The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Dating Advice From . . . Engineers by Steph Auteri Q. For optimal functionality, what should go into a first-date emergency kit? A. Fine wine, road flares, a snake-bite kit and Ghirardelli chocolates.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Has that old bug, self-consciousness, has been creeping up on you lately? Have you been more covered-up than the John Edwards sex scandal? Now's the time to regain your cocky swagger — or else. If you don't get that boost you need, you'll end up cowering in a public bathroom like our populist friend while the world descends upon you. Then again, since you're most likely not a highly visible public figure, you might want to get up close and personal with any of your videographer friends. Sometimes you've gotta fake your own star power, to discover that you are truly dazzling. Just follow Leo's advice, and keep the tape once the fun is done.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Admit it: You're a little sexually attracted to the female robot from Wall-E, and well, we can't really blame you. But don't think you can't get her (or her non-fiction equivalent) this week. The planets are sending you some fiery foreplay assistance, and while you shouldn't use that as a pickup line, it does mean that the stars are right for something moving into your pants. Play it cool and trust that you're suddenly looking twice as good in your dive's poor lighting. Soon enough, you'll be screaming "Eeeeeeve!" all night long.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
If you're like us (and if you're basing your life around the predictions of a bunch of writers who get stoned and stare at the sky through a homemade telescope, you probably are) you're looking to shed those mourning pounds you put on while drinking through Morgan Freeman's time in critical condition. Your most romantic day of the month and your last chance for some summer nookie is this Saturday. So right now, it's time to imagine Morgan Freeman's beautiful baritone voice uttering those five simple words: Get to the gym, fatty.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Have you been more uncomfortable around your mate lately than the Olsen twins at a Bob Saget roast? Admit it — the similarities are shocking; there's a lot of booze and there are accusations of you sleeping with John Stamos. Even if you've thought about it (and c'mon, we have) there's no reason to endure his threats to now cheat on you with Rebecca Romijn. Uranus coming into your sixth house will bring a Barack Obama-sized heaping of change. Dump it in the CoinStar, get some cold hard cash, and move your sexy ass on today.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Everyone forgets the September blues, but they're hitting you, Capricorn. You just used up your vacation time for the next year; the coming of fall means winter; and you're so horny you were even picturing what's under Hillary's pantsuit, and dreaming of a cat fight between her and Michelle Obama. Okay — that might just be John McCain's secret fantasy — but whether it's your androgynous boss or the smoke-stained guy at the halal cart, Venus's shift into your fourth house has you running up the wall. Leave the local dive behind and try something new. What about that club that features glow sticks and pudding wrestling? Pop the right pills, and you just might find something to light up your heart.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Has money been tighter than Prince's pants circa 1980? Do we have an unnatural sexual obsession with John Stamos? If the answers to the above are yes (and they are) the only remedy is a road trip. Let's face it — gas is never going to be this cheap again, and Mercury is moving into your travel sector. Go down south where the drinking's cheap and the boys are easy (or vice-versa) and let loose. It may not bring long-term solutions, but you'll discover some temporary wonders.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Deep down, are you a homebody who's ecstatic that it's fall? Have you missed your excuses to stay in and feel slightly perverted that Gossip Girl turns you on? It's probably best. Uranus's aligned with Jupiter, which bodes bad news on the financial and disaster fronts. It's best to say sober in public and out of harm's way this week. Live vicariously through Mad Men, but please, resist the urge to squeeze your secretary's ass.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Remember those days where you weren't broke, your parents covered your insurance, and you had enough cash to spend on party favors? Even if those days feel like a mere daydream now, since summer is almost over, we encourage you to pretend that you have the time and money to rage like a rock star. You know that if you don't get your fix of hedonism while it's still decent outside, you'll be miserable once those leaves start to change. So, book a flight to somewhere tropical, drag your partner in crime and get jiggy with it like Will Smith on crack. You may end up half naked, eloped and completely broke in some alleyway in Cancun, but [insert justification for shameless acts here]. We say: whatever, summer only comes once a year!
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Mars battling Jupiter at the beginning of the month is good for your energy, and you'll feel more focused and motivated than you have all summer. This is all wonderful news and perfect timing: while summer's coming to an end, your path for success is just beginning. The stars are aligned, promising a successful month ahead that involves wealth and romance! Okay, we can't one-hundred-percent promise all these things, but wouldn't it be cool if our forecasts actually came true?
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Are you still hung over from that ill-advised "chug when Barack says ‘hope' or ‘change'" drinking game? Well, we're here to soldier on. Saturn is in your fifth house, and that signals that something good (and pleasurable) will happen this week. Call up that hot young thing you've had your eye on and suggest you watch the GOP Convention together. Then, play a tongue-in-cheek "shots whenever McCain mentions getting shot down or being a POW." God bless America.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the most sexually desperate one of all? The answer (your ex) might surprise you. Pluto's pulling into orbit, and will dump some old baggage onto your front door. Bolt that lock and let the smooth vibrations of your cell phone glide to voicemail all night long. You'll get the sweet satisfaction of your ex begging to see you, without all the awkwardness over home fries the next morning.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
If Anne Hathaway has taught us anything, it's that there's a princess inside each of us. That, and never let naked pictures of yourself leave your possession, or else they might end up in the hands of the FBI. We're not saying the government will get involved, but this week sordid secrets from your past might be revealed. It's time to tie up some loose ends: set your Facebook profile to friends-only, burn the diary you kept during your ecstasy phase, and make nice with any former-lovers out for revenge. The whole "it was artistic" excuse doesn't protect you much when your naughty bits are being forwarded around the office.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
