The Source: Isadora Alman, The Detroit Free Press
The Dilemma: “Do some women like their boyfriends and husbands to trim their pubic hair or shave it off completely? This guy at the gym has no pubic hair and it looks weird. He says his girlfriend shaved him. Is he putting me on? Could he be gay?”
The Advice: “He could be, but you certainly can’t tell by the presence or absence of pubic hair. Some men like it shorter and so do some women. Some really enjoy the feel of smooth skin there as do their partners. It’s a matter of preference and has nothing to do with men or women, gay or straight.”
The Rebuttal: Isadora, your advice is more or less correct, though I would argue that pubic shaving and the resulting “smooth skin” last about as long as a snow cone on a hot Mercury day. I’m calling you out on not calling your letter-writer out. What kind of guy stares at and forms judgments about another guy’s junk at the gym, and then has the nerve to call the other guy gay?
The Source: Kerry Gray, The Love Doctor, Don’t Date Him Girl
The Dilemma: You want to be his dream girl, but breaking into his apartment and climbing into his bed have yielded more legal action than marriage proposals.
The Advice: “How can you be his dream girl? That special girl he thinks about and longs to be with? The one and only girl who makes him seriously think about making your casual romance permanent? We tell you how… His dream girl is cool, calm, confident, and collected… She never says the final four words that every man dreads. ‘We have to talk’ and ‘where is this going’ are never even thoughts that cross her mind… She knows not to bring up the words wedding, marriage, love, and children. Those words are his to bring up first, so bringing up those subjects is up to him.”
The Rebuttal: Does the dream girl also wear seven layers of petticoats? Does she have a fifth-grade education? Is she forbidden from working outside the home? I’m all for not being pushy, but “where is this going” is not a verboten subject for a talk. Maybe not on a first date, but certainly after a reasonable period of courtship. Then again, if you’re on Don’t Date Him, Girl and looking for a boyfriend, perhaps your ability to confront and ask questions isn’t your strong point.
The Dilemma: “After twenty years of marriage, my wife and I separated, with the plan that I would undergo therapy to discover why I had become disconnected from her over the past few years. We agreed that after eight months or so, we would attend joint counseling sessions to see what had changed. After six months, I discovered she had had sex with a man and then later with a woman. She stated, ‘We’re separated, so I feel free to date and do not regret it.’ I consider this adultery. What do you think?”
The Advice: “A married person who has sex outside the marriage has committed adultery. However, a legal separation, as opposed to an informal parting, often gives spouses tacit permission to date others… But you have a bigger problem. If your wife is bisexual, your marriage may not be reconcilable. If she isn’t already in counseling, you should make it a condition of your continued efforts to save the relationship. Provided, of course, you still want to.”
The Rebuttal: “If your wife is bisexual, your marriage may not be reconcilable.” Say what?? They were together twenty years. He was the one who distanced himself, not her. There are problems to be worked out. Big ones. But they have more to do with whether the rules of engagement were clear, and whether the wife broke said rules. It’s willful infidelity, not bisexuality, that determines whether she’s worth keeping as a partner.
The Source: Myrtie Williams, North by Northwestern
The Dilemma: It’s the end of the semester, and you’re so slap-happy you’re boiling your Adderall and snorting your Top Ramen.
The Advice: “In the coming weeks, final exams, research papers and endless nights glued to a textbook are sure to be the story of our lives… So what is a Northwestern student to do? Answer: SEX! …I’ve figured out that the key to surviving finals weeks is to get out there and have the most satisfying, mind-blowing, wild and crazy, safe and consensual sex that you’ve always dreamed of… If you’re having trouble sleeping after hours of staring at your computer screen and drinking that fourth cup of coffee, make a booty call for a late-night quickie and you’ll be blissfully dreaming in no time… Sex can be just as beneficial as spending hours in the library. Maybe it’s time we redefine ‘all-night cram session.'”
The Rebuttal: Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t want the word “cram” anywhere near my vagina. Listen Myrtie, I know college. I even managed to graduate college. Here’s a lesson I learned: invite a dude over for a quickie, and twelve hours later, you’ve done zero studying and are about to embark on a wake ‘n’ bake before brunch. One word: masturbate. It takes less time, has the same benefits, and you won’t have to get out of your pajamas.