Advice

Awesome Advice, Way to Go! Calling out the week’s worst advice columns. This week: don’t lecture the strippers.

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Awesome Advice, Way to Go!


hersband-and-wifeThe Source: Hersband & Wife, a “whimsical duo of lesbian advice columnists” on HersbandAndWife.com

The Dilemma: Worried’s girlfriend is being hit on by another woman. The other woman happens to be the girlfriend’s sister’s ex-girlfriend. (Go ahead. Give yourself a second to sort through it, it’s okay.) When Worried complains, she’s called “controlling and jealous.”

The Advice: Hersband says, “When a woman is attracted to you she is going to be disrespectful to your girlfriend, wife or anyone around you… More relationships split up this way and the one that leaves is usually the innocent one.”

The Rebuttal: Incestuous pairings aside, let’s not demonize this other woman. Worried’s girlfriend has a brain and a mouth. She can set boundaries. Let’s leave the Eve complexes for the Adams.


mercury_news_logoThe Source: Male Call, Mercury News

The Dilemma: No Way I’m Leaving My Name is in charge of planning his best friend’s bachelor party. Best friend wants adult entertainment; best friend’s fiancé has already gone out of her way to give NWILMN the “no strippers” talk. Should he give his friend a lame night or risk post-marriage banning?

The Advice: “Is there not some middle ground here? What if you told the hired professional entertainment ladies in no uncertain terms — sternly, in fact — that there are to be no shenanigans… You don’t hire these entertainers to come to some hotel room, where any number of dubious scenarios could unfold, but you take the party to their place of employment, where they have rules about things like touching the help.”

The Rebuttal: Fuck middle ground and fuck solving your friends’ relationship problems, NWILMN. (That’s MY job.) Oh, and while we’re fucking things, fuck grooms who make their best men hold the Blame Stick. You should tell the happy couple they have one week to come to a mutual decision before bachelor party planning will commence. If not, fuck not having strippers, there won’t even be a party.


large-penis-support-groupThe Source: Sex With a Large Penis Forum, Large Penis Support Group

The Dilemma: “My wife says her pussy stings every time we have sex these days (which isn’t all that often — maybe once a month now),” says LPSG member Schisse. “Trying to figure out what it is, don’t want her to hurt.”

The Advice: “Try the butt; it’s just as flexible and with lots of Gun Oil lube and patience, it might make a good substitute,” advises ChadStallion, a fellow LPSG sufferer.

The Rebuttal: Call me Cathy Contrary, but I’m going to say she’s not an anal girl if they’re only doing it once a month. Asking for anal in this situation is like asking someone at a bar for their number, getting shot down, and then saying, “Fine. What about a handjob?” A stinging vagina should be addressed by a medical professional, not alternate penetration.


cosmogirl_logoThe Source: Tameka, writing for “Expert Advice”, CosmoGirl

The Dilemma: A “Do-Good Girl” with a declared age of twenty-nine-to-thirty-five bans her husband from his “BFF” because he does drugs. Then her dog goes missing. She accuses BFF, who says husband is cheating on her with multiple women. Do-Good Girl wonders if “he’s tryn to get back @at me” or is being truthful.

The Advice: Tameka says, “Sometimes the truth is the very thing you don’t want to accept… Just take some alone time and observe.”

The Rebuttal: Not bad, Tameka. My problem is with Do-Good Girl, who’s well past the Bonne Belle demographic and still using phrases like BFF and @ signs in her public correspondence. Not to mention seeking advice in CosmoGirl. What, did you try Highlights first, but Goofus & Gallant had a restraining order?


Read any sex or dating advice so odious it must be shared with the masses? Send it to erin@nerve.com with “Awesome Advice” in the subject.