  (Part 4 of 8) previous letter Dennis, Your letter got me really pissed off. I wasn't going to write you back, but I thought about it, and I feel like I don't have a choice. I've really, really fucked things up here, not that you give a shit obviously. So yeah, whatever you fucking want. I'm just worried you don't love me anymore, because you haven't written that in a while, and that's all I've got to live for right now. So if you could just tell me that you do, that would be cool. I'll probably come anyway, but that would help, because I am kind of scared. You're getting pretty heavy on me, and I don't really have a problem with that, but the whole thing for me is that you love me, and if you don't anymore, then I don't know what the fuck to do. If you love me, I'll do fucking anything you want, don't you know that? I fucking swear. I don't know what you want me to say about your rules. I feel like I don't know what answers you expect, and I'm bad when I don't know what people want, because I always make the wrong decision, if it's up to me, but I guess you're saying I have to answer or you won't bring me down there and give me money and all that, so here you go. (1) Fine with you making a reservation so I won't be able to sell the ticket. I won't even get off the bus to take a shit, okay? The thing is, I don't have any ID except for fake ID, so make the reservation or ticket or whatever for James Ravell. It's a long story. (2) I think I answered that. (3) I think it's really unfair of you to ask me that, because you know how hard it is for me. I told you I love you. All I can say is that the only person I've said that about is my daughter. You make me feel like I'm important. I'd be upset if you were dead. If someone fucked you over, I'd fuck them over. I've jacked off thinking about you holding me in your arms and telling me the kinds of things you said in your letters a while back. I don't know what else to say. I'm going to come down there and be with you even though it scares the shit out of me, and part of me is worried you're going to kill me. I mean, I'm not really worried, but you know what I mean. That's a big fucking sacrifice on my part, so I guess that must mean I love you. (4) The heroin deal's not going to happen now probably, because I sort of fucked it all up, so you don't have to worry about that. (5) I ask myself that question every fucking day. I don't think I'm worth shit. You're the one who thinks I'm so great. So I don't know how to answer that question, because it seems like a trick question to me, but then I can be really paranoid. I'm worth all this shit because I'm your friend, and because I'm going to let you do shit to me that I would never let anybody else do, and because you probably couldn't get anybody else to do that shit with you, and because I'm great- looking like you said, okay? (6) I already told you that you can have any kind of sex you want to with me, but, if you don't mind, I don't want to talk about the details anymore. Yeah, whatever you want, Dennis. Go for it. I've been in jail enough times that I think I can deal with whatever you're talking about. Remind me to tell you sometime about the shit I went through in jail, because you'd probably really get off on it. Imagine someone who looks like me in jail, and figure it out. (7) You don't have to worry about me taking off, as long as I have my dope, and you have a TV and maybe a VCR. So does that answer your rules? Now get me the fucking ticket, Dennis, so we can be together. No offense. Gregg Dear Dennis, You're going to be pissed off, but I have to change the plan a little. Just read this and you'll see why this has to happen, and why it'll be great for both of us. I fixed it so I could see those dealer guys after all, but they can't do it on Monday night, so I changed the bus ticket for a different day, and I'll call you from a pay phone near their place when I'm finished with the deal, because you shouldn't have to hassle with it anyway, and it's safer for both of us if I deal with it myself. So I'll call you, and don't be pissed off, okay? Gregg [next letter] |