The Source: Agony Aunt, Scotland on Sunday
The Dilemma: “I recently went out for dinner with some work colleagues and a waiter dropped a cup of boiling coffee in my lap. My skin was scalded and so I had no option but to pull my trousers down in the middle of the restaurant, exposing my unwaxed bikini line to my workmates. Now I can’t face seeing them again.”
The Advice: “A lady should always be at her best, whether expecting to expose her nether regions or not. What were you doing with an untended bikini line in the first place? If you are casual about your appearance, it suggests you might be out of control in other areas of your life. Take a trip to the beauty salon immediately.”
The Rebuttal: This one’s so bad I actually I researched the author’s other columns to make sure I wasn’t making something out of nothing, like those people who write angry letters to The Onion.
Everyone has their reasons to wax or not to wax, but being prepared for a freak occurrence shouldn’t be one of them. Ladies, let’s all wear protective face gear, twenty-four/seven. That way, we can keep our complexions baby-smooth even if we’re mauled by wild tigers. Must be “at our best”, you know.
The Source: Steven James Dixon, Essence.com
The Dilemma: You’re a Miss but you want to be a Mrs.
The Advice: No need to go buying another cat and sobbing the lyrics to that Beyoncé song. “10 Ways to Go From Girlfriend to Wife” was written based on author Steven James Dixon’s belief that “too often women are more concerned with how to get a man then they are concerned with how to be a woman.”
A few highlights:
“Turn His House Into a Home
As a single brother, my crib had the bare necessities. A woman came by one day and slowly started to upgrade my stuff in a very subtle but profound way because no woman had ever done it before… I was like ‘She knows what she doing, I am going to marry her.’”
“Watch His Momma, Do What She Do
You don’t have to be his Momma, but you should try to be in her likeness. Here is an example: during the holidays when you were at your man’s family home, if his grandma, momma and auntie were all in the kitchen and you were in the den watching the game with him, y’all probably had the best time ever, right? But guess what, he’s probably going to break up with you. You should be in that kitchen with his female relatives or else go and find yourself a man whose mother can’t cook.”
The Rebuttal: Most singles find it creepy when someone starts messing with their household décor. Then again, if I found a person willing to paint and redecorate my apartment free of charge, I’d probably propose, also. “Will you marry me? Sweet! Let’s go to Home Depot. The shower needs recaulking.”
As far as mimicking the behavior of his female relatives, that’s probably wise on the first date, but there’s nothing wrong with splitting your time between the kitchen and the game. Lots of hosts are territorial about intruders and you may get on his mom’s nerves if you hover by the dishwasher too long.
The Source: Carole Jahme, The Guardian
The Dilemma: “I am forty-two and I still don’t want children. The idea of marriage or a long-term partner with children repulses me still, though sex is still very much on my agenda. I usually seek women who have already had children so that I don’t feel pressure to reproduce… What’s going on with me?”
The Advice: “Your repulsion at the thought of parenthood and all that goes with it may help you to remain as an overgrown adolescent. Without the pressures of responsibility you have not had demands put upon you that would have activated certain behavioural strategies. Thus, you have not adapted and cognitively matured in accordance with the demands of responsible breeding.
Narcissism in males can accompany an attractive boyishness, which on first impressions can appeal to females. But selfish, egocentric and immature behaviour in males will eventually contribute to the breakdown of a relationship.”
The Rebuttal: Jahme writes from an evolutionary psychologist’s point-of-view. We’re all a bunch of monkeys, blah blah blah. Some of it’s smart, like when she refrains from slapping a Peter Pan complex on a thirty-something woman involved with a guy much younger. But calling the desire to not have children narcissistic? “Independent” or “values free time and would rather watch Breaking Bad than Yo Gabba Gabba!” would be more appropriate.
The Source: Top Dating Tips
The Dilemma: You want an easy way to hit on a hot babe at the bar.
The Advice: This one’s obvious. Magic tricks! Because everyone knows Doug Henning and Criss Angel get maximum poon. Be amazed as the older-dad version of that Tyra lackey on America’s Next Top Model flubs a complex trick involving drinking glass and a quarter.
The Rebuttal: Nix the tricks and trying working on your wardrobe. A tiger sweatshirt, mom-jeans, and a panther-link gold bracelet aren’t big sells. Women want to meet you, not you-as-performer. If you want to differentiate yourself, be the guy without the cheesy stunts and pickup lines. Just walk over and say hello.