Advice

Awesome Advice Way to Go!: Testing your boyfriend’s heterosexuality by proposing a threesome: what could go wrong?

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picture-1The Source: Steve Lewis & Eiseley Tauginas, BlackBook

The Dilemma: “My current boyfriend and I are great together. He’s got a crazy fun sense of humor and he’s very passionate in bed. But there’s one problem. My family and friends who have met him swear up and down that he he’s gay. He’s a very pretty man and usually befriends gay men before straight ones at the bar. How can I tell if my man is really gay?”

The Advice: From Steve: “Omg! Omg! Omg! Darling why does it matter to you? …I think you better decide if you’ll take him as he is. He sounds like a keeper.”

From Eiseley: “The only real way you’ll be able to tell if your man is gay is if you catch him banging a dude, so if you’re really concerned about it, propose a threesome…with a dude. If he’s overly enthusiastic about it, then have that convo.”

The Rebuttal: For Steve: WTF! WTF! Sexuality is a core component of who we are, darling. Wanting to know whether your partner is straight/bi/gay-but-only-for-Johnny-Depp doesn’t make you homophobic or high-maintenance. If “funny” and “good in bed” are your only standards, then my rageaholic ex and David Letterman are also “keepers.”

For Eiseley: Only in Letters To Penthouse Forum and very special episodes of Law & Order: Special Morons Unit do people solve problems by proposing threesomes. What’s so wrong with a tactful, adult conversation?

logo-tbiThe Source: Alyson Shontell, Silicon Alley Insider

The Dilemma: You are a twenty-something female trying to decide whether it’s worth it to whip out the credit card and sign up for an online dating service.

The Advice: “What is the one online activity most of my generation gawks at? Internet dating,” says Alyson Shontell, a twenty-three-year-old Syracuse graduate with a degree in Lazily Researched Trend Articles and Mass Generalizations. “Why are us youngsters open to everything except finding a special buddy online? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. The bottom line is, we don’t need to use dating sites. No offense, but we’re young! And young people are active… There is one exception to this rule. I have a lot of Jewish friends, and most of them are proudly on the dating site Jdate.”

The Rebuttal: First of all, it’s JDate, not Jdate. Even I know that, and I’m a shiksa. Second through twelfth, there are quite a few people in their thirties and forties who manage to get out there on their mobility chairs, pound a couple of tapioca shots, and everything else that goes along with being “active.” Online dating and social networking are not that far removed and I bet you a zillion old-people dollars that you’ve met at least one person through the latter.

askmen-logoThe Source:
Doc Love, Ask Men

The Dilemma: “I’ve been dating Kanesha, a single mom, for a couple of months. I’m twenty-five and she’s twenty-eight. I have a very promising career in sales and marketing and own my own home… Kanesha is a waitress at a Red Lobster…Here’s my problem: Kanesha texts me just about all the time to fill me in on whatever she is doing in her schedule… I need to know how to stop. – Jeb”

The Advice: “If there’s absolutely no chance of you marrying her and being a great father to her kids, you should drop her right now, because what you’re doing is all a complete waste of time… You should have told her from the beginning: ‘Honey, save whatever you have to say to me for our dates.’ …Remember, guys: The only way to beat a bad habit is to not let it start.”

The Rebuttal:
A caustic “honey” is no way to begin a relationship request. It is, however, a good way to lose your access to free cheddar-garlic-crack biscuits from your girlfriend/Red Lobster waitress. I’m not a single parent, but if I were I’d be pissed off at peeps like Doc Love, who automatically assume having a child means you want to be serious. What if she’s texting because she wants to keep it casual? Only a talk will tell.

timesonlineThe Source:
Suzi Godson, Times Online

The Dilemma: “My life has become very stressful in the past eighteen months and the only way that I can find the energy to make love to my husband is to drink a bottle of wine beforehand. I love him and want to get our sex life back on track but feel helpless.”

The Advice:
“Booze is a quick pick-me-up, but what you need is a long-term fix. It’s called exercise. I can hear you groan at the thought of another thing to fit into your day but you will feel the change straight away — I promise. Within about three months, one hour of vigorous exercise, five days a week, will give you a brighter outlook, a smaller bottom, and, best of all, a bigger libido.”

The Rebuttal: A bottle of wine is a “quick pick-me-up”? What’s heroin, then — a glass of warm milk? Exercise is one solution, but I’d also recommend taking a look at your drinking and perhaps individual or couples therapy. Heck, even a daily planner is better than guzzling Merlot to revive yourself.