I Did It for Science: Kissing Boys by Grant Stoddard - Nerve.com

imageI Did It For Science by Grant Stoddard







To document and extrapolate upon the subject's maiden voyage into homosexual experimentation.




State your hypothesis in the form of a prediction that can be verified by the results of the experiment.

Unlike all great explorers before me — Columbus, Vespucci, Captain Kirk — I'd been commissioned to boldly go where only men had gone before. I suspected I would find a new world of forbidden pleasures that might make me forget about home for a while.




Please list all the materials required for this experiment (including if applicable, how they were obtained).

Noxious Bacardi cocktail (1700ml)
Black-and-white photo booth (1)
Hispanic male (Luis)



In this portion of your report, you must describe step-by-step what you did in your lab. It should be specific enough that someone who has not seen the lab can follow the directions and recreate the same lab.

I was worried about getting mocked as a fair-weather queer, but Luis, an old friend of my girlfriend's, knew I was doing it for science and gamely volunteered to lend his lips for the cause. I approached him at the Nerve party where we'd arranged to meet, and when he nodded his approval, I clutched him with one arm, gingerly holding a potent cocktail in my free hand, and like Neil Armstrong, I took one small step . . . er . . . toward mankind. I had just started to notice the softness of his lips when he pushed me away and shouted, "You're spilling that shit all over me!" A telling-off never smarts so much as when it's delivered by an immaculately manicured boy you've just drenched in Bacardi.
     He seemed to have forgiven me by the time we arrived at an after-party, and I went for a second try.




Quantify the effects of the experiment.

I'd always thought he was good-looking and smart; he tasted good, like candy, and it wasn't until we stopped necking that I noticed his stubble had ballooned my lips. I'm not so tall, but he's even shorter, and as he sat on my lap in the photo booth, I felt like a ventriloquist. Although we kissed and kissed, the clutch had no direction or destination; that sexual crescendo of energy that happens with my girlfriend simply never arrived.




Summarize your findings. Don't forget to attempt to identify possible variables that could result in different findings for others trying to recreate your test results.

"That was . . . nice," Luis told me before we parted ways, and for a moment I felt guilty, like a double agent who'd duped his best pal. But then again, Luis had described it perfectly: it was nice. Nothing more, nothing less.
     I'd hoped it would feel hot, dangerous, maybe slightly uncomfortable — instead, it was sensually pleasant, if sexually empty. Oh well, at least I'll have more chips to cash in future games of "I Never."


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5 Comments

Grant, I think you should have added tongue!!!

JM commented on 10/03

Hooray for rabbit pearl rabbits! But why is it in the title photo? Because it's pink and "faggy"?

SBB commented on 10/03

Brilliant! If I were in charge of the NSF I'd grant you funding for a 10-year longitudinal study.

pyk commented on 10/03

Re: Kissing boys Your scientific approach to kissing a guy, even though you are heterosexual, was for me a work of art. Your article had wonderful irony, sacrifice, tolerance, honesty and insight, to mention only the few thing's that this blighted faggot's mind can think of at the moment. Thank you for it. Do you think a future article might consider masturbating with one of us?

dnc commented on 02/08

Grant - for shame but certainly NOT for science. Kissing is,...well - kissing. If you were looking for a charge like you get from your girlfriend - you'll have to add other's to your experiment. How hot and bothered did you get the FIRST time you kissed a girl? I suggest that in order to be more "scientific" you either kiss as many different types of guys (like those that would kiss you) - or try to kiss a different "face" - draw eyes in indelible marker if you wish - but meet up with "Johnson" and we'll see if the theory holds true. Also, - Luis and yourself made the ASSUMPTION a kiss would be obtained regardless of sensuality, sexuality, or affection. If you'd like to get together and "tighten up" your scientific method - we can "Hmmmm and Hawww" lots more if say - it were a "double" blind study - ya think? Denounce this study and let's work together - some guys and your girlfriend get together and with you blindfolded - Viola! Instant science! You'll need to be hooked up to a plethysmographic device - but it IS for science afterall. JMG62@AOL.COM

JMG commented on 07/21
 

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© 2001 Grant Stoddard and Nerve.com, Inc.



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