Advice

Awesome Advice, Way to Go! This week: Don’t feel guilty about that booty call.

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examiner_logo-headerThe Source: Debra Berndt, certified hypnotic love coach, Examiner.com

The Dilemma: Michael Jackson is dead. Debra thinks there must be a connection between the demise of one of the world’s most celebrated entertainers and your inability to woo that cute little waitress at Dave & Buster’s.

The Advice: “They say that Michael had two sides of him, his persona on stage and the quiet, sensitive man in private. How many times have you been on a date and let one of your masks show up instead of your authenticity?”

The Rebuttal: At a loss for story ideas, eh Deb? Good thing you had that dog-eared issue of Cheap-N-Timely sitting around. The only way Jacko can be of use to daters is as sex, striptease, and/or sexy striptease music. Everyone is awesome in bed when “Workin’ Day and Night” from Off the Wall is grooving in the background.


askmen-logoThe Source: Thomas Foley, AskMen.com

The Dilemma: “As every man knows, there are some things you just can’t come right out and say to your girlfriend. For obvious reasons, ‘You’ve put on weight, and I find you less attractive’ is one of them. Even if it does have the desired effect and she goes on to drop a few pounds, she’ll never forgive you for pointing it out so bluntly and making her feel like sh*t in the process.”

The Advice: Dive right into AskMen’s ocean of sensitivity and let the tender exhortations wash over you. You can’t go wrong with tips like #10. Buy her clothes that are too small, #7. Serve her unsatisfactory portions, and #3. Sabotage her chair. These will guide you through that tricky-but-oh-so-important discussion.

The Rebuttal: If she has a mirror she’s already on to you, Officer Poncherello. There are ways to criticize someone’s appearance without insulting her intelligence. Do it right, and she may one day — albeit far, far in the future — thank you for the mini-intervention.


ag_header3The Source: Amy Alkon, Advice Goddess

The Dilemma: A divorced mom sneaks a booty call during her son’s baseball game. Now kiddo wants to know where mommy went. Mommy doesn’t want to give him a complex, but she doesn’t want to bullshit him either.

The Advice: “Kids may say ‘the darndest things,’ but if there’s one thing your kid should never be in a position to say to you, it’s ‘So, Mommy, did you get your freak on last night?’… Instead of trying to relieve your guilt (you do feel some guilt, right?) by confessing to your kid, think remorseful thoughts, and make it up to him in time and attention.”

The Rebuttal: Lie, divorced mom. Lie like a philandering senator. Don’t feel bad about having to skip the end of the karate match once in a while. It’s a school-supervised event. It’s not like you’re leaving him unattended on a commercial crabbing boat. He’s out of diapers and you have a cell phone. Single parents are always going to have to make some un-P.C. judgment calls.


mens-health-logoThe Source: Sex Professor Debby Herbenick, M.P.H., Ph.D., Men’s Health

The Dilemma: “We keep sex quiet because of the kids, but I can’t climax,” whispers Ron from his New York City bedroom, where he’s (presumably) using a wine decanter as a makeshift penis silencer.

The Advice: “Enlist your wife: After she’s been satisfied, have her listen for the kids so you can let go and enjoy your orgasm.”

The Rebuttal: Enlist your wife. Have her cover your mouth with her hand dominatrix-style or turn on the air conditioner for some white noise as you’re nearing the critical moment. There’s nothing sexy about fucking someone who’s not all the way present. If you’re that concerned about keeping tabs on the little ones, get a baby monitor.


Read any sex or dating advice so odious it must be shared with the masses? Send it to erin@nerve.com with “Awesome Advice” in the subject.