The Source: Miss Lonelyhearts, Winnipeg Free Press
The Dilemma: “I’ve been dating a widower for the last three years and am very happy with him…We’re approaching the anniversary of his wife’s death and there will be another published memoriam. He will always love her and that is not the issue. The problem comes from friends and family who consider the memoriam an insult to me. How do I explain it that it is his choice to mark it any way he wants?”
The Advice: “The point he needs to understand is his deceased wife isn’t reading the memoriams and it won’t hurt her for them to ease off now. She has a place in his heart forever. No one — friends, family or public — expects the memoriams now or looks for them. Why does he still need to make this yearly declaration when you’re the person in his earthly life at this point?… Three years he’s been with you, and no doubt his wife died a while before that. For most new partners, that’d be quite enough of public declarations that make it appear he doesn’t love you yet.”
The Rebuttal: This woman needs to tell her friends to STFU and stop going to Miss Lonelyhearts with her questions. If she doesn’t have a problem with her husband’s memoriams, those around her shouldn’t either. Is he wearing his dead wife’s clothes to bed? Setting a place for her at the dinner table? No? Then shut it. Remembering someone in your past doesn’t mean you’re devaluing the person in your present. Give the guy a break and let him grieve in peace.
The Source: Shawn Conner, Lavalife
The Dilemma: You’re having a difficult time meeting people.
The Advice: Could it be that your “dating resume” is lackluster? Shawn Conner says, “In a lot of ways, a first date is like a job interview,” and that, “When on dates, people look for certain qualifications.” He describes these must-haves in an article called “6 Things to Have on Your Dating Resume.” Some of them make sense, like “social skills” and “charity work.” And then there’s the “friends with your exes” qualification:
“Try to drop in the name of an ex or two and mention that you’re still buddies…It mightn’t hurt to gently imply that you think the ex might still have a teeny thing for you, particularly if you’re a man, as women are scientifically proven to be attracted to the things others want. Bonus points if you’re friends with an ex-fiancé: this shows that at some point, someone liked you enough to consider spending the rest of his or her life with you.”
The Rebuttal: Dear Applicant,
Thank you for applying for the position of SECOND DATE. We enjoyed meeting with you and discussing your MARKETING JOB, “COULD TOTALLY MODEL IF SHE WANTED TO” EX-GIRLFRIEND, and VOLUNTEER WORK WITH DISPLACED FERRETS. We regret to inform you that we have decided to go with a different candidate. We will keep your application in our DELETED ITEMS and contact you regarding future opportunities as they become available.
Girl You Met Last Night Who Thinks You’re A Knob, Inc.
The Source: David Eddie, Damage Control, The Globe and Mail
The Dilemma: “Since summer began last year, I have had a heart-crushing crush on a co-worker… We hooked up. Then hooked up again. But there was no talk of exclusivity… What followed were sleepless nights, anxiety attacks, and the complete inability to act normal around this man. I had to find a distraction… I hooked up with the very hip friend of a friend, even went on a date and was able to calm down a bit, give myself the benefit of the doubt, have a little confidence. Maybe that newfound confidence was what led my co-worker to make things solid between us… It turns out, unbeknownst to us, we have many friends in common including…are you ready? The hip guy that helped ‘clear my head.’… Now what the hell do I do if we’re ever all in the same room?”
The Advice: “Don’t kid a kidder, honey. You cheated on one guy with another, end of story. And the sooner you face that fact the better… Got that, Miss Hot Pants?… How to extricate yourself from the bubbling tub of hot water you currently find yourself marinating in? …I would say to you that you should assure your co-worker, with whom you claim to be so enamored, that it was just one of those things; a one-time-only deal; that you’re really, really sorry; and you’ll never do it again.”
The Rebuttal: Two hookups and zero relationship talks, and you’re calling this woman a cheater? I suppose this means I need to make amends with my boyfriend: I actually went so far as to say to myself, “Damn, that guy’s hot,” while watching Jon Hamm on SNL this weekend. What to do when you’re all in the same room? Why not act normal? Sure, it’s a touch awkward, but the past is the past. If your boyfriend asks, be truthful. Otherwise, don’t worry about it. No one in this situation is (or ever was) purposefully being a philanderer.
The Source: Ask Anka, Redbook
The Dilemma: “My fiancée has a high libido but has relied on a vibrator for the last 15 years. I’m celibate. Should I insist that she refrain from using the vibrator before the wedding?”
The Advice: “You need to replace that vibrator — with your fingers, mouth, and penis…You’re dealing with some tough competition, but you can handle it… Have fun with your new sex life rather than dreading it and resenting her past vibrator use.”
The Rebuttal: Past vibrator use? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who said anything about giving up Buzz Lightyear? He’s out of practice and she’s well-entrenched in her routine. Why does the vibrator have to be “replaced”? Is it hogging all the covers? Leaving dirty dishes in the sink? Don’t rush it. You guys will figure it out. Until then, there’s plenty of room for the three of you.