Advice

Sex Advice From Music Critics

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Julianne, 29

Pitchfork Media
www.urbanhonking.com/cowboyz

What is the quickest way to turn on a music critic and why? What does one have to do to get them in bed fast?
Play side C of L.L. Cool J's greatest hits (the slow jams) and don't go reciting liner-note minutiae when you're supposed to be kissing me.

My sister has just broken up with her boyfriend of five years and is in the middle of an intense whore stage. It's getting to the point where it's bordering on unhealthy. How do you suggest I approach her without offending her?
After screwing only one person for the past five years, she totally gets a sleeping-around pass, so long as she's not doing it to avoid feeling messed up from the break-up. You know, the whole, "I've been dating this man for so long I have to replace him with someone else," afraid-to-be-alone thing. That's much less healthy than a long ride on the casual-sex train. Present her with an econo-box of condoms and ask her if she needs to talk. Communication is muy importante. Do not call her a whore.

My boyfriend and I have a great sex life except for one thing: he is constantly putting on the worst music during sex, i.e. Supreme Beings of Leisure and other dated trip-hop crap. It turns me off completely, but he insists we listen to it. What could I recommend that's less offensively cheesy?
So you've told him it's a sexual turn-off, but he still makes you listen to it? Do you think this dude respects you enough? Honestly. If you think he does, say you want to explore trip-hop's roots, like Isaac Hayes and Sarah Vaughan. Play sexier, jazzier hip-hop albums like my favorite ever, Erykah Badu's linear Worldwide Underground. It's perfect for sex because all the songs are about longing and feel like they're twelve minutes long, even if they're not. Also, to match the cinematic texture of SBoL, you should try Alexander Scriabin, who wrote symphonies to the orgasm; my ex used to play "Poem of Ecstacy" when we had sex, and the crescendos totally crashed with our climaxes.

I enjoy public, anonymous sex. Where is the best place to go?
What's really awesome is public phone sex: go to a crowded café or restaurant (keep it corporate!) and do it loudly on your cellphone. There's the exhibitionist's bonus of making other patrons really uncomfortable — and the added excitement of getting banned for life from the Chick-Fil-A.

Describe a new sexual position you've created — something we'd never find in a 101 sexual positions book.
I call it the "Rhythm Nation 2005," inspired by my choreography idols Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul: Do the snake onto your man and then, like Mos Def said, just bounce.

How often do you browse the internet for porn while "writing?"
I don't porn-surf, honest, although my gay male roommate uses my computer and has www.studmall.com in the "favorites" bar. It's all real men and the descriptions are like, "Virile Italian bear meets Lower East Side twink in a bathroom; hotness ensues." I check it constantly.

I take forever to come. Girls get annoyed and tired, and I'm left with a full load. How can I get off quicker?
Finger in ass, honey. Finger. In. Ass.

Who is the sexiest artist of 2005 other than M.I.A and why?
T.I. is the suavest and the scrappiest. I have a poster of him in my office. Beck is eternally sexy. Pitbull is attractive, articulate and really well-moisturized.

What advice do you have for a man who has a master's degree and successful career, is financially secure, has good friends and varied interests but is single, 5'4", 120 lbs., and women aren't attracted to him because of his size?
He should experiment with his look. You know who else is diminuitive, ambitious and binoculars-hot? Pharrell of Neptunes. If this dude's height is really the sole reason women aren't dating him (which I highly doubt, but for brevity's sake I shall answer as though it is), he should hire a personal trainer to cut him tight and compact like Pharrell. Secondly: if he has the hair for it, perhaps he should employ the emaciated slacker-rocker look, which has rather inexplicably impressed young women since the '90s. I have a theory that the indie-rock mussy haircut can give even the strangest-looking human the illusion of being blazing, boy-model attractive. Or perhaps he should wear eyeliner like another short 'n' skinny man, Nick Zinner from Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Yeah, get the hairdo. And/or start dating women who will appreciate the fact that he is a rare dude with his shit together.

Kurt B. Reighley a.k.a. DJ El Toro, 37

The Stranger, The Advocate, Time Out New York

What is the quickest way to get a music critic in bed?
Be a very foxy record label publicist, magazine editor, or artist. Three of the best lays of my life were with one of each. Buying me the first round is always flattering. Generally, I prefer a no-bullshit approach. My all-time favorite hook-up was when an aspiring artist finished a showcase, excused himself from his label entourage, grabbed me by the hand, dragged me outside and started making out with me in an alley. "Do you want to go back to my hotel?" Oh, yes. Taxi. I didn't leave for forty-eight hours. And we're still friends.

My boyfriend and I have a great sex life except for one thing: he is constantly putting on the worst music during sex, i.e. Supreme Beings of Leisure and other dated trip-hop type crap. I can't stand it and it turns me off completely but he insists we listen to it.
Turning down the volume, and telling him you want to heighten intimacy by being able to hear his every little gasp and grunt, is a good start. Springing something completely out of character one drunken night is also a good curveball — there's probably a part of him that would love to get fucked hard to the Misfits or Metallica. Or, just be blunt, and tell him the only way you can maintain an erection while listening to Supreme Beings of Leisure (full disclosure: I wrote their last press bio, and there's no way I would fuck to their records) is to think of other people, and that makes you feel guilty. In the bad way.

My boyfriend really wants me to get kinky with him and surprise him with new stuff in bed, but I have no idea what to do? What's the kinkiest thing you can suggest and recommend?
I'm a big fan of using something familiar as a jumping off point for fantasy/role-playing. I had a boyfriend once who noticed I was obsessed with one of the guys who tossed pizza at the parlor by our apartment, so he surprised me in bed one night with olive oil and wearing an apron (and nothing else). This involves a little homework, but seriously minimizes the possibility of rolling out something SO wildly inappropriate that you wind up single or in couples counseling.

I enjoy public, anonymous sex. Where is the best place to go?
As a part-time DJ, I love seeing people getting it on while I'm spinning records. I watched some guy get a handjob on the dance floor the other night, and it was much more inspiring to my set than concentrating on the hundreds of people just jumping around and having normal fun. But for myself, I'm more of a carport/parking garage devotee. Oh, and I got fucked over the ledge of a New York rooftop a couple times. That's hot, because if anyone on the sidewalk does look up, it's pretty obvious what you're doing, but they can't actually see anything.

How often do you browse the internet for porn while "writing"?
I visit Jasoncurious.com when I'm at the computer and horny. I particularly like his candid movie stills. And the fact that he has gay and straight porn. I'm a firm believer in unity, not division. Hell, every now and then I jump the fence and look at the girls.

Recently I've realized I'm aroused by scat porn and want to try it with my girlfriend. However, I'm also ashamed of being turned on by this and afraid if I tell my girlfriend she'll leave me. I really want to try it. How can I satisfy my sexual curiosity without jeopardizing my relationship?
I'd say start by trying to open up the discussion and playing to activities pitched somewhere between vanilla in-and-out and scat on the extremity scale — golden showers seem to be much less offensive to a lot of people — and see how it progresses from there.

I'm running out of effective pick up lines. I need one that'll get the ladies in one shot. Ideas?
"It's my birthday. Everyone deserves to get laid on their birthday."

Who is the sexiest artist of 2005 other than M.I.A. and why?
James Murphy of LCD Soundsystem. Have a five-minute conversation with him and you'll see why: He is hilarious, spontaneous and whip-smart, so you know that probably translates into a very resourceful, naughty boy in the sack.

Jessica, 29

City Pages, Chicago Reader
tiny.abstractdynamics.org

My sister has just broken up with her boyfriend of five years and is in the middle of an intense whore stage. I'm worried it's bordering on unhealthy. How can I approach her without offending her?
You could first try the subtle route, which is also known as the passive-aggressive route. Tell her a long, sordid story of "a friend" of yours who caught some chlamydia from some bar-fuck. Be as casual and as graphic as possible. Also, keep in mind that we do live in a patriarchy, and so it's indoctrinated into us that any woman who has ever had sex with more than three people is expressing unhealthy sexuality. Rebounding is rebounding, and sometimes, like Peaches sang, you can fuck the pain away.

My boyfriend and I have a great sex life except for one thing: he is constantly putting on the worst music during sex, i.e. Supreme Beings of Leisure and other dated trip-hop type crap. It turns me off completely.
I feel your agony. The guy I dated when I was nineteen utilized Diamanda Galas' Plague Mass as the doin'-it soundtrack with near exclusivity. I love Diamanda, but caterwauling in Greek about death is not really the first thing that comes to mind for sex-making audio. I would suggest introducing him to Talk Talk's Spirit of Eden — it's moody, dark, overbearing and dramatic as any mid-period Tricky album, except it's roughly a zillion times better. If that fails, you will just have to insist on only screwing in places where there are no stereos: deer stands, alleys, the bathroom.

Do all music critics fuck each other? How can I get in on the action?
About 80% of the rock critics in America are men, and I would estimate that 64% of them are still virgins. I think the best way to try and get rock-crit chicks is to ask one of those dudes to introduce you to his intern.

Sites such as Pitchfork have catapulted certain rock critics to high profiles. In some ways do you think this has increased your ability to get laid easily? We know rock stars get laid all the time, but how about rock critics?
First, If you had ever met anyone on staff at Pitchfork you would never have posed this question. Secondly, sure David Fricke is all over those VH-1 specials, but he's rocking that Dorothy Hamill bowl cut. Thirdly, it's not about how big the circulation is for the magazines your write for, it's the quality of your writing in terms of garnering writing groupies. I don't mean that as a punny metaphor.

My mother has recently begun to have an affair and my father is clueless. She hasn't told me but I've recently discovered this information. That said, my parents seem to have a dead sexual relationship. Should I interfere? I'm not sure what to think of all this.
This same thing happened to me, once, when I was seven. It was tough to deal with. I would suggest you stay the hell out of it. For all you know, your dad is gay, your mom is the beard and the man she is having an affair with is your real father. Or what if you find out your parents are swingers with a special arrangement — you really wanna crack that can of worms? Or say you tell your dad — do you really wanna deal with him wasted on Christmas, calling your mom a slut while he carves the turkey? No.

Joseph

MTV News

What is the quickest way to get a music critic in bed?
Send them the new White Stripes advance LP.

Do all music critics fuck each other?
Only if your last name is Klosterman.

Is there rampant incest within the community?
Only if you're from Minnesota.

How does a guy like me get in on the music critic action?
Hang out at the back of Irving Plaza or Bowery Ballroom. Way in the back. By the bar. Where you can't see or hear anything other than the critic who's inevitably standing next to you.

I enjoy public, anonymous sex. What's your favorite spot?
The Spin magazine offices.

I take forever to come. Girls get annoyed and tired, and I'm left with a full load. How can I get off quicker? Help!
Girls who get annoyed at how long it takes you to come are either too sexually inexperienced to know better (stop picking them up at Misshapes, dude), or basically can't stand you and just want to hit it and quit it, and the longer you take, the longer they gotta saddle up next to your misbegotten self. What really sucks is trying to figure out which is the bigger failing — the insecurity you feel in needing to pick up younger girls star-struck by your mediocre achievements or your general personality defects that probably reveal themselves once girls have made their way past a decent sense of style. Good luck!

My wife recently has begun to favor her dildo over me. I've been totally supportive of her desire to masturbate regularly but it's beginning to put a kink into our sex life. How can I compete with a dildo five times the size of my real thing? How should I approach her?
This is a metaphor for the redesign of the Village Voice music section, right?

Who is the sexiest artist of 2005, other than M.I.A.?
Keisha Coles.

I'm running out of effective pick up lines. I need one that'll get the ladies in one shot. Ideas?
"I'll write about you in my book. "

Kris Ex, 32

XXL, Hit It or Quit It, Desofo.com

What is the quickest way to get a music critic in bed?
This is really easy. First you reference something she wrote, telling her how observant it was, noting that it was very courageous of her to speak up like she did. This will make her feel attractive and appreciated. Next, you reference something by a male writer you admire and say you wish you could write like him. This creates the illusion that you are really interested in journalism while projecting an image of humility. Then reference something by another female writer. It helps if she has a friendship and/or competition with this writer. This will let her know that it's not a one-horse race and that she'd better be on her P's and Q's. Finally, you bring it back to her, just to underscore the fact that you're interested. From there, all you have to do is invite her to your place to check out your back issues of Esquire or your rare music collection.

This technique requires some research, but it works without fail. It works so well that I, who had created and perfected this technique for over a decade, didn't recognize when it came back to me. I found myself listening to German techno while staring at a flashing La Virgen de Guadalupe lightbox before I realized I had fallen into a wily female's web. True story.

What makes a music critic a better lover?
As a music critic, you're bound to have a massive music collection. Having albums by underappreciated artists like Rahsaan Patterson, Joi, Dionne Farris and Nikka Costa exponentially increase your attractiveness. This, coupled with the fact that being a writer is one of the most romanticized vocations known to man, puts you on a pedestal. From there, you just believe your own hype.

How does the hotness of a musical act affect your ability to write about them without bias?
Hot chicks always get an extra star. But as far as mixing business with pleasure goes, I've gotten into more than enough trouble fooling around with publicists, so I would imagine that sleeping with an artist would be infinitely messier. I'd suggest that you stay away from the artists and their managers. Assistants, however, are fine and highly recommended. They're generally easier to please and usually don't have enough leverage to apply any editorial pressure.

How often do you browse the internet for porn while "writing"? What's your favorite site?
Okay. Being that I work from home, I'll "browse" maybe two or three times a day when I'm in the mood. Usually I'll just check out the Hun's Yellow Pages and follow the links. If I find a site that I like, say MILFhunter.com (it's all about the chase), I'll bookmark it. When I have a few days, I'll get a three-day pass and download like a maniac. This approach has led to about 53.34 GB of porn on my hard drive, the vast majority of which I have yet to watch. But, truthfully, porn, like casual sex, gets quite stale very quickly, so I keep an enormous archive of Esquire magazines and some rare Bob Marley performances on CD, which means I have to use porn less and less.

I take hours to come. Girls get annoyed and tired and I'm left with a full load. How can I get off quicker?
If this is happening with multiple girls, it's definitely psychological and you should get some professional help. If the therapy is out of the question, perhaps you can vary your style. If most of your girls are silent, have them talk dirty. If they talk dirty, make them speak sweetly and softly. If you're a rock 'em-sock 'em type, try being slow and sensual. Increase foreplay. Go about thirty minutes without touching any genitalia. When you do get to the nether regions, play with them for about fifteen minutes before penetration. If that doesn't work, get yourself a therapist and quickly.

Who is the sexiest artist of 2005, other than M.I.A.?
Anna Nalick definitely gets an extra star. I'm a sucker for WB-like singer-songwriters, and anyone calling their album Wreck of the Day can get it. Yet the year's still young. I have hope that some guitar-strumming chanteuse will release Broken Open before the end of the fourth quarter.

What advice do you have for a man who has a master's degree and successful career, is financially secure, has good friends and varied interests, but is single, 5'4", 120 lbs., and women aren't attracted to him because of his size?
Become a music critic. I hear they get a lot of action.