Advice

Awesome Advice, Way To Go: A surprising tip from a local news anchor.

Pin it

bigiconwide2

truulogos__momThe Source: Truu Confessions

The Dilemma: “My tween daughter and I got into one of our sex/sexuality discussions today and she brought up that a friends mother had gotten the friend her first vibrator… Don’t know how to handle this one ladies!!!! While I have no problems with masterbation [sic] (go for it!) I think 12 is a little young to buy them vibrators. Input please!!!”

The Advice: “That’s sick to me,” says TruConfessions user kahlan2000. “I think it’s more encouraging her daughter to have sex than anything else. I mean, how many people who experiment with sex toys are virgins? It won’t be long now for that 12 year old.”

The Rebuttal: What’s worse for an adolescent girl’s development: a piece of plastic that will teach her about her body or a vagina shackle in the form of a purity ring and a subscription to Teen Vogue? I wish my parents had gotten me a vibrator as an adolescent. Maybe someone could have actually used the facilities if I’d broken it off with Mr. Shower Massage.

ocrlogo250The Source: Advice Goddess, Amy Alkon, OC Register

The Dilemma: Stunned writes, “My online dating profile clearly indicates that I’m a vegan. A woman I’ve been communicating with informed me that she eats a healthy diet, but enjoys meat and fish. Fine with me, but our first phone conversation became an inquisition about whether I would attempt to make her a vegetarian… She got intense about it, despite my insistence that I don’t proselytize. I finally conceded a belief that vegans are more evolved from a spiritual standpoint. She really went off about this… At one point, she even said that letting my cat go outside was as cruel as factory farming. Most amazingly, this happened after numerous pleasant e-mails.”

The Advice: “This woman’s obviously out of her ground-beef-filled gourd… The thing is, she may actually be on to something — albeit in a somewhat shrewishly hysterical way. Here you are, presenting yourself as this easygoing sprout-muncher who manages to maintain a live-and-let… murder small defenseless animals attitude. But, do you really? Like a lot of people hoping to maximize their dating possibilities, you try to be ‘open-minded,’ but how realistic is it to tell yourself you can be with a woman you’ll kiss, then think, ‘Eeeuw, I can still taste that murdered cow’? To find a person you’re compatible with, be honest about your dealbreakers… You might even restrict your online dating forays to a vegetarian personals site like VeggieDate.org.”

The Rebuttal: The only thing as annoying as militant vegetarians and vegans are militant meat-eaters who go around making assumptions. There are vegetarians who have absolutely zero issues with dating an omnivore. To suggest Stunned confine himself to niche dating sites is almost as ridiculous as engaging someone you’ve never met in a waste-of-time nonsensical phone argument. Stunned, next time you’re being angrily lectured by a stranger, tell them your seitan is burning and hang up the phone.

tol-logoThe Source: Suzi Godson, Times Online

The Dilemma: “I am a 38-year-old virgin. After a very awkward situation at the age of 15 I have never tried again because I have been too embarrassed. I am now dating a lovely girl and would like to try. Where do I begin learning about how to please her?”

The Advice: “Be consistent; don’t chop and change pace, technique and position. Limit the gymnastics and, if in doubt, stick to missionary. Most women feel more attractive lying flat on their back than they do bouncing up and down on top. Lastly, always operate a ‘ladies first’ policy and if at first you succeed try not to look astonished.”

The Rebuttal: Speak for yourself, Suzi. I find a flat-on-the-back position leads to a doubling of the chin and boobs fleeing for the armpits. If she wants to get on top, go for it. “Ladies first” and “be consistent” are fine mandates, but they’re a bit much for a first timer. Just do your best and accept that it’s going to be artless.

myfoxThe Source: Ernie Anastos, FOX5 WNYW

The Dilemma: Coming up after the break: a local news anchor offers a local weatherman some surprising counsel.

The Advice: “Keep fucking that chicken.”

The Rebuttal: Maybe last week I was a little hard on the cocker spaniels, but sexual assault on poultry is just over the line. Not to mention unprofitable. Chickens have an all-purpose vent-like organ. How does the phrase “cloacal kiss” strike you? Yeah, I thought so. Oral might be permissible. It tastes like… well… you know. Then again, there’s always the threat of salmonella. Best stick to your own species, as old-fashioned as that sounds.