The Remote Island : reality television

"Real Housewives" Real Cat Fight: Kelly Besimon v. Bethenny Frankel [VIDEO]

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:29:00 GMT

It finally happened! No more teasing promos, no more wondering (and we're sure you were losing sleep over it)...

The showdown between veteran NYC (unmarried) "housewife" Bethenny Frankel and newbie (single mom) “housewife” Kelly Bensimon was ON last night. And there was a clear winner…

As Bethenny said, Kelly was a “Kell-aminty.”

After last week’s fiasco of a charity-planning event — in which Kelly refused to lend her name to the Jill’s cause and said it was “cute” that Jill’s daughter Allie has diabetes, followed by Bethenny calling Kelly a “no-person” whereas she was a “yes-person” — Kelly did the unthinkable and actually called Bethenny and asked her to meet for drinks to discuss.

An actual mature decision made by someone on reality TV? Don’t worry: your world won’t stay rocked for long.

The encounter quickly devolved into a sad, sad spectacle. It was as if Kelly was the popular ditzy girl in high school who tries to stand up to the acerbic-on-outside, sweet creampuff-on-the-inside alterna-girl…and is BUSTED. Kelly came off like a complete idiot, whereas Bethenny’s cool (nay, icy) demeanor allowed her to sail through the encounter at least outwardly unharmed. At least Kelly didn't Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} didn’t throw any punches.

This, Housewives fans, is must-watch TV.

Previously:

Alex McCord From "Real Housewives of New York City" Needs A Bailout
New York's "Real Housewives" Like To Get Rough
"Real Housewife" Kelly Killoren Bensimon Was Mistaken For A Man In Arrest Report
"The Real Housewives of New Jersey:" Pure Gold or Purely Terrifying?
"The Real Housewives of NYC": The Real Claws Come Out
The Real Housewives: "Naked Wasted"

Collision Course: "Rock of Love Bus" Drives Adult Entertainment Into the Mainstream

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 04:01:00 GMT

By Steve Almond

During an early episode of Rock of Love Bus (RoLB), the latest installment of VH1’s reality-TV franchise, the former Poison front man Bret Michaels takes four of his prospective soul mates on a "special date" — to a strip club called Big Al’s.

The girls are hooted onstage to perform, but one of them, Beverly, refuses to shake her moneymaker for the assembled mob. A confused Bret takes Beverly aside to find out what’s wrong. "I’ve got three kids at home and honestly I’m worried about what their friends are going to see," she tells him.

As the father of two daughters, Bret assures Beverly that he understands. To the TV audience, he takes a slightly different tack. "I’m not asking her to do anything she doesn’t wanna do," he explains earnestly, "but right now, I gotta be honest: she’s being a little bit of a buzz kill."

Those unfamiliar with the charms of RoLB — whose finale airs this Sunday, April 11, on VH1 — might expect this to be the moral nadir of the episode. They would be wrong.

A few minutes later, we are treated to an interview with another of his dates, a troubled soul named Brittaney. "I’m not ashamed that I was a producer and director of porn. What I did was, you know, empower women," she informs us, apropos of nothing. "It’s not that I’m ashamed of my past," she adds, her voice now cracking. "But it’s in the past and now I’m a different person. I want to have a family."

The images being flashed on-screen during this heartfelt confession include a drunken Brittaney writhing on her back and simulating sex acts with another stripper. Ah, the rituals of courtship on VH1! You must expose your heart and your labia.

But I bring all this up not simply to deride the molten and shameless exploitation of the reality-TV genre. That's pretty much its bread and butter. No, what fascinates me about this season's RoLB is that it has shattered the barrier between mainstream television and the porn industry.

I should preface this by noting that I've watched all three editions of Rock of Love, online no less. (I could blame this on my wife, who watches the program religiously. The truth, as we shall see, is more damning.)

Some quick context, then. The inaugural season of Rock of Love offered the sort-of-believable-for-reality-TV premise that Bret Michaels — one-time heavy metal heartthrob turned middle-aged hair-extender — was looking for true love. VH1 rounded up twenty-five women, put them in a mansion with free booze, and let the cameras roll. Back in those innocent days, the "bad girl" was Heather — a professional stripper! She lost out in the end to designated "good girl" Jess.

This is how the producers tend to orchestrate things on RoL. They set up showdowns between "good girls" (who don't work in the sex industry) and "bad girls" (who do). Bret chooses the "good girl" in the end, which helps foster the illusion — so crucial to the entire reality-TV genre — that the star is truly seeking love, rather than pimping a sagging career.

This illusion has been tossed out the window on RoLB. Bret mouths a few platitudes about "getting to know" the girls, as he kisses and gropes and beds them. But there's no real feeling on the show. It is, in this sense, eerily like a porn film. This should come as no great surprise, given that nearly half of this season's cast are sex workers. Here's how sad it is: when the insufferable Taya claims, "I'm a centerfold model for Penthouse, and I'm the classiest one here," she's right.

Of course, shows like RoL are designed to bring out the worst in people. But this year's version, lacking even a hint of eroticism, has relied on physical and emotional violence for drama. The highlight of most episodes is a physical altercation between two women, which is replayed a minimum of six times, usually in slow motion. In this sense, the program has managed to channel the dark heart of most hetero porn, which is not about the pleasures of physical congress, but the sexual humiliation of women. RoLB — along with its skeezy brethren — offers viewers the inherent sadism of porn, minus the stigma. Instead of watching young, emotionally unstable women straddling cocks, we watch them digging through dumpsters, writhing in mud, punching each other, and vomiting in hotel rooms. Think of it as spiritual bukkake.

For years, of course, the adult industry has been looking for ways to infiltrate mainstream culture, where the big advertising dollars are. Reality TV has simply proved the best available beachhead. Not only has it become a developmental league for porn stars — several RoL alums have used their platform to venture into porn — but producers have been quick to pounce on ideas that exploit the allure of porn. Perhaps the most brazen example is My Bare Lady, a British show in which four porn stars are given formal training for the stage and forced to compete.

But just as reality TV has embraced the tropes of porn, so, too, has porn sought a reality makeover. Gone are the stilted scripts and nurse costumes. For some years now, porn's been dominated by low-budget "gonzo" productions, in which the idea is to stage sex scenes as if they were being conducted spontaneously by "amateurs" — that guy in the van who just happens to roll with his camera man, and that anorexic chick in the parking lot who just happens to have breasts the size of small babies and no gag reflex. Even the Adult Video News has had to acknowledge the rise of reality porn, by adding two new categories to its annual awards: Best Amateur Tape and Best Amateur Series.

There are two questions looming over all this. The first is why women like my wife watch shows that are so degrading to women. I could tender a bunch of excuses here. (Noting, for instance, that my wife is a former hair-metal chick.) But the truth is a bit darker. I think women are reacting to the pornification of the culture at large, the absurd and enraging pressure women feel to disfigure their bodies — via surgery or starvation — for approval. And the growing sense that their only cultural power resides in their sexuality.

When my wife watches RoLB, most of what she feels is a kind of gratifying disgust. She enjoys watching the contestants claw at each other and weep on camera. They represent the most degraded aspects of our culture — and of herself.

The irony, of course, is that she’s just feeding the beast. As the message boards fill up mostly female viewers railing against the female contestants, it's the producers and advertisers (oh, and Bret of course) who are laughing all the way to the bank. With very little overhead or imagination, and an almost impressive absence of human decency, they've managed to create the hottest girl-on-girl action around.

But what about me, Mr. Judgmental. Why, given my obvious contempt for RoL, do I watch the show? My motivation is even sadder, frankly. It’s certainly not for the sexual turn-on. No, what I get off on is the fantasy of absolute masculine dominion. Lame as he might be, Bret Michaels has a harem of women who will do whatever he asks.

Reality TV producers like to claim that they’re peddling the dream of "true love." But for male viewers, they’re peddling the ultimate porno fairytale, a world in which women exist merely to debase themselves for their man. If they had any guts they’d cut the bullshit and just go all the way. Here’s what I’d like to see: a show called "American Porn Star," in which women (and men!) compete for a contract with Vivid Video by performing sex acts for celebrity judges and viewers at home. I might feel guilty watching such a show, but at least I’d be getting off on sex, rather than hate.

Previously:

Raven Williams of "Rock of Love": So What, I did a Porno
STD Sunday: The "Rock of Love" Final Four Are Boring And Weird
STD Sunday: Reunions, Punches, and Loogies!
STD Sunday: A Baked Vagina Is Just The Icing On The Cake
STD Sunday: Bret's Girls Can't Stop Being Slutty, Whorish, Or Speed Bumpy
Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess
Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus
Bret Michaels Not Involved in Fatal Car Crash -- Just So Everyone's Clear
Bret Michaels Wonders How The Hell You Wear A Seatbelt In A Hot Tub

"Keep It Together, Dad": Mel and Mike White Come to the End of Their "Amazing Race"

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:02:00 GMT

VIA SCREENGRAB: Stunt casting on TV falls between two poles: on the one hand we have Lee Iacocca or Frank Zappa on Miami Vice, staring nervously at the camera before managing to grunt, "Okay, Sonny" and being mustered back into civilian life; on the other, we have David Lee Roth pulling up a chair at a Sopranos-sponsored all-night poker game, making small talk by wistfully recalling the good old days when his accountant let him deduct condoms. The decision to include screenwriter-director-actor Mike White (Year of the Dog, Chuck & Buck) and his 68-year-old pop, Mel, author of Stranger at the Gate: To be Gay and Christian in America, in the current season of CBS's The Amazing Race, the jewel in the crown of network reality-competition shows, definitely fell a lot closer to the Diamond Dave end of the chart. A pair of smart, genial wisecrackers who threw themselves into physical challenges and gave every sign of enjoying each other's company far too much to spoil the fun and the scenery with the kind of stress attacks and hissy fits that are an Amazing Race constant, Mel and Mike bestowed humor and class on the show, right up until their graceful exit last night, in the seventh episode of the season. They were the sixth of the eleven teams to depart, and while everyone was disappointed to see them go, at least they can boast of having made it squarely past the mid-point...

Read more. . .

Tiffany "New York" Pollard Gets Her Gajillionth VH1 Reality Show

Jake Kalish — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:35:00 GMT

Shy, reserved, introspective type seeks like-minded individuals to bitch slap and hump

How long can one keep going solely as a VH1 reality star, neither wearing out your welcome nor advancing past that stage? She's a true phenomenon, this Head Bitch In Charge...

Coming up next for Tiffany "New York" Pollard: "New York Goes To Work." The premise? She investigates the mysteries of the universe, with the help of Stephen Hawking and Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

Just kidding! She goes off on some bitches!

But in the workplace. That's the difference between this and Flavor Of Love, Flavor Of Love 2, I Love New York, I Love New York 2, and New York Goes To Hollywood. Surprisingly, that last one did not result in "New York" becoming the next Halle Berry, though it could have resulted in her slapping the shit out of Halle Berry had Halle Berry started something.

Mmmm, so this one, which comes to us in May? Tiffany gets a new job every week. And fans get to choose which job, by text voting. Some of the choices: sewer plant, mortuary. You get it. If "New York" survives the week at the job, she gets five grand. If she quits or gets fired, nothing.

Except, of course, another VH1 reality show.

PREVIOUSLY:

Stop Spitting On Each Other, Reality Stars!

Going Through Crazy-Ass Bitch Withdrawal? We Prescribe "New York Goes To Hollywood"

"New York" Shows Her "Vagina"

5 Tips To Becoming A Reality Show Star

Stay Classyfied: Casting Handsome, Charming Playboy For Major Cable Reality Show

Jake Kalish — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 20:20:00 GMT

Are you a Beatty? Warren, not Ned...

Are you an "accomplished womanizer" who's ready to meet "the one"? Then this is for you...

CASTING: HANDSOME, CHARMING PLAYBOY FOR MAJOR CABLE REALITY SHOW (Los Angeles)

Reply to: job-hhhvm-1082567640@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-03-19, 1:38PM PDT

Looking for a handsome, charming, playboy to star in new reality show on major cable network.

Are you an accomplished womanizer w/ a million notches on your bedpost who is now feeling it might be time to find "the one"? If so, we're looking for you!

Send a recent photo, along with a description of why you're our perfect playboy, to the email address above. Include your age, height, weight, education level, favorite activities, and a description of your recent dating history (last 3 - 5 yrs).

This may be a huuuge break for the right guy... We look forward to hearing from you soon!

Location: Los Angeles
Compensation: possible LARGE prize
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 1082567640

PREVIOUSLY:

Stay Classyfied: Be An MTV VJ! Sort Of!

Stay Classyfied: Are You The Hot Guy With The Attitude, Look, And Hot Girl To Match?

Stay Classyfied: MTV Casting Call! Looking For HOT Couples!

Stay Classyfied: Looking For "Hot" Attractive, Single Females

Jake Kalish — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 17:35:00 GMT

These are tough times...

Are you a "hot" attractive single female interested in dating millionaires worldwide? Then you'll love this "new and unique" dating service which "may also become a Reality TV show", but is much more likely a prostitution ring...

Looking For “Hot” Attractive, Single Females (New York City-Nationwide)

Reply to: job-1052497649@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-02-27, 5:15AM EST

Looking for “Hot” attractive, single females who are interested in dating Millionaires’ worldwide. We are a new and unique dating service opening nationwide and want sexy women of all ethnic backgrounds. This project may also become a Reality TV show. There is NO cost to join for the women we choose. Only serious candidates should reply to this ad. We will be conducting interviews ASAP. If interested, email us your photo and contact info.

You can also mail us your photo and contact info. to:

Ms. Allen or Mr. Scalzi
9903 Santa Monica Blvd. #947
Beverly Hills, CA 90212

Location: New York City-Nationwide
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 1052497649

Friday The 13th Special: "Hot Girls In Scary Places"

Jake Kalish — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 21:14:00 GMT

Wow. Gotta love the directness of the title of this new E! Reality show, even as it insults our intelligence...

Hot Girls In Scary Places stars three USC cheerleaders who attempt to spend the night in a supposedly haunted abandoned hospital, in the hopes of winning 10 grand. That sounds like easy money, huh? Maybe not:

"They're totally scared and totally believe experiences they're going through," executive producer Gary Auerbach said.

Ah. They are dumb. Knew you were hiding something. Hot Girls In Scary Places will air Friday, March 13th as a pilot. If enough people watch, then presumably they will find more hot girls and more scary places.

Better idea for a show: Stupid Reality Show Producers In Dungeons With Cannibals. That, we'd be sure to watch.

Today in Terrible Ideas: Bravo's "Gossip Girl" Reality Show

Lindy Parker — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 19:00:00 GMT

File this one under: "It was just a matter of time." No sooner had the cast of The O.C. appeared on TRL, then we found ourselves ambushed by Laguna Beach, and The Real Housewives of Orange County. We feel like in this age of foregoing the original in favor of the built in audience, these kinds of reality ripoffs have become inevitable, but that doesn't make us less annoyed by them...

Gawker's take:

Hey good, sounds like just the thing for a new season of hating on rich high school kids and probably, for a lot of people, secretly being attracted to them, because TEEN SEX SELLS. Should be a good time for all and a perfectly healthy endeavor for the kids involved, particularly from the perspective of not turning them into egotistical media monsters who quickly become utterly unfit for life in the normal world, and ultimately crash and burn when the cameras stop trailing them and they realize the futility of their gain versus the epic nature of their loss—namely, the voluntary sacrifice of their souls. (Gawker)

Call us selfish, but we're less concerned about the participants souls, and more unnerved by the idea of living in a world where every artistic endeavor is eventually watered down to a infinitely less poignant "reality show" version of itself. Imagine if you will how atrocious a reality version of Pushing Daisies would be. We're just saying.

Three Dallas Cowboys Reality Shows Is Probably Two Too Many

Jake Kalish — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 20:33:00 GMT

VH1 has just greenlighted a show about what Terrell Owens does in the offseason. Which, to our understanding, is take his shirt off and search for cameras. This announcement after last week's news that Michael Irvin has a new reality show in which 12 contestants compete for the final spot on the Cowboys' training camp roster. Plus, there's Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making The Team, which is now entering its third season on CMT. Too much; Cowboys overload. Even if they are "America's Team."

What should happen now is these three reality shows should be forced to compete on a reality show, winner gets to stay on the air. Why would they agree to that? Because there should be a reality show about the making of the reality show about the competing reality shows. And that would air on CBS after the late Sunday afternoon NFL game, instead of 60 Minutes. We should be in programming.

PREVIOUSLY:

Michael Irvin's New NFL Reality Show Offers Contestants The Chance To Break Their Limbs

Jake Kalish — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 21:44:00 GMT

The former Cowboys star will have a reality show on Spike that will feature 12 contestants competing for the final spot on the Cowboys' training camp roster. Now, mind you, a spot on a team's training camp roster does not come with any sort of contract, other than about $1,000 a week until this guy gets cut from the team. Or put in the hospital. Seriously, unless this dude has great health insurance, he could lose money on this deal. Which should stop exactly no one:

I don't know if you can walk upon any group of guys that wouldn't say they dreamed of playing in the NFL when they were playing in their front yard," Irvin told The Associated Press on Thursday. "So we're going to take a group of guys from their front yard, dwindle them to one and give that guy the opportunity of a lifetime."

The show, which is brought to you by Jagermeister, will have six wide receivers and six defensive backs. Irvin wouldn't divulge exactly how these guys will compete, and the show, which will air in the spring, still doesn't have a name. To borrow from Idiocracy, we suggest Ow! My Balls.

PREVIOUSLY:

Our Football Archive

Head Of A Sex Toy Company Gets Her Own TLC Reality Show, "Mother Knows Sex"

Jake Kalish — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 20:33:00 GMT

And why wouldn't you want you want to watch a show about Patty Brisben, a "relationship enhancement" expert for whom sex toys are the family business?

Brisben is the founder and CEO of Pure Romance. Which is a sex toy - sorry, relationship enhancement - company. But far more than just selling relationship enhancers, Pure Romance encourages ladies to host parties at home. Parties that feature Pure Romance relationship enhancers. This is apparently a business model that works. Really, really well.

We're curious about Mother Knows Sex for so many reasons. Won't you check out the trailer with us?

The Real Housewives: "Naked Wasted"

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 20:30:00 GMT

Bravo’s The Real Housewives of Orange County regularly makes us want to laugh, whimper, or exfoliate our nether regions. But last night’s episode, “Naked Wasted,” pushed us over the edge. We actually shouted at the TV. We scared both our lovah and our cat. And it’s all because of the evil goblin heart, encased inside Tamra’s giant fake boobs…

Did anyone foresee Tamra’s evil plotting?

We’ll give credit to the Bravo editors, both for making us fall into their clever little world, and crafting a not-so-subtle, ironic arc for last night’s show: you see, Tamra was supposed to learn all about etiquette, i.e. proper behaviors. Which she immediately followed with her behaving in a catty, loathsome, awful way to her fellow human beings. We mean, more so than usual.

Last night’s “plot” followed three separate veins: newbie Lynne and her husband worry about their kids’ drinking (yawn); Vicki travels East to Chicago and is just as loud and annoying in the Windy City as she is in Orange County (though we heart her mom!); and…Tamra’s dinner party.

Tamra used to be the “hottest” housewife, but with this season’s introduction of Gretchen, she’s got major competition. Tamra’s solution is to label Gretchen a whorish gold digger. Sure, Gretch is young, hot, and engaged to a much older man with acute Leukemia. She flaunts her giant ring around his worried children. She appears shallow and easily distracted by shiny things. But — she also seems pretty devoted to her fiancé. Barring the cancer, we can’t see how her life situation is that much different from Tamra’s (married to a slightly older, wealthier man) or past wifey Lauri (married to a slightly older, much wealthier man).

We used to like Tamra, but this season she’s proving to be a downright despicable person. Good TV editing? Good acting? Or the truth?

Last night we first saw Tamra taking an etiquette lesson, because her continental husband Simon says he would never take her to “go see the Queen.” Throughout she made faces behind the poor instructor and was annoyed there was so much to learn. In her insightful commentary, she said of the poor woman: “I think Naomi was the perfect person to teach etiquette. She kinda had that stick-up-the-ass kinda look.”

Classy!

To celebrate her newly acquired etiquette, Tamra decided to throw a seven-course meal created by former Top Chef contestant, and featuring the tequila her hubby Simon is currently hawking. We felt bad when Simon took over the planning…but all our sympathy evaporated when, during the meal, Tamra grabbed Vicki, her partner-in-annoyance, and drunkenly plotted about Gretchen: “We going to get her wasted. Naked wasted.”

Naked wasted! The ultimate, as every fratboy knows.

Tamra explained her reasoning to the cameras: “Gretchen only wants you to see her in a good light. But there is a part of her that just is, like, a dark side. And I don’t know that if I trust her. I’m the type of person who believes in your actions, not your words, and she’s saying one thing and doing another.”

Just like being nice to her face, and than blatantly getting her trashed so that she embarrasses herself on national television? Bravo, Bravo editors – bravissimi!

Gretchen gets hammered. And who wouldn’t, if you weigh 97 pounds? It was like watching a bikini-clad scream queen wander into a creepy house asking, "Is anyone there?” Or watching that years’-old episode of America’s Next Top Model, when the dorky (and attached) former Walmart employee/contestant gets wasted and sleeps with an Italian model…and not one of her friends stopped her. Oh yeah, you know the one.

Lynne and Jeana try lamely to move some tequila shots out of Gretchen’s way, but she’s already in the drunken zone, emitting loud, orgasmic noises whenever she eats chocolate (who doesn’t do this), playing with her oversized breasts (we would too, if we had them), and admitting that she’s acting so crazy (and erotically sucking on halibut, we kid you not) to make up for “eight months of not getting any.”

The big, awful bizarre part – by the end of the meal, Tamra’s manwhore, 22-year-old son Ryan has swooped in. He’s sitting next to Gretchen, massaging her neck, rubbing her bare back, and letting her pet his spiky, gelled hair.

We were horrified. Granted, we are always horrified when Ryan’s onscreen. But this was beyond embarrassing: if he took advantage of Gretchen (and everyone let him), then it could end her engagement. It could, kinda, ruin her life. Sure, we all have to responsible for our own tequila intake – but the show moved from easy voyeurism into a sick clusterfuck with real consequences.

The show ends Lynne trying to take Gretchen home, but Tamra basically cock-blocking her. Then, a camera-person sneaks into a bedroom, and encounters a closed bathroom door. Gretchen and Ryan are on the other side, and we hear Gretchen say that she can’t kiss or hug Ryan, because she’s engaged to a “very nice” man. (Granted, not the most enthusiastic of statements.)

Then the Bravo editors tantalize us with Gretchen also saying that Ryan really turns her on…with a swift "To Be Continued" thrown onscreen!

So! Next week! Is the “you turn me on” sentence actually part of a longer declarative statement, in which Gretchen throws him out before puking on her shoes? Is it all a clever ruse on Bravo's part, and nothing happens? Or will this silicone-fueled fantasy world finally pop?

The Weekly Rewind: Playing Politics

Ben Kallen — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 21:50:00 GMT

When did the political process turn into the world's biggest reality show? Now the candidates have become so much a part of our daily entertainment, they might as well be on The Hills. We'll look back at them and much, much more, as we review the many highlights of the week.

We tried to figure out what makes David Spade such a stud with women, but couldn't do it.

We tried to warn 90210 star Shenae Grimes about what happened to former 90210 star Shannen Doherty. And hoped Donnie Wahlberg wouldn't turn into Tara Reid.

We imagined a Kanye West puppet show.

We watched as Robot Chicken spoofed Heroes. Then we watched Heroes, and wondered why Dr. Suresh reminded us of Jeff Goldblum.

We saw what would happen if William Shatner fought himself, and if Mr. Spock faced Dr. Spock. But when the old 90210 fought the new 90210, it was no contest.

We read about how Clay Aiken had come out as Clay Aiken.

We learned a ridiculous amount about '80s teen star Kirk Cameron. Go ahead, ask us anything.

We heard Will Ferrell's response to his fans, and a band's sweet, sweet Lost music, and Idol winner David Cook's retro new single.

We watched the Emmys, then recapped the Emmys, then boasted about predicting many of the winners. We appreciated Josh Groban's weirdly cool theme-song medley, and we really appreciated Mad Men's Christina Hendricks in her Emmy dress. And we enjoyed Jimmy Kimmel's Emmy-related musical number with Salma Hayek, mostly because it involved Salma Hayek.

We enjoyed Bill Clinton on Letterman, then enjoyed Chris Rock making fun of Bill Clinton on Letterman, then enjoyed Dave making fun of John McCain for not going on Letterman. We were dumbfounded by Katie Couric's interview with Sarah Palin, and by a certain phrase describing President Bush. We heard what Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert talk about when they start getting real. We heard the debates over the debate.

,,, And then we read Barack Obama's pep talk from President Bartlet. And then Chris Rock said this, and we were done for the week.

Previously:
The Weekly Rewind: Sex and the Country

Mystery And His Man-Goggles Return for Season Two of “The Pick-Up Artist”

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 20:24:00 GMT

Worst Halloween costume ever? No kids, it’s Mystery, the elusive “pick-up artist”/douchebag-you-kinda-maybe-would-sleep-with if you met him in real life (according to an un-scientific poll we just conducted among, um, three women).

Love him, hate him, want to knock those silly goggles off his damn forehead…either way, he’s back for a new season of VH1’s The Pick-Up Artist. Only this time—there’s a twist!

Sadly, it doesn’t involve goggles being twisted around Mystery's neck, as this promo shot shows.

No, this twist involves a lady wing-person. Or, “wing-girl.” (Why there are wing-men and then wing-girls, we don’t know. It’s probably akin to insulting a drunk woman so that she’ll make out with you.) We’ll let VH1 explain:

Based on the tremendous viewer response to the series The Pickup Artist, VH1 has once again teamed up with world renowned pickup guru Mystery to help guide nine new “socially awkward” students overcome their biggest fears - meeting women. As we saw last season, Mystery has developed a foolproof formula for these men to follow, whether they’re in a bar, club or coffee shop. Through his various teachings and in-the-field tests, Mystery will prepare these men with the skills they need to overcome their shyness and confidence issues in the real world.

The Pickup Artist 2 brings a new twist to the show, as Mystery and Season 1 wing-man and fellow pickup artist Matador are joined by new wing-girl Tara. Viewers may remember Tara as Season 1’s kissing coach. In this second season she will expand her role by adding a female perspective. Tara will serve as full time wing-girl to Mystery and act as a confidant for the contestants.

Set your DVR! The Pickup Artist 2 premieres on VH1 on Sunday, October 12 at 10:00 PM.

We’ll be waiting for Season 3, when maybe they’ll let an actual wing-woman join the cast…or when they finally televise Mystery getting kicked in the balls. You know it's happened...

Let's Go Visit Reality-TV School!

Ben Kallen — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 18:55:00 GMT

Yes, there is such a place. For just $139, the New York Reality TV School will teach you to be a more confident, exciting version of your boring ol' self, just so you can date a bachelor, survive on an island, suck up to Donald Trump, or get drunk and screw in an urban apartment.

The Today Show just visited this fine educational institution, and found a wide variety of actors and everyday famewhores looking to discover the magic formula for getting cast as a "real person" on one of these programs. (Our advice, free of charge: Be hot!)

So would you really want to spend money, and three hours of your precious time, to improve your chances of sleeping with Bret Michaels or Tila Tequila? Watch the video to find out.

Previously:
Joe, No! What Ever Happened to "Joe Schmo" and "Joe Millionaire"?
Top 7 Reality-Show Contestants Who Weren't There To Make Friends

"Big Brother": The Winner Is Revealed

Ben Kallen — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 18:25:00 GMT

After a long, kind of dull season of Big Brother, last night the jury of contestants got to choose between the last remaining players, pretty boy Memphis and nice-guy strategist Dan. Just in case you're saving the final episode on your DVR, we won't reveal the winner till after the jump:

It's Dan. Of course. The Michigan schoolteacher played a great game -- he changed his strategy when necessary, made friends and strong alliances, and only lied, broke promises and turned on allies when he absolutely had to.

He won by a unanimous vote over Memphis, the slick L.A. bartender -- sorry, "mixologist" -- who slipped through the show by making competing alliances with almost everybody. When Memphis tried to weasel out of his dirty tricks during the final question-and-answer session with the jury (while Dan, by contrast, impressed everyone with his honesty), that clinched things in Dan's favor.

So Dan wins half a million bucks and Memphis wins $50,000. The home viewers also got to vote an extra $25,000 to their favorite player, and they gave it to waitress Keesha, a beautiful blonde who was nice and kind of ditsy, and did we mention good-looking? Surprisingly, the second choice was 75-year-old Jerry, a tough old bird who turned out to be both foul-mouthed and mean-spirited, and not in a "funny grandpa" kind of way.

All in all, it was a slow few months for the voyeuristic reality show, with no great heroes or villains or interesting romances, but just a bunch of mildly annoying people playing games and occasionally yelling at each other. Of course, every year we vow not to watch -- but when next summer comes around and we're hot and bored and there's nothing else on, we're sure the whole vicious cycle will start all over again.

Previously:
A Haiku for the Return of Big Brother
Big Brother Contestants Totally Do It, Maybe

"The Rachel Zoe Project": Shutting Down the Killing Bananas

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 20:37:00 GMT

The Rachel Zoe Project premiered last night on Bravo, and — no — the biggest surprise of the evening wasn’t Rachel’s penchant for cutesy catch phrases (“Shut it down.” “She totally shut it down.” “Killing it.” “Bananas!”). Or her really, really, surprisingly bad hair. Or the moments of fragile humanity glimpsed at times beneath her oversized, overpriced sunglasses. (Did we mention her really bad hair?) No, the biggest surprise of the night was…

Her incredible assistant Taylor. And by incredible I mean: interesting. Entrancing. Strong. Great reality show contestant. Maybe the most evil coworker on the planet.

Taylor mentioned that she wasn’t hugged much as a child, and maybe that’s why she’s a complete, raving, snarking, horrible person. Or maybe she just knows how to make good TV. But we were horrified. And then kind of immediately fell in love with her.

Here’s a clip after Rachel, Taylor, and Rachel’s newest assistant Brad discover that the studio has been flooded. Witness Rachel’s (again surprising) nurturing (“It’s clothes — we’re not saving lives”). Witness Brad’s (not surprising) breakdown.

Witness Taylor.

What do you think: the best character to hit Bravo “reality” since Santino?

Friday Afternoon Cheesecake: Hoopz' Next Career Move

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:34:00 GMT

Remember Hoopz from Flavor of Love? Don't worry; apparently being one of Flavor Flav's girlfriends (?) isn't the career death knell you'd think it would be. Hoopz will be featured in a photo spread in the October issue of King magazine.

::sigh:: And yes. We have pictures, and there’s even a video with bursting balloons…Why the hell not, right? TGIF, motherchuckers.

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Check out more photos over at Bossip. And see in her action: video of the photo shoot right here.

Previously:
Flavor Flav: Lost His Virginity at Age Six, Played With Boogers Much Later in Life

Joe, No! What Ever Happened to "Joe Schmo" and "Joe Millionaire"?

Ben Kallen — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 21:21:00 GMT

There's a great article in the new Entertainment Weekly in which reporters interview a bunch of past reality-show participants about their experiences. And guess what? It turns out that on most of these shows, the "reality" is altered, shown out of context, even predetermined by the producers! (But you knew that part already.)

More to the point, you've probably been wondering what happened to the stars of The Joe Schmo Show and Joe Millionaire after their brushes with fame came to an end. Well, now we know that too, and it isn't pretty:

Matt Kennedy Gould, who eventually learned that the entire point of Spike TV's The Joe Schmo Show was to fool him into thinking he was on a "real" Big Brother-style contest, seemed to have a good sense of humor about the whole thing. But afterward, life wasn't so great:

"If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't do the show at all. Honestly, the show really made me feel dumb.... And after the show I got $100,000 and signed a development deal with Spike. I went to California, and I was supposed to do all this stuff, and I just didn't do it. I was so embarrassed about the whole premise of the show that I never wanted people to think, 'Oh, here's this guy who didn't even know the show was about him. It's a big joke, and now he's some reality star trying to be a TV host.' So I holed up in an apartment in Santa Monica, and spent a lot of the money on marijuana and alcohol. I lived there with a girl who broke up with me. The next day I flushed a half ounce of pot down the toilet, packed my car, came home to Pittsburgh, and I got help."

Meanwhile, the whole point of Fox's The Bachelor satire Joe Millionaire was to fool women into wanting to be with Evan Marriott because they thought he was rich, even though he wasn't. And since then, he hasn't done too well with the ladies:

"They needed a guy that was in construction but didn't have kids.... They said they would pay me $50,000, and I said, 'Where do I sign?' I wasn't looking for the love of my life. But I picked the best girl of the 20 they gave me to choose from. We got back to America and I've never seen the girl since, except for the reunion show.... It absolutely destroyed [my dating life]. I can't tell you how many numbers I get where the girl doesn't want to date, she just wants to have me call so she can tell her friends, 'Oh, that guy Evan Marriott — because he did that to those girls — I blew him off when he called for a date.' "

The moral of these stories? Don't ever go on a reality show. Unless, of course, you want to be famous for doing nothing, and make a lot of money without working. But how many people like that can there possibly be?

Photo of Evan Marriott: Entertainment Weekly

Previously:
Video Weekend: Top 7 Reality-Show Contestants Who Weren't There To Make Friends

Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:32:00 GMT

Nothing airbrushed here, folks…

In utterly shocking news, Rock of Love 2 “winner” Ambre Lake and Bret Michaels didn’t make it work. He’s too busy, see, for a relationship. Touring, and not a fear of intimacy with a woman anywhere near his age, keep him from making a true commitment. But VH1 has found the perfect solution: don’t take Bret away from his madcap, rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle. Bring the ladies to the lifestyle!

And thus we have “Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.” Because the only thing sexier than fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk in a McMansion, is fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk on a tour bus. We can smell it now! And, yes, we’re excited.

“Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels takes contestants out of the mansion and on the road in true rock star style. This season will feature all-new ladies vying for Bret’s affection while traveling across America following Bret on a month-long tour. The contestants will face new challenges to see if they can handle the rock star life on the road,” explains the VH1 press release.

“This time as the bus pulls into each new city, the girls will engage in challenges specifically revolving around Bret’s life on the road. Whether it’s greeting aggressive groupies with a smile, enduring grueling schedules, dodging the advances of the warm-up band or even stepping in last-minute to fill in for delinquent roadies – these girls will be put to the test. This season, as the Rock of Love Bus heads into America’s heartland, the show will be taking the viewer to a whole new level with crazy, fun, over-the-top challenges- imagine Truck Stop Olympics or a dance contest on top of the St. Louis Arch or even a BBQ cook-off beneath the World’s Largest Thermometer. And also, back by popular demand…Mud Bowl 3. Americana at it’s finest!”

Indeed.

Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels is scheduled to premiere in early 2009. Get your bandanas ready!

Previously:
Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess

"Brooke Knows Best," But How Does the Hulk Know If You’re Gay Enough?

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 19:29:00 GMT

Just can’t wait until Sunday’s premiere of the new VH1 reality show, Brooke Knows Best? (I know, who can?) Well, lucky you: VH1 is streaming the first episode online. And though we don’t think Brooke knows best about anything, she did manage to snag herself an amazing first apartment. And she knows enough to tell her dad he can’t be one of her roommates.

We do meet her actual roommate, Glenn. We are also introduced to the paranoid-as-hell aspect of her Hulk-Daddy, who lectures Brooke on the dangers of city living (men could rappel into her hot tub!). His paranoia extends to Glenn, a family friend who is gay. But now that Glenn’s living with his daughter, the Hulk is worried that Glen may not be able to resist his daughter’s heterosexual wiles. So he sits him down for a little chat…

“Dude, you know, you’re like family to us. We trust you. But I mean, you’re gay—which is cool—you know, I mean, there’s no big deal here. I mean, a bunch of my best wrestler friends are gay. You know, but I mean, is there like a weird gray area where…you don’t go between men and women?”

Apparently the Hulk's "bunch" of "best wrestler friends" also taught him something about a "gay barometer." And he wants to see how Glenn measures up…

Previously:
"Brooke Knows Best" About... What, Exactly?

The Baby Borrowers: It’s Not Reality Television, It’s Birth Control

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 17:32:00 GMT

That’s the show’s tagline…and for us, at least, it’s working! If you haven’t started watching NBC’s The Baby Borrowers, we highly suggest you start. It’s crazy, it’s entertaining, and it’s the rare reality show which invites you to watch other people’s suffering (a reality show standard) but also makes you feel good about it. Think you’re an awful person because you like it when Tyra trounces one of her aspiring-model underlings? Or think your significant other is going to Hell when they giggle as an America’s Got Talent contestant’s hopes and dreams are crushed by the Hoff?

Not so with The Baby Borrowers, because the entire premise—lend some teenage couples some babies—is designed to make said teenage couples feel absolutely, critically awful. The purpose is to make the teens’ lives a living hell, so that they in fact will choose to wait before they have kids of their own. So go ahead, feel good about your glee at their anxiety, breakdowns, and tears: we’re all making the world a better place!

So, last night was the third episode in the new series. The first two were devoted entirely to the actual babies—the five teen couples moved into a disturbing idyllic and new development (nothing like the smell of urban sprawl in the morning!) and were then handed months’-old infants for three days. Now, don’t worry: the teens aren’t actually left alone with the infants (and, um, camera crews). At all times “professional nannies” watch over the children (all the nannies are, suspiciously, incredibly hot, young and blond)…though they only intervene if the children’s safety is at risk. Pooping on the floor, peeing on the couch, and throwing up for hours? Not a problem.

The parents are all across the street in other brand-spankin’-new homes, watching the teen couples via video monitor. The teens spend three days with the babies, and during the work week, one teen must stay home and watch the kids, while the other goes to “work.”

The show opens with a lengthy explanation, basically stating all of the above…but also features a hilarious week-by-week rundown. The first three days: babies! (You are treated to a vision of a troop of parents wheeling and carrying their tiny tots down the cul-de-sac.) Next: toddlers! (Running, screaming, laughing babies down the cul-de-sac.) Next: preteens…and their siblings, and their pets! (Screaming girls in a bedroom, and…an iguana?). And finally, because a few teen couples might still be left standing: they will care for the elderly. (Troop of old people walking their walkers slowly down the cul-de-sac, plus one silver-haired fox riding a reclining bike).

Last night the couples had to deal with toddlers, none of whom were potty trained. We had kids pooping in their pants. We had kids peeing on sofas. We had teenage couples gagging and hosing off white throw rugs in the backyard. We had Remote Island staffers running to the condom aisle.

The surprise twist of the night was not when Morgan dragged her toddler across the floor (we're seriously waiting for her to just let the kids drive, or something)...

No, the big shocker was cute-pie Texan couple Sasha and Jordan. Up until now, they’d come across as the one couple who were actually mature enough to handle having kids now. They communicate wonderfully, obviously adore each other, and support each other when one is feeling downtrodden. But Sasha’s perfectionism got the better of her. Her mother was a foster parent, so Sasha was used to taking care of children. But she just couldn’t get her toddler to…well…stop being a Terrible Two. She did her best (and you never feared for the child’s safety, unlike with Alicea and Cory, or Morgan and Daton; those four are messy, messy kids. And we mean mentally). But the toddler’s mom gave an honest critique at the end of the show: that they just didn’t know how to calm her child down.

Holy hell: sweet Sasha lost her shit. She got up in the middle of the interview, tossed pillows, tossed her finger around, and then ended up crying in the backyard (they are only teens, after all). It was shocking, however. I mean, two full previous episodes…you think you know someone.

The cliffhanger: will Sasha pack it all up, and go home? We hope not, we bet not, but then again…it’s reality television. Anything can happen. Even the elderly.

Here’s a recap of last night’s episode. It really doesn’t capture how much pooing there was:

Flavor Flav: Lost His Virginity at Age Six, Played With Boogers Much Later in Life

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 21:24:00 GMT

We all the Flav from Flavor of Love (and some of us even remember Public Enemy), but what makes the man behind the giant clock necklaces tick?

Complex interviewed Flavor Flav, about shit-on-crackers, boogers-on-burgers, and how Flav lost his virginity at age six…Do you believe him? (Then again, why would he make this up?)

Here are some tasty nuggets from Joe La Puma’s Q&A with the one, the only, the barbequeist Flavor Flav:

Complex: What would you consider to be your superpower?
Flavor Flav: What do I consider to be my superpower? God. God is my superpower. The Lord Jesus Christ the savior. The creator of the universe. He gives me the power to have a crazy personality that’s a lot different from everybody else’s.

Complex: So what’s the best trick you ever played on someone?
Flavor Flav: The best trick I ever played on someone was putting tacks on my teacher’s seat, and when she came to chase me out the class I had a string over the door, I jumped over the string, and she tripped over it and fell in the hallway. She fucked her face on the wall.

Complex: How much trouble you get in for that one?
Flavor Flav: Honestly, I got suspended for three weeks. And my mom beat me when I got home.

Complex: What was the worst trick someone ever played on you?
Flavor Flav: Umm, the worst trick someone ever played on me was when someone put a booger in my hamburger and I ate it.

Complex: How you find out?
Flavor Flav: Nah, I’ll tell you the truth okay… For the person that put the booger on my hamburger, I got him back by taking some dog shit and putting it on the Ritz Crackers and he ate that shit.

Complex: [Laughs] So was he tight?
Flavor Flav: Was he pissed? He was shitted for reals! (Laughs) Yea, forreal G. He put a booger on my hamburger so I got him with thinking peanut butter cookie sandwich it was dog shit.

Complex: Speaking of food, I guess, What’s your favorite food to barbecue?
Flavor Flav: My favorite food to barbecue is ribs, and chicken. And shrimp! Ribs, chicken, and shrimps! And I like barbeque my steaks! Oh man~~~ Come on! I’m one of the best barbequeist in the world.

Complex: What’s your most prized possession?
Flavor Flav: My most prized possession right now is a coo-coo clock that was made for me over in Switzerland. When we were over in Switzerland, they made a Flav Coo-Coo clock. And when it strikes three o’clock you got little Flav that comes out and say “YeahhhhhBoy! YeahhhhhBoy!”

Complex: Whom do you have beef with?
Flavor Flav: I don’t have beef with nobody. I eat pork.

Complex: Where did you lose your virginity?
Flavor Flav: Where did I lose my virginity? I lost my virginity in the bushes on a box.

Complex: Really?
Flavor Flav: Yea, in the bushes on a box. A girl and me were having sex on a box in the bushes, in some big tall bushes.

Complex: How uh…when was this?
Flavor Flav: This was when I was real, real, real, real, young.

Complex: Like elementary school? Or middle school?
Flavor Flav: Nah, I’m a tell you the truth; I lost my virginity when I was 6 years old.

Complex: Really?
Flavor Flav: Yea, man. Because you know we learned to have done the nasty back in the days, and me and this girl we experiment, we were experimenting, and my little joint got hard, I penetrated for about a few seconds.

Complex: I respect that. Early start my man.
Flavor Flav: That’s right early start and guess what and I have a great finish right now. [Laughs] Yessir!

[Complex]

Ashley Alexandra Dupré Developing Her Own Reality TV Show!

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 17:32:00 GMT

She is! Or maybe she isn’t! Or maybe she’ll be…the next Tila Tequila?

Would that be a step down from high-priced call girl?

E! News has learned exclusively that the former high-priced prostitute at the center of the Eliot Spitzer scandal is developing a cable reality series and is considering moving from New York to Los Angeles.

When contacted by E! News, a rep for Dupré declined to comment, only saying, "She has no TV deal.” Her rep would not address specifically whether she's developing a series.

A source tells E! News, however, that Dupré, 23, has been developing an unscripted show with production execs at L.A.-based Handprint Entertainment, the same company that has managed the careers of reality icons Nicole Richie and Pamela Anderson.

One of the concepts being considered is a dating format.

"They're talking to MTV about Ashley being the next Tila Tequila," says a source close to the project. (Handprint execs couldn't be reached for comment on the project; MTV declined comment.)

News of Dupré's reality-TV aspirations comes less than a week after she abandoned her lawsuit against Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis.

We say go for it all: 4 p.m. talk show, opposite Oprah and Ellen. Just don’t do anything with Flavor Flav, girl!

Previously on Scanner:

Ashley Alexandra Dupre has decided to drop her $10M lawsuit against Joe "Boobies" Francis
Hey Ash, Long Time, No See (And Nice Tat!)
Ex-Hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupre Speaks Out
Get Your Ashley Alexandra Dupre Drink On
Ashley Alexandra Dupre: The Last Nude Hurrah

[E! Online]

Brigitte Nielsen To Go Under The Knife For New German Reality Series

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:27:00 GMT

Did we mention she’d be awake the entire time, as well? Not that it’s a surprise: once you’ve made out with Flavor Flav and gone to rehab on television, what else is left to do?

Of course, Brigitte claims she has a higher purpose in airing her cellulite removal, and we kind of believe her (she was so cute without makeup in Celebrity Rehab): "The secrecy in Hollywood is annoying. You can see that the stars do not age naturally. It's not right that the fans, the normal women, are lied to.” Spiegel reports:

It won't be the first time the model and actress Brigitte Nielsen has gone under the knife, but it will be the first time millions of TV viewers will be able to watch the procedures.

Sylvester Stallone's ex-wife will have numerous plastic surgeries performed on her, and all the while a TV crew will film the operations for a three-part program to be broadcast on German TV channel RTL.

Nielsen, 44, said she hoped the show would break taboos around plastic surgery, the AP reported. "I know I am the first female celebrity in the world who has allowed herself to be filmed like that in an operating theater. I know I will be breaking a taboo. But I'm sure that it will provoke a new discussion. It's time things change. I feel 30 and want to look that way again."

Brigitte is going in for “a complete renewal,” including facelift, eyelift, fat injections in her face, liposuction, a breast lift and new teeth. And don’t worry — if you don’t have access to German television, you can check out her new bod in the December issue of Playboy.

We aren’t sure what’s more extensive: Brigitte’s planned surgeries, or the show’s title. Aus alt mach neu: Brigitte Nielsen in der Promi-Beautyklinik ("Making new out of old: Brigitte Nielsen in the celebrity clinic") will premiere July 13.

[Spiegel Online]

Photo: Abaca Press

TV Critics' Smackdown: "Lost" Good, "Moment of Truth" Bad

Ben Kallen — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 15:33:00 GMT

TV Week has come out with its semiannual poll of TV critics' favorite and least-favorite shows, this time from the first half of 2008. And while most of the results were just what you'd expect, there are a few things worth arguing about.

Here are the 10 best shows, according to the critics:

1. Lost

2. The Wire

3. 30 Rock

4. The Office

5. Friday Night Lights

6. House

7. Battlestar Galactica

8. Breaking Bad

9. John Adams

10. In Treatment

And the 10 worst:

1. The Moment of Truth

2. The Return of Jezebel James

3. Quarterlife

3. (tie) Living Lohan

5. Big Brother

5. (tie) Cashmere Mafia

7. Secret Talents of the Stars

7. (tie) Farmer Wants a Wife

9. American Idol

9. (tie) According to Jim

It would be hard to disagree with the bulk of these top-10 shows. Sure, Lost was uneven, but the season as a whole was fantastic. So were most of the other series the critics loved. (Okay, John Adams was -- let's face it -- a bit of a bore. And we might have moved Breaking Bad down the list a little, maybe to make room for How I Met Your Mother.)

As for the bottom 10: The Return of Jezebel James was an interesting experiment by talented people that didn't work, unfortunately. Quarterlife was a worthwhile attempt to see if people would watch Web content on TV. (The answer: Not if it consists of whiny slackers with boring problems.)

As for the reality shows that make up the majority of the worst list: Well, the whole point of these programs is that they're trashy, right? If they were any good, they wouldn't be any good. (TV Week quotes Fox reality honcho Mike Darnell as saying he was relieved when he heard that the critics hated The Moment of Truth. "Generally speaking, if you have a critically acclaimed reality show, it’s not a big hit.") And while American Idol is on the worst list, it's number 20 on the best list, too, so we'll call that one even.

Then there's the strange case of According to Jim.... Millions of people are watching it, so that must mean something, right? And someday, we hope to meet one of them.

The full list is here (PDF file).

Photo: ABC

Previously:
Lost? It's Complicated

Farmer Wants a Wife? We Want More!

"The Next Food Network Star" Confirms What We Always Suspected: Rachael Ray Is Terrifying

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 19:31:00 GMT

And, the Food Network hates young people!

Okay, we’re not serious (about the “hating young people” part, at least). But The Next Food Network Star judge/network VP Bob Tuschman will not lay off young (energetic, super-cute and skilled) contestant Kelsey. He’s constantly picking apart her “young” demeanor (she’s too cute, too smiley, her voice is too high)…whereas 18-year-old contestant Shane, according to Bob, comes “across as older than Kelsey.” It’s interesting that Bob thinks Shane appears so much older and more mature; it’s not just because he’s, um, taller and a dude, is it Bob?

These questions and more were highlighted in last night’s competition, wherein the five remaining contestants facing two formidable foes: Rachael Ray, and the Girl Scouts of America. Both cute on the surface, but potentially deadly in a cooking competition…

If you’re not familiar with the show, The Next Food Network Star is a reality show wherein aspiring chefs compete to earn their own cooking show on the Food Network. It’s similar to Project Runway in that it’s fun to watch a group of talented people attempt to actually create something with limited time constraints. But as far as the whole “star” as an end result goes, well, last year’s winner, Guy Fieri, did get that sweet-ass commercial deal with ~~Applebee’s~~ Friday's…

Last night the finalists were surprised to find that they would be working in teams…with an 8-year-old Girl Scout as their team partner. They then were asked to find a healthy meal that would please their Girl Scout, and then (another surprise!) demo the meal in four minutes—live—on The Rachael Ray Show.

I’m not saying the contestants didn’t have reason to be nervous. We have friends who rely on imported Brazilian muscle relaxants when they have to go onstage (just half a tablet, though!). So we felt for the contestants as they struggled with cooking, kids, and Rachael’s live studio audience. Plus, there’s the whole their-lifetime’s-hopes-and-dreams-riding-on-this-one-shot aspect to content with, as well.

But who the hell knew Rachael Ray could be so intimidating? Aaron actually did well, after his first twenty seconds—where he turned his back to the audience to make sure his Girl Scout washed her hands first. Dude, she’s not a puppy. She wasn’t eating her own poo backstage. Get to the cooking!

Which he then did, charming the audience and Rachael with his floury kisses, and making what looked like one helluva broccoli and hamburger pizza. Mmm. Rachael liked it so much she dusted flour on her own cheeks. Mmm?

Adam consistently wows the judges with his charming personality, but he’s never yet created a dish they’ve liked. (Hello, Food Network?) He easily charmed Rachael, and came off as flirtatious and fun…and the judges actually liked his BBQ chicken pita.

But Kelsey lost it. She tried to appear authoritative, and so asked Rachael to make her eggs for her…which then resulted in a ticked off Rachael asking, “And what are you going to be doing while I’m doing your job?” Awkward moment! Which we live for in shows like America’s Next Top Model, but here it just made Rachael seem bitchy…and Kelsey froze for a second, before giggling helplessly.

The fierce, nearly too-perfect Lisa also choked, which we totally didn’t expect. She came on strong—and likeable—no small feat for perfectionist Lisa. But Rachael Ray’s exuberance somehow acted like kryptonite on Lisa’s hard, shellacked shell. She stopped talking, and even with Rachael gently prodding her, she just managed to stir shit while making this face:

Awful! Plus, no one believed for a second that her Girl Scout partner requested couscous.

And finally, Shane came out…and totally ignored his Girl Scout partner. In fact, he forgot her name (awkward again!) and though his food looked good, his presentation was clinical and rather boring.

But it was at Judging that he really lost it. Shane wants to have his own show about French cooking…but it was just last night when the judges asked him if he’d ever actually been to France. The answer would be: he’s read about France. He’s studied France. But no, he’s never set his cute little American soles on actual French soil. And this just came out now?

And so, it was au revoir Shane…

So far the tension and the cooking haven’t been that high-octane. This is no Top Chef. But we’re hoping, as it gets down to the final four, that they’ll turn the heat up.

Next week’s show looks promising…it’s a Throwdown in Vegas, baby!

‘The Bachelorette’: What Went Wrong?

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:24:00 GMT

...Besides the entire premise of the show, we mean. Well kids, tonight’s the night! Bachelorette DeAnna takes her final three—Jason, Jeremy, and Jesse—on a tropical island adventure. We can’t wait to see if Jesse really turns down DeAnna’s invitation to spend the night…the previews made us think he wants to wait until he meets her father. But who knows! Anything can happen in the wild and unruly word of “reality” television.

Before we embark upon the sun, sand, and smarm-filled final dates, however, we thought we’d take a look back at those who went before the three J’s. Someone actually sat their ass down and transcribed words of wisdom from the booted suitors. And so we present to you, in the dudes' own words, “What Went Wrong”…

Previously:
Last Night: The Bachelorette Breakdown!
“The Bachelorette” Boys Wear Ellen DeGeneres’ Underwear
The Bachelorette: Trista And Ryan Not Divorcing, Claim Trista And Ryan

[Yahoo]

New ABC Shows Tonight: ‘Wipeout’ A Blatant Rip-Off (Of Yet Another Show)?

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 21:16:00 GMT

ABC’s Wipeout, which premieres tonight, will boast “24 daring new contestants of all ages, shapes and sizes [who] will go head to head through four rounds of grueling and physically demanding but wildly hilarious obstacle courses to win the title of Wipeout Champion and the grand prize of $50,000.” The trailer above doesn’t show anything “wildly hilarious” yet. In fact, the whole thing seems strangely reminiscent of a certain Japanese game show… [Ed.: We know what you're thinking, but no, Remote Nicole is referring to a whole other game show than the one we mentioned previously... What is with ABC?]

First Iron Chef, and MXC, and now…Ninja Warrior! As always, it’s the fabulous commentators that just don’t translate:

Of course, if bringing the show to America doesn’t quite work, you can always bring the American contestants to the Japanese game show. We’re actually a little excited for tonight’s premiere of I Survived a Japanese Game Show. Turn off your brains and enjoy the ride…

Our Feelings for Denise Richards: Complicated, Indeed

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 19:29:00 GMT

Dammit, we’re not soulless bastards. Last night’s Denise Richards: It’s Complicated clinched it. We would totally get into bed with Denise…

…and hug her cute little blonde munchkin children, while crying about their dearly departed Grandma. Dammit, E! We know the entire purpose of the show is to make Denise more likeable (yeah, yeah, to tell “her side of the story”). We resisted her cute potty-mouth. We tried not to cheer when she lost her cool and called a tabloid journalist a c*nt (and we don’t even like that word. Too, too much.).

But…dead grandmas? Angel-bears made out of dead grandma’s jeans? We can’t take it!

We kinda teared up last night. And we hate to say it: but last night’s heartfelt episode of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated actually felt like reality. Maybe one of the most “real” moments we’ve seen on television in a long time.

Yes, saying that about this show makes us puke in our mouths. A lot. And even this clip of angel-bears is a bit smarmy, on its own. But when Denise, her sister and her dad went to her parents’ home to clean out the belongings, it was one of the only moments of “reality” TV that was totally, sadly relatable. No one talks about death on E!

Please. We can’t take it. Just go back to spray-tanning Denise’s million dollar ass next week, and the universe will make sense again.

The Remote Island : reality television

"Real Housewives" Real Cat Fight: Kelly Besimon v. Bethenny Frankel [VIDEO]

Collision Course: "Rock of Love Bus" Drives Adult Entertainment Into the Mainstream

Previously:

"Keep It Together, Dad": Mel and Mike White Come to the End of Their "Amazing Race"

Tiffany "New York" Pollard Gets Her Gajillionth VH1 Reality Show

Stay Classyfied: Casting Handsome, Charming Playboy For Major Cable Reality Show

CASTING: HANDSOME, CHARMING PLAYBOY FOR MAJOR CABLE REALITY SHOW (Los Angeles)

Stay Classyfied: Looking For "Hot" Attractive, Single Females

Looking For “Hot” Attractive, Single Females (New York City-Nationwide)

Friday The 13th Special: "Hot Girls In Scary Places"

Today in Terrible Ideas: Bravo's "Gossip Girl" Reality Show

Three Dallas Cowboys Reality Shows Is Probably Two Too Many

Michael Irvin's New NFL Reality Show Offers Contestants The Chance To Break Their Limbs

Head Of A Sex Toy Company Gets Her Own TLC Reality Show, "Mother Knows Sex"

The Real Housewives: "Naked Wasted"

The Weekly Rewind: Playing Politics

Mystery And His Man-Goggles Return for Season Two of “The Pick-Up Artist”

Let's Go Visit Reality-TV School!

"Big Brother": The Winner Is Revealed

"The Rachel Zoe Project": Shutting Down the Killing Bananas

Friday Afternoon Cheesecake: Hoopz' Next Career Move

Joe, No! What Ever Happened to "Joe Schmo" and "Joe Millionaire"?

Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus

And thus we have “Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.” Because the only thing sexier than fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk in a McMansion, is fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk on a tour bus. We can smell it now! And, yes, we’re excited.

Previously: Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess

"Brooke Knows Best," But How Does the Hulk Know If You’re Gay Enough?

The Baby Borrowers: It’s Not Reality Television, It’s Birth Control

Flavor Flav: Lost His Virginity at Age Six, Played With Boogers Much Later in Life

Ashley Alexandra Dupré Developing Her Own Reality TV Show!

Brigitte Nielsen To Go Under The Knife For New German Reality Series

TV Critics' Smackdown: "Lost" Good, "Moment of Truth" Bad

"The Next Food Network Star" Confirms What We Always Suspected: Rachael Ray Is Terrifying

‘The Bachelorette’: What Went Wrong?

New ABC Shows Tonight: ‘Wipeout’ A Blatant Rip-Off (Of Yet Another Show)?

Our Feelings for Denise Richards: Complicated, Indeed

Previously:
Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess