Advice

Awesome Advice, Way To Go!: Could hovercrafts fix all of your online-dating problems?

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friskyThe Source: Phil Dotree, The Frisky

The Dilemma: Why does my boyfriend tell me he has an “early morning meeting” every time I initiate sex?

P.S. Did I mention he’s unemployed?

The Advice: Investigative reporter, psychic, and universal mouthpiece for just under half the world’s population Phil Dotree is here to clear things up with The Four Things Men Hate About Sex.

Highlights:

1. Penis injury: “Sprained penises are a fairly common sexual injury…”

2. Foreplay: “We’re creatures of the orgasm, and without a good deal of training, foreplay can seem pretty confusing to our simple sexual brains.”

3. Condoms: “Picture wrapping your vagina in a Walmart bag before sex, and you’ll have some idea of how condoms can feel at their worst.”

4. Getting Denied: “For guys, a big part of sexual life is being denied sex—being told by women that they’re not in the mood, now’s not the right time, tomorrow night, etc…Hey, it’s part of being a guy and having a ridiculous, confusingly constant sex drive.”

The Rebuttal: 1. No, sprained penises are not fairly common. If they were, you can be sure they’d be selling Axe-brand ice packs. You know what are common? Urinary tract infections in females. So shut it.

2. I’m sorry, I thought men were intelligent, sentient beings capable of giving and receiving pleasure. According to Dotree, they’re somewhere between Lenny in Of Mice and Men and Koko the gorilla.

3. Yes, there are some condom haters, but lots of guys are pro-raincoat. Some are baby paranoid. Some just want to last longer. I know some girls who can’t get their dudes to cool it with the Jimmy hats. Don’t assume, son.

4. For girls, a big part of sexual life is being told that you’re always desired. So if someone doesn’t desire you, well – obviously there must be something really, really wrong. Please go fill your face with Botox.

glamourThe Source: John Ortved, Single-ish, Glamour.com

The Dilemma: “I am leery of a guy who texts and asks for a ‘hot’ pic of me shortly after we start texting (even before the first date). Then there is the guy who sent me a pic of his member without me asking… I sound old fashioned, but I am only in my 30s… Oh wait, I just got a text from this new guy I met during a company training. Here is what he says after 3 days of texting: ‘how about a pic of you in your panties?’… Should I expect this to be the new norm?”

The Advice: “Once we’re out of college and into the real world, meeting people can be extremely difficult, but don’t despair, and don’t let these textual offenders turn you off. While I’m a fan of relationships that begin organically, there is absolutely nothing wrong with using new media to progress relationships and search out someone special… Old or new, just keep it real, doesn’t matter if it’s a text, the internet, or a dinner date. And you should expect the same in return.”

The Rebuttal: You tell her to “keep it real” but don’t give her any clue as to how. Here’s a tip: don’t get into long text exchanges before a first date. Be careful how you “flirt” over electronic mediums, as a little goes a long way. What you might think of as a coy whisper, many horndogs will interpret as a “Hey sailor, come get some!” shout.

vbThe Source: David Pierce, Venture Beat

The Dilemma: Online dating feels too impersonal.

The Advice: “Online dating is firmly entrenched as a viable option for meeting potential partners, but it has plenty of drawbacks… Weopia wants to close that gap by allowing users to go on virtual dates… Each person creates an avatar, and the two avatars go on a date together in the virtual world Weopia has created… Daters on Weopia can bond via activities like riding hovercrafts and watching sunsets… For now, online dating’s a great way to meet people, but a terrible way to get to know someone. Maybe Weopia can help.”

The Rebuttal: It’s like those Weopia guys read my mind! Hovercrafts are numero uno on my list of ways to give online dating more authenticity and realism, along with supermodel pecs, a freakishly chiseled face, and the ability to hanglide. I suppose Weopia will help me get to know people in one way: if a grown-ass adult would rather fly through enchanted forests than exchange a couple of emails and go out for a beer, I know we’re not right for each other.

The Source: Ian Kerner, Lemondrop.com

The Dilemma: “I always get so turned on and ready to go – but as soon as I finish I’m just bored and don’t want to continue. Being a female I get really embarrassed when I come too quickly and then can’t continue. What should I do?”

The Advice: “After a guy ejaculates, and depending upon his age, he’ll usually remain hard for about two minutes. Use this two-minute window to your advantage. As soon as he’s done, climb up on top and climax.”

The Rebuttal: No pressure with this technique. Nope, none at all. Ian, you’re a dude, so I’m going to guess you’ve never been at the receiving end of a flagging erection. This should give you a rough idea. Why not go with the old standbys, less foreplay and more pulling out? She might also want to think of ways to be less “bored.” There’s a difference between “can’t” and “won’t.”

Awesome Advice: A list of things to say to that naked woman in your bed

Miss Information: Do men really like plus-sized women?

The Nerve Dating Confessions