The Dilemma: You’re gay. You want to use your body language to reel in men, but the YMCA dance hasn’t worked on anybody since 1984.
The Advice: Alvear to the rescue, with Gay Body Language: How to Use It to Meet and Attract Gay Men, a specific topic for a specific audience, if there ever was one.
Mike invites his readers to, “Straighten your arm as if you were doing a ‘Heil Hitler’ salute,” [article cuts to a picture of Hitler] and then “keep your arm in the air, but now turn the palm up. What’s the feeling now? [Article cuts to a picture of Madonna] Open, inviting, fun. Turn the palm down and you feel like Hitler. Now, if a simple palm movement has that kind of emotional impact on you, imagine the effect it has on other people.”
The Rebuttal: Madonna I can see, but Hitler? As a teaching tool? Not the best choice for your audience. Body language is important, but no one is analyzing the precise curve of your elbow or making irreversible judgments regarding your shoulder position. Just smile and stand up straight. Make soft eye contact — the non-rapey kind — and you’re golden.
The Source: JDate
The Dilemma: It’s wedding season and you’re at the kiddie table, slurping shit champagne and stealing your twelve-year-old neighbor’s Jordan Almonds.
The Advice: “Before you forego the festivities for good, consider that there are some perks that come with being single…Don’t for one second make the assumption that you are the only single person in the room or that couples are not interested in talking to you…Humans by nature gravitate towards confident, engaging and outgoing people.”
The Rebuttal: Narrishkeit! People are fearful and lazy. They gravitate towards people they already know. If you don’t feel like playing Lil’ Miss/Mr. Perfect Icebreaker all evening, don’t. Enjoy the free booze and food. Ditch early and treat yourself to some superb DVR or a meet up with your best friend.
The Source: Mercy Matthews, All Women Stalk
The Dilemma: You haven’t been getting any attention from your husband/boyfriend/asbestos-abatement professional.
The Advice: Enter Mercy, with “7 Tips on How to Make Your Man Jealous.” Tip number one calls for giving yourself a makeover. Tip number four suggests meeting up with a personal trainer and talking up his biceps in front of your mate afterwards. Tip number five is the old anonymously-send-yourself-roses. Tip number seven closes by telling the ladies to just “be secure.”
The Rebuttal: This list could have started and ended with number seven and not lost any of its punch. Does anyone other than Laverne & Shirley sitcom characters ever actually go through with number five? Similar to right-hand rings and feminine deodorant spray, I sometimes wonder if this is an urban legend, developed and distributed by FTD to sell more flowers.
The Source: JD Dallas, Modern Male Lifestyle
The Dilemma: You want to meet girls. Ideally, the kind of girls who give blowjobs.
The Advice: According to JD, the best way to charm a group of women is by telling them you’ve never had good oral. It’s effective because women are “very competitive” and will do anything to one-up each other.
The Rebuttal: You know who’s also competitive? Men. I mean, I don’t technically know, ’cause I’m not one. It sure seems like it though, with all those sports and whatnot. Male Nerve readers, I have a confession to make: I’ve never enjoyed having anyone give me huge amounts of money. I’m serious. Doesn’t do anything for me. I know that sounds nuts. Email me at email@example.com. I’ll send you my PayPal address if any of you cutthroat types wants to prove me wrong.