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Each
of the major literary languages of medieval Europe had a comedic author par
excellence, a ribald trickster whose tawdry wit continues to charm even today. Italy had
Boccaccio, England Chaucer, and France the great Rabelais. In five works (four finished, one
unfinished and posthumously published), he tells the supremely satrical tale of
Gargantua and Pantagruel, debauched giants of gluttony, flatulence and vulgarity. They
drink hogsheads of ale, piss rivers, fart windstorms, flout armies and scandalize women. They
are, in effect, enormous fratboys having their way with the theology and politics of sixteenth
century France. No storyteller has ever taken as many liberties as Rabelais, no tale has ever
been more over-the-top, and, thus, the history of literature provides few things that are more
fun to read.
In the excerpt below, Rabelais takes a feather from Boccaccio's cap, having a friar tell
an ingenious trick for how to keep a wife faithful. Like
Boccaccio (and
Petronius before him), Rabelais knew
how to mix sex and riddles, stimulating the reader both above
and below the neck. Here's a prime example:
* * *
From Pantagruel: Tiers Livre by François Rabelais
translated by Jack Murnighan
"I'll teach you one way, " said Friar John, "to prevent your wife from ever making you a
cuckold without your knowing about it."
"I beg to you, my friend" said Panurge, "Tell it to me now."
"Use Hans Carvel's ring," said Friar John . . . and went on to explain. "Hans Carvel was a
intelligent and worthy man . . . In his later years he married . . .
a young, attractive, flirtatious
girl who was exceedingly friendly with their neighbors and servants. So after only a few
weeks, Hans became jealous as a tiger and suspected that his wife was getting her back end
tambourined elsewhere. To try to prevent this from happening, Hans started telling her stories
about what misery can arise from adultery and read to her from the Legend of Chaste
Women . . . Yet he still found her so resilient and so joyful with the neighbors that he got
ever more jealous. Then one night among others, while sleeping beside her, he dreamt he was
talking to the devil and explained his concerns. The devil comforted him, and put a ring on
his middle finger, and said, "I will give you this ring. While you wear it on your finger, your
wife will not be shared by any man without your consent and knowledge." Hans thanked the
devil . . . and the devil vanished. When Hans awoke, he was pleased to find his finger up the
whatchamacallit of his dear wife, who, I forgot to mention, drew back as if to say,
'That's not what you're supposed to put in there!' And she squirmed and squirmed, but he
wouldn't let her take off his ring!
"Now isn't that an infallible solution? So take my advice and always keep your wife's
ring on your finger!"
Jack Murnighan's stories appeared in the Best American Erotica editions of 1999, 2000 and 2001. His weekly column for Nerve, Jack's Naughty Bits, was collected and released as two books. He was the editor-in-chief of Nerve from 1999 to 2001, before retiring to write full time and take seriously the quest for love.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
