The Source: Doc Love, Ask Men
The Dilemma: Ulmar’s girlfriend Kelly is “not a dime” [Ed. note: confused squares, here’s your clarification] but personality-wise she’s a “perfect 10.” Ulmar wonders if he should end it because he can’t stop bonering-out over other females and flirting with old girlfriends.
The Advice: “You use the word ‘nice’ to describe Kelly. How many guys can describe their girlfriends or wives as being nice? Think about it, my friend. Now think about all of the high maintenance you’ll experience with those ’10s’ out there if you do decide to get rid of Kelly.”
The Rebuttal: A lot of guys do use the N-word to talk about their significant others, just not the kind of guys who drop words like “dime” or assign numerical ratings. Don’t let the Doc fool you with his bro-phy’s choice of homely sweetheart vs. beautiful bitch. You’re not into her. Which is totally fair and okay.
The Source: Rowan Pelling, The Daily Mail
The Dilemma: She doesn’t like the Pill. He doesn’t like condoms. Unfortunately, neither is very fond of babies.
The Advice: “I highly recommend a joint trip to a dedicated family-planning clinic where experts can give you and your boyfriend advice on the pros and cons of each method.”
The Rebuttal: Hey Rowan, have you been to a family-planning establishment lately? Understaffed and underfunded, they’re too worried about ammo-toting nut clusters to walk you through information that’s already readily available. Do some research. Argue it out. If you’re still undecided, then you can hit the clinic with a short list of questions.
The Source: Veronica Vixen, Lowrider Magazine
The Dilemma: Robert’s girlfriend goes all Twilight on him during make-out sessions. How does he criticize her aggressive kissing style without causing offense?
The Advice: “I say the next time you guys are making out give her a taste of her own medicine. Suck on her lower lip and give it a nice little bite and see if she likes it. If she doesn’t and she gets a little upset, smile and say, ‘Sorry baby, I thought you would like that because you always do that to me.'”
The Rebuttal: Intentionally hurting someone in lieu of communicating like an adult? Sexy! Robbie, there’s no way to deliver this news without making someone feel like a huge dork, so get it over with and then compliment her ass off for the new few days.
The Source: Steve & Mia, Philadelphia Daily News
The Dilemma: He’s a thirty-five-year-old bachelor who wants a wife and children. Should he be going after women who already have babies?
The Advice: Mia says, “Do the baby mamas of the world a favor and leave them alone… Because if you wind up doing what in your mind amounts to settling, you’ll be miserable… Leave the mamas to men like the singer Seal, who met Heidi Klum when she was pregnant by another man but married her a year later.”
The Rebuttal: Uh, Mia? Can we not fuck over an already-fucked-over demographic based on something we saw in Star magazine? A thirty-five-year-old man who wants to settle down should be dating single moms. And single orthodontists, single House fans, and pretty much any woman who’s cool and comes off as remotely serious.
Read any sex or dating advice so odious it must be shared with the masses? Send it to email@example.com with “Awesome Advice” in the subject.