Advice

A Flight Attendant Gets Frank About Sex At Thirty-Five Thousand Feet

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"Vulnerability is not a place that’s easy for many men to get to but an airplane will provide them with a direct flight."

By Skyler Johnson

It wasn’t long into my career as a flight attendant that I discovered the aphrodisiacal effect that an airplane has over male passengers. Perhaps it has something to do with being inside a massive penis-shaped piece of metal traveling at 600 miles per hour seven miles from the earth’s surface that might pummel downwards into obliteration at any minute? Add cool lighting, hot alcohol-serving flight attendants in tight dresses walking up and down the aisle, and you’ve got a very fuckable situation on your hands.

When men are on a plane it’s unfamiliar territory. They’re not sure how the big flying aluminum dick works, they’re not aware of the systems and protocols, and they certainly are not driving. Vulnerability is not a place that’s easy for many men to get to but an airplane will provide them with a direct flight.

I once met a man in this state of mind while I was jumpseating (that’s industry talk for when flight attendants ride as passengers), and he made me laugh over the six hours we spent in our seats together. I knew there was some serious chemistry when I got up to go to the bathroom and rather than get up he made me climb over him, forcing me to straddle him and shove my boobs in his face. The intensity of spending six physically and socially precarious hours next to someone shoots you into the three-date range automatically. You know pretty much right away if you are going to fuck the guy sitting next to you. We land-dated for two months. It’s only on the ground that the where-is-this-going/do-you-want-a-relationship/will-you-have-my-baby-and-can-we-name-him-Dylan bullshit gets confusing.    

But flight attendants have the advantage here. They know how planes work on a basic level. They not only have to enforce in-flight protocols for more than one hundred people trapped for hours in a tight vessel, but they also have to keep them all happy the entire time. We are in control, and men see this. This is what turns them on. For a change, they don’t feel emasculated that we know more than them. It doesn’t make them stupid or weak. After all, they are expected to not have to think or care. We tell them to sit back and relax and have a good time.

The airline I work for flies to all the major U.S. cities and flight attendants are given their own hotel rooms and have an eight-hour, FAA-mandated, no-alcohol policy. The clock runs our lives, and if we want to have fun, we have to move quickly. This is a good thing for our men in the air — because when they hit the ground, they turn back into alphas, and want a clear escape route if things get too uncomfortable or serious. The flight attendant is already on to her next destination so: bye Felicia, onto the next. 

Flight attendants might be the perfect hook-up. They seem out of reach, I know. But start with a few simple things you can do the next time to make your chance at flying the skies a little bit friendlier.

Dress well.

When you are wearing sweats and a T-shirt so you can be comfortable on your flight, we notice. Quite frankly, sweatpants in public are just as repulsive in the air as they are on the ground. Wear clothes that fit. Respect yourself and dress well, for Christ’s sake. There’s nothing worse than seeing an attractive person that isn’t living up to their potential.  

Smell good.

Flight attendants sit in the back with our heads next to the lavatory doors, where clouds of shit-smell frequently waft toward our faces. When we walk past men, we want a different aroma.

Smile.

Flight attendants know the power of a smile. Since we have mere seconds to flirt with men while we walk past them on the plane, look up at us and flash your grill. It’s the easiest way to tell someone that you are interested in them. It’s easy and free.

Come to the back and talk to us.

The rear of the plane is perfect for conversations. We’re trapped in a small space, but if we want to get out of it, we can just go make the rounds. (If we do that, please take the hint.) Ask us about our jobs, or the city we are going to — flight attendants know tons of great places in every major city. 

Help.

When we see a strapping dude help an old lady with her bag, our hearts melt. If you watch and do nothing, you are instantly categorized as a selfish douchebag. I once saw a guy give up his seat so a mother could sit next to her young daughter then help her put her suitcase in the overhead compartment. I gave him my number on a cocktail napkin without him even asking for it. Boom.

Close the deal.

This is where your natural wit comes in handy. Be subtle though remember we’re still at work and not at a club or bar. If we’re sending vibes (laughing, plying you with free whiskey, advancing the conversation and not just politely smiling at you with dead eyes) take out your business card. Or write on your cocktail napkin. Scribble a little note to us. The best note I got was from a 31-year-old guy from Miami. He wrote on the back of his business card: “It was nice meeting you, albeit briefly. Tony.” Perfect – not too aggressive or needy, and he slyly left it with the lead flight attendant at the front of the cabin (I was working in the back) as he left the plane. If we like you, we will call you. I liked Tony. We went out a few times, had a slumber party at my place, and then he went back to his life in Miami and I went back to mine on the plane.

Bonus tip if you meet a passenger.

This is what you really wanted to know, right? Do it on red-eyes only. Wait until the back galley lavatory is free and clear, jump on in together, and then exit the lavatory one at a time, a few minutes apart. For God’s sake, do not make a mess. If you get caught — sorry! There’s nothing much we can do at that point except wink at you.

Skyler Johnson is the pseudonym of a very real flight attendant for a major airline.

Image via fisserman