Question 4:
Most of you have commented on some of the public resistance you've encountered in writing about sex. Have you also received flack in your private lives, and have all the sacrifices been worth it?
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 I was surprised by how bad the public punishments were, and how minor the private ones were. I have to reiterate what I said earlier: the most important point here is that sex does exist in a separate category. Editors, critics, publishers, readers, other writers -- almost all of us -- approach and respond to writing about sex differently than writing about other subjects. (Daphne made the point that only certain higher-pantheon male writers can get away with it. What do you think would happen if Mailer or Updike suddenly wrote about tender homosexual relations instead of dysfunctional heterosexual ones?) My partner was unhappy about my decision to write about sex, but he survived. All he could express were inchoate discomforts without specific complaints; just a general sense of being exposed to view, I think. My friends took me seriously and were quite supportive during the publicity maelstrom around Talk Dirty to Me. I was particularly worried about my religious community. I am in a senior position in a Soto Zen temple, and had numerous conversations with my teacher about my reasons for coming "out" in public about sex. A significant amount of Buddhist practice focuses on being non-judgmental and accepting -- sometimes Buddhists bend over backward covering up their feelings in order to do that! But the main reaction was curiosity. A lot of people wondered how my kids, particularly my two teenage sons, took it. I worried a bit, too; teenagers are so sensitive to public opinion and so embarrassed by their parents. They simply ignored the whole thing -- including the book itself and some of my research materials -- and I realized after a while that Mom was just Mom: boring and old! And nothing Mom could do would be particularly interesting, so that was that. I did, however, receive more than one letter informing me I was a bad parent, abusive, cruel, and "had no right" to raise children. All from people of Immaculate Conception, I'm sure. My family -- aunts, siblings, etcetera -- long ago labeled me the outlaw and rebel in the group, and didn't seem particularly surprised or bothered. Just one more drop in the bucket to them, and not quite as weird as being a Buddhist. The most revealing responses took place on the line between private and public -- that is, from strangers who believed that by writing about sex, I had given up the realm of the private. Surely you've all had this experience! I've been asked utterly intrusive questions; I've been kissed, fondled, and propositioned; I've been cursed and insulted -- by strangers -- in ways that are normally reserved for intimate relationships. One of the most involved aspects of the public perception of female sexuality is that women who talk about it must want it, without limits, without rules. And men -- when will men stop assuming that if a woman says sex in their presence, it means sex with them? Oh, well. Women did this to me, too, in lesser numbers. |
Question 1 Susie Bright Betty Dodson Nancy Friday Daphne Merkin Sallie Tisdale Question 2 Susie Bright Betty Dodson Nancy Friday Daphne Merkin Sallie Tisdale Question 3 Susie Bright Betty Dodson Nancy Friday Daphne Merkin Sallie Tisdale Question 4 Susie Bright Betty Dodson Nancy Friday Daphne Merkin Sallie Tisdale Question 5 Susie Bright Betty Dodson Nancy Friday Daphne Merkin Sallie Tisdale Question 6 Susie Bright Betty Dodson Nancy Friday Daphne Merkin Sallie Tisdale |
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