The Remote Island : sex

TV Makes Kids Have Sex?

Jake Kalish — Wed, 06 May 2009 21:35:00 GMT

That's what a new study says:

Early onset of sexual activity among teens may relate to the amount of adult content children were exposed to during their childhood, according to a new study released by Children's Hospital Boston. Based on a longitudinal study tracking children from age six to eighteen, researchers found that the younger children are exposed to content intended for adults in television and movies, the earlier they become sexually active during adolescence. The findings are being presented at the Pediatric Academic Societies meetings on Monday, May 4 in Baltimore.

"Television and movies are among the leading sources of information about sex and relationships for adolescents," says Hernan Delgado, MD, fellow in the Division of Adolescent/Young Adult Medicine at Children's Hospital Boston and lead author of the study. "Our research shows that their sexual attitudes and expectations are influenced much earlier in life."

The study consisted of 754 participants, 365 males and 389 females, who were tracked during two stages in life: first during childhood, and again five years later when their ages ranged from 12 to 18-years-old. At each stage, the television programs and movies viewed, and the amount of time spent watching them over a sample weekday and weekend day were logged. The program titles were used to determine what content was intended for adults. The participants' onset of sexual activity was then tracked during the second stage.

According to the findings, when the youngest children in the sample--ages 6 to 8-years-old--were exposed to adult-targeted television and movies, they were more likely to have sex earlier when compared those who watched less adult-targeted content. The study found that for every hour the youngest group of children watched adult-targeted content over the two sample days, their chances of having sex during early adolescence increased by 33 percent. Meanwhile, the reverse was not found to be true–that is, becoming sexually active in adolescence did not subsequently increase youth's viewing of adult-targeted television and movies.

Okay, but:

"It seems to me that this correlation may have more to do with uninvolved parents than with TV," writes Hannah Tennant-Moore in a Babble column reporting on the study. "Any six-year-old who is allowed to watch several hours of adult television in a day is not likely to have parents who will talk to him or her about sex later in life."

Tennant-Moore adds: "I'm certainly no fan of the majority of mainstream television--particularly not as entertainment for six-year-olds--but it would be much easier, and perhaps more effective, to raise awareness about the need for parents to openly discuss healthy sexual behavior with their kids than it would be to substantially shift the entire foundation of popular culture."

Amen, Hannah Tennant-Moore. Mostly, though, we're creeped out by all the pervy scientists watching kids have sex. What's that? They didn't watch? So what's the proof? Surveys? Oh, that's good. No one ever lies about sex.

PREVIOUSLY:

TV Makes You Less Lonely?

TV Makes You Drink?

TV Makes You Depressed?

"Fringe": Can The Crackling Tension And Girl-on-Girl Action Last? Please?

Bryan Christian — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 14:28:00 GMT

Could it be that Hollywood hack Akiva Goldsman is responsible for one of the best episodes of Fringe so far? Maybe so. The secret: get somewhere with the backstory, mix in a bunch of references to Japanese splatter movies, toss in a light sauce of lady/stripper sex, and voila!

Click through for a few notes -- and a pic of what happens a few frames after the one above!

OK, well, Remote Chenda is off Coachellaing so we're not going to be getting into this episode as deeply as she might, but we'll just say, to our unending surprise: we hope Akiva Goldsman sticks around, because last night's episode balanced menace, comedy, and mytharc just about perfectly. Normally any episode with Olivia piggybacking a dude's mind while he had sex with a stripper would be enough for us, obvs, but there's so much more to like than that: the opening scene was nicely creepy, not to mention a little sad; we actually managed to learn a teeny bit more about Olivia's childhood and her apparent connection with the ZFT; THEY BROUGHT BACK THE ZFT, which we were not sure they would get back to... all that AND we finally got a lissen of Leonard Nimoy as William Bell. And don't get us started on Walter's reaction to someone jumping off a building when Olivia was supposed to be saving them: "I hope Olivia meant to do that," right after BOOM, this poor bystander lands on the top of a car, Die Hard-style. That is some black, black humor, Fringe! We like!

Hey, while we're thinking about the ZFT: we're beginning to think that this whole ZFT/The Pattern thing is basically going to play out like The Dharma Initiative/The Others. As in: we thought at first that they were the same thing, but now actually it seems that they're revealing themselves to be the two forces at war with each other. Did everyone else already get this? Are we just slow on the uptake? Whatevs. We're too happy about this week's ep to even care.

Heck, we don't even mind that fully 2/3rds of the death scenes were kind of ripped off of the classic J-splatter flick Suicide Club:

Any chance we'll get a Battle Royale-themed ep next? Or, um, do they just call that "Lost"?

Collision Course: "Rock of Love Bus" Drives Adult Entertainment Into the Mainstream

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 04:01:00 GMT

By Steve Almond

During an early episode of Rock of Love Bus (RoLB), the latest installment of VH1’s reality-TV franchise, the former Poison front man Bret Michaels takes four of his prospective soul mates on a "special date" — to a strip club called Big Al’s.

The girls are hooted onstage to perform, but one of them, Beverly, refuses to shake her moneymaker for the assembled mob. A confused Bret takes Beverly aside to find out what’s wrong. "I’ve got three kids at home and honestly I’m worried about what their friends are going to see," she tells him.

As the father of two daughters, Bret assures Beverly that he understands. To the TV audience, he takes a slightly different tack. "I’m not asking her to do anything she doesn’t wanna do," he explains earnestly, "but right now, I gotta be honest: she’s being a little bit of a buzz kill."

Those unfamiliar with the charms of RoLB — whose finale airs this Sunday, April 11, on VH1 — might expect this to be the moral nadir of the episode. They would be wrong.

A few minutes later, we are treated to an interview with another of his dates, a troubled soul named Brittaney. "I’m not ashamed that I was a producer and director of porn. What I did was, you know, empower women," she informs us, apropos of nothing. "It’s not that I’m ashamed of my past," she adds, her voice now cracking. "But it’s in the past and now I’m a different person. I want to have a family."

The images being flashed on-screen during this heartfelt confession include a drunken Brittaney writhing on her back and simulating sex acts with another stripper. Ah, the rituals of courtship on VH1! You must expose your heart and your labia.

But I bring all this up not simply to deride the molten and shameless exploitation of the reality-TV genre. That's pretty much its bread and butter. No, what fascinates me about this season's RoLB is that it has shattered the barrier between mainstream television and the porn industry.

I should preface this by noting that I've watched all three editions of Rock of Love, online no less. (I could blame this on my wife, who watches the program religiously. The truth, as we shall see, is more damning.)

Some quick context, then. The inaugural season of Rock of Love offered the sort-of-believable-for-reality-TV premise that Bret Michaels — one-time heavy metal heartthrob turned middle-aged hair-extender — was looking for true love. VH1 rounded up twenty-five women, put them in a mansion with free booze, and let the cameras roll. Back in those innocent days, the "bad girl" was Heather — a professional stripper! She lost out in the end to designated "good girl" Jess.

This is how the producers tend to orchestrate things on RoL. They set up showdowns between "good girls" (who don't work in the sex industry) and "bad girls" (who do). Bret chooses the "good girl" in the end, which helps foster the illusion — so crucial to the entire reality-TV genre — that the star is truly seeking love, rather than pimping a sagging career.

This illusion has been tossed out the window on RoLB. Bret mouths a few platitudes about "getting to know" the girls, as he kisses and gropes and beds them. But there's no real feeling on the show. It is, in this sense, eerily like a porn film. This should come as no great surprise, given that nearly half of this season's cast are sex workers. Here's how sad it is: when the insufferable Taya claims, "I'm a centerfold model for Penthouse, and I'm the classiest one here," she's right.

Of course, shows like RoL are designed to bring out the worst in people. But this year's version, lacking even a hint of eroticism, has relied on physical and emotional violence for drama. The highlight of most episodes is a physical altercation between two women, which is replayed a minimum of six times, usually in slow motion. In this sense, the program has managed to channel the dark heart of most hetero porn, which is not about the pleasures of physical congress, but the sexual humiliation of women. RoLB — along with its skeezy brethren — offers viewers the inherent sadism of porn, minus the stigma. Instead of watching young, emotionally unstable women straddling cocks, we watch them digging through dumpsters, writhing in mud, punching each other, and vomiting in hotel rooms. Think of it as spiritual bukkake.

For years, of course, the adult industry has been looking for ways to infiltrate mainstream culture, where the big advertising dollars are. Reality TV has simply proved the best available beachhead. Not only has it become a developmental league for porn stars — several RoL alums have used their platform to venture into porn — but producers have been quick to pounce on ideas that exploit the allure of porn. Perhaps the most brazen example is My Bare Lady, a British show in which four porn stars are given formal training for the stage and forced to compete.

But just as reality TV has embraced the tropes of porn, so, too, has porn sought a reality makeover. Gone are the stilted scripts and nurse costumes. For some years now, porn's been dominated by low-budget "gonzo" productions, in which the idea is to stage sex scenes as if they were being conducted spontaneously by "amateurs" — that guy in the van who just happens to roll with his camera man, and that anorexic chick in the parking lot who just happens to have breasts the size of small babies and no gag reflex. Even the Adult Video News has had to acknowledge the rise of reality porn, by adding two new categories to its annual awards: Best Amateur Tape and Best Amateur Series.

There are two questions looming over all this. The first is why women like my wife watch shows that are so degrading to women. I could tender a bunch of excuses here. (Noting, for instance, that my wife is a former hair-metal chick.) But the truth is a bit darker. I think women are reacting to the pornification of the culture at large, the absurd and enraging pressure women feel to disfigure their bodies — via surgery or starvation — for approval. And the growing sense that their only cultural power resides in their sexuality.

When my wife watches RoLB, most of what she feels is a kind of gratifying disgust. She enjoys watching the contestants claw at each other and weep on camera. They represent the most degraded aspects of our culture — and of herself.

The irony, of course, is that she’s just feeding the beast. As the message boards fill up mostly female viewers railing against the female contestants, it's the producers and advertisers (oh, and Bret of course) who are laughing all the way to the bank. With very little overhead or imagination, and an almost impressive absence of human decency, they've managed to create the hottest girl-on-girl action around.

But what about me, Mr. Judgmental. Why, given my obvious contempt for RoL, do I watch the show? My motivation is even sadder, frankly. It’s certainly not for the sexual turn-on. No, what I get off on is the fantasy of absolute masculine dominion. Lame as he might be, Bret Michaels has a harem of women who will do whatever he asks.

Reality TV producers like to claim that they’re peddling the dream of "true love." But for male viewers, they’re peddling the ultimate porno fairytale, a world in which women exist merely to debase themselves for their man. If they had any guts they’d cut the bullshit and just go all the way. Here’s what I’d like to see: a show called "American Porn Star," in which women (and men!) compete for a contract with Vivid Video by performing sex acts for celebrity judges and viewers at home. I might feel guilty watching such a show, but at least I’d be getting off on sex, rather than hate.

Previously:

Raven Williams of "Rock of Love": So What, I did a Porno
STD Sunday: The "Rock of Love" Final Four Are Boring And Weird
STD Sunday: Reunions, Punches, and Loogies!
STD Sunday: A Baked Vagina Is Just The Icing On The Cake
STD Sunday: Bret's Girls Can't Stop Being Slutty, Whorish, Or Speed Bumpy
Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess
Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus
Bret Michaels Not Involved in Fatal Car Crash -- Just So Everyone's Clear
Bret Michaels Wonders How The Hell You Wear A Seatbelt In A Hot Tub

Friday Shades of "Grey's Anatomy": Wake Me Up Before You Kill Me

Lindy Parker — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 16:45:00 GMT

Are you technically a battered woman if he's asleep the whole time? We're just wondering. Time for some highs and lows...

Lindy-High: Alex's voice-over! Yes. Awesome. No more Meredith. Can Alex do it every time? Also, Alex fertilized Izzie's frozen eggs without even thinking about it. Although, weird that the Chief pressured him into it, and then acted uncomfortable when Alex actually went through with it. Additionally, Christina and Owen are rocking our world despite the strange gregorian chant music during their sex scene. The last thirty seconds where Christina confessed to being afraid to fall asleep, and Owen went straight to Derek for a brain scan? We teared up a little bit.

Olivia-High: Callie dancing. We're still unsure about the chemistry between Sara Ramirez and Jessica Capshaw. But how much fun was Callie dancing? She's so cute and smily and pretty! Can we be friends with her? Can we watch teen movies and eat chocolate covered popcorn together? Can we text each other during Grey's episodes about how fab her hair looks and how ridiculous Lexipedia is? Please?

Lindy-Low: Meredith (MEREDITH?) going all judge-y on Christina's relationship with Owen. Girl, please. Hypocritical much? The real low is that our hatred of Meredith has grown so intensely that Derek's emotional elevator proposal failed to move us. Also, we're generally annoyed by Izzie's oncologist playing back-seat-surgeon while P.Demp was operating -- it's not okay to back-seat surge while someone's head is open.

Olivia-Low: We aggree with Remote Lindy on the back-seat surging. Unnacceptable behavior. We will pull this surgery over right now! But the real low for us is that we're pretty sure Kimberly Elise's guest potential is going to be thouroughly squandered with this heinous oncologist role. Kimberly's so good, and yet they're asking her to play a part that makes little to no sense. Would an oncologist really question the choices of a brain surgeon in the actual OR while he's poking at brain matter with sharp implements? Probably not. Would she insist on telling a patient terrible news just before a major surgery? Not unless the patient checked the Sadism box under Bedside manner when he or she was admitted to the hospital. We're pretty sure Izzie checked the coddling box. She likes to be coddled.

Previously:

Friday Shades of Grey's Anatomy: Sometimes You Just Need an Enema

Friday Shades of Grey's Anatomy: Surgeons of Tomorrow

Friday Shades of Grey's Anatomy: The School of Hard Knocks

Ricky Gervais Corrupts Elmo (Or Is It the Other Way Around?) [VIDEO]

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 17:05:00 GMT

Ricky Gervais was asked to serenade Elmo for, allegedly, the fortieth-anniversary Sesame Street DVD. But you put a self-proclaimed “fat guy” and a red furry in pajamas together, and the episode quickly spiraled out of control and into adult territory…much to our delight, and the director’s chagrin. Gervais lectures Elmo on drugs, child abuse, the Holocaust and necrophilia, as well as the insufferable sin of wearing pajamas in the daytime.

He’s tackled The Office. We vote Gervais gets together with our boy-crush/Forgetting Sarah Marshall-star Jason Segel and rock out the new Muppets movie.

(Jezebel)

Previously:
Top Five Muppet Fashions We Can't Live Without
Ricky Gervais Shows Some Skin for PETA
Today In Whaaaaaa?: "How I Met Your Mother" Star Primed To Lead "The Muppet Show" Comeback

“The Bachelor” Claims Contract Forced Him to Dump Melissa on Television

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 15:00:00 GMT

In the March 16 issue of People, Bachelor Jason Mesnick explains that he was forced to dump “fiancée” Melissa Rycroft because of the show’s evil corporate contracts. (So don’t hate him, America! Hate…lawyers?) People sat down with Jason and Molly, asking them some hard questions, but more disturbingly, forcing them to pose in the most awkward “happy couple” photo session since a J.Lo and Marc Antony.

People asked, “Why did you break up with Melissa on-camera?”

Jason replied, “That was part of the deal. I signed up for this. Your relationship is — good and bad — in front of everybody. [Producers] knew this was tearing me up, and if I could have, I would have seen Melissa the night before. But I wasn’t allowed. It killed me. It kills me now.”

Always hard-hitting, People pushed it further:
“Why didn’t you wait, like other couples have, until after the show ended to call things off?”

Jason: Better to do it after six weeks than it is to do it after seven weeks or six months or a year. I wish for her sake I didn’t propose because it put her in a bad spot. Really, what is the right thing to do? Why string her along? I came here to find somebody to spend the rest of my life with. If I have to do something scary then I’ll do it.”

Right. Why string her along, for another whole twenty-four hours, until after the taping of the show wrapped?

Jason goes on to insist that none of it was manufactured for ratings. And what other wonderful things do we discover?

People: Why do you like doing together?
Molly: We cook and have dinner.
Jason: She’s got a recipe for artichoke dip that’s the best thing in the world.

Jason also says that he’s discovered Molly is “crazy about doing her nails” and Molly has learned that Jason is “unorganized.”
Ya think? We could have figured that out from his season finale decision-making.

Previously:
"Bachelor" Jason Apologizes to Ellen Degeneres (and America)
TV Guide Has Spoken: America Hates Bachelor Jason
Awkward Tuesday: Is The Bachelor Fixed, Fact or Fiction?

Remote Island Q&A: Bryan Cranston of "Breaking Bad"

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 05:00:00 GMT

It's difficult to match the image above — of a grizzled, bald Bryan Cranston — to the actor's recent and well-known role as Hal, tighty-whitey fan and father of Malcolm in the Middle. But Cranston's spent thirty years proving himself a fearless chameleon, from roles in Saving Private Ryan to the dentist Tim Whatley on Seinfeld. Last year, Cranston changed his colors again, winning a best-actor Emmy for his role as Walter White, a high-school chemistry teacher-turned-meth dealer, in the critically acclaimed AMC series, Breaking Bad. Diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and desperate for fast cash to provide for his special-needs son and pregnant wife, White begins cooking crystal meth for the seedy underbelly of Albuquerque. Cranston's portrayal of a man wholly unprepared for a life of crime is heart-breaking, brutal, and at times darkly hilarious. The second-season premiere, directed by Cranston himself, airs this Sunday at 10 p.m. Our favorite exhibitionist took time out of his busy production schedule to speak with Nerve about chemistry, working both sides of the camera, and of course, public nudity. — Derrick Sanskrit

Your portrayal of a chemistry professor is stunningly convincing. Did you undergo any special training? "Proper handling of Bunsen burners" or "How not to use hydrochloric acid"?

I shadowed a chemistry professor at University of Southern California, to get reacquainted with the nomenclature, the materials and how to handle things. What chemicals you need respirators for and what don't you? What is volatile? You're tapping into a world that's fascinating, and I certainly didn't appreciate it back in high school. I love the juxtaposition on Breaking Bad, of the orderly fashion and numerical answers to questions in the chemistry lab [where] Walter White is at home — then I step out of that classroom and enter a world of crime and everything is the opposite.

Walter White has no clue what he's doing in this world of the underground. He's around nefarious characters and bad-asses and unreliable drug users. He doesn't have the skill set for this. He woefully underestimated getting involved. It was a rash, stupid decision and now he's got to pay for it. And there's no going back.

Did you ever feel the urge to go home and try some experiments with an easy-bake oven?

Well, I have no desire to do that. However, as consultants on the set, we've had DEA chemists show us how to do it; I have a thriving sideline going now. When we show the making of the product on the air, we don't show it step-by-step, we do it in a montage. We don't want it to become a how-to video. In the first episode of the second season, I directed, and you have my character making a poison out of a bean. I didn't want to show that, so we have a policy that we put it into a montage format. It's much more effective that way, and also you don't show the world.

You don't want kids actually handling ricin.

Exactly.

Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan also wrote the episode of The X-Files you were featured in over a decade ago. Did he remember you, or was getting together for Breaking Bad just a small-world coincidence?

He did remember me, which I'm so grateful for. It's like advice to actors, you know? Do your best and be on your best behavior at all times; you never know what job is going to lead to another. My character in X-Files was this guy in the backseat of a car. The title of the episode was "Drive," and David Duchovny had to drive eighty miles an hour or my head would explode. No one likes to clean that up. The interesting thing is that if [Gilligan] wrote my character to be a nice guy, everyone would say, "Yeah, try to save this guy, he's a sweet guy." That's obvious, [but] Vince made my character a miserable, bigoted son of a bitch, and so it raised a moral dilemma within the lead actor: "Is a human life still worth saving if it's this guy?" And that's the kind of sensitivity that he brings to Breaking Bad. He's able to write a character that you embrace as a human being, and yet you completely hate what he's doing and the decisions that he's made.

You had the opportunity to direct with Breaking Bad's Season 2 premiere episode. How did it feel to boss everybody around behind the camera, after spending so much time being pushed around by others on-camera?

I finally get my revenge! The first day I work I always bring a new crew member on staff for the sole reason that I could fire them and scare everyone else into doing my bidding. Of course, I'm jesting.

You first appeared on Malcolm In the Middle completely naked in the kitchen. For your first appearance on Breaking Bad you sported tighty-whities in the desert. Are you growing more modest over time?

Modest, yes, next I'll have another article of clothing on. I initially wasn't going to wear the tighty-whities as described in the pilot episode of Breaking Bad, because I wore them in Malcolm. Vince said go ahead and change that, and I intended to. I went to my wardrobe call, and they had all kinds of underwear. I chose the tighty-whities for Malcolm because he was a big boy himself, and it really said he still hasn't outgrown this, and made it funny. In Breaking Bad, I kept looking at the other underwear and then I kept looking over at the tighty-whitey. I realized I have to wear these again, [but] for different reasons: a manifestation of Walt's lack of care. His point of view gets stunted at some point, as well, and he just doesn't care what he's wearing. It was indicative of how he felt.

That shot of you in the tighty-whities is the DVD cover for Season 1, and was plastered on billboards here in New York City — billboards which used to feature images of Kate Moss. How does it feel to be such an atypical sex symbol?

You know, I don't want people to just think of me as a sex symbol. Of course, I am, but I don't want them to think I'm shallow. There's more to me than just the obvious sexiness. Beyond the gorgeous exterior is a functioning human being with thoughts and feelings.

In season two, episode three, you're going to see me in all my glory, sans clothes entirely. I don't have a stitch on me in one sequence. There were a couple scenes last year that I actually insisted on [nudity]. There was a moment in the bathroom where I was naked and I said, "You're missing a shot here" to the producers, "a shot of this man who finds himself curled up on the cold tile floor in the bathroom in the morning. He should be naked because that's the way he feels. He's naked to the world." So I curled up into a position that was similar to that of John Lennon curling up to Yoko in bed when he was naked — although he had someone warm to curl up to, I had no one. Without someone next to you, it was a very lonely feeling.

In this season, I'm in a very public place without any clothes. In Season 3, I hope I'll be completely naked, perhaps in some national park somewhere.

I just want to make sure our readers know that they have something to look forward to.

Either to look forward to, or cautionary! "At six minutes into the episode, please divert your eyes as to not burn your retinas."

Walter White has been a physically demanding role: you've grown a mustache, gained weight, shaved your head and then lost weight for the cancer treatment. How'd you do all that so quickly, during what was essentially a seven-episode run?

The easiest thing for a man is to cut things out — not to start calorie-counting, because I couldn't keep track of all that stuff. I borrowed the Atkins/South Beach philosophy of no carbs. All the simple carbs left: pasta, bread, rice, potatoes, that sort of thing, all gone. I'd reduce my portions a little bit and maintain my exercise program, along with no alcohol, no simple sugar. I'd still have, like, an apple. I'd get sugar that way — and bulk and vitamins — and I'd still have vegetables, so I'd get carbohydrates that way without the simple carbohydrates. If you starve your body of carbohydrates, and you're still asking it to function, it has to use something as fuel. Its first desire is carbohydrates. Gimme the sugar. Gimme the sugar. It burns that fast. If you deprive it of sugar, it goes to fat. It's a really simple philosophy, but it works.

Breaking Bad and beyond: what else can we expect from you in the future?

I wrote and directed Last Chance, a sweet romantic drama, that's going to premiere the night before Breaking Bad, on WE. I wrote it as a valentine for my wife, Robin Dearden, who stars in the movie with me.

How did your wife feel about you making this for her?

She was lovin' it! Of course, as a guy, I'm saying, "Look what I did here for you for Valentine's Day. I don't need to do anything romantic for the next five or six years, right?" That's not the way it works, but I was hoping I could skate for a while.

Derrick Sanskrit is a graphic artist and pop culture junkie operating out of NYC. He has produced critically acclaimed* work for Pitchfork, Nerve, Babble, ESPN, Upright Citizens Brigade, the Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art and more. He pontificates about the collaboration of art and music for Nerve's video game blog, 61 Frames Per Second.

*everyone's a critic.

Elmo Wants Your Sex

Jake Kalish — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 17:29:00 GMT

Note that this photograph cuts off right above Elmo's genitals. You don't want to know what's happening down there...

The new Tickle Me Elmo Toy Phone may ask "Who wants to have sex?" to extremely suggestible toddlers. At least, that's what the New Jersey parents of two one and a half-year-old twins thought they heard, which led to a hubbub and a ruckus and a Fox NY Special Investigation. Watch the video, and tell us if Elmo isn't out for a whole lot more than just tickling...

He wants to have hot baby sex! Why do we think so? Mostly because we really want to. Come on, what do you hear? Oh, and in answer to your question, Elmo, we want to have sex, whenever you're ready.

PREVIOUSLY:

New "Complete History Of Sesame Street" Will Be Completely Lost On 4 Year Olds

Head Of A Sex Toy Company Gets Her Own TLC Reality Show, "Mother Knows Sex"

Jake Kalish — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 20:33:00 GMT

And why wouldn't you want you want to watch a show about Patty Brisben, a "relationship enhancement" expert for whom sex toys are the family business?

Brisben is the founder and CEO of Pure Romance. Which is a sex toy - sorry, relationship enhancement - company. But far more than just selling relationship enhancers, Pure Romance encourages ladies to host parties at home. Parties that feature Pure Romance relationship enhancers. This is apparently a business model that works. Really, really well.

We're curious about Mother Knows Sex for so many reasons. Won't you check out the trailer with us?

The Real Housewives: "Naked Wasted"

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 20:30:00 GMT

Bravo’s The Real Housewives of Orange County regularly makes us want to laugh, whimper, or exfoliate our nether regions. But last night’s episode, “Naked Wasted,” pushed us over the edge. We actually shouted at the TV. We scared both our lovah and our cat. And it’s all because of the evil goblin heart, encased inside Tamra’s giant fake boobs…

Did anyone foresee Tamra’s evil plotting?

We’ll give credit to the Bravo editors, both for making us fall into their clever little world, and crafting a not-so-subtle, ironic arc for last night’s show: you see, Tamra was supposed to learn all about etiquette, i.e. proper behaviors. Which she immediately followed with her behaving in a catty, loathsome, awful way to her fellow human beings. We mean, more so than usual.

Last night’s “plot” followed three separate veins: newbie Lynne and her husband worry about their kids’ drinking (yawn); Vicki travels East to Chicago and is just as loud and annoying in the Windy City as she is in Orange County (though we heart her mom!); and…Tamra’s dinner party.

Tamra used to be the “hottest” housewife, but with this season’s introduction of Gretchen, she’s got major competition. Tamra’s solution is to label Gretchen a whorish gold digger. Sure, Gretch is young, hot, and engaged to a much older man with acute Leukemia. She flaunts her giant ring around his worried children. She appears shallow and easily distracted by shiny things. But — she also seems pretty devoted to her fiancé. Barring the cancer, we can’t see how her life situation is that much different from Tamra’s (married to a slightly older, wealthier man) or past wifey Lauri (married to a slightly older, much wealthier man).

We used to like Tamra, but this season she’s proving to be a downright despicable person. Good TV editing? Good acting? Or the truth?

Last night we first saw Tamra taking an etiquette lesson, because her continental husband Simon says he would never take her to “go see the Queen.” Throughout she made faces behind the poor instructor and was annoyed there was so much to learn. In her insightful commentary, she said of the poor woman: “I think Naomi was the perfect person to teach etiquette. She kinda had that stick-up-the-ass kinda look.”

Classy!

To celebrate her newly acquired etiquette, Tamra decided to throw a seven-course meal created by former Top Chef contestant, and featuring the tequila her hubby Simon is currently hawking. We felt bad when Simon took over the planning…but all our sympathy evaporated when, during the meal, Tamra grabbed Vicki, her partner-in-annoyance, and drunkenly plotted about Gretchen: “We going to get her wasted. Naked wasted.”

Naked wasted! The ultimate, as every fratboy knows.

Tamra explained her reasoning to the cameras: “Gretchen only wants you to see her in a good light. But there is a part of her that just is, like, a dark side. And I don’t know that if I trust her. I’m the type of person who believes in your actions, not your words, and she’s saying one thing and doing another.”

Just like being nice to her face, and than blatantly getting her trashed so that she embarrasses herself on national television? Bravo, Bravo editors – bravissimi!

Gretchen gets hammered. And who wouldn’t, if you weigh 97 pounds? It was like watching a bikini-clad scream queen wander into a creepy house asking, "Is anyone there?” Or watching that years’-old episode of America’s Next Top Model, when the dorky (and attached) former Walmart employee/contestant gets wasted and sleeps with an Italian model…and not one of her friends stopped her. Oh yeah, you know the one.

Lynne and Jeana try lamely to move some tequila shots out of Gretchen’s way, but she’s already in the drunken zone, emitting loud, orgasmic noises whenever she eats chocolate (who doesn’t do this), playing with her oversized breasts (we would too, if we had them), and admitting that she’s acting so crazy (and erotically sucking on halibut, we kid you not) to make up for “eight months of not getting any.”

The big, awful bizarre part – by the end of the meal, Tamra’s manwhore, 22-year-old son Ryan has swooped in. He’s sitting next to Gretchen, massaging her neck, rubbing her bare back, and letting her pet his spiky, gelled hair.

We were horrified. Granted, we are always horrified when Ryan’s onscreen. But this was beyond embarrassing: if he took advantage of Gretchen (and everyone let him), then it could end her engagement. It could, kinda, ruin her life. Sure, we all have to responsible for our own tequila intake – but the show moved from easy voyeurism into a sick clusterfuck with real consequences.

The show ends Lynne trying to take Gretchen home, but Tamra basically cock-blocking her. Then, a camera-person sneaks into a bedroom, and encounters a closed bathroom door. Gretchen and Ryan are on the other side, and we hear Gretchen say that she can’t kiss or hug Ryan, because she’s engaged to a “very nice” man. (Granted, not the most enthusiastic of statements.)

Then the Bravo editors tantalize us with Gretchen also saying that Ryan really turns her on…with a swift "To Be Continued" thrown onscreen!

So! Next week! Is the “you turn me on” sentence actually part of a longer declarative statement, in which Gretchen throws him out before puking on her shoes? Is it all a clever ruse on Bravo's part, and nothing happens? Or will this silicone-fueled fantasy world finally pop?

Mystery And His Man-Goggles Return for Season Two of “The Pick-Up Artist”

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 20:24:00 GMT

Worst Halloween costume ever? No kids, it’s Mystery, the elusive “pick-up artist”/douchebag-you-kinda-maybe-would-sleep-with if you met him in real life (according to an un-scientific poll we just conducted among, um, three women).

Love him, hate him, want to knock those silly goggles off his damn forehead…either way, he’s back for a new season of VH1’s The Pick-Up Artist. Only this time—there’s a twist!

Sadly, it doesn’t involve goggles being twisted around Mystery's neck, as this promo shot shows.

No, this twist involves a lady wing-person. Or, “wing-girl.” (Why there are wing-men and then wing-girls, we don’t know. It’s probably akin to insulting a drunk woman so that she’ll make out with you.) We’ll let VH1 explain:

Based on the tremendous viewer response to the series The Pickup Artist, VH1 has once again teamed up with world renowned pickup guru Mystery to help guide nine new “socially awkward” students overcome their biggest fears - meeting women. As we saw last season, Mystery has developed a foolproof formula for these men to follow, whether they’re in a bar, club or coffee shop. Through his various teachings and in-the-field tests, Mystery will prepare these men with the skills they need to overcome their shyness and confidence issues in the real world.

The Pickup Artist 2 brings a new twist to the show, as Mystery and Season 1 wing-man and fellow pickup artist Matador are joined by new wing-girl Tara. Viewers may remember Tara as Season 1’s kissing coach. In this second season she will expand her role by adding a female perspective. Tara will serve as full time wing-girl to Mystery and act as a confidant for the contestants.

Set your DVR! The Pickup Artist 2 premieres on VH1 on Sunday, October 12 at 10:00 PM.

We’ll be waiting for Season 3, when maybe they’ll let an actual wing-woman join the cast…or when they finally televise Mystery getting kicked in the balls. You know it's happened...

Take the Kim Kardashian Tush Test!

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 20:34:00 GMT

Just can’t wait to get a glimpse of Kim Kardashian’s ass in tonight’s (and tomorrow night’s, and the night after’s) three-evening season premiere of Dancing with the Stars? Thanks to E!, you don’t have to. That's right. You can “Take the Tush Test,” and try to pick Kim K.’s ass from other voluptuous Hollywood buttocks…

…And, not-so-Hollywood buttocks.

We didn’t score so well the first time, and we're not sure which makes us feel worse about ourselves: that we only got four answers correct, or that we were upset that we only got four correct. Got some downtime from writing to your congressperson or picking recyclable bottles out of the trash? "Challenge” your tush knowledge here.

One more note, for the other four people in the universe who actually watch this show: Um, Photoshopped much? Especially Khloe. She is much more thick ‘n’ luscious than this ridiculousness shows, don't you think?

And, for the other two people in the universe who watch both Keeping Up With the Kardashians and the CW’s new Privileged (smart, funny and quirky, thus far): don’t you just say, “Hello, Khloe Kardashian” every time Sage (Ashley Newbrough) mutters something bitchy and drags her sister off into the sunset?

Lynne Spears Tells All on "Today"...Kinda

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 17:01:00 GMT

Lynne Spears, mother of Britney and Jamie-Lynn, appeared on The Today Show this morning, to discuss/pimp her new book, Through the Storm. The book deals with (you guessed it) the turbulent times of the Spears family, from Britney’s Mousketeer days to Lynne now being a GILF (discuss the accuracy of that statement). Or, in Lynne’s words, “There was the tabloid version of our lives…I decided I needed to set it straight. I wanted to be in the driver’s seat. I wanted people to see my family as they really are.”

Both Al Roker and Meredith Viera tried to pin Lynne down on her feelings about her daughters’ troubled lives. Much like the current leader of our country, the woman has a sweet Southern twang, and ability to not answer a question directly. We bring you video, and some choice quotes...

At one point when Al asks Lynne if she blames herself for the hot mess her daughter has become, she answers “Completely.” At other times, you don’t know who she’s trying to fool: the audience, or herself.

Some of Lynne's words:
“It’s kind of like Britney was sent out into the world a little premature.” (Ya think?)

Al: On the balance, was this all worth it [regarding Britney’s fame, then fall]?
Lynne: I’ve thought about that a whole lot. And I think you have to look at life as being a journey. And you know we’re all going to have bumps, and you just have to get through. You just have to be strong and try to get through the best that you know how. What was I to do – persuade my child to not go after her dreams? ...What career guarantees happiness?”

On Jamie-Lynn's teen pregnancy:
“And, as far as Jamie-Lynne…things happen.”

“At one point I thought I could get no lower, and then I got sucker-punched on my knees. …You have to pray real hard.”

She sums it up on a cheery note, saying, “We’re through the storm, and we’re lookin’ at the sunshine right now.” Then again, tell that to Hurricane Ike victims. You can be standing in the sun, but still have a lot of cleaning up to do.

Friday Afternoon Cheesecake: Hoopz' Next Career Move

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:34:00 GMT

Remember Hoopz from Flavor of Love? Don't worry; apparently being one of Flavor Flav's girlfriends (?) isn't the career death knell you'd think it would be. Hoopz will be featured in a photo spread in the October issue of King magazine.

::sigh:: And yes. We have pictures, and there’s even a video with bursting balloons…Why the hell not, right? TGIF, motherchuckers.

Normal 0 MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";}

Check out more photos over at Bossip. And see in her action: video of the photo shoot right here.

Previously:
Flavor Flav: Lost His Virginity at Age Six, Played With Boogers Much Later in Life

The Top 10 Fiercest Quotes from “America’s Next Top Model” Cycle 11 Premiere

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 21:23:00 GMT

Remember all the chicks who kept “quote boards” in college — like when you and all your inebriated friends said something so incredibly witty you simply had to write it down it down for all posterity? (Um, guilty.) You just know Tyra, J. and J. keep a quote board. (We’re envisioning an entire notebook, filled with the word “fierce.”) Well, after last night’s Cycle 11 premiere, we did, too. Here are the Top 10 Fiercest Quotes from the America’s Next Top Model premiere… We only wish someone would have wondered aloud what the hell happened to Jay Manuel’s hair.

10. "I'm the moose, and I want you to run from me, fiercely." — Tyra to Hannah, from Fairbanks, Alaska

9. Tyra: “So, were you sold?”
Analeigh: “Yeah, what happens is, they have recruits in American. And so these men go to the recruits and pay a certain amount of money for a girl."
(Awkward editing, cutting from concerned Tyra face to happy Tyra face.)
Tyra: “I’m glad you got out of it and you’re safe.”
Analeigh: “Yeees! Thank you so much!”

8. ""I'm gonna show you America! You ain't ready for this yellow fever! One time for the Asians!" — Sheena

7. "Hell yeah! You walk around like that in a small town you'll get shot! And it's not so much close-mindedness, it's just more traditional. …Growing up in the south, you don't exactly run into a he-she every day." — Clark, upon discovering contestant Isis is a pre-op transgender person

6. "I know cellulite very well. It's one of my close, personal friends." — Tyra

5. "I love bringing girls over to my side. It's my sport. It really is." — Elina

4. Commenting on her photo shoot theme of “nuclear weapons”:
"My topic was nuclear weapons. Obviously, I understand that they have damaging effects. I just don't know what I feel about them." — Hannah

3. Commenting on her photo shoot theme of “unemployment”:
"I'm actually, really unemployed. And I still feel sexy!” — Jocelyn

2. "To me, you look like a black widow, waiting to trap a man in your red web, which is not really the point." — Paulina Porizkova to Clark

1. And the best, judging room banter goes to:
Paulina to Hannah: "Is that a headband?"
Hannah: "Yes."
Tyra: "Take it off. It's a little too Gossip Girl."
Hannah: (Squealing with glee.) "Oh my God! That's one of my favorite shows!"

And, finally, an actual piece of honest modeling advice, from Tyra:
"The tip I will give you: model the opposite of what you have on. You have on a sparkly dress and it's sexy and it's like come to me boy. So you need to model like you have on jeans and a T-shirt and some Timberland boots. Playing the opposite of what you have on makes the picture so much more interesting. It takes the obvious away."

Somehow, we feel like we might be able to apply this to our own lives, the next time we dress up in skinny jeans and only-slightly-painful heels on a Friday night. As always, Tyra, words to live by!

Previously:
"America's Next Top Model" Finally Admits It Turns Women Into Robots
"America's Next Top Model's" First Transgender Contestant
Tyra Banks Wins An Emmy, Loses Her Damn Mind

Study Says DVR Good for Relationships; Study Conducted by DVR Company

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 18:26:00 GMT

A new “report” claims that owning a DVR get you laid. Or, in the words of Jack Black’s Tropic Thunder character, DVRs will cause your partner to spontaneously “cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipes, and swallow the gravy.”

Okay, the company that sponsored the “study” – a company by the name of NDS, which is a manufacturer of DVR technology — probably wished they could say that. (Minus the gravy line.) They can’t actually promise the hot sexin’, but they do claim DVRs improve relationships. Or so said 79% of the 1,000 folks they polled.

We will freely admit that having a DVR kicks ass. And we buy that it can help relationships: torn between the Cleveland Browns or Rock of Love on a Sunday afternoon? DVR Bret’s dawgpound while watching the other one, live.

But we take issue with the study’s claim that “DVRs were cited as the second most essential household technology item” that polled peeps said “they can’t live without, second only to the mobile phone.” Was this multiple choice? Were the only other options “electronic toothbrush” and “Roomba”?

Yes, DVRs can help relationships. (As can Roombas.) But it totally depends on the couple. DVRs can also freely invite your partner’s mockery. And ire. Especially if all of your saved shows crowd out that one basketball game he taped, ages and ages ago.

“Rock of Love, Oprah, Rock of Love, Project Runway…The Cheese Nun? You have eighteen Gossip Girl episodes records, and something called The Cheese Nun?”

Some of us will never live down The Cheese Nun. Thanks for the memories, DVR.

Rock of Love 3: Get On the Rock of Love Bus

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:32:00 GMT

Nothing airbrushed here, folks…

In utterly shocking news, Rock of Love 2 “winner” Ambre Lake and Bret Michaels didn’t make it work. He’s too busy, see, for a relationship. Touring, and not a fear of intimacy with a woman anywhere near his age, keep him from making a true commitment. But VH1 has found the perfect solution: don’t take Bret away from his madcap, rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle. Bring the ladies to the lifestyle!

And thus we have “Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.” Because the only thing sexier than fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk in a McMansion, is fame-whoring VH1 contestants drunk on a tour bus. We can smell it now! And, yes, we’re excited.

“Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels takes contestants out of the mansion and on the road in true rock star style. This season will feature all-new ladies vying for Bret’s affection while traveling across America following Bret on a month-long tour. The contestants will face new challenges to see if they can handle the rock star life on the road,” explains the VH1 press release.

“This time as the bus pulls into each new city, the girls will engage in challenges specifically revolving around Bret’s life on the road. Whether it’s greeting aggressive groupies with a smile, enduring grueling schedules, dodging the advances of the warm-up band or even stepping in last-minute to fill in for delinquent roadies – these girls will be put to the test. This season, as the Rock of Love Bus heads into America’s heartland, the show will be taking the viewer to a whole new level with crazy, fun, over-the-top challenges- imagine Truck Stop Olympics or a dance contest on top of the St. Louis Arch or even a BBQ cook-off beneath the World’s Largest Thermometer. And also, back by popular demand…Mud Bowl 3. Americana at it’s finest!”

Indeed.

Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels is scheduled to premiere in early 2009. Get your bandanas ready!

Previously:
Rock of Love 2's Daisy: Sore Loser, Hot Mess

Tila Tequila: The Net’s Poet Laureate

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 20:30:00 GMT

Tila Tequila—who shot for love, then got shot down—has been working her way through heartbreak by…no, not stripping for her website (well, maybe just a little)…but through poetry. And yeah, it’s as good as you'd expect. Her first was entitled “BITCHES AIN’T SHIT BUT HOES AND TRICKS!” Not exactly original, but the all-caps lends a certain gravitas:

BITCHES AIN'T SHIT BUT HOES AND TRICKS!

Thunderfuck my mouth is shut. Been a while, feel like a cunt.
Can't wait for this drama to pass.
Oh the joy.....fuck you. My ass.
Live a lie.
Tell my mind.
Over soon. I can't deny.
You will all soon see, the truth in my eyes.

Smile on my face, the loving embrace....but instead I'll punch you in the face.
For a long time coming....I let you touch me....now that it's over bitch....You better start running.
Pent up inside....telling these lies....this has gone too far.....the world will soon die.

Only 1 more day. To feel this way. Tomorrow I smile....brings another day!

Back to myself. Nobody else. Fuck all this bullshit. I'm back to myself. Yes. Thank the fuck God.

Tila

Thankfully, it appears Miss Tequila’s wordcraft is, indeed healing. “Thunderfuck” as soon followed by “BACK TO SERENITY…”

BACK TO SERENITY...

A Million words, a million heartbeats.
My world once laid upon your feet.
The Sun is setting with beauty in the sky.
No more tears. My eyes are dry...

And, just three days ago, she hits a hopeful note with “CANDY SCENTED LOTION”:

CANDY SCENTED LOTION

Phone sex is the best, no need to stress!
Come on over later, let me take care of the rest.
Candy scented lotion, cocoa butter dreams...
Turn down the lights baby, I'm about to cream..

Whoever argued against the healing power of art needs to thunderfuck the hell off.
You gotta admit: "thunderfuck"! Kinda catchy.

[Gawker via Public School Intelligentsia]

Previously:
Tila Tequila, a Woman Scorned, Walks Off Her Own Reunion Show
Tila Tequila Shoots for Love, Gets Shot Down
Best Dressed at MTV Movie Awards: Tila Tequila?

Tragedy (?) Strikes “The Girls Next Door”: Is Kendra Leaving the Mansion?

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:29:00 GMT

Okay, this is the same-ol’, same-ol’ gossip…but at least it gives us an excuse to post the above pic. (And, um, some nekkid shots after the jump.) Kendra might (finally) be leaving Hugh Hefner’s harem, and the same old reasons are being given for these swirling rumors: she’s young/the other girls are decrepit, ancient bats (all of 28 and 34!). Kendra likes to party, and date other men. Hef wants her 21-year-old fake boobies all to himself...

(Actually, her breasts probably aren’t that old. When did she get the implants?)

A Playboy rep denies any discontent: “Hef has always been clear that the girls were his girlfriends before the show was even signed off on. This is all news to me. We're going to be launching Season 5 of ‘The Girls Next Door' in the fall and everyone's happy and having a good time."

Looks like they are having a good time, doesn't it?

[Jezebel via NY Post]

Heidi and Spencer with Guns: Just Another Sign of the Apocalypse

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:28:00 GMT

Just Jared reports that The Hills “celebrities” Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt visited a firing range in L.A. on Tuesday. “The pair are working on their firearms skills with a personal instructor who went over shooting skills, close combat, tactical, and defense weapons training. Heidi and Spencer came with their own personal arsenal and also rented other weapons.”

There are a ton…a ton…of photos and videos of the two playing with firearms over at Pacific Coast News. At first, they made us think, “Are those shoes and short-shorts really appropriate for the firing range?” And, “What exactly is Heidi’s career arc?” But after clicking through them all, the only disturbing question we’re left with is, “They go home and screw like little bleach-blonde bunnies after this, don’t they?”

Previously:
Heidi and Spencer Quote Mother Teresa, Invoke Tupac
The Hills Update: Lauren’s Mad; VH1 Says “Heidi & Spencer Make Millions Off Being A-Holes”

Flavor Flav: Lost His Virginity at Age Six, Played With Boogers Much Later in Life

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 21:24:00 GMT

We all the Flav from Flavor of Love (and some of us even remember Public Enemy), but what makes the man behind the giant clock necklaces tick?

Complex interviewed Flavor Flav, about shit-on-crackers, boogers-on-burgers, and how Flav lost his virginity at age six…Do you believe him? (Then again, why would he make this up?)

Here are some tasty nuggets from Joe La Puma’s Q&A with the one, the only, the barbequeist Flavor Flav:

Complex: What would you consider to be your superpower?
Flavor Flav: What do I consider to be my superpower? God. God is my superpower. The Lord Jesus Christ the savior. The creator of the universe. He gives me the power to have a crazy personality that’s a lot different from everybody else’s.

Complex: So what’s the best trick you ever played on someone?
Flavor Flav: The best trick I ever played on someone was putting tacks on my teacher’s seat, and when she came to chase me out the class I had a string over the door, I jumped over the string, and she tripped over it and fell in the hallway. She fucked her face on the wall.

Complex: How much trouble you get in for that one?
Flavor Flav: Honestly, I got suspended for three weeks. And my mom beat me when I got home.

Complex: What was the worst trick someone ever played on you?
Flavor Flav: Umm, the worst trick someone ever played on me was when someone put a booger in my hamburger and I ate it.

Complex: How you find out?
Flavor Flav: Nah, I’ll tell you the truth okay… For the person that put the booger on my hamburger, I got him back by taking some dog shit and putting it on the Ritz Crackers and he ate that shit.

Complex: [Laughs] So was he tight?
Flavor Flav: Was he pissed? He was shitted for reals! (Laughs) Yea, forreal G. He put a booger on my hamburger so I got him with thinking peanut butter cookie sandwich it was dog shit.

Complex: Speaking of food, I guess, What’s your favorite food to barbecue?
Flavor Flav: My favorite food to barbecue is ribs, and chicken. And shrimp! Ribs, chicken, and shrimps! And I like barbeque my steaks! Oh man~~~ Come on! I’m one of the best barbequeist in the world.

Complex: What’s your most prized possession?
Flavor Flav: My most prized possession right now is a coo-coo clock that was made for me over in Switzerland. When we were over in Switzerland, they made a Flav Coo-Coo clock. And when it strikes three o’clock you got little Flav that comes out and say “YeahhhhhBoy! YeahhhhhBoy!”

Complex: Whom do you have beef with?
Flavor Flav: I don’t have beef with nobody. I eat pork.

Complex: Where did you lose your virginity?
Flavor Flav: Where did I lose my virginity? I lost my virginity in the bushes on a box.

Complex: Really?
Flavor Flav: Yea, in the bushes on a box. A girl and me were having sex on a box in the bushes, in some big tall bushes.

Complex: How uh…when was this?
Flavor Flav: This was when I was real, real, real, real, young.

Complex: Like elementary school? Or middle school?
Flavor Flav: Nah, I’m a tell you the truth; I lost my virginity when I was 6 years old.

Complex: Really?
Flavor Flav: Yea, man. Because you know we learned to have done the nasty back in the days, and me and this girl we experiment, we were experimenting, and my little joint got hard, I penetrated for about a few seconds.

Complex: I respect that. Early start my man.
Flavor Flav: That’s right early start and guess what and I have a great finish right now. [Laughs] Yessir!

[Complex]

The Bachelorette Finale: Can You Effing Believe It?

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 19:32:00 GMT

Well, she got what she wanted (a ring). She looked great (like a Greek goddess). And she got whom she wanted...

Jesse. Jesse? Jesse!

Jeremy seemed perfect. Jason seemed more perfect. Jesse seemed…like the kinda crazy, half-assed guy we’d actually go for. But…marry Jesse? Anyone else shocked out there? Just because a guy can snowboard with you on his back does not mean you should be heading to the altar anytime soon.

Though, to be honest, we couldn’t wipe the goofy grin off our faces while watching his proposal. DeAnna and Jesse do seem totally, totally head over heels in love with each other. (Again: a good time to head to an island and snog each other’s brains out. Not the best time to perhaps jump into a life partnership? Or are we just jaded?)

But, here’s the sweet proposal. All is well until the stupid montage with Natasha Bedingfield blaring in the background (good song, bad montage):

But as much as DeAnna purported to “know exactly” what the guys are going through, watching her reject Jason was awful. And didn’t explain shit. How would you feel if these were the reasons given for someone not wanting you?

“You have no idea how much I care about you. You’re this amazing, perfect person that I’ve never had in my life before. I know that my life would always be good with you. That I would always be safe and that I could depend on you. And even though I am falling in love with you, I am in love with someone else.”

And then, after being rejected, he wipes her tears away!

One thing is for certain: Jason will be getting laid after this broadcast, most def. But we hope he’ll also find love. Here’s to an amazing journey of your own, dude.

The same to Jeremy. The producers are evil geniuses, in that they let him go back to DeAnna’s room and plead his case, after she rejected him.

What do you think: will one of the J’s be the next Bachelor?

Previously:
“The Bachelorette”: What Went Wrong?
Last Night: The Bachelorette Breakdown!
“The Bachelorette” Boys Wear Ellen DeGeneres’ Underwear

Ashley Alexandra Dupré Developing Her Own Reality TV Show!

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 17:32:00 GMT

She is! Or maybe she isn’t! Or maybe she’ll be…the next Tila Tequila?

Would that be a step down from high-priced call girl?

E! News has learned exclusively that the former high-priced prostitute at the center of the Eliot Spitzer scandal is developing a cable reality series and is considering moving from New York to Los Angeles.

When contacted by E! News, a rep for Dupré declined to comment, only saying, "She has no TV deal.” Her rep would not address specifically whether she's developing a series.

A source tells E! News, however, that Dupré, 23, has been developing an unscripted show with production execs at L.A.-based Handprint Entertainment, the same company that has managed the careers of reality icons Nicole Richie and Pamela Anderson.

One of the concepts being considered is a dating format.

"They're talking to MTV about Ashley being the next Tila Tequila," says a source close to the project. (Handprint execs couldn't be reached for comment on the project; MTV declined comment.)

News of Dupré's reality-TV aspirations comes less than a week after she abandoned her lawsuit against Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis.

We say go for it all: 4 p.m. talk show, opposite Oprah and Ellen. Just don’t do anything with Flavor Flav, girl!

Previously on Scanner:

Ashley Alexandra Dupre has decided to drop her $10M lawsuit against Joe "Boobies" Francis
Hey Ash, Long Time, No See (And Nice Tat!)
Ex-Hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupre Speaks Out
Get Your Ashley Alexandra Dupre Drink On
Ashley Alexandra Dupre: The Last Nude Hurrah

[E! Online]

Japandering: Which U.S. Company Is Using Sex to Sell Meat Overseas?

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 14:27:00 GMT

Actually, with this restaurant chain, we use the term “meat” loosely. And with these commercials, we use the term “sex” loosely, as well…

The McGrand Tomato! When can I get one?! Yes, if you guessed McDonald’s, you’re Mc-fuckin’-accurate.

We love the slow, creepy reveal of the hamburger in each of these commercials, as if the models make it a practice to hide McGrand Tomato sandwiches in their armpits. They’re certainly not eating them…

[Angry Zen Master]

‘The Bachelorette’: What Went Wrong?

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:24:00 GMT

...Besides the entire premise of the show, we mean. Well kids, tonight’s the night! Bachelorette DeAnna takes her final three—Jason, Jeremy, and Jesse—on a tropical island adventure. We can’t wait to see if Jesse really turns down DeAnna’s invitation to spend the night…the previews made us think he wants to wait until he meets her father. But who knows! Anything can happen in the wild and unruly word of “reality” television.

Before we embark upon the sun, sand, and smarm-filled final dates, however, we thought we’d take a look back at those who went before the three J’s. Someone actually sat their ass down and transcribed words of wisdom from the booted suitors. And so we present to you, in the dudes' own words, “What Went Wrong”…

Previously:
Last Night: The Bachelorette Breakdown!
“The Bachelorette” Boys Wear Ellen DeGeneres’ Underwear
The Bachelorette: Trista And Ryan Not Divorcing, Claim Trista And Ryan

[Yahoo]

So Who’s the One Getting Her Butt Insured?

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:32:00 GMT

Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian got up early and shared not only their sisterly squabbling with Barbara, Joy and Sherri on last Friday’s The View—but also the secret to posing just like Kim. Think it’s hard?

Not if you have five-thousand-dollar hair extensions, fake nails, fake eyelashes and, um, a totally real ass.

We half love and half despise Barbara Walters trying to get some coherent answers out of the Kardashian sisters. Check out her probing questions into the secret world of celebrity (butt) endorsement...

[Jezebel]

Survey Finds Some Women Prefer TV to Sex

Ben Kallen — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 19:50:00 GMT

According to a new survey by the British telecommunications firm Tiscali, some women would rather watch Sex and the City than have sex themselves. The company queried thousands of women between the ages of 16 and 24, and found that 17 percent sometimes speed through sex or put it off entirely so they can watch their favorite programs.

Now, we have a few thoughts about this: A) 17 percent really isn't that much; B) besides, they're British; and C) who the hell is going around quizzing 16-year-olds about their sex lives?

On the other hand, we now know the perfect gift for men to buy their wives and girlfriends: A TiVo.

Charlize Theron Makes Dave Letterman Think About Penises, Even More Than Ice T...

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 21:10:00 GMT

Witness Dave’s subtle, subtle, completely non-creepy, televised mating ritual. Er, interview technique. Oh yeah, he’s sending her something, right now…

[Defamer]

In 'Gossip Girl' News: Madchen Amick to Join Cast…As a Cougar??!

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 21:07:00 GMT

We’re sorry, but do you really think “cougar” when you look at this woman? Nonetheless, anything to get Chase out of his clothes…

Lord, now we’re cougars.

Entertainment Weekly reports: “The Upper East Side is about to get its very own Mrs. Robinson! On next season's Gossip Girl, a sizzling cougar named Catherine Mason will tempt young Nate (Chace Crawford) with a little May-December love. She'll be played by Madchen Amick, last seen in CBS' Viva Laughlin as the wife of a small-time casino owner. Amick will join the cast when Girl returns to the CW on Sept. 1.”

Think we’ll see any of her twin peaks?

[via Entertainment Weekly]

ABC Doesn’t Want ‘Dirty Sexy Money’ To Get Any Dirtier, Sexier (More Money Presumably Still Okay)

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 20:48:00 GMT

Ah, Dirty Sexy Money, the soap with the best dumb-ass title currently on television. It’s like the producers wrote a bunch of “provocative” words on slips of paper, then pulled them out of a used latte cup. It might as well have been called “Nude Billionaire Boobies.” Despite the title, we actually liked the show. It seemed reasonably self-aware of its own ridiculousness, and we enjoyed our weekly romp with its various inhabitants.

But we’re not terribly happy with the (new) news that executive producer/showrunner Daniel Cerone—who was co-showrunner for Dexter—has stepped down after only four months. Apparently ABC didn’t agree with his vision that Dirty “take a darker turn next season.”

::dirty sexy sigh::

With a title like theirs, we think darker (while staying funny) is the way to go.

Nonetheless, as The Hollywood Reporter, um, reported:

Daniel Cerone has stepped down as executive producer/showrunner of ABC's "Dirty Sexy Money" after four months.

Jon Feldman, creator of another 2007 ABC drama series, "Big Shots," has come on board to exec produce and run "Dirty."

Production on the ABC Studios-produced series, which was scheduled to film until a planned July hiatus, has been shut down to give Feldman time to get up to speed. Shooting is expected to resume after the July hiatus.

Under Cerone, who previously served as a co-showrunner on Showtime's serial killer drama "Dexter," "Dirty" was to take a darker turn next season. While he ultimately was deemed not a good fit on the show, Cerone is said to be very well liked at ABC Studios, where he has a two-year overall deal. The writer-producer, who joined "Dirty" after the end of the WGA strike in February replacing John Reims, will now focus on developing new projects.

We can only cross our fingers and hope for some dirtier, sexier new projects from Cerone…

[via TV Squad and The Hollywood Reporter]