61 Frames Per Second by John Constantine Today in Nerve's videogame blog: Street Fighter. The movie. A new one. With that chick from that Superman show. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Mad Men's January Jones struts her stuff in Vanity Fair. Plus: Damages returns, the latest Gossip Girl guest star and Donna Martin capitulates.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Oh baby, take another little piece of my heart. . . TAKE IT! We know you’ve been quite the Casanova this week whoring around town with your smooth talking/Freddie Prinze Jr. act (lame, but it seems to be working for you). But be careful not to break too many hearts, because they say karma’s a bitch and women know how to handle revenge. Getting caught red-handed will only get you stripped, handcuffed and kicked out on the streets. (We’ve been there and it’s not pretty.) We’re not saying that misfortune is inevitable, but please, you don’t want to be “that guy,” or girl, for that matter.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Dearest Libra, this is a good week to pursue some selfless activities, such as volunteering or charity work. We know you're a Mother Teresa at heart but this week is an especially good time to show off your innate compassion. Saturn conjuncts the sun this week, which will only enhance your positive energy and those wonderful astrologic gods, will reward you. But what the bleep do we really know. . . ?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
What’s that smell? Breathe in deep because love is in the air! We apologize for that corny intro but Jupiter is rocking your House of Love this week, which can only mean lots of romance and fun in the sun, or whatever is left of the summer heat. We can’t guarantee that you’ll find your soul mate — we don’t believe in that crap. But we do believe in love at first sight and those initial sparks can lead to passionate one-night stands or great casual sex. Whatever happens, expect something a little deeper. So this week, make sure to turn on your love lights. . . let them shine, let them shine!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Alas, a stress-free week is ahead of you! Just kidding. The dramatic interplay of planets crossing your House of Sanity this month isn’t going to make life easy. A lot of obstacles are going to arise — competition at work or a relationship may start to sour. But stress can be good if you know how to handle it. Here’re some tips we suggest you follow to avoid losing your mind: 1) make sure you call up your dealer, now, and get a nice hearty ounce of. . . mango juice. 2) Do not listen to depressing music (please avoid any Pink Floyd and Radiohead). 3) Avoid any people who have annoying tendencies (don’t hang around anyone high maintenance or with a voice that sounds like Megan Mullally). And 4) if you're single, don't watch The Notebook. Good luck!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
We’re sorry honey, but this is so not your week. Your roommate’s probably going to reset the Tivo and erase those recordings of Mad Men you’ve been saving for a rainy day. And what a crock, this week is chock-full of rainy days. The beginning of the week just may bring a chance for a quick getaway, but don’t get too excited — the planets are crashing and the stars say your trip won’t take you far from home. Basically, there’s a good chance you’ll have engine trouble in the driveway or twist your ankle walking down the stairs or get mugged on the way to the bus station. Best to stay home and suffer through the commercials of daytime television.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Whoa, Aquarius, be prepared for someone to slip something in your drink this week. We’re not saying don’t go out (for the love of God, please go out), but just be careful. Stick with friends and don’t go home (or even hang out) with any strange men. Then if you do notice that one drink you had feels like five, you can enjoy the extra buzz without fear of date rape. If you know what’s coming, recreational drugs can actually be quite fun. Just remember kids: make sure you have a DD, and always wear a condom.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This is the week to throw a girly sleepover a la thirteen-year-old girls. We don’t care if you’re a thirty-five-year-old, football-and-rugby-playing, ex-con/playboy (actually, if you are, that’s quite an impressive list, good for you!), you will benefit from watching Thirteen Going on Thirty (or Bridget Jones’ Diary or all five hours of BBC’s Pride and Prejudice) and braiding your BFF’s hair while giggling about how far you’ve each gone with a guy. And remember: you are sworn to super-duper secrecy about anything that happens during Truth or Dare. You’ll be so bonded with your friends afterwards, you’ll never have to worry about them stealing your boyfriend. Unless, like, he’s really cute.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Uranus is conjoining with the full moon this week, and that means trouble for your digestive system and feet, so avoid dairy and stilettos (we’re talking to you, young man). In fact, why not take this opportunity to avoid eating or being on your feet at all? May we suggest a week-long fast and meditation period? All you need is an isolated space (like your bedroom, the woods, or a panic room) and a crapload of water. Be sure to keep a journal of all your fabulous hallucinations/epiphanies. If you wait a week and reread them, we promise you’ll laugh and the week without food will all (sort of) seem worth it.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Since the end of August, the moon has very much been in your seventh house, so hopefully you’ve been celebrating by bringing out the patchouli and love beads and whooping it up at every orgy you could find.. As for those niggling doubts about the stability of your relationship and whether or not you should start popping out the kiddies; it seems like both problems could be solved in one magical late-summer evening and a couple of satyrs. And since next week is your best week to find a new paramour, its best to keep on keeping on with that good old-fashioned hedonism.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
I’m not going to lie to you, twins of the world: you might be best off pulling a Marcel Proust and spending the rest of the week in bed. . . perhaps with a Jim Beam-filled hot water bottle for succor. Your personal fortunes are very much aligned with the international economic downturn, and it appears that, in addition to your retirement funds, you may very well be losing your house as well come Thursday. But look on the bright side; the still-clement weather ensures that the hobo lifestyle could prove to be an adventurous and even idyllic bohemian experience.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
You heard it here first, Crabs: Now’s the time to take off on that jaunt to Bali you’ve been dreaming about. The full moon coming up this week is sure to turn you into a rampaging hormonal loon, and the possibility that you might transform into a homicidal lupine menace cannot be completely ruled out. You’re neighbors are going to be testy for a while too, and it’s not like they don’t know who arranged their lawn flamingos into lewd configurations. Best hide out in a hammock till it all blows over at the end of the month.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
This week brings you your share of financial disappointments, but don’t despair. Instead, seize it as an opportunity to seize upon the life of crime and profiteering you’ve always fantasized about. (Don’t play coy with us, we’ve seen the pirate ship you’re building in your bedroom.) Desperate times call for desperate measures; and it doesn’t get much more resourceful than setting sail on the bounding main and terrorizing small island nations for their rich coconut reserves. It will also fulfill your astrological destiny for travel in the near future. Ahoy matey, indeed.
