Advice

Awesome Advice, Way To Go!: How does one tell the difference between a ho and a housewife?

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mypThe Source: Dr. Pat Love, My Primetime

The Dilemma: “[My fiancé] doesn’t like me to use any type of sexual verbiage even when making love. He doesn’t think it’s ladylike…It’s not just ‘sex talk’ either. For instance I once called my ex-husband a ‘fart’ and you should have seen the look of disapproval I got for it… Sometimes I am afraid to open my mouth for fear of offending him or looking bad in his eyes. Our sex life is fabulous — I have never had better… So how do you suggest I adjust?”

The Advice: “Your question is a good one and illustrates how opposites do attract… Over time you and your fiancé will experience many changes in your preferences and will need to adjust accordingly… Use one another as a resource. What is it that he loves about you? How could you use this trait to address this issue? What is it you love about him? How could he use this trait to address this difference? …It sounds like you have a strong love and are one fortunate couple. How are you going to handle your good fortune?”

The Rebuttal: Dr. Love’s response is all very touchy-feely and empathetic but I don’t understand a word of it. This is not a matter of handling anyone’s “good fortune”, although with the letter writer enjoying her best sex ever, it’s not hard to see why Dr. Love uses that term. Fact: he doesn’t like salty language. Fact: she doesn’t like behaving like a Duggar. Have a frank (well, not too frank) discussion about what you both can and can’t deal with and make some mutual concessions for fudge’s sake. It’s not that flippin’ hard.

 

esquireThe Source: Esquire Editors

The Dilemma: You need a little help communicating with your girlfriend.

The Advice: Fret not. Esquire is here, with “The Words She Really Wants to Hear”, the men’s mag’s most exciting piece since June 2006’s gripping expose on French cuffs.

A choice snippet:

If she says: “Do you like what I’m wearing?”

You’re supposed to say: “You look beautiful.”

This is because: “A little bit of ambiguity goes a long way. Leave specific criticisms to her friends. She doesn’t love you for your informed opinions on culottes.”

The Rebuttal: The world is not a CW sitcom and it’s possible to give a woman constructive criticism about their clothing. In fact, it’s vital. If I’m going to a job interview or your parents’ house and I look like an ass, I want you to tell me about it. As a fellow rent payer, I dare say it’s part of your job. Friends are great, but they’re not there when we’re getting dressed in the morning. You are. If you don’t like it, just say something like, “What you’ve got on is okay, but I like your blue dress/houndstooth jacket/nipple clamps a little better.” We promise we won’t fall apart.

 

lowriderThe Source: Veronica Vixen, Lowrider Magazine

The Dilemma: “Every girl I have been with has ended up being a ho. How do I tell the difference between a ho and a housewife?”

The Advice: “I know that some people think it’s wrong, but I think the best way to test if your girl is a ho is the friend test. Get one of your friends to try and holla at ya girl. If she doesn’t instantly start yelling at your homeboy, then run to you and tell you how much of an ass your friend is, then she definitely ain’t the one to take home to momma.”

The Rebuttal: If Veronica’s method fails to resolve the issue, the question asker can always turn to this Ho-bags and Housewives photography project, or do the sensible thing and seek out the informed medical opinion of Dr. Dre. He could also do something really wacky, like broadening his definition of womanhood in order to stop coming off like such a wank-knob and attract a better class of female.

 

gsThe Source: Robbyne Kaamil, GaySocialites.com

The Dilemma: “I love my job and can see myself growing with this company. I get along with everyone but I think my boss has a crush on me. He is always asking me to go out with him and other co-workers for after work drinks…He recently asked that he and I meet up for Sunday brunch. I agreed to go. On Monday at work he asked me jokingly ‘Did we make out yesterday?’ I don’t want to start a relationship with him but I’m starting to feel some sexual tension between us. How do I stay on good terms with my boss and keep my job?”

The Advice: “You are wise not to spread your legs for your boss man…You don’t have to go out every time with your boss and co-workers…Regarding the sexual tension between you and your boss I wouldn’t get worked up over that. Just because you let a dog have a sniff of meat doesn’t mean you have to let him take a bite. Besides, I doubt that your boss wants a sexual harassment suit on his hands.”

The Rebuttal: How come there’s no male equivalent of “spread your legs”, a phrase which always makes it sound like a woman is doing something tawdry and awful? “Don’t accept every coworker invite” is good advice, but I wouldn’t assume the boss is automatically going to control himself. Avoid hanging out with him one-on-one and put a framed picture of a “boyfriend” on your desk. If all else fails, hit up Human Resources.