Awesome Advice, Way To Go: Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to give grooming advice.

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cst_logo_353_2The Source: Monica Collins, Ask Dog Lady, Chicago Sun-Times

The Dilemma: “I’ve got a great dog. He’s a 1-year-old cocker spaniel…The only problem? He really likes underwear…I realize that throwing underpants directly in the washing machine isn’t that big of a deal. But why is he so fascinated with my underwear? I also have a great boyfriend, whose dirty undergarments are left untouched.”

The Advice:
“Just understand your underpants hold scents that are the essence of you – a dear dog’s delight. Why should your well-behaved cocker spaniel chomp into your boyfriend’s briefs when he can chow down on yummy panties containing secrets of the goddess who rescued him?… Make sure you train him about what is and isn’t proper to chew. Meanwhile, consider his undergarment delectation as a sublime compliment.”

The Rebuttal:
“Yummy panties”? “Dear dog’s delight”? “Scents that are the essence of you”? This reads like a feminine hygiene ad meets a Gravy Train commercial. Your dog is chewing on your underwear because he’s dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. No offense to any of you Cocker owners, I’m sure your Max/Ginger/Boutros Boutros-Ghali is the brilliant exception. I’m just saying that if dogs were people, cocker spaniels would be the ditzy sorority girls.

zen_latina_logoThe Source:
Ann Marie Rios,

The Dilemma:
“My boyfriend of two years and I have a great relationship…The thing is he wants me to go 100 percent bare ‘down there.’ In the past I have endured the pain of waxing and the irritation of shaving…But I feel like I shouldn’t have to be bare like a baby all the time!…Any ideas on how we can compromise?

The Advice: “A good compromise could be to keep some sort of a ‘landing strip’ or patch of hair above the pubic bone while keeping everything below bare…You can even keep it fun by surprising him with new hairstyles in the shape of a heart or even the initials of his name!”

The Rebuttal:
In addition to writing a sex column, Ann Marie is also an adult film star. For this reason, I’m going to refrain from shaving the words “GET REAL” on my   mons pubis and chalk it up to a case of occupational blinders. This woman is writing because she finds hair removal annoying and Ann Marie is recommending she get even more fastidious. This chafes me in more ways than my Lady Schick ever could.

esquireThe Source:
Stacey Grenrock Woods,

The Dilemma:
“I haven’t been able to stay interested in the past seven girls I’ve been involved with. As soon as we have sex, I’m ready to move on. I’m just curious: Have others gone through such a phase, or am I experiencing something more deeply rooted?”

The Advice:
“You’ve found seven women with whom (notice that pronoun) you don’t enjoy sex enough. And, yes, others have gone through ‘such a phase’; it’s called ‘human evolution.’ And, yes, its roots are deep — they go back to before Woodstock.”

The Rebuttal:
While I agree that biology plays a big part in why we act the way we do, it’s funny how rarely pop scientists come out with studies like “Intimacy Issues Among Norwegian Rats” or “The Madonna-Whore Complex as Observed in the Bottlenose Dolphin.” Could it be that nature and nurture isn’t as sexy (or as responsibility-eschewing) of a story? To all you cheaters and pump-‘n-dumpers: you do what you do, and we get to throw our poop at you. It’s only fair, since we’re just monkeys after all.

cdtThe Source: Jordan Christy, author of “How to Be a Hepburn in a Hilton World: The Art of Living with Style, Class, and Grace,” Columbia Daily Tribune

The Dilemma:
You’re a hater of glitter, Chihuahuas, and sex tapes and a lover of little black dresses and big black eyebrows. You’re searching for Mr. Right in the self-help aisle of your local Barnes & Noble.

The Advice:
“‘My hope for the book is that it really serves as a call to action for the young women of this generation to stand up for our dignity and values again.’ Christy urges her readers to reject ‘stupid girl antics’– posting risqué photos online, dropping the F-bomb in every sentence and shamelessly stalking boys. She maintains that values such as courtesy, hard work and modesty never go out of style.”

The Rebuttal: Revisionist much? Audrey clocks in at one broken engagement and double that number of divorces. That’s not even getting into the seldom-talked-about depression and eating disorder. Ladies, instead of trying to emulate some illusion of feminine perfection, why not just be yourselves? If not that, then at least the other Hepburn. The clothes are just as cute and way more comfortable.