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JANUARY 19 - 25
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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
"Avocado" comes from the Nahuatl word "ahucatl," meaning "testicle." Avocadoes are self-pollinating and even come in their own bowls. This week your independence may be challenged. We recommend that, like the avocado, you continue to do your own thing. Even if it means spending half the day musing on the etymology of "guacamole," from "ahucatl" (again, that's "testicle") and "molli" ("sauce"). |
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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Look, Aquarius, no one else is going to tell you, but your texts can be confusing as hell. Blame it on the auto-correcting smart phone, but when you're sending messages about cannibals and good ducks, do you really mean cabbies and good fucks? Take care this week to make sure your communication skills are clear, concise, and do not at all involve fucking ducks. |
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Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Your easy-going nature can make the Dude look like a Little Lebowski Urban Achiever. This week, however, with a push from your ruling planet, Neptune, you'll find reserves of strength and stamina you never knew you had — and you'll experience the serotonin floods that only come when you finish something. Your achievements will continue through the middle of next month if you keep in mind that this isn't 'Nam, and there are rules. |
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Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
David Lynch delivers a weather report every day on his website. This is humorous, in part because the weather doesn't change much in L.A. Take your cue from that, Aries: with Mercury in retrograde, be wary of too much change. And if people mistake this for arrogance, correct them: It's self-confidence. Deny your dare-devil instincts and stay put this week. Oh, and the owls are not what they seem. |
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Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Tap dancers in the subway and speakeasies all over town enhance the general feeling of a New Depression Era. But lucky you: Your finances look good this week. Just remember to invest in relationships as well, or you'll be drinking your bathtub gin all by your lonesome. |
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Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Opportunistic Mercury rules this week, Gemini, so even though your adaptability has gotten you used to a less-than-perfect situation, remember there are two sides to every coin and be ready to flip things around. Make the worst-dressed list? Blog about it. Stuck taxiing the runway? Start a grounded chapter of the mile-high club. In the words of Atmosphere, when life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold. |
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Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Let it go, Cancer. Your protective streak is in overdrive this week and though your motivations are pure, you're driving people to the edge. Back off a little bit, and remember that sometimes the person who looks submissive is actually in control: think Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader in Secretary. Time for you to pick a safe word, and assume the position. |
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Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
The sun, your ruling planet, is heating up things for you this week, Leo — and your generous nature will ensure big returns, though perhaps not the kind you expected. Toward the end of the week, you can chase your financial woes away by remembering the simple things: a bag of marshmallows, a roaring fire and a frisky fellow camper will help put everything in perspective. |
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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
At the 1941 Academy Awards, How Green Was My Valley took home the Award for Best Picture over Citizen Kane. People still don't understand why. Are you feeling a little misunderstood this week, Virgo? Don't be sad. Your perfectionism will lead to an award-worthy bedroom performance during the weekend. You'll be thanked more than any Academy can offer.
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Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Jack White said once that the internet was like a chemistry set. Maybe it's time for you to mess around with it and see sparks fly — you're ruled by Venus, and this week, with Jupiter in your house of passion, free love trumps stability. If you're taken, use the 'net to take it to the next level. Single? Get a profile up there, Libra, and enjoy the explosions. |
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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Vegas has its high points (buffets, hookers and winning!) and its lows (buffets, hookers and losing), but people still love to visit. Take this to heart in your relationships this week. Though you usually play your cards close to your vest, it's time to trust your instincts and show your hand. You can't reap the big rewards unless you go all in. Might we suggest double-down, as well?
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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
There's something odd about the lyrics to Christina Aguilera's song "Genie in a Bottle". You rub the bottle to get the genie. You don't rub the genie. Though we rarely look to Xtina for enlightenment, this week, consider: Are your wishes not being granted because you're rubbing the wrong thing? |
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