Here are some selected questions and comments from Nerve Readers regarding the "Women Writing About Sex" VoiceBox, to which both Sallie Tisdale and Betty Dodson were compelled to respond . . .
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Here are some selected questions and comments from Nerve Readers regarding the "Women Writing About Sex" VoiceBox, to which both Sallie Tisdale and Betty Dodson were compelled to respond . . . |
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How can one raise a sexually open, healthy child these days without getting arrested or harassed by the PTA? -NB 2/5/98 |
Question 1 Susie Bright Betty Dodson Nancy Friday Daphne Merkin Sallie Tisdale Question 2 Susie Bright Betty Dodson Nancy Friday Daphne Merkin Sallie Tisdale Question 3 Susie Bright Betty Dodson Nancy Friday Daphne Merkin Sallie Tisdale Question 4 Susie Bright Betty Dodson Nancy Friday Daphne Merkin Sallie Tisdale Question 5 Susie Bright Betty Dodson Nancy Friday Daphne Merkin Sallie Tisdale Question 6 Susie Bright Betty Dodson Nancy Friday Daphne Merkin Sallie Tisdale |
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Not
that easily, in fact. I do think we may be seeing
(at last) a swinging of this particular pendulum back toward tolerance,
but it will be a long while till those heady days of twenty years ago.
That's when my son was born, at home with a midwife, and it seemed
perfectly natural to talk about how sexy my big belly looked and how
arousing it felt to breastfeed, and let him run around naked and so on.
These days I'd be much more circumspect, I'm afraid. One of the things
which has most saddened me about raising children is to witness the
public schools teach units on abuse and incest starting in kindergarten,
without a word of love or sexual intimacy until fifth grade . . . How do
we do it? By honestly answering the questions we are asked by our
children, by demonstrating a respect for our own bodies and the bodies of
others, by witnessing to them the natural rightness of their own sexual
feelings, by making sure they understand boundaries and the occasional
need for discretion . . .
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Although
I've never raised a child, I've had the privilege
of mothering thousands of mothers. All the years I've worked with women
have included many aspects of nurturing: listening, sharing sex
information and talking about how to raise a sexually healthy child. I've
suggested not giving children more information than they're ready to hear
and not withholding information when it's asked for. How parents react to a child's own -- and perfectly normal -- genital exploration is his or her earliest sex ed lesson. It's been documented that the absence of sex play, especially masturbation, significantly disrupts a child's ego formation. My mother told me I could play with myself in my own room, explaining that I shouldn't touch myself "there" in front of other people. She never avoided conversations about sex, or gave me any negative messages by labeling body parts or sexual behaviors as bad. In the end, the best assurance for a sexually healthy child is having parents who are orgasmic and who enjoy sex. | ||
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Will the current set of taboos soon be lifted? Merkin admirably broke one in The New Yorker piece about her predilection for spanking. But not even the L.A. hard-core pornography business will, for example, show intercourse in the context of bondage. You go to jail for that. Clinton's scandale du jour will undoubtedly change the p.c. definition of sexual harassment for the better. What other encouraging signs, if any, can be seen? Or are we in for the McKinnon/Helms definition of what is good for us in the foreseeable future? -BM 2/6/98 |
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The
most effective set of taboos are the ones we allow to
have power over us. If I believe adult masturbation is healthy and fun, I
simply have to have the courage of my convictions and share my belief
with people close to me. When I wanted to go public, I started speaking
my mind out loud. Once I realized I was the author of my sex life and
could determine what was good for me, the concept of p.c. sex became
laughable. Imagine being an artist who had to create politically correct
art? Sex is like art. It's about our individual intelligence, creativity
and aesthetics. The most encouraging sign is people enjoying sex on their
own terms alone, and communicating agreements when they're sharing sex
with one or more people.
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I'd also like to see you focus on the pornographic in popular culture, the things society accepts by and large that sit on the acceptable end of the sexual continuum (i.e. shows like Melrose Place, the obligatory love interest and sex scene in almost all movies produced today, the premature sexualization of children in beauty contests). -BM 2/6 |
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I'm
glad someone brought this up. I'm a big fan of
Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, except for one thing: the continual
need to dress the main character in her underwear. It's gotten quite
strange: even when everyone else is in a sweater, she's in an intsy-bitsy
camisole thingy. This is pointless to me and directly undercuts the rest
of her character development. JonBenet Ramsey, in the saddest way, has
at least allowed a public discourse of some kind on the sexualizing of
small children. There is a big difference between normal child sexuality
and the adult overlay, the veneer we put on top of it. Same with
adolescents, who are deeply, continually sexual but who are expected to
show it only in truncated and gender-ritualized ways. I do think it's to
the betterment of real sexual liberation to counter these mythic images
(i.e. gorgeous young thin blond people; ferocious male lust; female
ambivalence; predatory lone pedophiles; the asexualizing of anyone who
isn't gorgeous, young, thin and blond) in the mainstream with our own
images of real sex.
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Pornography
simply means pictures and words dealing with
human sexuality. Whether those images are to my liking is a question of
personal taste. My objection to the obligatory love interest and sex
scenes in most movies today is that they too often lack any freshness or
creativity. Formula-anything becomes boring. As for the "premature
sexualization of children" our biggest mistake is ignoring that children
are sexual. Beauty contests at any age perpetuate the myth that the
pretty girl gets her man. We are brainwashed to see women from a very
narrow perspective. Watch out guys! The same thing is slowly happening to
you. We'll all be at the plastic surgeons trying to emulate
society's current stereotype of what is beautiful or handsome.
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This li'l roundtable is cool! I love the tone, so different from the patriarchal model (for lack of a better term) of competitive posturing rather than cooperative exploring. It's so . . . round. I could tell from the questions themselves to the first responses that this was not the usual non-listening talking heads. It's a pleasure to see these women listening, and then building on what the others have said. An actual conversation! -CS 2/11/98 |
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A
better term for "patriarchal model" would be
authoritarian model. We're talking about a power structure, and when we
say it's "patriarchal" that leaves out the necessary support system of
the matriarchy. Both mother and father can be cruel or benevolent
dictators. When we leave women out of the power equation, we're all
reduced to helpless victims.
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In response to Sallie Tisdale's comments in the VoiceBox #4 question: Come on, Sallie, we don't know that the prostitute in Deconstructing Harry is sane, healthy or happy. She could be. Or she could be screwing up her life. There is nothing in the film that gives us a reason to deduce either conclusion. In fact, nobody has ever seemed interested in genuinely asking or confronting the question: Can prostitution be a legitimate job/lifestyle requiring no "excuses"? -CB 2/12 |
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I
denote her as sane, healthy and happy relative to every
other person in that film, especially in her unapologetic honesty about
her life. Who's to say what the absolute standard for happiness is? But
surely an ability to be introspective and own one's own life is part of
it. She's the only character who does. And as she says, sure beats
waitressing. I take issue with the "nobody has ever seemed interested"
comment -- not true! In fact, prostitutes themselves have been
intelligently, articulately and, to the extent possible, publicly been
asking these questions for a long time. Only recently have they begun to
be heard. There are many books and resources for anyone interested in
the real lives of prostitutes, happy and otherwise.
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Prostitution
can never be a legitimate job as long as
paying directly for sex remains illegal. I love what Margo St. James
said: A prostitute only rents her body while a married woman has sold it.
America pretends all married men are monogamous, and we're convinced all
sex workers are sick. How we view prostitution is how we really feel
about sex. When society honors sexual expression and stops trying to
control women, prostitution could become a most enjoyable, honorable and
profitable profession. For me, there's nothing more satisfying than being
paid for sex. It's the same as being an artist and selling a painting.
Although it's work I love, getting paid means I'm being recognized as a
professional, my time is valued and my talent and expertise is honored.
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Thank you! Enlightening, refreshing, thought-provoking, comforting and probably a thousand other adjectives could describe this five-way email conversation. As a forty-eight-year-old feminist who never "allowed myself" to look at erotica until last summer, I am aware that bursting out of my outdated (for me) ideas of feminism has been long overdue. I now write erotica on the net and enjoy sexually-charged email conversations with a variety of men and women as a result. But when I try to carry this same exuberant appreciation for things sexual into my so-called real life, my friends and family are aghast. I have come to believe that my weight gain over the years was an attempt to squelch my wild sexual yearnings and fantasies, and that both of those -- the squelching and the weight gain -- were the death of my marriage. I do not desire marriage again, but I do desire partner sex to supplement the wonderful fantasies and masturbatory experiences I have come to cherish. What a privilege to hear this dialogue from some of the women whose books have brought me such pleasure. And finally finding books by Bright, Dodson and Friday at a mainstream bookstore like Borders has been sheer delight -- as well as fun at the checkout counter. Keep up the good work at Nerve. I love it! -SCW 2/15/98 |
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Congratulations!
You've had an uphill battle and you
haven't quit. I wish you the best of luck and sexual health. The
emancipation of one is a part of the emancipation of us all.
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Responses
like this make it all worthwhile. Thanks. | ||
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