Advice

Awesome Advice, Way to Go!: A handy list of things to say to that naked woman in your bed.

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Awesome Advice, Way to Go!

wowowowThe Source: Erica Manfred, wowOwow

The Dilemma: “I am 45, have three kids ages 10 to 14 and I am unhappy in my marriage. I have not worked in 15 years and am afraid of being on my own. My husband is a wonderful person and a good father. I just don’t love him anymore. I feel lost and alone. My friends all say I need to stick with it. They do not understand. Where do I go from here?”

The Advice: “Who do you think is around the corner for women over 45, especially with three kids? George Clooney? If you leave you will find a lot of bald, paunchy old players, who are discovering how desirable they are now that they’re in short supply. Meanwhile, some smart cookie will grab your wonderful husband and will be part-time mom to your two kids. That will not be fun.  You will have to split all your assets, and unless you’re rich now, you will be poor divorced, especially since you have no career.”

The Rebuttal: She’s right, Missy. You stay in that marriage. We all know that the best relationships are founded on a belief in your own helplessness, petty jealousy towards other women (“I’m going to hold on to this toy so no one else can play with it!”), and paralyzing fear. Granted, Ms. Manfred does go on to suggest counseling later in her answer, but with a pep talk like the one above, most readers will have already slit their wrists, and you can’t Google “marriage therapist” with blood all over the keyboard!

westernThe Source: Shawn Fitzpatrick, Western Courier

The Dilemma: You’re a college-age female trying to decide on a major.

The Advice: “All across the country young women are entering college in a quest for a new kind of achievement. Their pursuit of happiness leads to the increasingly popular MRS. degree. While this particular happiness cannot be obtained through college education, it is through the young men enrolled in the universities that these girls seek their potential marriages… Rather than letting loose and enjoying their college experience, these particular females perceive every situation to be their personal tryout… So my advice to you young ladies is if you’re hoping to find yourself a husband, complete this one step: live your life!… Call me crazy, but I went to college for the education.”

The Rebuttal: Sorry, Fitzy, but you’re about sixty years late on this trend piece. The notion of the “Mrs. Degree” has been around since the 1950s. It’s as stupid now as it was then. Women go to college for all kinds of reasons. A small proportion may be there to land a husband, but thirty-page term papers and dining-hall jobs tend to weed out the non-committed. I’m no longer in college, but I think I speak on behalf of women in this demo when I say that protecting yourself from these commitment-obsessed girls doesn’t need to be a worry.

parentingThe Source: Laura Berman, Parenting

The Dilemma: “I want to learn how to do a non-X-rated striptease for my husband, but I’m worried he’ll laugh at me. Any suggestions?”

The Advice: “Good for you! I applaud your willingness to step outside the box and take some risks… Many gyms now offer fun classes like stripteasing, so check with your local fitness center. If there aren’t any classes in your area, you can find a number of how-to DVDs at Fitnessfly.com; Carmen Electra’s line of striptease DVDs is available at Aerobicstriptease.com.”

The Rebuttal: Help me out, because apparently I’m dumb. What in the name of Jenna Jameson is a “non-X-rated striptease?” Do you put clothes on instead of take them off? Peel down to your thermals while humming the Care Bears theme? And what’s with Carmen Electra being the go-to girl? No offense to any Scary Movie or Dennis Rodman lovers, but the woman’s kind of a cheese. Why not Salma Hayek’s snake dance in From Dusk Till Dawn or old burlesque reels? Gym videos are for toning your ass, not shaking it. You don’t want to be counting off imaginary reps in your head and worrying about gluteal alignment. It takes away from the experience.

menshealthThe Source: Lisa Jones, Men’s Health

The Dilemma: There’s a naked lady in your bed and it’s rendered you speechless.

The Advice: Take it easy, boo. Lisa Jones has your back with her list of “The 30 Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Woman.” Some highlights:

#2 “Is it okay with you if I take this slow?”

#7 “Do you feel this, too?” (“This” being an incredible emotional euphoria.)

#8 “Hungry? Stay right here. I’ll go make you a burrito.”

#28 Playful laughter.

#29 “Don’t ever leave me.”

The Rebuttal: Guy: “Is it okay if I take this burrito slow?”

Girl: “Playful laughter.”

Guy: “Why are you saying ‘playful laughter’?”

Girl: “Do you feel this, too?” (“This” being extreme discomfort.)

Guy: “Don’t ever leave me.”

Girl: “See ya!”