Dating Advice From . . . Glassblowers by Ariana Green Q: How does your job affect your skill set in the bedroom?
A: I work with beads, so I don't do much blowing. Working as a glassblower makes you immune to double entendres, by the way.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Lifestyle reportedly offered Miley Cyrus one million dollars to pimp their condoms, but the stars say you're the one in much greater need. Lately, the only thing more dangerous than taking Miss Cleo to the race track has been your sex life, and Jupiter's shift into retrograde means that your luck might be running out. Financial troubles may combine with an unwanted sexual consequence. Watch out.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Life has been running as smoothly as vodka, but those big life questions are starting to creep past the booze. Good God, you exclaim while perusing IMDb. Jason Biggs is thirty. . . and so am I! Obviously, taking up baking to wholesome-ize your life is out of the question. Mars' alignment with Jupiter signals that something sexy and serious will be entering your life soon. Take a shot.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Just so you know, those bumper stickers aren't true. Beer isn't cheaper than gas yet, and that's a good thing — you don't need another excuse to eat your PBR-krispies for breakfast. Besides, you don't even own a car. Still, your summer-consumptive ways are about to pay off. Venus' entrance into your second house signals a business opportunity. Treat your boss to a three-martini lunch and watch word of your new promotion flow off his tongue.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
We all know you have a reputation for the daring, but lately, your romantic game has been less on-target than the PhotoShoppers at Maxim. You've been pasting the head over the shoulders, so to speak, and at the bar your gaze has met her breasts, not her eyes. Your third house is lit. As a result, there's time to recapture the prize if you gleam some decade-old wisdom and learn how to become a ‘90s kind of man. Rent seasons one through three of Mad About You and do not stop watching until you cry. Then everything will be okay.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
We know the paranoia's getting to you: if Ted Stevens can get busted all the way up in Alaska, you're surely next. Do yourself a favor: table the glassware for a day and step out of the haze. Mars' entrance into your fifth house will bring a surprising career opportunity (though, for you, this might mean any career opportunity). Embrace it with open arms. Even though you've put on a little weight, Wall-E is not starting the revolution against fat people, and the IRS doesn't care about you or those free Quiznos sandwiches you didn't report on your tax return.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Mars is in your ninth house this week, Capricorn, and the stars see exciting travels awaiting you. But you know what the stars can't see? Gas prices! So that means you may be in for the oh-so-topical "staycation." (A humble request: kill that word, then kill us for using it.) You could always walk, bike, or take a train to some ho-hum nearby location, but where's the fun in that? If we're staying somewhere, we're going to stay good and hard — right on our couch. Watch all seven seasons of Buffy. Play a truly epic game of Risk. Find a make-out buddy and really go at it. Yes, we know you spent hours getting that perfect summer body, but people can still see it — that's what webcams are for.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Remember that horrible day in high school when you came home to find your room, that Fortress of Solitude/Bat Cave/Whatever Wonder Woman Had of your adolescent self, suddenly clean? And you were struck with the fear that your mother had found every bit of incriminating evidence of your bad behavior? What we're trying to say, Aquarius, is check your locks: because of the two eclipses in August, this week will bring an especially high risk of unwanted interruptions and intrusions. If you don't want your girlfriend finding that freaky cartoon porn in the back of your closet (even if it was just a joke gift from your friends), then take extra care when it comes to keeping your private area secured.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Saturn will be wreaking some havoc on you this week, Pisces, and its rapid moves will have your neurons feeling as fried as mozzarella sticks. (Mmm.) Even if you normally pride yourself on being able to finish the Friday crossword puzzle (with a pen, even), you may find yourself stumped as early as Tuesday. We know it's hard to admit defeat, but don't worry too much — this isn't a Flowers for Algernon situation. In the meantime, you may need to stick to things that are short and sweet, and we just don't mean that cute guy in your building who's 5'5". We hear there are some lovely haikus out there.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Don't expect that fine piece of ass to just waltz into your apartment and take off her panties. The combination of the solar eclipse and Saturn's presence in your third house means you're going to have to work hard for that booty, but take it from us: it is totally worth it. Did you know she's a gymnast? And she lacks a gag reflex? Keep your eyes on the prize here, play it cool, and be aggressive. If you're careful in your pursuit, you'll be handsomely rewarded. If you're clumsy and lazy, the only date you'll have is with Mr. Jack Daniels and Mr. Jon Stewart. Very sexy gentleman callers each, but will they hold you late at night when the tears come?
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Feeling slutty? Venus and Mercury are transiting through your fourth house of adventure and sexuality, making you prone to public make-out sessions and bringing sexy strangers home. Even if it's not usually your bag, we suggest you roll with it. Mars is in your fourth house, freeing you of responsibility and consequence. Just don't let anything get caught on film — those pics probably aren't just for his private collection. And if you see Joe Francis, you know it's time to pull up your pants and make a speedy exit (especially seeing as that means you've somehow ended up in prison). And remember: no glove, no love.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
We know you've got big ideas — stain-resistant sheets, reality-TV stardom, a combo stapler and record player — but hold off, my friend. Your dreams will have to wait. Now is not the time to move forward in life. Now is the time to click on random Wikipedia links, play text twist and watch too much Adult Swim. The stars are aligned against successes — Mars square with Pluto is an astrological kick in your Gemini pants, and the solar and lunar eclipses happening recently point to trouble on the road. So don't go out, don't get in a car, and definitely don't try road head. It will not end well.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
We normally like to live week-to-week, by the seat of our pants, and revel in the present moment. But considering last-minute airline prices nowadays, here's a sneak peak: Pluto will align with Uranus and Mercury in early October, which signals a fabulous time for travel. So make plans to extend your summer. You're not ready for the cold again, and the end of August has you more flustered than Dick Cheney at Club Love. As far as this week goes, show some skin and store some Vitamin D. All signs point to romance this weekend, Dick or no.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
