Advice

Awesome Advice, Way to Go!: The Washington Post forgets that vampires aren’t real.

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jamaica-star-onlineThe Source: Rev. Aaron Dumas, Tell Me Pastor, Jamaica Online Star

The Dilemma: “I am twenty-six and I met this thirty-one-year-old man a year ago… We only have sex twice a month, as he makes excuses to not make love to me… I love this man but I know he is depressed. I have suggested counseling, but he refuses. I suggested antidepressants but he refuses to even think about it. “

The Advice: “You can only encourage him to get help but you cannot force him… If he does not get help, he may even quit school and give up on life. I must also warn you that although you are enjoying having sex with him, you are going to regret what you are doing because, right now, whether you know it, he is only having sex to please you. Please do not encourage him to take antidepressant tablets. Continue to encourage him to go for help.”

The Rebuttal: I have a question for you, Man of the Cloth: if God didn’t want us to be happy, why did he invent SSRIs? Anti-depressants may not be an answer, but it’s way too early to rule them out, especially if you don’t have anything even remotely resembling a medical license. As for the sex, chill the H out. You make her sound like a third-time offender. Unless she had him in eight-point restraints, I’m pretty sure his penis was a willing party.

London Free PressThe Source: Robin Anderson, London Free Press

The Dilemma: “All my friends are attached at the moment, and their boyfriends are all they seem to want to talk about… They go out with their guys, and I find myself either excluded from the group outing, or ignored in favor of making eyes at their guys. How can I fit in to my group again?

The Advice: “I think it is fair for you to expect your friends to treat you the same way they did before… Tell them how this is affecting you and that you feel you are being pushed out. Let them know that you still want to spend time with them but that you are feeling slighted by their actions… See if their behavior changes once you have given them something to think about.”

The Rebuttal: People change when they enter into long-term relationships. Expecting everything to stay the same is to deny reality. You can’t complain without offering concrete suggestions, whether it’s a weekly ‘girls night’ or a thirty-minute limit on guy talk. Make it fun — whoever can go the longest without mentioning their beau gets a free shot/appetizer/etc. at the end of the night.

Washington PostThe Source: Scott Bowen, interviewed by Stephen Lowman for The Washington Post

The Dilemma: You know what they say: all the fanged ones are taken. How does a girl stand out from all the Twilight slags and True Blood wanna-bes and snag herself a real-deal vampire?

The Advice:Do [vampires] make good boyfriends? Yes and no. A woman involved with a vampire certainly has a measure of protection she has never ever had before. He is a cross between bodyguard, knight, and cop. It’s a bit topsy-turvy because this is someone who can only function when the sun is down. If you are a busy, professional woman who has a serious job or daytime responsibilities, it’s going to be bit taxing.

What are some vampire turn-ons and turn-offs? They definitely like outgoing, athletic women who are up for a little midnight roving… There might come a point in a relationship with a vampire where the woman realizes that he has killed someone — for a good reason, but he has done it. He is looking for someone who has an alternative point of view and can accept that.”

The Rebuttal: PSSST… vampires are NOT REAL. A person who kills someone is called a murderer, and a grown woman who wants to date a guy who runs around in cloaks and white makeup needs to get her ass to a shrink and her nose out of her Anne Rice novel.

deardaisyThe Source: Dear Daisy, Daisy Melwani, Travel Blackboard

The Dilemma: “Dear Daisy:  Having heard so much about this ‘Mile High Club,’ I was wondering if you had any tips to help me get into such an exclusive association? — Need Some Mileage

The Advice: “The first step is to consider buying a business-class ticket. Not only are the toilets here bigger than economy class, there’s also a smaller cabin of people to try and avoid when making your move. Of course convincing your bosses that they should upgrade you to business on the next business trip may be a difficult task in these difficult recessionary times… Additionally, some airlines have now mandated policies against the sort of behavior that you’re suggesting — so maybe double check the fine-print before hitting on your fellow passengers and cross your fingers that the hottie in 3A isn’t an air marshal.”

The Rebuttal: First of all, don’t do this. You’re looking at a night in jail if you get caught, not to mention public embarrassment and fines totaling thousands of dollars. Book a ticket on an airline that caters to this kind of passenger. What it lacks in naughty factor it more than makes up for in amenities. Why do it in a scuzzy bathroom when you can have champagne, a queen-size bed, and flowers? If  you have your heart set on blue toilet water and questionable smells, ignore Daisy and book coach. The business-class bathrooms are right near the pilots and the flight attendants, i.e. extraordinarily obvious. And don’t do it on business travel, for the love of Michael Jordan. Talk about fucking yourself over if you get caught. “Sorry, Darcy. I’m in jail. Yep. Got caught fucking on the plane. Do me a solid and tell Jim I won’t be able to make that 9:00 a.m. conference call.”