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September 17, 2009
The Source: Monica Collins, Ask Dog Lady, Chicago Sun-Times
The Dilemma: "I've got a great dog. He's a 1-year-old cocker spaniel...The only problem? He really likes underwear...I realize that throwing underpants directly in the washing machine isn't that big of a deal. But why is he so fascinated with my underwear? I also have a great boyfriend, whose dirty undergarments are left untouched."
The Advice: "Just understand your underpants hold scents that are the essence of you - a dear dog's delight. Why should your well-behaved cocker spaniel chomp into your boyfriend's briefs when he can chow down on yummy panties containing secrets of the goddess who rescued him?... Make sure you train him about what is and isn't proper to chew. Meanwhile, consider his undergarment delectation as a sublime compliment."
The Rebuttal: "Yummy panties"? "Dear dog's delight"? "Scents that are the essence of you"? This reads like a feminine hygiene ad meets a Gravy Train commercial. Your dog is chewing on your underwear because he's dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. No offense to any of you Cocker owners, I'm sure your Max/Ginger/Boutros Boutros-Ghali is the brilliant exception. I'm just saying that if dogs were people, cocker spaniels would be the ditzy sorority girls.
The Source: Ann Marie Rios, Latina.com
The Dilemma: "My boyfriend of two years and I have a great relationship...The thing is he wants me to go 100 percent bare 'down there.' In the past I have endured the pain of waxing and the irritation of shaving...But I feel like I shouldn't have to be bare like a baby all the time!...Any ideas on how we can compromise?
The Advice: "A good compromise could be to keep some sort of a 'landing strip' or patch of hair above the pubic bone while keeping everything below bare...You can even keep it fun by surprising him with new hairstyles in the shape of a heart or even the initials of his name!"
The Rebuttal: In addition to writing a sex column, Ann Marie is also an adult film star. For this reason, I'm going to refrain from shaving the words "GET REAL" on my mons pubis and chalk it up to a case of occupational blinders. This woman is writing because she finds hair removal annoying and Ann Marie is recommending she get even more fastidious. This chafes me in more ways than my Lady Schick ever could.
The Source: Stacey Grenrock Woods, Esquire.com
The Dilemma: "I haven't been able to stay interested in the past seven girls I've been involved with. As soon as we have sex, I'm ready to move on. I'm just curious: Have others gone through such a phase, or am I experiencing something more deeply rooted?"
The Advice: "You've found seven women with whom (notice that pronoun) you don't enjoy sex enough. And, yes, others have gone through 'such a phase'; it's called 'human evolution.' And, yes, its roots are deep -- they go back to before Woodstock."
The Rebuttal: While I agree that biology plays a big part in why we act the way we do, it's funny how rarely pop scientists come out with studies like "Intimacy Issues Among Norwegian Rats" or "The Madonna-Whore Complex as Observed in the Bottlenose Dolphin." Could it be that nature and nurture isn't as sexy (or as responsibility-eschewing) of a story? To all you cheaters and pump-'n-dumpers: you do what you do, and we get to throw our poop at you. It's only fair, since we're just monkeys after all.
The Source: Jordan Christy, author of "How to Be a Hepburn in a Hilton World: The Art of Living with Style, Class, and Grace," Columbia Daily Tribune
The Dilemma: You're a hater of glitter, Chihuahuas, and sex tapes and a lover of little black dresses and big black eyebrows. You're searching for Mr. Right in the self-help aisle of your local Barnes & Noble.
The Advice: "'My hope for the book is that it really serves as a call to action for the young women of this generation to stand up for our dignity and values again.' Christy urges her readers to reject 'stupid girl antics'-- posting risqué photos online, dropping the F-bomb in every sentence and shamelessly stalking boys. She maintains that values such as courtesy, hard work and modesty never go out of style."
The Rebuttal: Revisionist much? Audrey clocks in at one broken engagement and double that number of divorces. That's not even getting into the seldom-talked-about depression and eating disorder. Ladies, instead of trying to emulate some illusion of feminine perfection, why not just be yourselves? If not that, then at least the other Hepburn. The clothes are just as cute and way more comfortable.
Commentarium (25 Comments)
This column needs to be euthanized....Stacy Grenrock Woods' column is for all intents a humor piece, not an actual advice forum....she worked for the Daily Show for f's sake!
Are you serious about dumb dogs? First, all dogs like dirty underwear just as they all enjoy to find the dirtiest things they can and roll in it after a bath. It has nothing to do with intelligence. Additionally, dogs are like kids - you get out what you put in. Please, Mistress of "Advice" stay petless and childless. I think the world will be better for it.
can i have the last 5 minutes of my life back please?
We had a house rabbit that used to eat the crotches out of my dad's dirty underwear. Never touched anything from me or my sisters. My dad thought we were doing it as a practical joke.
I am 100% w/ erin on the dog front. most dogs are very, very dumb. if a seeing-eye dog was eating panties, that would be a different story.
no, dogs like to chew on women's underwear. An exboyfriend's dog used to do it all the time, so I had to make sure I hit the hamper and not the floor. I guess we taste good, sour and salty and whatever else. It's not because the dog's dumb.
Question for all the "It's not because the dog is dumb" -people:
We are talking about the same dogs who eat cat shit, right? And even their own shit too occasionally?
Ok, just making sure.
Oh, also? If Stacey Grenrock Woods is supposed to be writing "for all intents a humor column" -- wouldn't someone have required her by now to make some attempt to be funny?
admit it trinashere, you're a cocker spaniel, aren't you? i thought i told you to stay off my computer!!
Actually, Erin, all you need are readers with a friggin' sense of humor. Unfortunately, idiots have learned how to use the Interwebs...and they're growing exponentially.
I have to agree with SaEta that this column needs to be euthanized like a doddering cocker spaniel. It just isn't working and I am compelled to read it each time to see if it's as bad as I think it will be, or to see if I can be pleasantly surprised, but it's just too fucking earnest and hectoring. Put it and us out of misery.
How can something simultaneously be earnest and hectoring?
"...and I am compelled to read it each time..."
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Sounds like it's working pretty well to me!
We're pointing out that dogs are dumb, but I think humans are dumbest.
ah, miss info, you've such a lovely mind. boutros-boutros ghali. made my day.
i've had and known many dogs of many different breeds and all love worn panties. they never go after a guy's undies, just the girls'. yeah, dogs are dumber than humans but that cocker is not dumber than any other dog because it likes panties. gotta love "the essence of you." that being said, the cockers i have known do seem dumber than a lot of other breeds. i usually enjoy this column but this one was pretty crappy.
also, why is this column listed as being posted today on the main page but it's dated and most comments are from sept 09? is nerve really rehashing this sh!t?
Why is this of all things being recycled??
Cocker spaniels are pretty overbred at this point, so they may well be dumber than a lot of other breeds (I don't know for sure because I have no experience with them.) But that dog isn't eating underwear because he's dumb. It really is true that dogs love things that smell like their owners. My dog used to love lying on the floor with his head on our shoes.
But thank you for calling out the ridiculous "it's evolution" column. Has anything ever been used to deflect responsibility from individuals as much as evolutionary psychology? It sure wields a lot of power, considering a lot of scientists question the validity of the entire field and with good reason.
I think Erin is frequently late in filing copy. There have been past articles that were incomplete or posted at far later times than usual. Maybe she just failed to turn something in this week?
rKBuD3 Of course, I understand a little about this post but will try cope with it...
Post brought me to think, went to mull over.....
Thank you, a very interesting note...
The text is promising, will place the site to my favorites!!!
I almost accidentally visited to this site, but stayed here for a long time. Stayed because everything was very interesting. Surely will share with all my friends!...
I must admit, the webmaster is a cool guy..!
Now you say something