Advice

Awesome Advice, Way to Go! Calling out the week’s worst advice columns. This week: for good outdoor sex, skip the picnic.

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glamour-magazine-logoThe Source: Christine Coppa, Glamour

The Dilemma: He didn’t want her to have the baby. She did anyway. He’s been out of the picture for the last couple of years but is now withholding child support unless he gets to see the baby.

The Advice: “Always look for a silver lining, it might not be entirely bad for your daughter to know her father and little by little form a relationship with him (remember, this isn’t a Lifetime Original Movie; the chances of your ex sweeping in and demanding custody is not likely to happen, especially since you were not married and he has been absent for two years and counting).”

The Rebuttal: A majority of those Lifetime movies are based on true stories. Take it from someone who’s squandered way too many Saturdays watching them. Don’t just invite your child’s absentee father back into your lives, no strings attached. Get a lawyer. Preferably one with expensive cufflinks and an intimidating demeanor.


shaindy-logo The Source: Dear Gabbi, writing for Shaindy, “a site for Jewish religious people who are miserable in their marriage or just need a little extra.”

The Dilemma: “I’m a bit of a wild boy and have always liked the idea of making love outdoors,” writes Yoily. “But my wife is quite inhibited…  How can I bring her around?”

The Advice: “Why don’t you assemble a seductive picnic and lead her to a secluded spot — again, I stress the need to avoid upsetting passers-by — where you can lay out a picnic blanket, food and the requisite amount of wine… With luck, she won’t have time to fear other people on a nature trail and will succumb to the beauty of the place and sensuality of the moment.”

The Rebuttal: I love how Gabbi stresses the need to “avoid upsetting passers-by” as Yoily leads his spouse to the checkered sheet and potato salad. Why would they be upset? Is he wearing a ski mask? Yoily, talk to your wife. Find out exactly what bothers her about outdoor sex. Is it the lighting? The sand in her ass? Do your due diligence, then set a scene that takes her needs into consideration.


ivillage-logoThe Source: J.C. Barker, for “Single & Loving It” on iVillage

The Dilemma: You’re a single female. Without a date. On a Saturday night. You’re suicidal.

The Advice: JC Barker to the rescue, with “Treat Yourself: 10 Tempting Ways to Spend a Date-Free Night”. Suggestions range from the bitter and passive (“#1: Realize that it’s his loss that he hasn’t found you yet”) to the active yet still bitter (“3. Cook a fabulous meal… Thank your lucky stars that you are not out with a pompous bore”) to the downright banal (“#5. Paint a room”).

The Rebuttal: Being single has its ups and downs, the latter of which are not helped by schizoid  self-help articles which make us feel guilty about being negative/lazy. You want to get out the drop cloth? Fine. But don’t rain on my sloth parade, Mr. Barker. Sometimes it’s okay to feel crappy about not having a date.


Read any sex or dating advice so odious it must be shared with the masses? Send it to erin@nerve.com with “Awesome Advice” in the subject.