Dating Advice From . . . Glassblowers by Ariana Green Q: How does your job affect your skill set in the bedroom?
A: I work with beads, so I don't do much blowing. Working as a glassblower makes you immune to double entendres, by the way.
ext thing you know, I was all out of underwear. No clean underwear in days.
I was tired of going commando. I was tired of the chafe. Here in my mother's underwear drawer was a nice fresh pair without those little frills or bows. My mother was a big, wise woman and maybe she had no truck with frills or bows. Here was a nice fresh pair with a nice clean stain. It wasn't dirty. It was a
promotion
stain. It was something that maybe came out of her one night, her all alone in the house with no husband around anymore. I slipped on my mother's underwear under my jeans and went to the door.
"Bye, Mom," I said.
It'd been a short visit. She waved to me from the divan. I waved back and headed for home. Home was a little hole where I sat around, too broke to do my laundry, making up dumb songs about my soiled nature. I was singing in a loud and somewhat spastic rock band.
That night was the big show.
It felt good up there on stage for the big show in my mother's underwear. It felt like the truth of what we were trying to do. I doubt I could tell you now what we were trying to do but I knew then that my mother's underwear was crucial. No frills. Lonely emissions.
My mother's underwear was kind of silky, kind of cottony. The fabric rubbed me, nudged me with a gentle power. It did not judge. It loved. It forgave. It forgave the crotch sweat and the ass sweat that sopped it, all those hot gels, all that booze and speed. I knew I had a good secret up there on me under my jeans and it gave me a feeling of luck. It gave me a feeling of not-so-gentle power. Her stain, it rubbed me, too. I stood up there and judged them all. I was loud and very unforgiving.
Afterward, a woman I'd always wanted to fuck bought me a drink. I could tell she wanted to fuck me too. I don't think she'd ever felt this way until tonight. I'd never had lucky underwear on until tonight. I'd never had lucky anything on. We went to her place and started to do all that sucking and squeezing and spelunking that is all I've ever really wanted from this life. She pulled down my mother's underwear with her teeth and I was glad there were no bows. While she pulled I saw her eyes move across what she was pulling. I wondered if she saw the stain.
"What are these?" the woman said.
"These are weird," the woman said. "They're like big panties."
I guess any fool could see they were like big panties. The woman seemed pleased. She wanted to know if this was my kick, my kink, my thing. I guess I should have told her yes and gotten on with all I've ever really wanted from this life. Instead I told her the God's honest truth: I didn't have my own clean pair. I told her I stole these from my mother's underwear drawer.
People always want to hear about your kicks, your kinks. But try telling them about the power of your mother's underwear.
All of a sudden the woman's boyfriend was coming over. She'd forgotten all about it but now she suddenly remembered that her boyfriend was coming over. He'll be really pissed at both of us, she said. He'll be especially pissed at you, she said, he thinks you're his friend.
"What kind of friend are you, anyway?" said the woman.
I got up and got out of there. I walked the streets. I was soiled, I was unnatural, but I was big and wise and blessed.
n°
Sam Lipsyte is the author of a story collection, Venus Drive, and a novel,The Subject Steve. His fiction has been published in The Quarterly and Open City.
Fifty-Five Fucks by Sam Lipsyte
"I wanted her to come in a way that all the times she might ever come afterward would just be some twitchy thing to do instead of reading that book or making that call."
Priapus Weeps: Two Ways Not to Get Off by Sam Lipsyte The Multi-Orgasmic Man: Sexual Secrets Every Man Should Know by Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams Arava and His Secret Life: Male Sexual Fantasies by Bob Berkowitz
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
