Advice

Awesome Advice, Way to Go!: Ann Landers’ daughter vs. Ashley Dupre.

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logo_lifestyleThe Source: Emily Marcelo, Philippine Daily Inquirer

The Dilemma: “I am a single mom of a 10-month-old girl. My problem is the father of my daughter has completely disappeared from our lives. I never saw him again since I was five months pregnant. How can I demand for child support when he has changed his mobile number?…I am willing to undergo DNA testing if it is required. —Abandoned Mother”

The Advice: “What you can do if you are not the wife is — get a life! Forget latching on or being a clinging vine to him even if he got you pregnant…The fact that he is nowhere to be found speaks volumes on how he feels for you. He does not love you!…Get a job if you don’t have any and stop thinking of ways to look for him…It was great while it lasted. Stop moping for this jerk who was only good for sex.”

The Rebuttal: Hey Abandoned Mother, why the long face? Forget that the baby needs diapers and medical care that you can’t afford, and get out there and take a pottery class! I’d babysit, since you have no one else to watch him, but I’m off to solve the rest of the world’s problems. First on the agenda is telling a rape survivor to “Lighten up!” and yelling “Why don’t you broads fucking eat something!” at a group of anorexics.

wowowowThe Source: Margo Howard, Wowowow.com

The Dilemma: You’re an advice columnist who’s had to bust her ass to get to the top, despite a debilitating handicap as the daughter of the late Ann Landers. Your world is rocked when the usually classy New York Post decides to cheapen your profession by giving a column to Ashley Dupre, former governor Eliot Spitzer’s ex-call girl.

The Advice: “Let me say, right off, that all of the advice columnists working today have some kind of background that makes them viable as advice givers…Let’s get real: the only advice this girl is qualified to give would be about which brand of condoms is most reliable, and how to stick to your guns when a john says he doesn’t want any of them. To be frank, no one would even know who this girl was had she and her sex toys not been rented by Gov. Spitzer when he was caught. By their clients ye shall know them? Is that how newspaper columnists are chosen these days?”

The Rebuttal: I’m no rabid Dupre fan, but this has epic hypocrisy written all over it. Let’s take a look at your qualifications, Margo. Where should we start? Your incomplete bachelor’s degree or your multiple divorces? We could just refer to a recent column in which you told a concerned best friend that, “Some things, and some people, are irredeemably hopeless.” Meanwhile, Dupre is offering her readers multiple solutions, a surprising percentage of which are coherent. Have you even read one of her columns, Margo, or are you too busy hissing “skank!” every time she walks by your locker?

fn-headerThe Source: Dr. Belisa Vranich, Fox on Sex

The Dilemma: “Dear Doc, my breasts are two different sizes, and I am trying to learn to accept myself. It’s not going well, any suggestions? Should I consider surgery? Two Cups in Tennessee

The Advice: “Only a surgeon can tell you if you will need to get a reduction in one, or an augmentation in the other, and even then they might not be absolutely symmetrical, but it might be enough to make you less self conscious. Read the wonderful story called “Frankenboobs” about a woman who did get surgery on a great sexual Web site called Scarleteen.com for starters.”

The Rebuttal: Dear Surgery: Have you considered surgery? Surgery says a good surgeon will be able to surgery you right out of that.  Best of Surgery! —Surgeon. Falsies have been around for centuries and bra technology is quickly surpassing NASA. I’m not recommending one over the other, but the non-surgical route should at least get equal mention.

bossipThe Source: Bossip Staff, Bossip

The Dilemma: Black Girl loves White Boy. White Boy loves Black Girl. White Boy and Black Girl decide to have a threesome, and that’s when the feces hits the flabellum.

The Advice: “You’ve definitely woven the metaphoric tangled web, my dear…You do indeed have a good man, regardless of his race…Thinking that your man knew precisely what he was getting into when he decided to participate borders oblivion. A steamy threesome is every man’s fantasy! Do you really think he took the time to think about the potential backlash that could ensue from inviting another woman into your bed?”

The Rebuttal: Bossip, you’re a good website, regardless of your predilection toward the ignorant and inane. Case in point: men can’t be held responsible for a threesome’s negative outcome because all you have to do is say the words “group sex” and their penises overpower their tiny little brains. It’s like giving a toddler an assault rifle, right? Wrong. It’s also insulting to all sexes and races.