The Source: Kim Kardashian interview, MTV News
The Dilemma: “Should I pose for Playboy?” wonders Hills star Heidi Montag, fresh off her stint on a show I’ve never watched.
The Advice: “Go for it… I think that now’s the time,” says Kim Kardashian, bunny alum and professional spokesbutt. “I think it’s a very classy magazine. It’s artsy.”
The Rebuttal: Ah yes, artsy. A five-page nudie spread sandwiched between NFL highlights and ads for Kodiak snuff. If you really want to make a name for yourself, why not be the first B-lister ever to proclaim, “Fuck yeah, I’m doing it for the money. You think I like sitting still for nine hours while stylists glue sequins and white gauze to my hiney?” You’ll get a tsunami of media attention and Al Roker may even lay off for once.
The Source: Jeanne Phillips, Dear Abby
The Dilemma: A coworker asked “Distressed” to be a bridesmaid. Distressed knows her, but doesn’t “spend a paycheck on an ugly dress” know her. Is it reprehensible if she weasels out?
The Advice: “Tell her that, while you are flattered that she asked you to be a bridesmaid, you responded impulsively without thinking it through and that it would create a financial hardship for you — which is why you must decline.”
The Rebuttal: Not good enough, Abby. The bride’s going to offer to pay for the alterations or choose something that’s $200 instead of $300 and continue being an idiot. A cousin’s wedding, a high-school reunion, or a grandparents anniversary are much more wheedle-proof excuses. Keep your alibi tight, Distressed, by applying for time off. Stay indoors all weekend and get wedding-reception drunk.
The Source: William Sledd, Ask A Gay Man
The Dilemma: Women who sport VPLs (Visible Panty Lines) or FUPAs (Fat Upper Pussy Areas), both of which are a scourge to the gay-male community.
The Advice: To control VPLs, Sledd recommends Spanx, boy shorts, or “seamless nude thongs.” But be careful not to sit, stand, bend, or move, as it’s the “trashiest thing ever” when your undergarments peek out. To fight FUPAs, Sledd suggests that you “call Jenny Craig, put down the Krispy Kremes, and start doing some sit-ups.”
The Rebuttal: For a dude who prefers beef over fish, Sledd sure does spend a lot of time thinking about vaginas and their wardrobes. Ladies, a nude thong plus tight white pants is guaranteed to highlight every lump, bump, and ripple, so you might want to ignore that solution. And probably any other fashion suggestions from a guy with a small-town-real-estate-agent hairdo and frosty-pink lip gloss.
The Source: Brett Neichin, Bleacher Report
The Dilemma: Your love life’s a wreck. The women you meet? Lackluster.
The Advice: Start doing mixed martial arts. Not only will your dating pool get hotter (“I’ve seen many men take up Jiu-Jitsu and bed down 7s and 8s — maybe an occasional 9”), but you’ll be better off than you would be on the therapist’s couch. Says Brett, “There’s nothing sexy about a guy who can tell you exactly how his mom fucked him up by taking him on a tour of Princeton when he was eight years old.”
The Rebuttal: Mixed martial arts are great, though I’m not sure how many issues you’re going to work out by punching people in the eardrum and applying choke holds. As far as meeting women, “I know twenty fatal pressure points!” isn’t necessarily the best opener. When you’re sharing niche interests, you have to be careful. (Which is to say, the same goes for stripping or scrapbooking.)
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