Since releasing the terms "blowjob queen" and "fuck and
run" into
the rock lexicon in 1993, Liz Phair has been music's reigning queen
of candor. There's no sexual paradigm she
didn't apply any number of stun guns to,
from embracing minivan-driving
mommyhood to baring her mainstream ambitions with a terrific album
of radio-ready pop late last year. (The most
quoted song
on the
record is "H.W.C," a.k.a. "Hot White Come.") Taking time
out from touring the album, Liz whips out her sexual-adventure kit and
goes where no pop
star
has gone
before: into
the
Nerve mailbag,
to answer
reader questions about love, loss and inadequate lubrication. Here's part
one. We hope to have her back. — Michael Martin
Hey Liz,
I'm in my late 30s, female and basically
gay. I'm cute
(in a Mary Lou Retton-at-a-Pink-concert kind of way) and in my
sexual prime, but I live in a small, semi-conservative college town. There
are no gay bars, no "out" crowds. However, I contend that every
woman is a few beers away from bisexuality. Is it appropriate to flirt
with, cruise and try to pick up random
girls
if I find them
attractive, regardless of their sexual orientation? — Exiled in Guyville
Dear Exiled:
promotion
A couple of things pop into my mind here. First of all,
if you're going to "turn" a hetero girl, it's basically like stealing
somebody's boyfriend. You might be able to date
that
stolen person, but she's always going
to grapple with that issue, and you won't be able to have a normal relationship.
When you're dating someone who's gone same-sex for the first time, you have
two issues at hand: a) do we like each other?, and b) is she comfortable
with
her identity?
That's
a big
pain
in the
ass. It's hard enough to have a relationship, period.
Seek
out someone
who self-identifies as bisexual or lesbian. You don't
want to deal with
all that shit. You don't want to sit through hours and hours of talking
about how they feel about their identity. If you're
in your late 30s, you just want to have great sex with someone
who's a lot of fun and is ready to be supportive. In sum: screen.
Don't
just
go
after the women you find
attractive. That's another important issue: when you're not having sex,
everyone looks hot. But when you're actually trying those people
out —
like
kissing
them or
smelling
them
or whatever
— they're not. Half the people who look amazing are just shitty
in bed. So
seek out the sexually comfortable, and cut
down
the
odds
against
you.
Dear Liz,
Whenever I meet a girl, I fall into one of two categories: "Just a
Friend"
or "Full-On Boyfriend." Usually, I'm into being a boyfriend, but having
recently been released by my last girlfriend, I just want to meet some
girls and
fuck. However, I never seem to be able to convey that to women. They just
don't
see me that way. I've never had a sexual relationship that didn't turn
serious, and I worry I'm missing out on the best sex of my
life. How
can
I make girls stop thinking, "What a nice guy" and make them think, "I
want him to bend me over this bar right now"? — Too Good
to be Screwed
Hey Screwed:
Even if you succeed in making women want you to "bend them
over the bar right now," if you do it well, they're gonna want to
keep you as a boyfriend. Fact. Women want a guy
who
can
make
them feel
that way, because so few do. I think
Eddie
Murphy said it best, “If you’re making them go [ten seconds
of loud panting, followed by whooping], they want you."
You say you're a nice guy. Well, nice guys just don't have cheap sex
with women. My best advice is to take a page out of the book of assholes.
Assume that identity. Be a player. Go to a bar and just tell a hot girl
everything
she wants to hear: “You
are soooo beautiful. I'm really looking for a girlfriend right now. I want
to get very very serious.” Just fuckin' lay it on thick. Chances
are she'll immediately say, “Yeah, this guy's
full of shit,” but she'll probably sleep with you anyway. And
when she calls you, just don't call her back.
You can't have the spoils of an asshole
without
being an asshole. If you want the spoils of an asshole, I think it's
your right. You sound like the kind of guy who's going to grow up and be
solidly
married
and maybe Christian. So get to know what it's like to be an asshole. But
you're gonna have to really be that asshole. And that asshole
is always running
away from the
telephone, and he's always bumping into
the girl he slept with last week while he's got a new girl on
his arm. That's the price you're going
to have to pay!
Dear Liz: I'm a twenty-five-year-old woman, and my boyfriend of more than
a year is a spoiled baby when it comes to oral sex. I pleasure him orally
every
day,
but he
refuses
to
return
the
favor.
Every single time I ask him to do it, he simply says ‘someday' and …
Sorry, I have to cut you off. This is a deal-breaker. Run run run. I will
not help you; I will not treat you. You must break up with him. This relationship
cannot be saved.
Dear Liz:
Whenever my girlfriend and I have sex and I bring her to
the point of no return, she always stops me right before she has an
orgasm. We have been together for over a year and she has never orgasmed
for me. I can understand that I can't expect it every time but to actually
stop someone when you're about to have one is beyond me. How can I get
her to loosen up and let me let her get off? — Guy Interrupted
Dear Guy:
I know exactly how to do this. And I almost hate to say it, but you have
to take control. There's an erotic thing
you
can
do where
you're
whispering
in her
ear, but you're commanding
her in a soft voice while you're touching her gently. You're
not scaring her, you're not forcing her. Your
body's on top of her, and you're not allowing her to squirm away.
This is probably going to arouse her, because it sounds like she has an
inability to allow herself to let go. She needs permission; she needs
someone to demand that
she
come. So you've got to do this in this insistent, whispery way, in her
ear. Create this erotic story. Tell her where you're going and what you're
doing and that you're just going to keep doing it, it doesn't matter
how long it takes, and she's gonna be a good girl, and da da
da, just for you.
This is where the feminists come in,
shrieking, ‘What
are you saying?' There's a real fine line here. Listen, if she has real
issues — if she's ever been abused
in any way — of course you need to find that out. She could have
had some real trauma in her life that's inhibiting her. But if she's just
one of
those girls
who
grew up thinking she wasn't
supposed to feel this way, or that her hootchie was gross or
something like that, you need to be gently — let
me restate this — gently insistent.
Keep
whispering in her ear and work it out ‘til she can't stop.
Dear
Liz: I'm a young woman who has always had very conservative boyfriends.
Do you have any advice for spicing up my current relationship with my
new man? What do you think is the best way to approach threesomes?
Orgies?— Aspiring Groupie
Dear Groupie,
I've always been a one-on-one kind of person. Orgies and threesomes don't
appeal to me, and sometimes I suspect they appeal to other people because
intimacy is a problem for some of the parties involved. Now, I've watched Real
Sex — I
can see there are people who really like to be with a lot of other people,
and that's great for them. I can't speak on that, because that's not me.
Whenever
I've wanted to "spice up my life," it's usually because
I'm having trouble being vulnerable with someone, and I'm trying to
distract myself
with, like, circus antics. And it's never as gratifying as a truly intimate
experience with
another person. Because I don't know your boyfriend, I don't know how
to get him to be better in bed or more exciting, but I think some emotional
connection, some intimacy, is missing. Usually I don't get really hot
for somebody until I've gotten to know them. It's unavoidable that
intimacy leads to innovation. One
more thing: I
didn't hear you say you loved him. If he's not
doing it for you, get a different boyfriend. Find someone you can
love, and the sex will be better.
n°
Liz
Phair's latest single, "Extraordinary," is at radio now. Click here
to buy the album. Click here for Liz's official website.
