Dating Advice From . . . Glassblowers by Ariana Green Q: How does your job affect your skill set in the bedroom?
A: I work with beads, so I don't do much blowing. Working as a glassblower makes you immune to double entendres, by the way.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
With the eclipse centered on you this month, you'll be singing your heart out like Bonnie Tyler. Forever's going to start tonight, baby! Eclipses are supposed to switch things up, bring you out of a rut and allow you to move forward on a fresh and clean slate. But you have to make it through the "switch things up" part before you can begin fresh. So don't force destiny this week — you can only reap the full benefits of the eclipse by going with the flow and judging on instinct and spontaneity. Turn around, bright eyes, there's nothing you can do but embrace this total eclipse (of the heaaaaaaart).
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Eclipses are back! But for the first time, you're not the subject of this planetary phenomenon. This is unfortunate, because you could really use an astrological cleansing to freshen your spirit and get rid of all the negative energies building up inside of you. You've never been one to scream and break things when upset, but there's a first time for everything, Virgo. Just don't blame it on the August heat. We suggest you stay in confined, isolated areas. Check in to the latest asylum or offer to volunteer at the nearest nursing home. These sacrifices will prevent you from waking up with urges to bitchslap your lover, or Lorena Bobbitt your boyfriend's balls. Lay low this week, and soon your balance will be restored.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
The eleventh house is ruling your sign this month, bringing a focus on fun and friendship. We wouldn't want all the fun and partying to distract you from your goals... but who cares about going off track for a little? There's one more month of summer, so carpe diem! But take things slow. The coming of the second eclipse this week emphasizes the potential birth of a child. Have you been having sloppy, unprotected sex? Sure, skin on skin feels so much better than humping latex, but do you really want a bun in the oven to ruin your romantic life and sexual success? So take this sign as a warning and stock your closet with condoms. And please, don't double-bag it before you shag it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Watch that dirty mouth, Scorpio. If you're not careful, it'll get you in trouble this week. No matter how inept your coworker might be, or how great last night's sex was, you need to keep a lid on it. If you simply must talk smack, write it in your journal and try to keep it private, because this week Jupiter and Saturn have it in for you. And those are, like, really big planets. If you must be a chatty Kathy, at least get paid for it. Maybe you could snag a job as a phone-sex operator, or become Perez Hilton. Whatever you do, don't post crappy poetry on your MySpace page. It didn't work for Tila, and it won't work for you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Look, we're not saying that you normally would do this, but if you're thinking about cheating on your significant other, this is not the week to do so. You're guaranteed to get caught with your pants down. And your tongue down someone's throat. And with other things in... other places. The point is: Pluto has it in for you, the little bastard. And Pluto may not be a planet any more, but you still don't want to be on that guy's shit list. If you're single, take your pants off and have a good time. Just check ID first — you'll want to make sure your potential lay isn't a friend's ex or under eighteen.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
What's that? There's a little voice inside you telling you what to do? That's weird. It's telling you to save your money? Oh, that's actually kind of a good idea. Sorry, we thought you were going Anne Heche on us for a second. You should definitely save your cash right now; the stars say things are about to get tight. So hit up the Taco Bell value menu, buy a couple five-dollar foot longs, and if things get really bad (they will) you can always sell your panties on Craigslist. Here's a tip: get a P.O. box and don't forget that they don't actually have to be your panties. Your roommate wears underwear too... right?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You have a few more sweet, precious days of Mars in Virgo this week, so take a cue from the planet of war and be more aggressive. But not in a SALT II-violating kind of way. Everyone loves a little demonstrated interest, but if you nuke someone with text-message propositions and invites to "hang out" in your apartment, they're probably going to think you're a sketchball, no matter how charming and mysterious you fancy yourself. (That goes for you too, Paul Janka.) But neither do you have to go all Disney-movie and rely on your adorable pet puppies falling in love to make a move. Strike a middle ground, maybe even have normal conversations with the people you're interested in, and things will progress so well the PUAs will be looking on in envy. And possibly saying things that aren't "blow me," but that subconsciously sound like "blow me."
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
What with all of the music industry's money being split in three equal parts by Madonna, Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers nowadays, what's a mom-and-pop indie rocker like you to do? Even if that dissonant spoken-word thing with all of the pots and pans that you and your buddies recorded when you were wasted last month was a "conceptual masterpiece," to quote yourself, nary a fish is biting over at the iTunes music store. Well, we have some bad news for you, Pisces: as Mars enters your eighth house this week, the pickings are only going to get slimmer. (Maybe Miley and the Jonases will stage a coup against Madge?) Consider starting a band with your actual mom and pop to appeal to that "family values" music-listening bloc; Lord knows HM isn't doing it for them anymore.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
When it gets this unbearably hot, it's perfectly natural to want a vacay. And it isn't just the sun's burning rays which are pushing you in that direction: it's also the Sun, capital-S, which is burning up in your fifth house. Even if you don't have the inclination (or the corrupt, bloodthirsty drug dealers on your trail) to go on a Pineapple Express-esque pot-fueled adventure, you can at least swing a pot-fueled adventure at the beach, or even just across the street, if you are so inclined. It'll be a nice release to stretch your legs, expand your mind, and all of that jazz... just don't let Rosie Perez catch you.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
We know you like to sit at home, Taurus, and watch those home-renovation shows on HGTV while thinking, "Hey, I should do that." We're right there with you, but because of the full moon this will be your time to actually get out those nails and that hammer and get busy. Rip down shelves, repaint walls, put up new shelves — the sky's the limit. Of course, there will come a point when you've paddled so far up your remodeling river that you feel like you're in a home décor version of Heart of Darkness. (The horror! The horror!). When you finally think you're in over your head, just make sure you have a phonebook handy and give a call to a good carpenter. If you're lucky, maybe he'll be easy on the eyes and you'll have some more jobs for him to do…in your bedroom.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Mars will be throwing you for a whirl this week, Gemini, so be careful. Not only will you be feeling as wound up as someone who's just downed a whole pack of Red Bull, but you'll be wanting to do something crazy with all that energy. Take our advice and stick to the small stuff: jaywalking, maybe some prank calls, or jumping the turnstile in your local subway station. Hopefully you'll be able to get your daredevil itch taken care of that way, so that when that married coworker starts to get a little too close to you at the bar, you'll resist temptation. And if you can't? Well, take a lesson from Anna Karenina and keep everyone involved away from the train station.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Strap in, Cancer, because this week you'll be going through more changes in fortune than the characters in Jane Eyre. Because of the two eclipses this month, you'll have the potential to both gain and lose a lot of dough, cheese, bread, etc. (Is anyone else hungry now?) So what to do if you're getting the cash and not bleeding your savings account dry? We think it may be time to take a tip from the Depression and stuff it all into a mattress — who knows what will happen if it's in a bank? And if you get the short end of this astrological shake-down, it may be time to look into a part-time job. May we suggest governess for a dashing-but-mysterious man like Mr. Rochester?
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
