Advice

Awesome Advice, Way To Go!: Always pepper your column with a healthy dose of slut-shaming.

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dmw2The Source: Mrs. Web, Dear Mrs. Web

The Dilemma: “I am eighteen and a student. I recently slept with a guy at work and he has not paid attention to me since. I have totally fallen for him. We have known each other since primary school and he always was shy. Why won’t he speak to me, let alone date me?”

The Advice: “He wanted sex. You gave it to him. He evidently does not want to continue the relationship. He is probably embarrassed. Being somebody’s tissue is not a good foundation to develop a relationship with any depth… like a second date.”

The Rebuttal: If having sex with someone makes you a tissue, then what do you call someone who slut-shames an eighteen-year-old girl for sleeping with someone she’s known practically her entire life? I’m going to go with toilet paper. The cheap kind that comes 5,000 sheets to a roll. Here’s hoping your advice-columnist tenure runs out quicker.

20090918_070553_merc_article_logoThe Source: The Mercury News, Miss Manners

The Dilemma: “My partner doesn’t like that I now boycott straight marriages… I have said that until I see straight folks actively support our right to marry, I’m certainly not going to add my support… It’s not about spite — it’s about fairness, equality and wanting the same opportunity, and too many of them don’t get it. Until they do and start contacting their government officials, nothing will change. Why shouldn’t I boycott straight marriages?”

The Advice: “Because you are insulting people who presumably care about you (or they wouldn’t be inviting you to their weddings) by declaring that you grudge them the happiness that you want for yourself… Miss Manners recommends being a gracious guest, and then adding, when you praise the wedding on a later occasion, ‘My dream is to be able some day to invite you to my wedding here.'”

The Rebuttal: Only about a quarter of the people who invite you to their wedding care deeply enough to be offended. The other three-quarters are split between likes-you-but-is-happy-to-pare-down-the-guest-list and fine-by-me-just-send-us-the-check-and/or-item-from-Williams-Sonoma. If it’s a close friend or an immediate family member, just go. Match whatever you spent on the wedding gift with a donation to a same-sex marriage cause. If it’s an acquaintance or distant family member, send your regrets, minus the editorial. In either case, remember that you shouldn’t be waiting for an external event such as a wedding to solicit support. Activism is all year long.

header_logoThe Source: Art Malov, eHow.com

The Dilemma: Embarrassment reigns at the Greater Shiawassee Rotary Club pancake breakfast when it becomes clear that you’re the only member who has never dated a supermodel.

The Advice: “If you have no skills, you’re not going to meet a supermodel. Or a model. Or anybody who you find attractive. Don’t think, ‘I gotta date a supermodel.’ Start dating. Don’t wait for the supermodel to crash into your world. Start dating, and then you might meet a supermodel.”

The Rebuttal: Right, and if you want a unicorn, you’ve got to know how to ride a pony. If you want a million dollars, you’ve got to practice on quarters. If you want solid courtship advice, it’s best to ask someone who can button his shirt correctly and doesn’t have to furrow his brow in concentration when writing complex words like “start” and “dating” on a whiteboard.

buddyheader2The Source: Sex Advice with Sexual Ryan, By Travis Keller, Buddyhead

The Dilemma: “I go to a lot of concerts and in the crowd a few guys always try to feel me up. How do I stop them from groping me? I just want to watch the show I paid to see.”

The Advice: “If you’re getting groped at concerts, that means you’re crowd surfing or you’re at some of the most meathead shows of all time because I can’t imagine you, a female, standing there enjoying the band, and a dude comes up and grabs your tits. Maybe this happens, but it seems more like you’re crowd surfing.”

The Rebuttal: Sexual Ryan, do you have tits? No? Then shut the fuck up. Doubting someone’s story because you “can’t imagine” it makes you about as intelligent as those who spend all day engaged in mock agricultural pursuits and faux mafia wars on Facebook. Scumbag knows no musical preference. Four women filed rape charges at what was supposed to be the second incarnation of Woodstock, after all.