Question 4:
Most of you have commented on some of the public resistance you've encountered in writing about sex. Have you also received flack in your private lives, and have all the sacrifices been worth it?
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 Are you kidding? I am reminded of the old song which began "Two different worlds, we live in two different worlds." It summarizes neatly how many of my so-called friends and acquaintances view me as having two careers: writing about sex and sexual fantasies, and then writing about Nice Girl subjects such as mothers and daughters, jealousy and beauty. Of course the Nice Girl/Bad Girl split they see is simply projection on their part, yes, but it?s a split I've spent my life trying to resolve. I now relish knowing it is "their problem," demanding that I be taken as I am. Which is not to say that it still doesn't hurt when some of these people we socialize with either ignore my books on sex or say something like "I just love your books, no, not those about sex, but your serious books." Tell me, what could be more serious than trying to understand sex! After years of hearing this, I have come to see it as so much envy: "How can you dare be comfortable with a subject like this when it is so clear I hate my body and I don't like sex." That is what I see in their faces as I hear the put-downs. And the put-downs come in some unlikely places. Despite living in a Key West frontier town for nearly twenty years, I have never been asked to speak at the annual literary festival, which, in turn, has never addressed the subject of sex and literature. And in Washington, Connecticut, where I often spend time when in the north, the local book store, owned by supposed friends of mine, withdrew its offer to host a book party for me after learning that Women on Top wasn't a novel or a management manual but was a study of how changes in women's real lives affected their fantasy lives. As for family, they mostly refuse to mention my books on sex. The Power of Beauty, now that is a nice book, so we talk about it. But when My Secret Garden was first published, one relative wrote to tell me, "They pinned me to the wall at church over that book of yours." While the snubs and put-downs seem to be about us, the problem is really society's, beginning with our refusal to teach sex education to our children, even if their ignorance could lead to their deaths. On some level we must prefer putting them at such risk rather than making them comfortable with their bodies, making them more comfortable and happy than we could ever be. Let me add that my husband relishes my writing about sex and the ambivalence my so-called split personality sets up in others. He had read my books before we met, cheers me to write boldly, and takes the most pride in my books about sex. Some of that, no doubt, is the thrill of living vicariously, since he spends so much of his own time in an uptight environment, editing stories on tax reform, Bosnia and other more "important" issues of the day. While I know that any of us could (and do) write about other topics, I could never abandon writing about sex because it has explained more about me to myself than any other subject. The continued determination to do so, mixed with the relish that goes with saying the unspeakable because it is true and the never-ending struggle to get it all right, has won new ground on which to live. |
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