State your hypothesis in the form of a prediction that can be verified
by the results of the experiment.
Woody Allen once called masturbation "sex with someone you love." Paul Anka crooned, "You always hurt the one you love." Where these truisms intersect, we shall file my thirtieth and final experiment. At the end of this trial, I will have gone some way toward settling my balance at the karmic bank — as well as that of any hetero guy who ever begged his girl for a back-door key.
Please list all the materials required for this experiment (including,
if applicable, how they were obtained).
Make Your Own Dildo kit:
Bucket
Penis tube
Scrotum bowl
Molding Gel in powdered form
Rubber solution (a)
Rubber solution (b)
Thermometer
Stirring stick
Easy-to-follow instructions
Harness
Water
Lube
Razor
Assistant
Asssortment of pornography
In this portion of your report, you must describe, step-by-step,
what you did in your lab. It should be specific enough that someone
who has not seen the lab can follow the directions and recreate the
same lab.
Recently, I met Nerve's editor for lunch. With a heavy heart, I told him that after nearly three years of writing about my monthly sexual experiments, there was little left for me to do. "Well, you can fuck yourself," he scowled from across the table.
"Listen, I don't mean to leave you in the lurch, Michael," I said. "But I just don't see where I can go from here." (He had previously decided that all of my new ideas — most of which involved being dispatched to the Perfect 10 mansion — would only prove to be experiments in shark jumping.)
"No, I mean fuck yourself for science."
"How do you propose I do that?"
"Mold your dick, then have someone strap it on." Obviously. "It would be a great finale to the column."
In the past, I had received plenty of emails suggesting that I take it from a girl wearing a strap-on, and had quickly deleted them. Michael's twist on the idea was as terrifying as it was completely brilliant.
If you could suck your own dick, would you? In high school, it was a truth-or-dare question I would always take the dare on. But like most men, I'd already logged countless hours — and risked irreversible spinal trauma — trying to make it happen. For the record, I came tantalizingly close but ultimately decided it's a gift you're either born with or you're not. Sort of like making that weird shamrock shape with your tongue. However, if there were a correlation between Pilates and the ability to blow one's own horn, I'm certain that it would overtake baseball as the No. 1 youth activity in the country. The Dungeons and Dragons franchise would be devastated.
But I digress. Recruiting lab assistants had proved difficult in previous experiments. But the prospect of putting me through some measure of discomfort and humiliation brought volunteers out in droves. Even people I hardly knew slid out of the woodwork. Ultimately I chose Kat, a tri-sexual woman I'd briefly dated. Kat was renowned for having tried — and mastered — almost every deviant sexual act known to man. As such, she was virtually unshockable. I was comfortable with her, in the way you might be comfortable with a nurse, a rabbi or your drifter uncle.
The company that enabled this experiment is the plaintively titled makeyourowndildo.com. They didn't invent cock molding, but they've certainly been integral in bringing it to the populace at large. Most recently, the Make Your Own Dildo kit was featured in an episode of The Osbournes. I prevailed upon the company to send me a kit, then dutifully blocked out a weekend (along with any notion that my high-school peers would ever read this).
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