Advice

Awesome Advice, Way To Go: Attention fellow columnists: ‘You asked for it’ is not good advice.

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dailystarThe Source: Just Jane, Daily Star

The Dilemma: “I first suggested swinging with another couple; my wife said she wasn’t sure… But we all met up for a drink and she liked them very much. A few nights later we organized a sex party… Now I’ve been left out in the cold completely. My wife regularly goes round to this other couple and makes love to both her and him — only I’m not invited. Apparently the woman doesn’t fancy me and doesn’t feel I’m well-endowed or exciting enough — and the husband doesn’t like the idea of another man touching his wife. When I complain to my wife she says I’ve got no comeback as I suggested it in the first place… Where did it go wrong?”

The Advice:
“If you play with fire, you’re going to get burned… Your wife is having the time of her life… Quite rightly, she’s reminding you that you started this whole process. All you can do is explain how hurt and excluded you feel.”

The Rebuttal: It’s amazing how many advice columnists default to the old “You asked for it!” rhetoric at the first mention of open relationships. Way to be compassionate. Yes, he asked his wife to swing. He did not ask her to deliberately exclude him or pass on harsh, unedited remarks about his lovemaking skills and the entertainment value of his penis. Sir, tell your wife the visits need to stop until the two of you can come to a more mutually satisfactory agreement.

lugazetteThe Source:
Renoil Simpkins, Ask A Brotha, Langston University Gazette

The Dilemma:
“I am a freshman and while I was very eager to come to college and make something of myself, I have failed. It’s only the first semester and I’m pregnant. I don’t want to leave school but I won’t be able to raise a child and go to school. I met the guy here on campus and now he doesn’t want anything to do with me. On top of that I am very scared to tell my parents. What should I do?”

The Advice: “Leaving school is NOT an option. Langston offers housing for students with families as well as daycare during the day. As far as the guy goes you don’t need him in your life or your child’s life. You are fully capable of raising a child alone and if that’s what it comes to then do what you have to do.”

The Rebuttal:
Leaving school IS an option. Sorry if those are not the most inspirational or aspirational words ever spoken, but it’s important to consider all your options. You need resources, money, and support. Babies can’t eat high ideals. Telling your parents is a good place to start, provided you can do that without getting your ass beat. If not, talk to a close friend or see what kind of resources your campus offers by way of mental-health counseling. Oh yeah, and keep after that baby’s father. He may come around eventually.

etmastheadThe Source: Jeanne Phillips, a.k.a. Dear Abby, Eagle Tribune

The Dilemma:
“My son, ‘Jeremy,’ age twenty-five, married his high-school sweetheart a little more than a year ago. They live about four-and-a-half hours away. When Jeremy was growing up, he and I were very close. Since his marriage I have tried not to call as often as I did when he was single… The problem is, he doesn’t respond to my e-mails, doesn’t answer my calls and rarely phones me to see how our family is doing… What should I do? …My son doesn’t call his younger brother either.”

The Advice: “His behavior is extremely rude, and one can only hope it isn’t because his bride has taken over and rules the roost. You deserve some answers, so by all means clear the air.”

The Rebuttal: Question: if your son is ignoring you, what’s the best way to get a response out of him? Answer: implicate his little lady. I think there’s more to this one than what’s on the surface. Why the new wife? Why not the long distance or the stresses and strains of the first year of marriage? Perhaps Jeremy doesn’t like his folks (for good or bad reason), or wants to distance himself because of something completely unrelated. Talk it out, Mom. But make it a reaching out instead of a lecture or interrogation.


menshealthThe Source:
Sex Professor, Debby Herbenick, M.P.H., Ph.D, Men’s Health

The Dilemma:
“I’ve heard watching porn together can spice things up. How do I convince her to join my viewing?”

The Advice: “Find the story. [Female-oriented porn site] has an evolving list of women-friendly flicks. A common thread: most of the films have stories. These help give women context for sex (valuable because women tend to pair arousal with relationships) and time to ease into the film’s sex scenes.”

The Rebuttal: You’re so right. Women do pair arousal with relationships. I keep trying to check out Debbie Does The Boyfriend Who Argues With Her at the Hardware Store About Paint Chips and Then Later Throws His Shoes in the Hallway for Her to Trip On but Netflix is always out of copies. Dear guys, don’t assume all girls will go for the soft-core period piece.  Let her pick out an adult flick or do it together. People generally feel more comfortable when they’re in charge of a first-time experience.