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Nerve has hired the Infinite Monkeys as bloggers. They’ll almost surely find some news. 

Look, it’s happened to all of us. You’re bored and you’re tired of other people having fun at Disneyland. But a teen in Canada was really bored and super tired of people having fun at Disneyland so he just called in a bomb threat so they shut down Space Mountain. And a bunch of other amazingly horrible things. Boredom! It’s causing crime.

Choice quotes from the story of the teen’s sentencing include:

“If he could, he’d live in a small apartment, surrounded by computers, and order pizza in,” [one official] said.

“I don’t currently have any other clear path for productivity,” the teen said.

Meanwhile, teens tore up a Walmart in Georgia. Calm down teens!

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After the death of Dusty Rhodes, we’ve worried that American might have lost her soul. But rejoice! Hulk Hogan wore a bandana to his sex tape trial that might bankrupt Gawker. We’re just now gaining back the eyesight that we lost after being forced to view the Hulkster’s sex tape far too many times by our overlords here at Nerve.

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We would much rather be under the great leadership of Donald Trump, who was fired twice this week. The Donald is suing NBC for violating his right to free speech to say that Mexicans are rapists. It says so right there in the NBC constitution written by the founding fathers of NBC. What’s that you say? NBC doesn’t have a constitution? They’re a corporation not the government. They don’t have any universal concept of free speech. Well, corporations are people or something. Trump 2016!

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James Carrey, a matinee idol of ours, has done us all a favor. Some of us were like what is all this about vaccines? People that know a lot about vaccines say they’re really safe and they kill diseases that are not safe, but on the other hand the Ace Ventura’s asshole says they’re bad. We’ve made our choice.

We were going to pitch a lyric essay about the calamity that is human existence to the Nerve editors but they’re all in Oregon for some reason.

More bananas!