Awesome Advice, Way to Go! This week: Don’t go to Tom Cruise for relationship tips.

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tom-cruise The Source: Tom Cruise, via The Daily Express

The Dilemma: Your husband’s a soccer player with the body of a gay centerfold. You’re a constipated dress form trying to make everyone forget you were once a Spice Girl. All the hard work of being better than everyone is wreaking havoc on your relationship. If only there were some petite-but-wise Scientologist to offer counsel…

The Advice: “After an evening with David, Tom decided to have a friendly chat with Victoria about the family’s future. He talked to her about David aging, his soccer career, the pressures of disgruntled fans, the loneliness when away from the family and how time apart can make marriages fail… It seems his heart-to-heart had an impact on her.”

The Rebuttal: Getting relationship advice from Tom Cruise is like going to Bernie Madoff for investment decisions. In fact, the further away Posh and Becks get from Hollywood and all its bullshit, the better. The paparazzi can only sell so many shots of your closed shutters.

examiner_logo-headerThe Source: Kristy Cotto, Hartford Singles Examiner

The Dilemma: “What do you think about bungee jumping as a first date?”

The Advice: “I think that whether you want to try bungee jumping or it was your date’s suggestion, you might want to come up with some alternate activities… If this is something that you feel strongly about and your date isn’t into it, it may be a sign of things to come. While opposites do attract, dating someone that isn’t willing to try things or may not be as adventurous as you are will get old fast.”

The Rebuttal: Bungee jumping on first dates is best confined to VH1 reality shows and reruns of Love Connection. Why? Because it’s overblown, artificial, and nerve-wracking. Just talking is adventure enough. An unwillingness to do something that dangerous (not to mention completely unnecessary) is never a reason to put a date in the discard pile.

theromantic1The Source: Michael Webb, founder of and the so-called “Martha Stewart of Romance”

The Dilemma: “I’ve been married for eight months now, and my husband has not gone down on me. When I ask about it he says it’s his culture, ‘Jamaican men don’t go down.’ What can I do?”

The Advice: “Growing up, it was pretty common knowledge (or at least stereotype) that ‘black men don’t go down.’ In fact, several of my black friends would really make fun of the whole concept of white men doing that. So, I do not think he is making it up. As for the reason why black men as a culture find cunnilingus distasteful (whereas lots of white guys enjoy it) I simply do not know… Can anyone share any light to this phenomenon?”

The Rebuttal: Hey Michael, there’s a difference between Jamaican and African-American. Same skin color doesn’t mean same culture. Why don’t you offer this woman some practical advice instead of using anecdotal evidence to reinforce a generalization and lobbing the question back to your readers?

sun-logo_792190a1The Source: Dear Deidre, The Sun

The Dilemma: “I’m so unhappy with my breasts I won’t even take my top off when my boyfriend makes love to me. I’m seventeen and depressed… My parents say they’ll pay for me to have surgery but they can’t really afford it… Trouble is I’d be too ashamed to talk to my doctor and wouldn’t have a clue what to say… Can you give me advice on getting surgery done free of charge?”

The Advice: “If you are depressed then you need to be talking to your doctor about your symptoms anyway… If he or she agrees surgery is the answer for you, it is sometimes possible to get it on the NHS though it depends on your local health authority. I’m sending you my leaflet ‘Long for Bigger Breasts?’ which will help you think this through.”

The Rebuttal: You know what every seventeen-year-old needs? I mean, other than foreign objects embedded under her skin? Leaflets! I’m surprised you’re even on the internet, D. Perhaps you have an intern transcribing your chiseled stone tablets? Boobies are a personal choice, but a seventeen-year-old’s first step should be a visit to a mental-health practitioner. There are issues to be worked out before anyone goes shopping for a bigger bra.