrino, The Reality Show

Jake Kalish — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 15:22:00 GMT

Fantasia will star in a new unscripted VH1 reality show, scheduled to begin in 2010. We gotta ask why - and we only ask because we love Fantasia, and have the utmost respect for her enormous talent. Isn't this something less gifted people do to boost their careers? It's kinda like, if you're a standup with a funny routine, you don't need to be a prop comic. Look, this is a list of what Fantasia's done already, just on the merits of her talent: 1 American Idol win. 9 Grammy Nominations. Star on Broadway in The Color Purple. Bestselling autobiography. Star of a Lifetime original movie based on her life. It's true that her music hasn't sold like Kelly Clarkson's or Carrie Underwood's, but she's no Taylor Hicks, either. She's doing great. All right, here's the counterargument, from executive producer Randy Barbato:

Fantasia's life has been an open book, but at 24 years old, her story has just begun...Now that it has found a home at VHI, we look forward to smashing expectations and revealing the fresh, funny and unexpected side of this one-of-a-kind country girl and superstar.

Yeah, okay. We'll take a peek. But we mean this as a compliment, not an insult: we're most interested in Fantasia Barrino when she performs.

Collision Course: "Rock of Love Bus" Drives Adult Entertainment Into the Mainstream

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 04:01:00 GMT

By Steve Almond

During an early episode of Rock of Love Bus (RoLB), the latest installment of VH1’s reality-TV franchise, the former Poison front man Bret Michaels takes four of his prospective soul mates on a "special date" — to a strip club called Big Al’s.

The girls are hooted onstage to perform, but one of them, Beverly, refuses to shake her moneymaker for the assembled mob. A confused Bret takes Beverly aside to find out what’s wrong. "I’ve got three kids at home and honestly I’m worried about what their friends are going to see," she tells him.

As the father of two daughters, Bret assures Beverly that he understands. To the TV audience, he takes a slightly different tack. "I’m not asking her to do anything she doesn’t wanna do," he explains earnestly, "but right now, I gotta be honest: she’s being a little bit of a buzz kill."

Those unfamiliar with the charms of RoLB — whose finale airs this Sunday, April 11, on VH1 — might expect this to be the moral nadir of the episode. They would be wrong.

A few minutes later, we are treated to an interview with another of his dates, a troubled soul named Brittaney. "I’m not ashamed that I was a producer and director of porn. What I did was, you know, empower women," she informs us, apropos of nothing. "It’s not that I’m ashamed of my past," she adds, her voice now cracking. "But it’s in the past and now I’m a different person. I want to have a family."

The images being flashed on-screen during this heartfelt confession include a drunken Brittaney writhing on her back and simulating sex acts with another stripper. Ah, the rituals of courtship on VH1! You must expose your heart and your labia.

But I bring all this up not simply to deride the molten and shameless exploitation of the reality-TV genre. That's pretty much its bread and butter. No, what fascinates me about this season's RoLB is that it has shattered the barrier between mainstream television and the porn industry.

I should preface this by noting that I've watched all three editions of Rock of Love, online no less. (I could blame this on my wife, who watches the program religiously. The truth, as we shall see, is more damning.)

Some quick context, then. The inaugural season of Rock of Love offered the sort-of-believable-for-reality-TV premise that Bret Michaels — one-time heavy metal heartthrob turned middle-aged hair-extender — was looking for true love. VH1 rounded up twenty-five women, put them in a mansion with free booze, and let the cameras roll. Back in those innocent days, the "bad girl" was Heather — a professional stripper! She lost out in the end to designated "good girl" Jess.

This is how the producers tend to orchestrate things on RoL. They set up showdowns between "good girls" (who don't work in the sex industry) and "bad girls" (who do). Bret chooses the "good girl" in the end, which helps foster the illusion — so crucial to the entire reality-TV genre — that the star is truly seeking love, rather than pimping a sagging career.

This illusion has been tossed out the window on RoLB. Bret mouths a few platitudes about "getting to know" the girls, as he kisses and gropes and beds them. But there's no real feeling on the show. It is, in this sense, eerily like a porn film. This should come as no great surprise, given that nearly half of this season's cast are sex workers. Here's how sad it is: when the insufferable Taya claims, "I'm a centerfold model for Penthouse, and I'm the classiest one here," she's right.

Of course, shows like RoL are designed to bring out the worst in people. But this year's version, lacking even a hint of eroticism, has relied on physical and emotional violence for drama. The highlight of most episodes is a physical altercation between two women, which is replayed a minimum of six times, usually in slow motion. In this sense, the program has managed to channel the dark heart of most hetero porn, which is not about the pleasures of physical congress, but the sexual humiliation of women. RoLB — along with its skeezy brethren — offers viewers the inherent sadism of porn, minus the stigma. Instead of watching young, emotionally unstable women straddling cocks, we watch them digging through dumpsters, writhing in mud, punching each other, and vomiting in hotel rooms. Think of it as spiritual bukkake.

For years, of course, the adult industry has been looking for ways to infiltrate mainstream culture, where the big advertising dollars are. Reality TV has simply proved the best available beachhead. Not only has it become a developmental league for porn stars — several RoL alums have used their platform to venture into porn — but producers have been quick to pounce on ideas that exploit the allure of porn. Perhaps the most brazen example is My Bare Lady, a British show in which four porn stars are given formal training for the stage and forced to compete.

But just as reality TV has embraced the tropes of porn, so, too, has porn sought a reality makeover. Gone are the stilted scripts and nurse costumes. For some years now, porn's been dominated by low-budget "gonzo" productions, in which the idea is to stage sex scenes as if they were being conducted spontaneously by "amateurs" — that guy in the van who just happens to roll with his camera man, and that anorexic chick in the parking lot who just happens to have breasts the size of small babies and no gag reflex. Even the Adult Video News has had to acknowledge the rise of reality porn, by adding two new categories to its annual awards: Best Amateur Tape and Best Amateur Series.

There are two questions looming over all this. The first is why women like my wife watch shows that are so degrading to women. I could tender a bunch of excuses here. (Noting, for instance, that my wife is a former hair-metal chick.) But the truth is a bit darker. I think women are reacting to the pornification of the culture at large, the absurd and enraging pressure women feel to disfigure their bodies — via surgery or starvation — for approval. And the growing sense that their only cultural power resides in their sexuality.

When my wife watches RoLB, most of what she feels is a kind of gratifying disgust. She enjoys watching the contestants claw at each other and weep on camera. They represent the most degraded aspects of our culture — and of herself.

The irony, of course, is that she’s just feeding the beast. As the message boards fill up mostly female viewers railing against the female contestants, it's the producers and advertisers (oh, and Bret of course) who are laughing all the way to the bank. With very little overhead or imagination, and an almost impressive absence of human decency, they've managed to create the hottest girl-on-girl action around.

But what about me, Mr. Judgmental. Why, given my obvious contempt for RoL, do I watch the show? My motivation is even sadder, frankly. It’s certainly not for the sexual turn-on. No, what I get off on is the fantasy of absolute masculine dominion. Lame as he might be, Bret Michaels has a harem of women who will do whatever he asks.

Reality TV producers like to claim that they’re peddling the dream of "true love." But for male viewers, they’re peddling the ultimate porno fairytale, a world in which women exist merely to debase themselves for their man. If they had any guts they’d cut the bullshit and just go all the way. Here’s what I’d like to see: a show called "American Porn Star," in which women (and men!) compete for a contract with Vivid Video by performing sex acts for celebrity judges and viewers at home. I might feel guilty watching such a show, but at least I’d be getting off on sex, rather than hate.

Previously:

Raven Williams of "Rock of Love": So What, I did a Porno
STD Sunday: The "Rock of Love" Final Four Are Boring And Weird
STD Sunday: Reunions, Punches, and Loogies!
STD Sunday: A Baked Vagina Is Just The Icing On The Cake
STD Sunday: Bret's Girls Can't Stop Being Slutty, Whorish, Or Speed Bumpy
Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess
Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus
Bret Michaels Not Involved in Fatal Car Crash -- Just So Everyone's Clear
Bret Michaels Wonders How The Hell You Wear A Seatbelt In A Hot Tub

Tiffany "New York" Pollard Gets Her Gajillionth VH1 Reality Show

Jake Kalish — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:35:00 GMT

Shy, reserved, introspective type seeks like-minded individuals to bitch slap and hump

How long can one keep going solely as a VH1 reality star, neither wearing out your welcome nor advancing past that stage? She's a true phenomenon, this Head Bitch In Charge...

Coming up next for Tiffany "New York" Pollard: "New York Goes To Work." The premise? She investigates the mysteries of the universe, with the help of Stephen Hawking and Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

Just kidding! She goes off on some bitches!

But in the workplace. That's the difference between this and Flavor Of Love, Flavor Of Love 2, I Love New York, I Love New York 2, and New York Goes To Hollywood. Surprisingly, that last one did not result in "New York" becoming the next Halle Berry, though it could have resulted in her slapping the shit out of Halle Berry had Halle Berry started something.

Mmmm, so this one, which comes to us in May? Tiffany gets a new job every week. And fans get to choose which job, by text voting. Some of the choices: sewer plant, mortuary. You get it. If "New York" survives the week at the job, she gets five grand. If she quits or gets fired, nothing.

Except, of course, another VH1 reality show.

PREVIOUSLY:

Stop Spitting On Each Other, Reality Stars!

Going Through Crazy-Ass Bitch Withdrawal? We Prescribe "New York Goes To Hollywood"

"New York" Shows Her "Vagina"

5 Tips To Becoming A Reality Show Star

Tears, Drugs, and Rock 'N' Roll Return With VH1's "Behind the Music"

Chenda Ngak — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 15:32:00 GMT

Remember VH1's Behind the Music? It started in 1997 and ran for seven years. The stories were painfully similar: meager beginnings, early success, epic tragedy, and finally meteoric fame. The direction and editing of the documentaries, themselves, were like an opus of bad hair, groupies, and cocaine. Hot, right? VH1 apparently thinks so. The network has just ordered 10 more episodes of BTM. Confirmed stars include Lil Wayne and Scott Weiland.

"It felt like the time is right," said Jeff Olde, VH1 executive vice president original programming. "There's all sorts of new artists on the scene who have emerged and have these great stories. And there's other artists that we always wanted to do the first time around."

VH1 had a reminder of the show's popularity last fall when it aired a well-received 90-minute live New Kids on the Block "Behind the Music" special. The event showed the group's first public performance in more than a decade along with a "BTM" retrospective.

"We always hear about the show, even now," Olde said. "It's amazing how much affection viewers have for it." (yahoo.com)

VH1 will update the show's format for 2009, but not too much. Jim Forbes is back as the show's narrator, though the new episodes will add more current footage to anchor the story in the present day, just as the New Kids special intercut with a live event. (yahoo.com)

Of course, we have a special place in our hearts for BTM -- right next to our special 1990s place for Ecstasy and a booming economy -- so we're pleased that they won' t be messing with it. We don't care if it's lame, we'd still hit that. Any show that's good enough to get an episode-long Simpsons parody is a keeper. Also: "More Cowbell."

Lisa Loeb Marries Conan O'Brien's Music Supervisor

Jake Kalish — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 22:45:00 GMT

His name is Roey Hershkovitz, and he's 30 - a full decade younger than Loeb. Lisa, you cougar, you!

This is excellent news for anyone who watched Lisa Loeb's 2006 VH1 reality show #1 Single, about her desperate search to find a husband and have a baby after a couple of long-term failed relationships.The show led to quite a few emotional moments, like this one with her mom:

But now she's got her man! Now we just hope he'll stay. Get it? Because that was her actual #1 single:

Three Dallas Cowboys Reality Shows Is Probably Two Too Many

Jake Kalish — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 20:33:00 GMT

VH1 has just greenlighted a show about what Terrell Owens does in the offseason. Which, to our understanding, is take his shirt off and search for cameras. This announcement after last week's news that Michael Irvin has a new reality show in which 12 contestants compete for the final spot on the Cowboys' training camp roster. Plus, there's Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making The Team, which is now entering its third season on CMT. Too much; Cowboys overload. Even if they are "America's Team."

What should happen now is these three reality shows should be forced to compete on a reality show, winner gets to stay on the air. Why would they agree to that? Because there should be a reality show about the making of the reality show about the competing reality shows. And that would air on CBS after the late Sunday afternoon NFL game, instead of 60 Minutes. We should be in programming.

PREVIOUSLY:

Michael Irvin's New NFL Reality Show Offers Contestants The Chance To Break Their Limbs

Stop Spitting On Each Other, Reality Stars!

Jake Kalish — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 19:05:00 GMT

So we're watching Top 100 Songs of The 90's on VH1 for the gazillionth time (Smells Like Teen Spirit, btw; what, ruined the suspense?) and on comes a promo for the next Rock of Love Charm School, airing Sunday at 9 Eastern. And on it, some young lady, clearly not fully processing her etiquette lessons, spits on another young lady. Impolite, and might be shocking - if it hadn't already happened on Flavor of Love (Pumpkin/New York) and on I Love New York 2 (Tailor Made/Mister Wise) So this is the third spitting incident on a VH1 reality show. Obviously, these shows perfectly reflect "reality" (Aw, who put quotes around that word?) but more cynical people than us might think producers had something to do with this. Or maybe the contestants themselves just know what'll get them attention. Whatever it is, stop. It's rude. Not to mention unhygenic. It's bad enough you use that mouth to kiss other VH1 reality show contestants.

-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Raven Williams of "Rock of Love": So What, I did a Porno

Jake Kalish — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 13:29:00 GMT

Yesterday, Raven Williams of Rock of Love and now Rock of Love: Charm School admitted in her VH1 blog today that she has done porn - and she's coming out swinging. (Not like "the lifestyle" swinging, the other way.)

After the jump, her blog post, in its entirety, entitled "So What I did a Porno Movie (I did Three)" It. Is. Amazing.

"To all of you pent up, uptight, rigidly moralistic, puritanical, sexist a**holes out there, listen up The economy is failing, we've been living off of a non-monetary based economy designed to enslave us for centuries, and the North American Union is on it's way to eradicationg our nation's boundaries, yet all of you puritanical Jacka*** are worried abot me sticking a guy's d**k in my mouth! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! There are more important issues at stake and your worried about me sticking some dude's d**k in my mouth! So what, as long as it's CONSENSUAL (it's your puritanical mindsets that are also dually responsible for rape and sexism in our soicety too). People stick people's d**ks in their mouths everyday. I am a sexually assertive female and if I could get paid for it, awesome! Hell, I'm proud of that porno and I even did three others, including BDSM. As a matter of fact, here's the link: www.boundnteased.com. and yes that's me, my image is there. I find it so stupifyingly sad and dejecting that Americans in general have become so zombified that issues like who are your state senators and the fact that our civil liberties are being taken away by the patriot act are of less importance than my sticking a guy's d**k in mouth. Big f***** deal, so what. You need to be ashamed that you are playing mindless, warped zombies for the New World Order by giving more attention to something that brought all of us into the world rather than something that will enslave and cease all liberties as we know it! WAKE UP YOU MINDLESS ROBOTS AND LOOK AT THE REAL ISSUES! Thank you."

We've been living off a non-monetary based economy designed to enslave us? And people stick people's dicks in their mouths everyday? What can this mindless robot do to remedy the situation? Beat off to porn, you say? To that we say: Yes, we can!

- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

Mystery And His Man-Goggles Return for Season Two of “The Pick-Up Artist”

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 20:24:00 GMT

Worst Halloween costume ever? No kids, it’s Mystery, the elusive “pick-up artist”/douchebag-you-kinda-maybe-would-sleep-with if you met him in real life (according to an un-scientific poll we just conducted among, um, three women).

Love him, hate him, want to knock those silly goggles off his damn forehead…either way, he’s back for a new season of VH1’s The Pick-Up Artist. Only this time—there’s a twist!

Sadly, it doesn’t involve goggles being twisted around Mystery's neck, as this promo shot shows.

No, this twist involves a lady wing-person. Or, “wing-girl.” (Why there are wing-men and then wing-girls, we don’t know. It’s probably akin to insulting a drunk woman so that she’ll make out with you.) We’ll let VH1 explain:

Based on the tremendous viewer response to the series The Pickup Artist, VH1 has once again teamed up with world renowned pickup guru Mystery to help guide nine new “socially awkward” students overcome their biggest fears - meeting women. As we saw last season, Mystery has developed a foolproof formula for these men to follow, whether they’re in a bar, club or coffee shop. Through his various teachings and in-the-field tests, Mystery will prepare these men with the skills they need to overcome their shyness and confidence issues in the real world.

The Pickup Artist 2 brings a new twist to the show, as Mystery and Season 1 wing-man and fellow pickup artist Matador are joined by new wing-girl Tara. Viewers may remember Tara as Season 1’s kissing coach. In this second season she will expand her role by adding a female perspective. Tara will serve as full time wing-girl to Mystery and act as a confidant for the contestants.

Set your DVR! The Pickup Artist 2 premieres on VH1 on Sunday, October 12 at 10:00 PM.

We’ll be waiting for Season 3, when maybe they’ll let an actual wing-woman join the cast…or when they finally televise Mystery getting kicked in the balls. You know it's happened...

Donnie Wahlberg's Mid-Life Crisis

Lindy Parker — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 16:24:00 GMT

Okay seriously, what's going on with Donnie Wahlberg? Obviously, no one's really going to hold NKOTB's first run against him -- after all there was a time when the rat tail was the height of fashion, and as for that weird arson arrest, we've all been through hard times. But really, over the last decade or so, it seemed like he'd totally gotten it together. Band of Brothers, The Sixth Sense, Boomtown -- all bonafide actor gigs, nothing tongue-in-cheek or pathetic about them. Further, when Vh1 came calling a few years ago for Bands Reunited to try and talk him into a NKOTB reunion concert, their camera crews couldn't even get in the parking lot of his condo. He'd moved on, and it appeared as though his transition to artistic legitimacy was complete. And now, what's happening? He voluntarily reassembled New Kids, recorded this ridiculous song about girls on the beach and flip flops, got divorced and now he's traipsing around town with one of the girls from Making the Band 3?

First of all, she's kind of channelling Tara Reid in this picture, no? Second, is she out of high school? What do they talk about? Will it be weird when Donnie walks into his teenage son's room and finds this picture of Aubrey taped to the back of his closet door?

Sorry, we didn't mean to get judge-y there. Obviously people can do what they want, it just seems like Donnie's taken a bit of a hard right career-wise and we're trying to get our bearings.

Friday Afternoon Cheesecake: Hoopz' Next Career Move

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:34:00 GMT

Remember Hoopz from Flavor of Love? Don't worry; apparently being one of Flavor Flav's girlfriends (?) isn't the career death knell you'd think it would be. Hoopz will be featured in a photo spread in the October issue of King magazine.

::sigh:: And yes. We have pictures, and there’s even a video with bursting balloons…Why the hell not, right? TGIF, motherchuckers.

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Check out more photos over at Bossip. And see in her action: video of the photo shoot right here.

Previously:
Flavor Flav: Lost His Virginity at Age Six, Played With Boogers Much Later in Life

This Ad Looks Like Our Brains

Ben Kallen — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 17:25:00 GMT

We think the above ad, for this year's Emmy Awards, is pretty cool. To celebrate the 60th anniversary of the awards, the August 21 broadcast will be honoring lots of shows and stars from both the past and present. (Kind of like a less snarky VH1 nostalgiafest, or a more snarky evening with TV Land.)

Can you name the more than 400 TV characters and personalities depicted in the ad? We hit about 80 percent ourselves, but that back row's a bear. If you need help, you can view a larger version on Adfreak.com.

Image: ABC, via Adfreak.com

Previously:
Emmy Wants You To Pick the Most Memorable Moments in TV History
18 "Memorable TV Moments" That the Emmy People Missed
What Did We Think of the Emmy Nominations?

"Saturday Night Live" To Get a New Fat Guy

Ben Kallen — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:05:00 GMT

Hey, when it comes to sketch comedy, that's no insult -- John Belushi, John Candy and Chris Farley are among the funniest guys who ever lived. So we have high hopes for "short and stout" Bobby Moynihan, who's been chosen to join the upcoming season's cast of SNL.

Moynihan performs at the always-creative Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and has appeared on several VH1 I Love the Blankety-Blank shows, as well as in various online-video projects. Click through to see him in Other Music, a short film by the sketch-comedy group Human Giant:

Previously:
Video Weekend: Classic Olympic Comedy

Video Fun: Adam Sandler Spoofs The Who

Ben Kallen — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 19:25:00 GMT

Considering how many people now think of The Who as "the guys who do the theme songs for those CSI shows," tonight's VH1 Rock Honors demonstrates that the classic-rock stalwarts are still the most vital voice of their 60-something generation. Packed with guest stars, the show includes blazing takes on "Bargain" and "The Real Me" by Foo Fighters and Pearl Jam, respectively, and even Incubus' version of "I Can See for Miles" isn't bad.

But for our money, the real highlight is Adam Sandler's musical spoof introducing the band itself. Hannukah-boy has decent-enough pipes, and his new lyrics are funnier than you'd expect. (For instance: "They've been rockin' so loud and so long, Pete can't even hear this song.")

Watch the show tonight, or you can just see Sandler's video here.

Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:32:00 GMT

Nothing airbrushed here, folks…

In utterly shocking news, Rock of Love 2 “winner” Ambre Lake and Bret Michaels didn’t make it work. He’s too busy, see, for a relationship. Touring, and not a fear of intimacy with a woman anywhere near his age, keep him from making a true commitment. But VH1 has found the perfect solution: don’t take Bret away from his madcap, rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle. Bring the ladies to the lifestyle!

And thus we have “Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.” Because the only thing sexier than fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk in a McMansion, is fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk on a tour bus. We can smell it now! And, yes, we’re excited.

“Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels takes contestants out of the mansion and on the road in true rock star style. This season will feature all-new ladies vying for Bret’s affection while traveling across America following Bret on a month-long tour. The contestants will face new challenges to see if they can handle the rock star life on the road,” explains the VH1 press release.

“This time as the bus pulls into each new city, the girls will engage in challenges specifically revolving around Bret’s life on the road. Whether it’s greeting aggressive groupies with a smile, enduring grueling schedules, dodging the advances of the warm-up band or even stepping in last-minute to fill in for delinquent roadies – these girls will be put to the test. This season, as the Rock of Love Bus heads into America’s heartland, the show will be taking the viewer to a whole new level with crazy, fun, over-the-top challenges- imagine Truck Stop Olympics or a dance contest on top of the St. Louis Arch or even a BBQ cook-off beneath the World’s Largest Thermometer. And also, back by popular demand…Mud Bowl 3. Americana at it’s finest!”

Indeed.

Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels is scheduled to premiere in early 2009. Get your bandanas ready!

Previously:
Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess

"Brooke Knows Best," But How Does the Hulk Know If You’re Gay Enough?

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 19:29:00 GMT

Just can’t wait until Sunday’s premiere of the new VH1 reality show, Brooke Knows Best? (I know, who can?) Well, lucky you: VH1 is streaming the first episode online. And though we don’t think Brooke knows best about anything, she did manage to snag herself an amazing first apartment. And she knows enough to tell her dad he can’t be one of her roommates.

We do meet her actual roommate, Glenn. We are also introduced to the paranoid-as-hell aspect of her Hulk-Daddy, who lectures Brooke on the dangers of city living (men could rappel into her hot tub!). His paranoia extends to Glenn, a family friend who is gay. But now that Glenn’s living with his daughter, the Hulk is worried that Glen may not be able to resist his daughter’s heterosexual wiles. So he sits him down for a little chat…

“Dude, you know, you’re like family to us. We trust you. But I mean, you’re gay—which is cool—you know, I mean, there’s no big deal here. I mean, a bunch of my best wrestler friends are gay. You know, but I mean, is there like a weird gray area where…you don’t go between men and women?”

Apparently the Hulk's "bunch" of "best wrestler friends" also taught him something about a "gay barometer." And he wants to see how Glenn measures up…

Previously:
"Brooke Knows Best" About... What, Exactly?

"Brooke Knows Best" About... What, Exactly?

Bryan Christian — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 18:23:00 GMT

Ah yes, Brooke Hogan is just your average nineteen-year moving into her first place: a penthouse in Miami Beach. The daughter of Hulk Hogan is moving out of the house, and Vh1 is set to capitalize on the drama sure to unfold when the sheltered Brooke embarks on the world. . .with a jacuzzi tub in her bachelorette pad.

I don’t want to burst anyone’s bubble here, but I’d like to point out the obvious: There is no way in hell “Brooke knows Best” about... anything. What would she “know best” about? Being nineteen? Being blond? Singing highly studio-produced hits? She’s a cute girl, but I’m guessing Papa Hogan hasn’t let her have a lot of life experiences. I guess that could be a lot of fun, watching a girl with too much money move into her first place. Wait, didn’t we see this show before? What was it called. . .The Ashlee Simpson Show?

Oh right, that was on MTV. Totally different. So we’re watching.

(Airing Sunday July 13th, 10pm, Vh1)

— Meghan Pleticha

Make The Founding Fathers Proud; Watch VH1's "I Love Money"

Bryan Christian — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 17:25:00 GMT

What’s more American than whoring yourself out for money? Doing it a second time!

Vh1’s new celebreality show I Love Money takes the losers from Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, and I Love New York and pits them against each other for the love of 250,000 sweaty samoleans.

You may be wondering if it's really "celebreality" if it’s just reality TV stars? Well, we're here to tell you: these are some hardcore reality tv stars-slash-total whores. Pumkin, for example, has not only been on Flavor of Love and its spin-off Charm School, but also had sex on Blind Date. Brandi C (Rock of Love), the little darling, has shot a porno. And if Frank, (“The Entertainer” of I Love New York) wins the cash, the thirty-something plans to move out of his parents’ basement. Dreams can come true, y'all!

Vh1 is premiering I Love Money July 6th, this Sunday, but in the meantime they are running the I Love Money Casting Special not once, but twice today on America’s birthday. We don't have 250 grand or anything, but our money says it's gonna be superslutty.

-- Meghan Pleticha

New VH1 Reality Show Searches for the Next Big “Scream Queen”

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 20:05:00 GMT

We would so try out for this:

The cable network has greenlighted "Scream Queens," a series that will gather 10 unknown actresses to compete for a "major" role in a horror movie from Lionsgate. The contestants will compete in challenges and be schooled by acting coach John Homa. Their skills and progress will be judged by an unidentified director from Lionsgate's roster.

An unidentified director from the roster? Sign us up. Seriously though, it seems like goal of most reality shows is to figure out ways to make people scream. Why not do away with subtlety and just go for it: (presumably) hot chicks screaming their hearts out. Coming this fall...

[Yahoo via Reuters]

The Remote Island : Vh1

"Sex Rehab": It's Coming, Or Rather Isn't Quite So Much [VIDEO]

Fantasia Barrino, The Reality Show

Collision Course: "Rock of Love Bus" Drives Adult Entertainment Into the Mainstream

Previously:

Tiffany "New York" Pollard Gets Her Gajillionth VH1 Reality Show

Tears, Drugs, and Rock 'N' Roll Return With VH1's "Behind the Music"

Lisa Loeb Marries Conan O'Brien's Music Supervisor

Three Dallas Cowboys Reality Shows Is Probably Two Too Many

Stop Spitting On Each Other, Reality Stars!

Raven Williams of "Rock of Love": So What, I did a Porno

Mystery And His Man-Goggles Return for Season Two of “The Pick-Up Artist”

Donnie Wahlberg's Mid-Life Crisis

Friday Afternoon Cheesecake: Hoopz' Next Career Move

This Ad Looks Like Our Brains

"Saturday Night Live" To Get a New Fat Guy

Video Fun: Adam Sandler Spoofs The Who

Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus

And thus we have “Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.” Because the only thing sexier than fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk in a McMansion, is fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk on a tour bus. We can smell it now! And, yes, we’re excited.

Previously: Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess

"Brooke Knows Best," But How Does the Hulk Know If You’re Gay Enough?

"Brooke Knows Best" About... What, Exactly?

Make The Founding Fathers Proud; Watch VH1's "I Love Money"

New VH1 Reality Show Searches for the Next Big “Scream Queen”

Previously:
Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess