The Source: Lance Armstrong advises Tiger Woods
The Dilemma: You’re a married professional golfer named after a large predator and you’ve cheated with enough floozies to fill a calendar. Now your wife’s mad and major corporations don’t want you at their lunch table.
The Advice: “I would encourage him to get out there and be seen,” says Lance Armstrong, seven-time winner of the Tour de France and the best thing to happen to the rubber-bracelet industry since Madonna.
The Rebuttal: Tiger, are you really going to listen to a guy who dated Sheryl Crow and now shills for RadioShack? Oh, excuse me, I mean The Shack. Lance could poison the water supply and dine on baby kittens and still have the public’s support. You know why? Testicular cancer. No one wants to get down on the guy with one ball for fear karma will get them. I do regular exams, and I don’t even have a nutsac. Disappear for a year, do some charity work, then make your comeback doing what you do best — that would be golf, not nightclub hostesses and Ambien.
The Source: Elton John enables Eminem
The Dilemma: You’re a white rapper from Detroit who needs help with your pill addiction. Ideally, it would be someone who had ongoing issues with hair loss and fanciful sunglasses. What’s that? You say Elton John’s available?
The Advice: “I’ve been helping Eminem over the last eighteen months and he’s doing brilliantly,” Elton enthused.
The Rebuttal: You know who else Elton helped “get off drugs”? Princess Di and Michael Jackson. Much love for the Rocket Man and the idea of addicts helping addicts. Let’s just hope Eminem is getting some supplemental professional treatment. It would be a shame if we lost Mr. Mathers before he completed his artistic exploration as a newly-minted brunette.
The Source: Michelle Kwan on Kim Yu-na
The Dilemma: You’re Kim Yu-na, South Korean figure skater and soon-to-be competitor at the 2010 Vancouver Olympic Games. You know you’re supposed to go out there and twirl around in sequins, but how can you calm your nerves while getting the most out of this once-in-a-lifetime experience?
The Advice: “Five-time world champion figure skater Michelle Kwan, 29, told reporters that Kim will be grappling with the pressure of competing at her first Olympics. Her advice: ‘Enjoy the Games.'”
The Rebuttal: “Enjoy the Games?” That’s all we get, Kwan? No “go for the gold” or “practice makes perfect” or “true love waits”? It sounds like something the check-in agent says to you at the airport. Talk about generic.
Kimmy, I’ll do you three better:
1) Don’t club anyone in the knee.
2) Don’t skate to anything from “Fiddler on the Roof” or “The Sound of Music” (both are way played).
3) Don’t make the same mistake I did in grammar school and get one of those Dorothy Hamill haircuts. Everyone will call you “penis head” or “mushroom” and it’s really embarrassing.
The Source: Miley Cyrus on Angelina Jolie and Madonna
The Dilemma: You’re an ex-child star and the daughter of a fallen country star, and you have a problem with the way two grown-ass women — who’ve accomplished way more than you ever will — are parenting.
The Advice: “17-year-old [Miley Cyrus] spoke on Irish TV show Xpose about her views on kids being in the public eye without their consent. The Hannah Montana star ‘really disagrees with it,’ she said, because the children have not made the decision for themselves. Angelina Jolie and Madonna have both appeared in various magazine photoshoots with their children in the past.”
The Rebuttal: Miley, we take this to mean you hate your dad? If it wasn’t for his Achy Breaky you’d have no Famey-Wamey. Angie, Madge, carry on. An Internet without Zahara pictures would be a terrible and cruel place.