Advice

A Comprehensive Guide Of What To Eat & What Not To Eat Before Sex

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Everything you need to enhance or systematically destroy the mood.

It has long been a theory of mine that the amount of nachos you eat per day has a direct positive correlation to how good you are at sex stuff. "Did you just make that up because you like nachos?", you might ask. "No, I read it in a book somewhere," I would reply. "You're being crazy."

In what came as a slap in the face to the fried-food loving community, Elite Daily recently published a list of foods you should avoid if you want a better sex life. The list systematically details all of the most delicious foods ever created but apparently, "Eating these types of foods raises the blood glucose level, which leads to fatigue, tiredness and a lower sex drive." Here's a lineup of your favorite mood-killers:

1. Soda 

"Studies have shown that diet sodas cause weight gain and increase the incidence of metabolic syndrome, which contributes to coronary heart disease, stroke and type 2 diabetes."  

Really? Because studies have also shown that soda is delicious. Just disregard those terrifying subway ads

 

 

2. Burgers and Hotdogs

"Not only are they composed of low-grade meats with higher chemical content, but they also lead to high rates of inflammation, which can make your hormones go out of whack. Instead, opt for organic, free-range meats."

The day I eat a "free-range" hot-dog is actually the day I end my own life. 

 

 

3. French Fries 

"If you want to gain weight, feel sluggish, bloated and have a low libido, go for it."

I smell a challenge.

 

4. Mixed Drinks

"Instead of the jungle juice, try tequila, soda and lime. Sugary mixed drinks lead to an increased waist size and will totally kill your libido."

Unfortunately, the side effect of drinking vodka-sodas is also that you are a bitch. 

 

 

 

 

5. Ice Cream 

"Obviously, ice cream is pretty bad for you. It is loaded with sugars and artificial sweeteners, leads to fatigue, migraines and, sometimes, even depression."

Which leads us to the timeless question: did I just casually consume three full pints of "AmeriCone Dream" because I'm depressed or is "AmeriCone Dream" causing my crippling depression

 

6. Breakfast Biscuits

"Biscuits are a notoriously processed food, loaded with chemicals that will mess with hormones… To take control of what you’re eating, the next time you eat out for breakfast, ask your server to hold the margarine and vegetable oil for your biscuit, and instead, have it cooked in olive oil or butter."

Yeah, you can butter my biscuit, alright…

                                     

7. Game-Day Food

"While it seems that nothing’s better than a cold beer with a few nachos or wings, you’re likely to regret this decision later. Nachos are loaded with carbohydrates and nacho cheese is hardly cheese at all. Instead of nachos, try some fresh veggies, dip, salsa and homemade guacamole."

I consider any day I'm having sex "game-day" and pre-game accordingly. 

 

And now for food that is good for your sex life

 

1. Walnuts

"Walnuts help not your sex drive, but your performance — especially when eaten after a fatty meal. They keep your arteries from constricting in response to or responding abnormally to exercise and exertion."

Dosage: Eight walnuts, with your meal, four hours before sex. Take with or instead of Viagra/Cialis/Levitra.

Because that ninth walnut could put you over the edge to a place of sexual ecstasy from which you'll never return.

 

2. Beans, Legumes and Seeds (especially kidney beans, peanuts, sunflower and pumpkin seeds)

"These foods are richest in arginine… [which improves] female desire, satisfaction and frequency of sex, regardless of menopausal status. Note: Watermelon, which generates arginine indirectly, probably only makes you pee more."

Apparently having your partner "baby-bird" seeds into your mouth is not only great foreplay, but also has a practical usage.

 

3. Mediterranean foods

"The Mediterranean diet as a whole helps women with metabolic syndrome have better sex — better overall desire, arousal, lubrication, orgasm, satisfaction, pain. It also helps men overcome erectile dysfunction (ED), also known as impotence. One third of obese men with ED cure their disease after two years of following a Mediterranean-style diet and exercise regimen."

Hummus can also be used as a luxurious and savory lubricant.

 

 

Images via Veer